Insights Into Teens: Episode 29 “Resilience”

This week we talk about resilience. What it is, how to obtain it and how it can help you through so many of life’s challenge. We expand on the concept of dealing with life’s changes and challenges from last week and we explore how building up our resilience can lead to self confidence, self respect and the ability to cope with just about anything.

Insights Into Teens

Transcription

Speaker 1: 00:01 Insightful podcast by informative insights, a podcast network.

Speaker 2: 00:26 .

Speaker 3: 00:26 Welcome to insights into teens, a podcast series, exploring the issues and challenges of today’s youth. Your hosts are Joseph and Madison whale is a father and daughter team making their way through the challenges of the teenage years.

Speaker 2: 00:50

Speaker 4: 00:51 Welcome to insights in the teens. This is episode 29 resilience. I’m your host, Joseph Whalen and my brilliant and beautiful cohost, Madison Waylon. Hi everyone. How are you doing today, Mattie? How’s are you tired today? That’s okay. Hopefully a, this should be a fairly light topic for us to get through today. Yup. So today’s topic is resilience and this is kind of an extension of what we did last week. So I’m doing the research for last week’s topic of dealing with life’s changes and leafs adventures. I guess we could say resilience came up is a point of interest during that research. And I thought it was important enough to do a separate podcast just on this kind of to reinforce some of what we had talked about last week and to give some hints on what resilience is and how to build your resilience cause I think that’ll help you throughout life in general. Okay. So any questions before we get started? No. Buys them good. Okay, let’s get right into it then.

Speaker 5: 02:06

Speaker 4: 02:12 So for our definition of resilience, we are pulling from healthy families, British Columbia, which is a Canadian website. Okay. And it says resilience is the ability to cope with challenges, deal with negative feelings and bounce back after something negative like a tough situation or difficult time. It’s also the ability to adapt to different circumstances that you can’t change and keep on thriving when you’re resilient, you can learn from difficult or challenging situations and get stronger. So kinda got a good idea of what we’re talking about. Weren’t talking about resilience. Yup. Now the reason that I wanted to kind of go into this is this sort of reinforces several of the topics that we’ve talked about in the past. Whether it’s a school dealing with school issues, dealing with bullies, dealing with changes that you’re going through. You know, we’re getting ready to start a new school year in a new school.

Speaker 4: 03:20 It’s a bigger student body there, so it’s going to be a lot different. It’s a more structured format. You’re going into multiple periods throughout the day, you’re going to have different teachers. So it’s a big change for you and I think you’ve proven yourself to be very resilient in the past and I think you might have a few examples or lessons that you can probably share with the audience that might help them out. So when we come back, we’ll talk about how does resilience help? And I think you can relate some of your experience to this.

Speaker 5: 03:56 Okay.

Speaker 4: 04:02 So resiliency can help you deal with everyday challenges such as moving to a new school, losing a game, or making mistakes. You’ve been to two schools now, I think. So you’re going to your third school now. So have you found moving from school to school so far? Challenging? You’ve done it, you know, I guess you went from your early daycare experience school to your kindergarten experience and then up through to the school you’re in now. Have you found that to be challenging?

Speaker 6: 04:40 Well, I always, well, I’ll go back to my first time at my schools. I’m just leaving as an example. Cause that’s what I remember the most. I remember the very first day I felt like I was a new kid. I didn’t really know much. I had no idea how anything worked. I was a little scared. But after a couple of days I got used to it.

Speaker 4: 05:09 Yeah. You’re not familiar with the teachers, you’re not familiar with the layout of the building. You may have different students that you haven’t been with in the past as, as this classes shape up, so it can be kind of overwhelming. I’m out losing a game, you know. How do you, how do you deal with it when you lose a game at home or at school or with your friends or something like that?

Speaker 6: 05:31 Like a sport or video game?

Speaker 4: 05:35 Either way. I mean, anytime we’re in which you’re in a situation where you don’t come out as a winner

Speaker 6: 05:41 I just learned that one of those people who would just literally screamed because I didn’t, because they locked, lost the game. I mean, if I was having a pretty bad day, sure I’d be upset of it, but I know that the person did win. Definitely deserved it. As long as I don’t brag about it and be a sore winner.

Speaker 4: 06:04 Yeah. That can be kind of annoying. Yeah. So

Speaker 6: 06:07 What I look for is, as long as I had a little bit of fun, that’s all that really matters.

Speaker 4: 06:13 Yes. Well, that’s a good, that’s a good spirit to have going into that about making mistakes. I know you, you can be very tough on yourself when you make mistakes. You, you don’t, you don’t make a lot of mistakes. But when you do make them, whether it’s schoolwork or stuff at home, or you’re making a bad decision or something like that, you tend to be very hard on yourself about that, which is good and bad. I mean, it’s good in that you’re, you’re not gonna let yourself continue to make mistakes, but it’s Kinda bad because you’re a lot harder on yourself than anybody else who judges you on that. How does, what are your thoughts on that?

Speaker 6: 06:53 Yeah, I can definitely agree. I’m a little too hard on myself. I know that even though I don’t think I can even stop it. Like if I were to call it throwing in sir, when I have my hand raised and they just say it’s wrong, I just feel a little bit of shame and but eventually I do learn because I want to make sure I don’t get it wrong again and eventually I do get it right.

Speaker 4: 07:22 Yeah. And I think, yeah, that’s a decent balance for the most part. But we’ll talk later in the show about not being as hard on yourself. So one of the other things that the article talked about was how resiliency can help you as a child deal with more serious challenges. And some of these you might or might not have some experience in, but I’d still like to get your thoughts. The first thing that you have here is adapting to a step family. You kinda had that and that, you know, Sam, you know, is, is a half brother. But like you didn’t go through a divorce. Sam had gone through a divorce which is tough. I mean I never went through one myself, so I didn’t even, I didn’t even know how to console him and going through that cause it was a very unusual experience for me. Do you have any of your friends at school or anyone who have gone through a divorce and, and their parents remarry or anything like that?

Speaker 6: 08:34 Not really that I know of. The people who I talk to, they have problems at home, but they don’t really have parents divorcing. It doesn’t seem that way at least.

Speaker 4: 08:49 Well, what kind of home problems do you typically hear from kids your age?

Speaker 6: 08:52 Well, like,

Speaker 4: 08:54 And we don’t to get into the specifics

Speaker 6: 08:56 Cause I don’t wanna like call nobody out on the carpet, but just gives them some broad definition. I guess just the parents not being as nice as you guys would be.

Speaker 4: 09:09 Okay. Like cause they’re strict or

Speaker 6: 09:11 Well there. Yeah, sort of more strict and would potentially hit them if they ever did something remotely bad.

Speaker 4: 09:20 Oh, it sounds very similar to the environment that I grew up in where my father was quite the disciplinarian and he didn’t never really hesitated to resort to physical enforcement.

Speaker 7: 09:33 Just stuff like that. There was also a couple of them who had one of them,

Speaker 6: 09:38 Their parents well passed away. Right. So, and they’ve had to live with one parent but the other parent had, didn’t really feel like getting with another woman or man.

Speaker 4: 09:52 And that’s, that could be difficult. I can certainly see, you know, a situation like that where you’re in a single parent household at that point in time. And you know, I could certainly see how it would be difficult for the other adult to, to move on in life. What kind of effect did that usually have on the kids though?

Speaker 6: 10:12 Well, I just think like when they hear other kids saying how they have both parents and like talking about that stuff, it might make them feel a little sad because they never, if either their parent died or they just didn’t want to be around the kid or the Ma or the mother or father it might hurt them a little because like they never grew up with two parents. They only really grew up with one.

Speaker 4: 10:44 Yeah. And I could certainly see that. And, and from a parent perspective, that makes, that makes parenting much more difficult being a single parent in that situation. Emotionally. financially, you know, in today’s society it’s very difficult to not have a dual income family and, and you know, you tend to struggle financially like that where the entire burden of supporting your households on yourself. So I could certainly see how resilience would play on that and that, that kind of leads us into our next point that they have here is the next challenge is dealing with illness or death of a family member. And you’ve not had to, fortunately you’ve not had to deal with that with a direct close family member, but you’ve had grandparents pass away and uncles pass away, so forth. How has that affected you, even though it’s not a been you know, a primary parent?

Speaker 6: 11:50 Well, I mean, it Ha, I can definitely say it still hurts to know that. And to be honest, whenever I hear anyone else talking about their grandparents, I’m like, you’re lucky because my last real grandparents died when I was seven.

Speaker 4: 12:11 Yeah. Yeah. That is unfortunate. And that’s something that, that I kind of, you know, I’m sad that you’ve missed out on, you know, I, I knew my grandparents up into my teen years, you know, both of my grandparents were alive on my father’s side and my grandmother was alive on my mother’s side until I was about your age, a little bit older than you. I think I was 13 or 14 when she passed away. And I had a very close relationship with her and not as close, but fairly close with my other grandparents. And it’s a very different kind of relationship that you tend to have with your grandparents than you do with your parents. And I kind of regret you not having the opportunity to, to have that experience, which I think is kind of in a way why we’ve adopted Jima. You know, I think she, she has become your, your foster grandmother and I think she does an excellent job in that role.

Speaker 6: 13:18 Yeah, she definitely feels like a real grandmother.

Speaker 4: 13:21 Yeah. She’s, she’s fantastic at that. So the last thing that they had on this particular list of challenges is one we’ve talked about. In fact, we’ve done a whole podcast on and that’s bullying. And in our talks in the past, you’ve not really experienced bullying, have you?

Speaker 6: 13:39 Not in a direct way.

Speaker 4: 13:43 So is there a lot of bullying that happens either in school or, or now you’ve got several weeks of camp behind you. Is there any bullying that happens in camp?

Speaker 6: 13:52 Well, I did recently learn some thing. Okay. So apparently me, I’ve a friend named Natalia we play with or towards the camp and like during free time when we’re like sitting at a table that’s close to where people are like skating. Cause there’s like a window. Apparently I learned from one of the girls who’s no longer friends with the other kids. They were barely laughing at us.

Speaker 4: 14:22 Oh and that’s definitely a form of bullying.

Speaker 6: 14:25 Yeah, there was saying like, why were we playing with tours because we were older. Like they’ll make fun of us for that.

Speaker 4: 14:34 Yeah. Yeah. You know, kids can be cruel, but you know what? You do what you want to do. That’s why it’s called free time. Right. So, and the thing is is, you know, I was one like that too. You know, I didn’t really do a lot of the sports and stuff and I played with toys and you know what that got me, that got me a very vivid imagination. It got me the ability or earned me the ability to use my brain in ways that the kids that were out there doing sports never learned how to do. And, you know, I look back now at some of the kids that I went to school with and they were kids who were the jocks, the ones that were all in the sports. And you know, the, they’re not nearly as successful as I am right now.

Speaker 4: 15:26 And I have to think back on, Oh God, was it 25, 20 some years now since I got out of high school. And these guys are the same people that they were before. They failed the change. They failed to adapt. And they’ve, you know, one guy is cutting lawns, you know, so it’s like, okay, well you can make fun of me all you want. I know where I’m going to be 20 years from now and there’s a very good chance that I’m going to be in a much better place than you are 20 years from now. So, and again, you know, we’ve talked about the fact that what people think about you now is irrelevant because they’re insignificant to the grand scheme of things. You have a very short window of opportunity right now where you basically have to tolerate them until you get out in the real world. And when you get out into the real world, that’s when people start to matter to you.

Speaker 6: 16:27 I just want to say, I think you like, I think your experience is quite similar to mine because I also play with toys and don’t do sports and I’m pretty sure we all, I’m pretty sure you and me both know, have a pretty vivid imagination.

Speaker 4: 16:45 Absolutely. And that’s what’s going to get you where you need to be. You know, it’s, it’s, it’s hard to see it today. Okay. Because right now the, the imagination that you have today is for recreational use mostly. But that imagination and the way that you’re wiring your brain right now with that imagination is going to allow you to do much more later on in life at whether it’s scientific pursuits, whether it’s engineering pursuits or project management. What you’re doing with your brain now with promoting your imagination is going to make your brain far more capable of dealing with real life scenarios later on in life. You know, you’re not a lot of these guys and most of these guys that are, that are like that. The kids that are going to laugh at you because you’re not out there playing sports and stuff. They’re the ones that live vicariously through their kids because they, they weren’t able to fulfill their own life ambitions by becoming professional athletes.

Speaker 4: 17:51 And it’s like a lot of the people at this age get this notion in their head that I’m a great athlete and I’m going to go to college and I’m going to be a professional athlete in like one 10th of 1% of the kids out there become professional athletes. You know, how many more could become engineers and scientists and you know, executive managers and everything else that you want to be to get the things that you want and be where you want to be and have the kind of life that you want. That’s what you’re setting yourself up for. And that’s real success. That’s real attainable success. So having that perspective, you know, gives you the resilience that you need to deal with these people like that because you have to tolerate them and you can’t make them go away. There’s no point arguing with them because you can’t get through to them. So you need to build up your resilience, basically tolerate them until they’re no longer an annoyance in your life. So, so let’s come back and we’ll talk about how to build up your resilience.

Speaker 4: 19:01 Resilience for young people is built on a foundation of strong, positive relationships with parents. Children can also gain strength from other caring adults that they identify with, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, or teachers who might act as mentors. Now you’ve been fortunate enough to have several teachers that you get along with that you like, that you connect with who are our good character people. And I think that’s important. You also have very good extended family. You know, you’ve got g mom, you’ve got a pet bay, you’ve gone, it ain’t Chris. You’ve got other good upstanding people that can serve as mentors to you as well. So you’re very fortunate in that being connected to school helps build resilience and friends and classmates can also be great sources of support. This is one area where I think you could probably improve on. You know, we’ve talked about the fact that you need to build up more friends, but I think the friends that you have, Brian and Natasha and others are our good friends. They’re strong friends, they’re loyal, they care about you. And I think that’s really what the representation of friendship is. Do you think that your friends are a good source of support for you?

Speaker 6: 20:31 Yes, they are. We can, we can have conversations to each other about our personal lives because we really trust each other.

Speaker 4: 20:41 And that’s very important. Trust is huge when it comes to friendships and it comes to building, you know, resilience. I mean, you don’t do it by yourself. Who was that know? I think our K so last week we have problems with

Speaker 4: 21:03 The Amazon stuff. Now I’ve got my phone thinking that I’m trying to talk to Siri. So, you know, there are limits to where technology can get us right. Yeah. Sorry for the interruption there. So anyway, friends help to build that, you know, your relationships help to build resilience.

Speaker 4: 21:26 Learn and practice important values and skills such as, and we’ve talked about some of these self respect and other personal values and attitudes. If you don’t respect yourself, you don’t love yourself and if you don’t feel that you’re, you’re, you have self worth, you can never expect anyone else to. So the first, first part is you have to self-respect, you have to respect yourself. The next one is social skills. You have to improve social skills because so much of your resiliency comes from having others to lean on, to talk to, to draw strength from, even to look up as examples and all that comes from being social. So working on your social skills so that you can have conversations with people is very important. You, you need to be helpful and have optimistic thinking. This is one of the areas that you tend to trap yourself in helpful.

Speaker 4: 22:31 You don’t have a problem with. I think you’ve got a helpful down pretty good. Both here at school. I don’t know. So much at camp, cause you’re not particularly enthusiastic about camp. But I think in general you’re helpful. Would you not agree with that? It’s the optimistic thinking. You know, you have a tendency of seeing the negative things in life in there. There are a lot of negative things. It’s not like you’re picking things out and, and making them up. But focusing on the negative things isn’t helpful. Would you agree with that? Yes. So being more positive, fun, taking a negative and turning it in old positive. Oh, you know, today at camp, you know what, what was bad would today camp. Oh well my friends weren’t in camp. Oh well what did you get to do then? I’ll, well I drew. Okay, great. So you’ve got the practice, you’re drawing, you’ve got to have some alone time. You could think you could let your imagination run wild. There’s a positive side to that. So that’s what we need to focus on. More skills for getting things done. So we haven’t talked about chores and responsibilities yet. That’ll be a different podcast. But there are things that you do that you know you have to do there. They’re your responsibility for doing right. Give me, give me an example of something like that.

Speaker 6: 24:02 My chores that I do, cleaning the bathroom, vacuum and downstairs taking out the trash, taking up the dishes that you always leave downstairs because you’re always eat down there. You never bring them up.

Speaker 4: 24:12 Yes. Thank you for pointing that out to the audience. So yes, they are your chores, you’re responsible for them. You can get a reward for them. You’re, you’re very well paid for that. But what other things besides that are you responsible?

Speaker 6: 24:30 I’m responsible for making sure I always do my schoolwork, go over the summer. I’m responsible for making sure my real schoolwork and everything I need is packed and ready for the next day. I’m responsible for making sure I’m able to get to school slash camp on time. I’m also responsible for,

Speaker 4: 24:54 Well, there are good examples. Now let me, let me stop you just for a minute there and we’ll talk about one of those. Okay. So you had some or assignments that you had to do. So at the beginning of summer, what did you do to ensure that you got those done?

Speaker 6: 25:07 Well I had to do some reading and I figured out how long, how many days there was of summer break and I took the number of pages, divided them up, and eventually came to the conclusion that I should read at least four pages every day.

Speaker 4: 25:24 And are, have you finished your reading? Yep. So you’re ahead of schedule with it. Yep. So that’s exactly what they’re talking about here is that you didn’t just take the assignment for your all, I’ll read it whenever I can. You had a very systematic approach to it at a very organized approach. You know, it was a matte to meet to you. It was a mathematical equation. I am x amount of days to read y number of pages. Okay, let’s divide those up and how many do I have to do a day? And you knew as long as you did that minimum number of day and number of pages per day, you’d get your work done. That’s a skill for getting things done. And you did the same thing with your math homework as well.

Speaker 6: 26:07 Yeah, I would do my sims. It took a little while to do, I would take a week, I would have a week at each day. I was able to dip each day. I would take 15 minutes to do it. If I finished early, Hey I finished early, I then on the next week I would continue doing the same cycle.

Speaker 4: 26:27 Right. And, and it worked out very well cause that was the first thing you got done. So all your summer work is done. You’re going to do a little bit of review now and take some notes and stuff like that. So not only did you do the minimal, you’re going to get a little extra done. And the same thing with your doing the laundry. You know, you set a timer and that timer reminds you when to go check the laundry. So it doesn’t sit for an hour or two more than a mass two. And that skill for getting it done allows you to be more efficient in doing it. So I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with this part of what you need to know. The next one that they talk about is personal values and attitudes for resilience.

Speaker 4: 27:14 So this sort of touches on some of the stuff that we’ve talked about already as far as personal values

Speaker 4: 27:22 Knowing how to treat other people, knowing how to act when you’re treated poorly. So for instance, if someone laughs at you or does something mean to you, what’s your reaction? What do you do?

Speaker 6: 27:35 Well, if they were laughing at me, I would just try to ignore them and focused on and focus on something else. So that was an, and focus on what I was originally doing

Speaker 4: 27:46 and that’s the right thing to do. The wrong thing to do would be to confront them because of that point in time. Like I told you before about bullies, bullies, you’re looking for a reaction, they’re looking to feed on some kind of negativity that they’re pushing on you. And when you give it back to them, then that’s exactly what they’re looking for.

Speaker 6: 28:09 Can I just say the result of something? Sure. So remember you told me to always ignore people if they’re trying to annoy me. Although these are gnawing boys that’s at Camp and if, if they ever like called my name and I would ever say what they would like go hi and s would be annoying. Right? But recently I’ve actually stopped listening to them if they ever call my name, they repeatedly do and eventually they actually move on to the next person.

Speaker 4: 28:38 Yeah, that’s exactly it. Because they’re not getting a rise out of you. And as soon as they realize that they’re not going to get the satisfaction they’re looking for, they do, they move on to someone else. So that’s, that’s, you know, part of the values of knowing how to deal with that type of thing and having that attitude of you’re not going to let these people get to you. That helps to build your resilience. Self esteem is a great building block for resilience. Self-Esteem comes from being listened to treat it respectfully, having accomplishments recognized and mistakes acknowledged and accepted. If your child has self esteem, she believes she matters and she should be treated respectfully by others. She’s also more likely to protect herself by avoiding risky behavior and situations. Strong self esteem will also help your child be less vulnerable to bullies and bullying.

Speaker 4: 29:40 Now, we’ve talked about in the past where self esteem is very important. You know, just like with the fact that you can’t expect others to accept you or love you for who you are. If you don’t, you have to respect yourself. And if you respect yourself, then you hold yourself up to a certain standard. You know, you expect to get some level of respect back. You know, you treat others respectfully, you expect to have that you deserve, not just expect. You deserve to have that same respect back. So self-respect is very important in this case. Do you think you have self respect for yourself?

Speaker 6: 30:25 I think so, yes.

Speaker 4: 30:26 I think you do. I think you realize how smart you are, how talented you are. I think you certainly realize your accomplishments. I mean, the fact that you walked away from your commencement ceremony at your last school with so many awards demonstrates that you are exceedingly intelligent and very capable of doing what’s expected of you. And it’s a recognized by other people and I think that’s very important. So it makes mommy and daddy very proud. The next thing that they say is empathy, respect for others, kindness, fairness, honesty and cooperation are also linked to resilience. This includes showing care and concern to people who need support, accepting people’s differences, being friendly and treating others with kindness. If your child shows these attitudes and behavior towards others, she’s more likely to get a positive response and return. Do you think you show empathy towards others based on that definition? Could you give me an example?

Speaker 6: 31:36 Like if someone won a game, I would say good job to them. Also. F they, someone’s, they accomplished something good. Or I would also give them a pat on my back.

Speaker 4: 31:51 That’s true. That’s good. I mean, good sportsmanship is a very good sign of that. But what about somebody who’s in need? How would, how would you handle that?

Speaker 6: 31:59 I would go up and talk to them, ask them if they wanted to tell me what was bothering them. If they didn’t, I would just make, I would just save. They every wanted to talk to me, they could and I just leave them alone. And if they were allowed to be opened and stay wanted to be open to me, I would definitely listen to them and try to help them with their conflict.

Speaker 4: 32:24 And that’s perfect. That’s exactly, I think the embodiment of what they’re getting at here is that ability to help others, that desire to help others. Social skills they talk about as well. As well as helpful and optimistic thinking. But I think we’ve talked about that. We don’t need to dwell on that. They do sum up this section by saying your child’s more likely to feel positive if he or she can see that difficult times are a part of life that they’ll pass and that things will get better. You might be able to help your child with this. You can also help your child to keep things in perspective and understand that a bad thing in one part of your life, say a poor exam result doesn’t have to flow over to all parts. So you’ve got to compartmentalize the bad things in life, I think is what they’re saying here. Okay. Shall we move on? We show. Okay. Ways to turn low moods into better ones to help with your resiliency, doing things you love and enjoy. Is that something you try to focus on when you’re doing? Yep. I think that’s very important. You know, you go back to your core values and the things you like to do, spending time with friends. I’m sure this is exactly one of the things that you like doing because Ha, not having your friends around is something that you miss, right? Yep. Helping someone else. Has that ever made you feel good?

Speaker 6: 34:06 Yes. It always, it always, I always feel a little better if I’ve had a bit of a bad day. If I can help someone else, I feel better.

Speaker 4: 34:15 And I, and I, and I see that in you. Like if you come home and you have a bad day at camp or school, you tend to want to help or do something positive around a house. And I think that’s a good thing because there’s definite benefit in that. Talking with friends or a support person, clearly that’s something that you do. You’ve talked about that many times. Yup. Exploring activities that help you relax, what helps you relax?

Speaker 6: 34:47 I guess like talking with you guys, playing games, watching youtube, stuff like that.

Speaker 4: 34:55 Okay. How about going for a rigorous walk or doing some kind of physical activity? Not so much. Not, I find that to be helpful because it helps me to get my mind off of the things that are bothering me if I’m walking and in my mind can just blank out.

Speaker 6: 35:13 Well, I mean if like you wanted to go out for a game of catch, I would agree to it and it would help. I definitely do enjoy our times that we play with cats. Okay.

Speaker 4: 35:22 Okay. That’s a great example of that. How am I going over some good memories by looking through photos? How does that make you feel?

Speaker 6: 35:31 It makes me feel pretty good. Like whenever we go over our photos at dinner, I definitely remember all the times that I can remember. And it definitely feels happy.

Speaker 4: 35:45 Yeah. Yeah. I enjoyed doing that too. I’m not watching a funny TV show or movie or reading something funny.

Speaker 6: 35:53 Oh yeah. I like doing that.

Speaker 4: 35:55 Yeah. I’m well you and your cat videos, I know along with spongebob and reading the comics and let’s see, we talked about skills, feeling confident, capable and ready to get things done. Are Big parts of resilience. Important skills in this department are goal setting, which clearly you have down pat planning, which you’re very good at being organized and self-disciplined. You could probably stand to have a little bit of improvement on the self-discipline side, but you’re, I think you’re very organized. I mean you’ve got your whole backpack ready to start school already. You’ve got a couple of weeks left. Yup. I’m being prepared to work hard and being resourceful I think. I think all of those qualities reside inside of you. So the article goes on to say to provide your child with opportunities to take on new experiences and master new skills, which is what mommy and I tried to do all the time, which is also why we want you to take one of the advanced classes this year. Allow them to make mistakes, be patient and cheer them on. How our mommy and I are with you when you do make mistakes. Are we encouraging? Are we overly terrorizing? If you, when you make mistakes, how do we handle you with mistakes?

Speaker 6: 37:19 Well, if I ever do tell you guys about a mistake, I definitely, you always say like, okay, you can improve. You tell me how I can improve and you make sure I know that I can improve and that this mistake probably won’t be my last mistake. Right? Well, it definitely won’t be my last mistake and I, and it hasn’t been my first and that it’s OK to make mistakes as long as I learned from them. Exactly.

Speaker 4: 37:46 A mistake is a chance to learn and improve. And that’s what daddy always says. It goes on to say, you can also help your child work out her strengths and limitations. Encourage her to set goals that put her strengths in the action and help her focus on what she’s good at. So a good example of this is when you do your homework and would, that always tells you, as you know, do the low, pick the low hanging fruit first. Get the stuff done that you know you can get done. That doesn’t have to sit when we get to the tough stuff, you come see me or mommy and we’ll help you get through the tough parts. So do the things that you’re strong at first. If your child’s good at singing, you might suggest you join the school band. I’m not sure why you would join the band if you’re good at singing. I had suggested during the choir, so started off probably the little streams there. If she’s going to be young children, you could suggest she might volunteer to coach a junior sport. Well, you’re not much of a sports person, so maybe tutoring people would be better for you. Yeah. So that’s some of the things where you can play on your strengths. Any questions on, on turning moods to better moods? Nope. All right. We have one more section. We’ll come back and we’ll talk about key messages for building resilience.

Speaker 4: 39:14 You can create, and this is mostly towards the parents. Now this section, you can concur, can create a positive family environment that fosters resilience by communicating some messages to your child in your daily life together. Here are some of those messages now and then everyone has a difficult or unhappy time. It’s a normal part of life. Right. I think you’ll agree that not everything is perfect. Yup. And how we deal with those bad things really defines who we are. Yup. Things will get better, even though they might sometimes take a bit longer to improve than you’d like. So I don’t think there’s been any bad situation that you faced that hasn’t seen some improvement. Correct. So that helps to keep things in perspective. You’ll feel better and have more ideas about what you can do if you talk to someone you trust about what’s worrying you or upsetting you. This is something that Mommy and daddy have encouraged you to do repeatedly is the talk has talking even if even if we don’t provide answers, does talking come across as therapeutic at all for you? Yes. Do you think that’s important?

Speaker 4: 40:29 No one’s perfect. We all make mistakes. We all find out there are some things we can’t do so well. So just remember that there. We’re always going to make mistakes. Yeah. I don’t know if you find something positive or funny in a difficult situation, no matter how small it can help you cope better. So again, going back to focus on the positive things, trying to find the positive, even if something feels completely negative, take a look down the road there and see if you can find how it can turn into a positive or how you can turn it into one. And the last one here is take responsibility for what you did or didn’t do to call a difficult or unhappy situation. But don’t blame yourself too much. So I wanna take a moment just to emphasize this one. When you do something wrong. If you hurt someone’s feelings or you see something wrong or you fail to finish an assignment, don’t try to blame it on someone else.

Speaker 4: 41:33 Try to explain in a way, acknowledged the fact that you did something wrong. Take responsibility for it, but don’t beat yourself up over, you know, we’ve, we talked earlier in the podcast about how you tend to be hard on yourself acknowledging you did something wrong is okay, because that’s where you learn to deal with it and fix it in the future. Yeah. But don’t persecute yourself over it because then it just gets into a negative context at that point. And the, the, the lesson is lost there. So you’re responsible, but don’t, don’t blame yourself too much. Yeah, I know. It’s all, we had a, we’ll come back, we’ll get your closing remarks and if you have any shout outs. All right. .

Speaker 5: 42:27 Okay.

Speaker 4: 42:28 And I turn it over to you for your closing remarks.

Speaker 6: 42:32 Okay. So to everyone in the audience, I hope that you are able to build up your resistance, resilience, resilience. Okay. Sorry. Resistance would be good too. Then it’ll catch colds is awesome. Resilience. and the best ways to do that are to talk to the people who are close to you. Get more people close to you, and to always live by the lessons we have just spoken of. And also try not to be like me and beat yourself up about every little thing that you do wrong.

Speaker 4: 43:07 Okay. Kind of harsh, but okay. Did she have any shout outs today?

Speaker 6: 43:13 I don’t really think. I don’t think so. There’s just a lot of people that I could have given a shout out to. It’s just a little too many people.

Speaker 4: 43:20 That’s fine. I think that’s all we’ve got for this week. Don’t forget to check us out on our audio feed at our podcast, that insights into teens.com or you can check out the video links at youtube.com/insights into things, or you can catch us on Facebook at facebook.com/insights into things podcast and we’ll be back next week with another great podcast. Bye.

Speaker 5: 44:09 .

Show Notes

  • Introductions
    • Insights Into Teens: Episode 29 “Resilience”
    • Brilliant and beautiful co-host Madison Whalen
  • What is Resilience
  • How does Resilience Help
    • Resiliency can help you deal with everyday challenges such as:
      • moving to a new school
      • losing a game
      • making mistakes.
         
    • Resiliency can also help your child deal with more serious challenges such as:
      • adapting to a step-family
      • illness or death of a family member
      • bullying.
         
  • How to build Resilience
    • Resilience for young people is built on a foundation of strong positive relationships with parents. Children can also gain strength from other caring adults that they identify with, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles or teachers who might act as mentors.
    • Being connected to school helps build resilience, and friends and classmates can also be great sources of support.
    • Learn and practice important values and skills such as:
      • self-respect and other personal values and attitudes
      • social skills
      • helpful and optimistic thinking
      • skills for getting things done
      • Personal values and attitudes for resilience
    • Self-esteem is a great building block for resilience. Self-esteem comes from being listened to, treated respectfully, having accomplishments recognized and mistakes acknowledged and accepted. If your child has self-esteem, she believes that she matters and should be treated respectfully by others. She’s also more likely to protect herself by avoiding risky behavior and situations. Strong self-esteem will also help your child be less vulnerable to bullies and bullying.
    • Empathy, respect for others, kindness, fairness, honesty and cooperation are also linked to resilience. This includes showing care and concern to people who need support, accepting people’s differences, being friendly and treating others with kindness. If your child shows these attitudes and behavior towards others, he’s more likely to get a positive response in return.
    • Social skills are another important building block for resilience. They include the skills needed to make and keep friends, sort out conflict, and cooperate and work well in a team or group.
    • Helpful and optimistic thinking: Resilience is about being realistic, thinking clearly, looking on the bright side, finding the positives, expecting things to go well and moving forward, even when things are bad.

      When your child’s upset, you can help him keep things in perspective by focusing on facts and reality. For example, you could try gently asking, “What are you worried will happen? Is it worth getting upset about this? On a scale from 1-10, how bad is this really?” A sense of humour can also help you both keep things in perspective and stay calm.

      Your child’s more likely to feel positive if he can see that difficult times are a part of life, that they’ll pass, and that things will get better. You might be able to help your child with this. You can also help your child keep things in perspective and understand that a bad thing in one part of his life – say, a poor exam result – doesn’t have to flow over into all parts.
  • Ways to turn low moods into better ones include:
    • doing things you love and enjoy
    • spending time with friends
    • helping someone else
    • talking with friends or a support person
    • exploring activities that help you relax
    • going for a vigorous walk or doing some kind of physical activity
    • going over some good memories by looking through photographs
    • watching a funny TV show or DVD, or reading something funny
    • Skills for getting things done
    • Feeling confident, capable and ready to get things done are big parts of resilience. Important skills in this department are goal-setting, planning, being organized and self-disciplined, being prepared to work hard and being resourceful.

      Provide your child with opportunities to take on new experiences and master new skills. Allow them to make mistakes – be patient and cheer them on. You can also help your child work out her strengths and limitations. Encourage her to set goals that put her strengths into action, and help her to focus on what she’s good at. If your child’s good at singing, you might suggest she join the school band. If she’s good with young children, you could suggest she might volunteer to coach junior sport.
  • Key messages for building resilience
    • You can create a positive family environment that fosters resilience by communicating some key messages to your child in your daily life together:
    • Now and then everyone has a difficult or unhappy time. It’s a normal part of life.
    • Things will get better, even though they might sometimes take a bit longer to improve than you’d like.
    • You’ll feel better and have more ideas about what you can do if you talk to someone you trust about what’s worrying or upsetting you.
    • No-one’s perfect. We all make mistakes. We all find out there are some things we can’t do so well.
    • If you can find something positive or funny in a difficult situation, no matter how small, it can help you cope better.
    • Take responsibility for what you did or didn’t do to cause a difficult or unhappy situation. But don’t blame yourself too much.
       
  • Closing Remarks and Shoutouts

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