Compassion is the cornerstone of human interaction. Being compassionate makes us better people. But to be compassionate we need to be able to better understand and relate to people’s emotions and feelings. On today’s episode of Insights Into Teens that’s exactly what we’ll be talking about.
Show Notes
INTRO THEME]
[INTRODUCTIONS]
Insights Into Teens: Episode 168 “Compassion Through Understanding”
My caring and understanding co-host Madison Whalen
Summary
Compassion is the cornerstone of human interaction. Being compassionate makes us better people. But to be compassionate we need to be able to better understand and relate to people’s emotions and feelings. On today’s episode of Insights Into Teens that’s exactly what we’ll be talking about.
But before we get to that I’d like to invite our listening and viewing audience to subscribe to the podcast.
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[TRANSITION]
[SEGMENT 1]
Emotions influence every decision and action we take in life.
The complexity of emotions varies depending on the person, circumstances and environment
The ability to accurately read the emotions of others is a key component to our ability to empathize with others and what triggers compassion in us
In order to understand emotions it’s important to be able to predict people’s feelings then be able to accurately read those feelings
Predicting Feelings
Imagine yourself in this situation:
A friend asks you to a party.
You learn that all the girls in your group were invited — except for Paula.
How do you think Paula will feel if she finds out?
Angry
Sad
Hurt
Excluded
Confused
Nervous
Embarrassed
Indifferent
You probably came up with your answer by putting yourself in Paula’s shoes and imagining how you’d feel.
Most people in this situation will feel some or all of emotions A through D: angry, sad, hurt, and excluded.
It’s not as likely that someone who is left out will feel confused, nervous, embarrassed, or indifferent.
Being able to predict how other people might feel is a part of emotional intelligence (EQ for short).
It’s a skill we can all develop with practice and one we’ve talked about over the past few episodes of the podcast
When we understand how other people are likely to feel, it can guide our interactions with them.
For example, in the party example above, what if Paula asks:
“Are you going to Regan’s party?”
Knowing that she wasn’t invited probably influences how you respond.
You might say (or avoid saying!) any of the following:
“Yes, I’m going — are you?”
“Yes, I’m going. I feel awkward telling you. Is it true she didn’t invite you?”
“Yes, everyone’s going!”
“Of course I’m going! It’s going to be the best party of the whole year!”
“Yes. I’m sorry you weren’t invited. I don’t think Regan meant to hurt your feelings, I heard her parents only allowed her to ask a few people.”
If you didn’t know Paula wasn’t invited, you might answer with A, C, or D.
Because you know the full story, though, you’re more likely to consider Paula’s feelings and answer with B or E.
Answers C and D are the kinds of things you say when you know for sure the other person has been invited.
Reading Body Language
Sometimes you get more information about a situation from what a person doesn’t say
Part of emotional intelligence is reading the signals people send and taking them into account.
Let’s say Paula approaches you, looking upset. She asks:
“Are you going to Regan’s party on Saturday?”
Her emotional signals (body language, facial expression) clue you in that Paula knows she wasn’t invited.
In that situation, you might still answer with option A, but you’d probably be more likely to choose B or E.
But what if Paula approaches you looking cheerful and says:
“Hey, I heard Regan is having a party this weekend. Are you going?”
Based on her body language, you might conclude,
“Oh, she doesn’t know and she’s expecting an invite.”
If you have good EQ, you probably feel conflicted about telling Paula you’re going to the party when you know she’s the only one who’s not invited.
Even though it’s up to Paula to manage her own emotions, you probably feel empathy for her.
You know that how you respond can help her feel supported or make her feel worse, so you choose your words accordingly.
[AD1: SSE]
[SEGMENT 2]
Making Sense of Reactions
The skill of understanding others helps us predict what people might feel in a certain situation, but it also allows us to make sense of how people react.
For example:
In homeroom at 8 a.m., your friend is smiling, friendly, and full of energy.
Later that afternoon, he looks upset, almost like he might cry.
Which explanation is your best guess for what might have happened between these two times?
He had a fight with his girlfriend at lunch, and now they’re not talking.
He passed the 4th period algebra exam.
He just found out he didn’t make the final cut for varsity basketball.
The chemistry teacher assigned a lot of homework.
He probably just had a bad day.
You likely ruled out option B instantly:
Emotional intelligence tells you that your friend’s reaction looks more like failing an exam than passing.
If your friend had a bad day or a lot of homework (options D or E), he might seem stressed out, tired, or worn down — but he probably wouldn’t be on the verge of tears.
Ruling out those options lets you zero in on what’s most likely to be upsetting your friend: options A or C.
People who are skilled at understanding others imagine another person’s feelings (“I think he’ll feel awful if I say that to him”).
They are able to relate to how that person reacts to things (“Oh, I completely get why she got angry like that. No wonder!”).
Understanding how others feel, act, and react helps us build better relationships.
How to Build This Skill
It’s not always easy to predict or understand how someone else feels.
Some people are better at it than others, but just about everyone can improve with practice.
Understanding others is all about watching and listening.
It Starts With Watching
If you see someone trip and fall, you probably wince — ouch! — as if it happened to you.
We have a natural tendency to sense what other people feel just by watching them.
Scientists think there’s a biological reason for this.
They believe that brain cells called “mirror neurons” activate in the same way whether we do something ourselves or watch another person do it.
Try these ways to develop your observation skills:
Look at people’s expressions and body language.
Next time you’re at the mall, in the coffee shop, or on the subway or bus, try this:
Look around and try to identify how people might be feeling based on their body language, facial expressions, and what they’re doing.
The girl with the textbooks on her knee might have an exam coming up.
Does she seem confident — or stressed?
What about the guy with his eyes closed?
Is he feeling peaceful? Tired? Upset?
Read books or watch movies that have realistic portrayals of human emotions.
Pay attention to how different characters feel and act.
Try to understand why the characters feel the way they do.
Based on those emotions, predict what a character will do next.
Or see if you can explain why a character did what he or she did.
It Improves With Listening
People who are good at understanding others are usually good listeners.
Research shows that the better someone listens, the more connected that person feels with the person who is talking.
This produces a feeling of bonding and closeness.
Most of us rate ourselves as good listeners — after all, listening seems like such a simple, basic thing to do.
But often we’re so busy thinking of what we want to say that we don’t listen as much as we’d like.
Here are some ways to build good listening skills:
Practice listening well in everyday conversations.
Really pay attention to what the other person is saying.
Train yourself to think of listening as more important than talking.
Tune in to feelings as well as story.
When a friend tells you about something, try to imagine how he or she might have felt.
Make statements that show you’re trying to understand your friend’s experience, like:
“Oh, that must have felt amazing!”
or,
“That must be upsetting for you.”
You’ll probably notice that you feel closer, more “in sync” with the person.
You might find you can predict what your friend will say next.
Take time to listen to someone in depth.
Interview a friend or family member about a special time in his or her life.
For example, ask your parents about their wedding day or get your grandparents to tell you about having their first child.
Try to imagine what the experience was really like for them.
Ask them to tell you more about how they felt and why.
[AD2: ENTERTAINMENT]
[SEGMENT 3]
Turning Understanding Into Compassion
After building your skills in understanding others, how do you use that knowledge?
If you’re like most people, you use it to help and support the people you care about.
This is compassion, and compassion helps us form relationships.
Try these three ways to be more compassionate:
Ask others what they need.
If a friend is going through a difficult time, ask what you can do to help.
If your friend says, “I don’t know,” think about what you’d want in the same situation, then offer to do something similar.
Show a sincere interest in others.
Be curious about the people you know — not in a nosy or fake way, but in a way that shows you want to understand them a little better.
For example, ask about the kinds of things they like to do, or about their feelings, ideas, and opinions.
Act with kindness.
When you hear gossip, ridicule, or unkind teasing, make it your first reaction to imagine how it would feel to be on the receiving end.
That can help you tune in to other people’s feelings and refuse to join in.
Even small acts of compassion can build positive social connections (try saying “hi” to someone who is sitting alone at lunch and see how it makes you feel).
Scientists now know that strong social connections influence our health, happiness, and even how long we live.
[TRANSITION]
[CLOSE]
Closing thoughts shoutouts
[OUTRO AND CREDITS]
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Transcription
00:00:01:22 – 00:00:41:14
Michelle
Insightful podcasts by informative host insights into Things, a podcast network. Welcome to Insights into Teens, a podcast series exploring the issues and challenges of today’s youth. Your hosts are Joseph and Madison, as well as a father and daughter team making their way through the challenges of.
00:00:41:14 – 00:00:50:25
Michelle
The teenage years.
00:00:51:15 – 00:01:06:01
Joseph
Welcome to Insights into Teens. This is episode 168. Compassion through Understanding. I’m your host, Joseph Wayland, and my Caring and understanding co-host, Madison Wayland.
00:01:07:13 – 00:01:08:21
Madison
Okay, I can accept that.
00:01:08:21 – 00:01:09:22
Joseph
I’m okay with that one.
00:01:09:22 – 00:01:10:05
Madison
Yeah.
00:01:10:06 – 00:01:12:17
Joseph
Okay. Do you fit both of those?
00:01:13:09 – 00:01:14:26
Madison
I think so. Hi, everybody.
00:01:14:29 – 00:01:17:17
Joseph
Okay, good. So how are you doing today, Mattie?
00:01:18:03 – 00:01:19:06
Madison
I’m doing pretty good.
00:01:19:12 – 00:01:21:00
Joseph
Anything exciting this week?
00:01:21:20 – 00:01:24:11
Madison
Um, and in the marking periods tomorrow.
00:01:24:23 – 00:01:26:23
Joseph
Oh, judging. That’s money time.
00:01:27:21 – 00:01:28:28
Madison
You know, when the report card.
00:01:30:01 – 00:01:32:11
Joseph
Right? When your quarterly bribe comes out.
00:01:33:05 – 00:01:34:03
Madison
It’s not a bribe.
00:01:34:21 – 00:01:38:14
Joseph
Hey, I’m not above bribing my kids to do good in school. It’s work so far.
00:01:38:28 – 00:01:39:29
Madison
Fair enough.
00:01:40:27 – 00:02:12:24
Joseph
So today we are talking about compassion. Through understanding. Compassion is the cornerstone of human interaction. Being compassionate makes us better people. But to be compassionate, we need to be able to better understand and relate to people’s emotions and feelings. On today’s episode of Insights into Teens, that’s exactly what we’ll be talking about. But before we do that, I have to beg, borrow and plead to have our listeners subscribe to the podcast.
00:02:13:18 – 00:02:34:05
Joseph
You can find audio versions of this podcast listed as insights in the teens Audio and video versions can be listed as insights in the things pretty much anywhere you can get a podcast these days. I would also invite you to rating Give us your feedback. You can email us at comments and insights into things dot com. You can hit us on Twitter at twitter.com.
00:02:34:05 – 00:02:54:13
Joseph
Slash insights, underscore things or add links to all that and more can be found on our website at WW that insights into things dot com. Are we ready. Yep there we go.
00:02:56:21 – 00:03:17:27
Joseph
So once again we’re going to get to well I think we’re going to cover more out of kids health dot org for the research on this one because they were such a great source. They tell us that emotions influence every decision and action we take in life. The complexity of emotions varies depending on the person, circumstances and environment.
00:03:18:28 – 00:03:45:13
Joseph
The ability to accurately read the emotions of others is a key component to our ability to empathize with others and what triggers compassion in us. In order to understand emotions, it’s important to be able to predict people’s feelings, then be able to accurately read those feelings. So how do you predict feelings? So imagine yourself in this situation. A friend asks you to a party.
00:03:46:00 – 00:04:17:10
Joseph
You learn that all the girls in your group were invited except for Paula. How do you think Paula will feel when she finds out what she’d be? A angry B, sad C, hurt, D, excluded, E, confused, F nervous, G embarrassed, or H, would she just be indifferent? Now, you probably came up with your answer by putting yourself in Paula’s shoes and imagining how you’d feel.
00:04:18:11 – 00:04:50:14
Joseph
Most people in this situation will feel some or all emotions a through D angry, sad, hurt and excluded. It’s not as likely that someone who was left out will feel confused, nervous, embarrassed, or indifferent. Being able to predict how people might feel is a part of emotional intelligence or IQ for short. It’s a skill we can all develop with practice and one we’ve talked about over the past few empathy episodes on the podcast.
00:04:51:21 – 00:05:15:04
Madison
When we understand how other people are likely to feel, it can guide our interactions with them. For example, in the party example above, what if Paula asks, Are you going to Reagan’s party knowing that she wasn’t invited? Probably influences how you respond. You might say, or avoid saying any of the following. A Yes, I’m going, Are you? B Yes, I’m going.
00:05:15:05 – 00:05:32:28
Madison
I feel awkward telling you. Is it true that she didn’t invite you? C Yes, everyone’s going. D Of course I’m going. It’s going to be the best party of the whole year. E Yes, I’m sorry you weren’t invited. I don’t think Reagan meant to hurt your feelings. I heard her parents only allowed her to ask a few people.
00:05:34:03 – 00:05:45:19
Madison
If you didn’t know Paula was invited, you might answer with a C or D because you don’t know the full story, though. Wait, did I say that if you didn’t know.
00:05:46:21 – 00:05:49:23
Joseph
Because you know the full. You did say you did. Yeah.
00:05:50:04 – 00:05:51:22
Madison
Okay. Just want to be sure.
00:05:51:26 – 00:05:53:11
Joseph
Is the way it’s written. It’s easier that way.
00:05:54:00 – 00:06:05:07
Madison
Because you know the full story, though you’re more likely to consider Paula’s feelings and answer with B or E into C and D are the kinds of things you say when you know for sure the other person has been invited.
00:06:06:22 – 00:06:28:11
Joseph
So the other thing you can do is read body language. Sometimes and you get more information about a situation from what a person doesn’t say. Part of emotional intelligence is reading the signals. People send and not taking them into account and taking them in. Now, you got me all confused.
00:06:28:12 – 00:06:30:22
Michelle
Sorry.
00:06:31:07 – 00:06:59:21
Joseph
Part of emotional intelligence is reading the signals people send and taking them into account. Let’s say Paula approaches you looking upset and she asks, Are you going to Reagan’s party on Saturday? Her emotional signals, her body language and facial expression Clue you in that? Paula knows she wasn’t invited. In that situation, you might still answer with option eight, but you’re probably more likely to choose B or E border.
00:06:59:21 – 00:07:22:00
Madison
Paula approaches you looking cheerful and says, Hey, I heard Reagan’s having a party this weekend. Are you going based on her body language? You might include. Oh, she doesn’t know. She’s expect she doesn’t know and she’s expecting an invite. If you have good I.Q., you probably feel conflicted about telling Paula you’re going to the party when you know she’s the only one who who’s not invited.
00:07:22:28 – 00:07:35:05
Madison
Even though it’s up to Paula to manage her emotions, you probably feel empathy for her. You know that. How you respond can help her feel supported or make her feel worse. So you choose your words accordingly.
00:07:35:26 – 00:07:46:15
Joseph
So how do you think and we’ll go back to our famous scale of 1 to 10. How do you think your ability to read other people’s emotions are on that scale of 1 to 10?
00:07:47:18 – 00:07:48:20
Madison
I’d say maybe an eight.
00:07:49:04 – 00:07:49:29
Joseph
You’re pretty good at it.
00:07:51:05 – 00:07:51:15
Madison
Sure.
00:07:51:27 – 00:08:03:23
Joseph
Now, is that through intuition? Is that through facial expression and body language? Like how do you think you what clues do you pick up on?
00:08:04:19 – 00:08:23:23
Madison
Well, I give any of my friends. So I think any of my friends don’t feel great. They normally show it in their expressions or they show it by not really like cracking jokes or like their voices. Diferencas. Especially with you and Mommy, I can kind of catch the tones of your voice when I can tell you guys are upset.
00:08:24:06 – 00:08:44:24
Madison
And that’s kind of why sometimes I ask, Mommy, Hey, is something up? Even when, like, nothing’s really up? Because I kind of know the tone of tone of voice uses. And when she and I can tell, like when she’s fine, when she gives me a voice that I know that basically signals that she is okay.
00:08:45:11 – 00:08:52:11
Joseph
And of course, you know, when she gives you the mom voice, you know, she’s mad at you. Be a part of a dad voice when I’m mad.
00:08:52:23 – 00:09:16:22
Madison
Oh, you don’t bring it out often, but I’ve heard it. Really, what happens is you get a lot less accentuated your voice. You’re like facial expression is, like, much more solid and less expressive. Your voice, like, tends to deepen. Or you just scream.
00:09:17:11 – 00:09:24:13
Joseph
I just scream. So if I’m not screaming and I just look like a clown, then I’m in a good mood. Then that’s what it sounds like.
00:09:24:16 – 00:09:28:03
Madison
Kind of a good mood.
00:09:29:07 – 00:09:50:29
Joseph
So how do you think you are at expressing your feelings without saying your feelings? Do you think you express your feelings through body language, vocal inflection? Do you think you’re good at it? Do you think you can seal it? What’s your opinion? I guess that would be okay. I think.
00:09:52:10 – 00:09:54:27
Madison
It’s fine. Your fix and post probably.
00:09:55:05 – 00:09:56:03
Joseph
I’m just going to leave it.
00:09:56:13 – 00:09:59:00
Madison
Hey, you know, it’s for the comedy bloopers.
00:09:59:00 – 00:10:00:25
Joseph
Maybe one of the bloopers. Real Sunday?
00:10:01:01 – 00:10:15:13
Madison
Yep. Sunday at certain points. I definitely think I can make it obvious that I’m not feeling great without saying anything. And then other times I actively try to conceal it.
00:10:16:12 – 00:10:35:19
Joseph
Yeah, and I think a lot of times you’re very blatant about it. How was your day today? It was good, I guess. Oh, you guess? All right. That means we need to talk about it. Hang on. Let me settle in for this roller coaster.
00:10:36:07 – 00:10:50:22
Madison
Okay, fair enough. I can be pretty blatant in, like, when I kind of say it like, I don’t exactly have to say the day was bad, but most of the time I kind of just say, like, I guess. Or it was fine, sorta.
00:10:50:28 – 00:11:08:00
Joseph
It’s fairly easy to read it on you. Do you think that Mommy and Daddy do a good job of reading it? And not only do we do a good job of reading it, do we do a good job reacting to it? Because reading it and reacting to it are two very different things.
00:11:08:11 – 00:11:33:12
Madison
Well, I. I think you and Mommy read it pretty well because, again, you basically said that it can be pretty obvious when I’m not feeling great and even mommy has her moments when I’m not feeling great. And like she asked me what’s wrong? I definitely think we’re to a point when it’s much easier. Like you can irony, like tell you guys how I feel.
00:11:33:12 – 00:11:52:04
Madison
But even when like, I don’t want to say anything, you guys can tell at times and I feel you and Mommy pretty much do the point. But, you know, I think whenever I do say it’s like, oh, the day’s been fine, I guess that’s, you know, I guess a big.
00:11:53:00 – 00:12:21:00
Joseph
Yeah, we like certainly we don’t like guessing. So you’re friends when you’re friends. And I don’t necessarily mean with you, but if you’re a friend who’s having issues or you feel that they’re having issues. Do your other friends pick up on it or do you kind of have to clue them into it being, you know, a bit more empathetic and kind of coach them into how they respond?
00:12:22:01 – 00:12:43:23
Madison
Um, I’ve never really had to coach somebody, I think. And most of the time I kind of just have one on ones with some of my friends. If I don’t think they’re feeling great because I don’t really hang around in big groups if I don’t think someone’s feeling great, all kind of, you know, sit down and talk with them.
00:12:44:02 – 00:12:49:27
Madison
And most of the time it’s not really with any other of our friends.
00:12:50:01 – 00:13:14:25
Joseph
Okay, that makes sense. I think we kind of have a firm grasp on on how we’re going to be reading people’s emotions here. We’re going to take a quick break and we’re going to come back and talk about making sense of people’s reactions. We’ll be right back.
00:13:15:06 – 00:13:51:22
Michelle
Insights into Teens, a podcast series exploring the issues and challenges of today’s youth. Talking to real teens about real teen problems. Explore issues from races to puberty, social anxiety to financial responsibility. Each week we talk about the topics concerning today’s youth. We look at how the issues affect teens, how to cope with these issues, and how parents, friends and loved ones can help teens handle these challenges.
00:13:52:14 – 00:14:12:04
Michelle
Check out our video episodes on YouTube.com backslash insights into things. Catch our audio versions on podcast are insights into teens. XCOM or on the web and insights into things. XCOM.
00:14:18:06 – 00:14:43:20
Madison
Welcome back to Inside Tintin. Today we’re talking about compassion through understanding, and now we’re going to talk about making sense of reactions. The skill of understanding others helps us predict what people might feel in a certain situation, but it also allows us to make us make sense of how people react. For example, in home ruminate AM your friend is smiling, friendly and full of energy.
00:14:44:08 – 00:15:06:08
Madison
Later that afternoon he looks upset, almost like you might cry. Which explanation is your best guess for what might have happened between these two times? Hey, he had a fight with his girlfriend at lunch and now not talking B He passed the fourth period Algebra exam. C He just found out it didn’t make the final cut for varsity basketball.
00:15:06:29 – 00:15:12:09
Madison
D The chemistry teacher assigned a lot of homework or E He probably just had a bad day.
00:15:13:22 – 00:15:37:28
Joseph
You likely ruled out option B instantly. Emotional intelligence tells you that your friend’s reaction looks more like failing an exam than passing. If your friend had a bad day or a lot of homework options D or E, he might seem stressed out, tired or worn out, but he probably wouldn’t be on the verge of tears rolling out those options.
00:15:38:09 – 00:16:08:15
Joseph
Let you zero in on what’s most likely to be upsetting your friend. No other options A or C people who are skilled at understanding others, but they’re not lost by smart people who are skilled at understanding others. Imagine another person’s feelings like I feel. I think he’ll feel awful if I say that to him. They’re able to relate to how that person reacts to things.
00:16:09:04 – 00:16:23:17
Joseph
Oh, I completely get what she got angry like that over. No wonder. Understanding how others feel, act and react helps us build better relationships where I stumble throughout one piece.
00:16:23:23 – 00:16:26:04
Madison
Yep. You did it. It’s all good.
00:16:26:19 – 00:16:29:07
Joseph
All you on this one. Take us down strong here.
00:16:29:11 – 00:16:45:20
Madison
Thank you. So how exactly do you build the skill? It’s not always easy to predict or understand how someone else feels. Some people are better at it than others, but just about everyone can improve with practice. Wow. You know, that’s the big thing with all this.
00:16:45:20 – 00:16:46:06
Joseph
I guess.
00:16:46:15 – 00:16:54:21
Madison
Practicing understanding others is all about watching and listening. It starts with watching, not while they sleep.
00:16:55:19 – 00:16:56:17
Joseph
That’s creepy.
00:16:58:10 – 00:17:26:10
Madison
If you see someone trip and fall, you probably went out as if that happened to you. We have a natural tendency to sense what others feel just by watching them. Scientists think there’s a biology? No, a biological reason for this. They believe that brain cells called, quote, mirror neurons activate in the same way whether we do something ourselves or watch other another person do it.
00:17:26:28 – 00:17:53:26
Joseph
I probably should have read the script over. It’s kind of kind of rough the way it’s written. Anyway, Try these ways to develop your observation skills. Look at people’s expressions and body language next time you’re at the mall, in the coffee shop, or on the subway or bus, try this, look around and try to identify how people might be feeling based on their body language, their facial expressions and what they’re doing.
00:17:54:29 – 00:18:24:17
Joseph
The girl with the textbooks on her knee might have an exam coming up, but she seem confident or overstressed. What about the guy with his eyes closed? Is he feeling peaceful, tired or upset? Read books. Watch movies that have realistic portrayals of human emotions. Pay attention to how different characters feel and act. Try to understand why the characters feel the way they do based on those emotions.
00:18:24:23 – 00:18:32:06
Joseph
Predict what a character will do next, or see if you could explain why a character did what he or she did.
00:18:33:09 – 00:19:01:24
Madison
The skill also improves with listening. People who are good at understanding others are usually good listeners, researchers know. Research shows that the better someone listens, the more connected that person feels with the person who is talking. This produces a feeling of bonding and closeness. Most of us rate ourselves as good listeners. After all, listening seems like such a simple, basic thing to do.
00:19:02:13 – 00:19:23:11
Madison
But often we’re so busy thinking of what we want to say that we don’t listen as much as we’d like. Here are some ways to build good listening skills. The first being the practice listening. Well, in everyday conversations really pay attention to what the other person is saying. Train yourself to think of listening as more important than talking.
00:19:24:18 – 00:19:28:00
Joseph
Tune into your feelings. Tune and tune. La la la.
00:19:28:03 – 00:19:28:26
Madison
La la la la.
00:19:29:00 – 00:19:55:01
Joseph
La la la la. Tune into feelings as well as story. When a friend tells you about something, try to imagine how he or she might have felt. Make statements that show you’re trying to understand your friends experience. Like, Oh, that must have felt amazing or that must be upsetting for you. You’ll absolutely notice that you feel closer, more in sync with the person.
00:19:55:26 – 00:20:20:09
Joseph
You might find you can predict what your friend will say next. Take time to listen to someone in depth, interview a friend or family member about a special time in their life. For example, ask your parents about their wedding day. Or get your grandparents to tell you about having their first grandchild. Try to imagine what the experience was really like for them.
00:20:21:00 – 00:20:34:13
Joseph
Ask them to tell you more about how they felt and why. So have you ever done that? Have you ever actually sat down and interviewed anyone and tried to get kind of a deeper story from them on things?
00:20:35:15 – 00:20:50:05
Madison
I mean, the biggest example I can get is with you guys, because I’ve asked you at various points kind of about your past, like how you guys first met, what was your wedding like or was giving birth to me. Like, how will you.
00:20:50:11 – 00:20:54:13
Joseph
Answer that one? That was that’s totally mommy. That’s a mommy question.
00:20:54:26 – 00:21:03:21
Madison
How were your lives before you guys met each other? How were your childhoods? How was my childhood? What kind of child was I like.
00:21:05:06 – 00:21:14:26
Joseph
And how did that work out for you? Did you feel like you were getting the information you want, that you. Did you get any emotion from it or was it just a fact finding mission?
00:21:15:11 – 00:21:50:12
Madison
I mean, I did definitely get a lot of emotion for it, like with Mommy talking about your guys’s first date and, you know, the emotions she was feeling at that time. Or you were talking about your life as a child and your and how like you were and your feelings towards all your family members that bear. I mean, I’m sorry, but your dad doesn’t seem like the best guy.
00:21:50:13 – 00:22:00:11
Joseph
He was. He was. Anyway. So how are you listening? Do you think you’re a good listener?
00:22:01:23 – 00:22:04:12
Madison
Yeah.
00:22:04:12 – 00:22:05:07
Joseph
Give an example.
00:22:06:29 – 00:22:34:02
Madison
So my one friend and I at lunch, we kind of used that time for each other if we need to, to vent. And there have been times when they’ve had to come to me and said, like they’ve had a really rough day. And I kind of like let them know, Hey, I’m here, you can talk to me about it.
00:22:34:17 – 00:22:47:17
Madison
And we’ve gotten into some pretty deep conversations, not even just about why they were stressed, but also, you know, about the issues they were facing at home and just in general.
00:22:47:27 – 00:23:09:05
Joseph
Okay. I think that’s a good example. Now, when you have these kinds of conversations, do you try to look at it from their perspective and put yourself in their shoes and try to summon up the emotions that they would have been feeling under those circumstances to try to make it more meaningful, more realistic?
00:23:10:19 – 00:23:27:08
Madison
Yeah, sometimes when I hear some of the experiences, I think about what would happen if I was in that scenario to kind of have a better understanding of their emotions that they go through.
00:23:27:25 – 00:23:43:25
Joseph
Do you think you’re very good at conveying emotions when you’re telling people something, especially if it’s something that you’re either passionate about or maybe something that you’re upset about? Do you think that your emotions come through in those conversations?
00:23:44:05 – 00:24:13:02
Madison
Yeah, because I’ve noticed that with like things that I have like an aggressive passion for, like my own personal beliefs, I tend to be very clear where my feelings kind of lie on that. And like, it’s aggressive to the point where you might think I’m angry, which I can be when thinking about that. But, you know, it’s for like a good purpose or when I’m just passionate about art or this really creative thing I thought about.
00:24:13:02 – 00:24:16:18
Madison
I really like to tell people and I’m very enthusiastic about it.
00:24:16:27 – 00:24:54:00
Joseph
Okay? And I and I ask I know the the research itself talks mostly about listening. And I think listening is extremely important in these types of situations, especially in understanding someone else’s situation. But I think talking and understanding how to express your feelings is as important as being able to read other people’s. Because if you struggle to express your own feelings and your own thoughts and get your own points across to other people, it it’s going to be very difficult for you to read other people as well.
00:24:54:09 – 00:25:11:27
Madison
Yeah, the thing is, I’ve had moments when I’ve had a difficult time conveying my emotions and it’s happened a lot throughout the past year where it’s like sometimes I don’t really know what I’m feeling. All I know is that I really don’t feel good. I don’t really know what caused it. I don’t really know how to stop it.
00:25:12:07 – 00:25:18:00
Madison
I just really don’t know what to do or what anyone else can really do to help me.
00:25:18:09 – 00:25:45:29
Joseph
Yeah, and I think that’s really the root of the of the whole emotional intelligence theme that we’ve been trying to go over these last eight episodes or so. It’s it’s being able to to understand emotions. And one of the one of the first ways to understand them is to just to be able to label them. You know, you’re feeling something that you never felt before.
00:25:45:29 – 00:26:18:22
Joseph
It takes some reflection. It takes some time for you to analyze it and realize what it is and give it a name and naming an emotion is really the first step to understanding it. And once you can understand that emotion, then you can recognize it in others and recognize those are recognizing those emotions and others allows you to or it even compels you to be compassionate towards that person.
00:26:19:18 – 00:26:21:15
Joseph
Do you think you’re a compassionate person?
00:26:23:05 – 00:26:54:04
Madison
Yeah, I would say I can be compassionate. Well, I’d say I’m decently compassionate because the thing is, whenever one of my friends or anybody really kind of comes to me and has like their own issues, I try not to say too much, but I also show them that, yes, I am listening because sometimes I can understand the fact that sometimes people just need an outlet to let things out and they don’t always need like an answer.
00:26:54:05 – 00:27:12:01
Madison
They just need to kind of let it all flow out and maybe that would make them better understand it. And if they are looking for a solution, I at least try to give them a bit of comfort and offer again, after putting myself in the situation, offer what I would do.
00:27:12:21 – 00:27:35:15
Joseph
It’s funny you say that way because I think that’s the problem I often find myself in. I’m a solutions person. My job, my entire life has been about diagnosing a problem and providing a solution to it and one of the things that I struggle with is when someone comes to me with a problem and they don’t, they’re not looking for a solution.
00:27:36:13 – 00:28:06:12
Joseph
They’re looking for a sounding board. They’re looking to get something off their chest or to just vent or just to talk about something and I’ve learned over the years they kind of turn off that, recognize that, first of all, that they’re looking for that and then turn off that problem solving portion of me and then just ask questions, dig a little bit deeper, help them to unravel it.
00:28:06:12 – 00:28:35:29
Joseph
Like when you come to me, you you may tell me that you have a particular problem. My first instinct isn’t to offer solutions. It’s to ask more probing questions, and it’s to help you explore those feelings and explore those emotions. And then as you delve deeper in, they’re almost worth kind of a guided tour of your emotions. I ask these questions, you come up with the solutions, or the first one I’m talking to you comes up with those solutions.
00:28:37:09 – 00:28:45:07
Joseph
So So a lot of times understanding helps to lead someone down that path instead of just giving them an answer to it.
00:28:45:14 – 00:29:12:10
Madison
Yeah, that’s the thing. I feel a lot of people really just need a way to vent. They don’t always need to find a solution to something because sometimes they may not be a good solution or any solution to a problem. And that’s definitely something that I found with myself, is the fact that like I kind of like an analogy that you have for me is being too hot on the stove.
00:29:12:23 – 00:29:42:01
Madison
If you keep it clogged up and the steam keeps like and it keeps getting hotter and hotter, eventually it’s going to explode. So you need to let it out in smaller doses. And I find that I really, after like a day of school and like stuff happens, I really just need some time to vent because I can’t say anything in public because, you know, that’s not exactly what whatever you call it, you can’t really do that, Right?
00:29:42:09 – 00:30:01:04
Joseph
Well, and that’s the thing. Like so so the answer might not be here. Here’s a solution to your problem. The answer might be, okay, I got hit with a lot of homework today. I got hit with 12 exams. I got a quiz at the end of the week, I got a project. I got to. I’m overwhelmed. Okay, You’re right.
00:30:01:04 – 00:30:24:14
Joseph
You’re overwhelmed. Get it off your chest. Get it out now. What are you going to do about it? And now that you’ve released release that pressure. Now you can go back and deal with it. And sometimes that is the answer. The answer is there isn’t an answer. I have to deal with it. And I just have to get this frustration out because that’s what’s dragging me down and I can’t do anything.
00:30:24:14 – 00:30:47:23
Joseph
Well, I got this anchor tied to me, so let me get rid of that anchor, okay? I feel better now. Let’s go take care of that stuff. So you that’s where I’m saying a lot of the times it’s your own answer. You know, you just need an outlet. And sometimes you kind of need someone to poke or sticking your cage to get you to release that because you don’t want to bother people.
00:30:47:23 – 00:31:13:05
Joseph
You want to hold it in, you want to deal with it yourself. And sometimes that’s overwhelming. So, you know, I have a tendency of poking or sticking your cage, letting the air out of that that balloon there and then getting it back down to size again. And then once you do that, you get that off your chest and you release all that tension and frustration.
00:31:13:29 – 00:31:35:27
Joseph
You work very efficiently on things. So that’s your solution. It’s not a solution to the problem. It’s a path forward. And that’s really what what we’re going for here. So we’re going to take our second break. And when we come back, we’re going to talk about turning all this understanding into compassion and what we can do with it.
00:31:36:15 – 00:31:45:04
Joseph
We’ll be right back.
00:31:46:06 – 00:32:17:08
Michelle
Insights into entertainment, a podcast series taking a deeper look into entertainment and media. Our husband and wife team of pop culture fanatics are exploring all things from music and movies to television and fandom. We’ll look at the interesting and obscure entertainment news of the week. We’ll talk about theme park and pop culture news. We’ll give you the latest and greatest on pop culture conventions.
00:32:18:07 – 00:32:48:13
Michelle
We’ll give you a deep dive into Disney, Star Wars and much more. Check out our video episodes at YouTube.com. Backslash Insights into things are audio episodes and podcast insights into entertainment dot com. Or check us out on the web at insights into things dot com.
00:32:49:03 – 00:32:58:27
Madison
Welcome back to Insights into Teens. Today we’re talking about compassion through understanding. And now we’re going to understand how to turn compassion in. No?
00:33:00:05 – 00:33:01:16
Joseph
Yeah, sure.
00:33:02:17 – 00:33:11:26
Madison
And now we’re going to talk about turning understanding into compassion. Okay. That that’s much better. See, I’m tripping up, too.
00:33:11:27 – 00:33:12:18
Joseph
There you go.
00:33:13:21 – 00:33:38:10
Madison
After building your skills and understanding others, how do you use that knowledge? If you like most people, you use it to help and support the people you care about. This is compassion. And compassion and compassion helps us formulate action. Ships should try these three ways to be more compassionate. The first being to ask others what they need. If a friend is going through a difficult time, ask what you can do to help.
00:33:38:22 – 00:33:46:19
Madison
If your friend says, I don’t know, think about what you you’d want in the same situation, then offer to do something similar.
00:33:48:24 – 00:34:06:19
Madison
Also try to show a sincere interest in others. Be curious about the people you know, not in a nosey or fake way, but in a way that shows you want to understand them a little better. For example, ask about the kinds of things they like to do, or about their feelings, ideas and opinions.
00:34:07:13 – 00:34:36:22
Joseph
And finally, act with kindness. When you hear gossip, ridicule, or unkind teasing. Make it your first reaction. To imagine how it would feel to be on the receiving end. That can help you tune in to the other person’s feelings and refuse to join in. Even small acts of compassion can build positive social connectors. Try saying hi to someone who’s sitting alone at lunch and see how it makes you feel.
00:34:37:21 – 00:35:04:07
Joseph
Scientists now know that strong social connections influence our health, happiness and how long we live. And I think if there’s anything that can be said about this topic, it’s that there’s an overall lack of compassion in society today. Society needs a big, giant dose of compassion. Shot in the arm there, too, to get things going. And you see compassion.
00:35:04:08 – 00:35:30:02
Joseph
It’s not that there’s a there’s a absence of it, but it’s the exception to the rule more than anything. And there are plenty of compassionate people out there. But sometimes we only see those in either extreme situations. And a lot of that has to do with media. And you know, the fact that negative things tend to sell ratings more than good things do.
00:35:30:23 – 00:35:59:02
Joseph
But just in everyday general life, a lot of people have a tendency of going through life with blinders on. You know, I have my job and my place and I have to get that done and get my projects done. And I don’t take notice of other things around me. And sometimes it’s a matter of just taking a few moments and recognizing other people, and it doesn’t even need to be people in need.
00:35:59:02 – 00:36:25:15
Joseph
It could be someone who maybe helped you out or someone who may need a little help or just a little pick me up. It could be someone that you interact with very infrequently, but when you do, you have a pleasant experience. Let them know. You know, one of the advantages that I have at work is when we have a ticket system.
00:36:25:15 – 00:37:04:27
Joseph
So when people put tickets in, we resolve the tickets, fix problems, whatever. Then I’ll send surveys home and from time to time people will respond to the surveys with comments. And usually these comments are almost always positive. And when I get positive like that, I’ll reach back out to the person and follow up with him. I’ll thank them for their feedback and I’ll encourage them to provide more and that interaction itself, the appreciation of them showing appreciation is a compassionate feeling that they don’t expect to see, but it’s something that brightens their day.
00:37:04:27 – 00:37:12:19
Joseph
And I think if we had a little bit more of that in their lives, I think society in general would benefit from it. What do you think?
00:37:12:29 – 00:37:40:07
Madison
Yeah, I can definitely agree with you there because I mean, I’ve seen it because I will actively try to avoid the news, because it always it always just seems like absolute bad news and it’s very rare ever any good news. And if there’s ever any good news for me, then then it sometimes just means bad news for somebody else.
00:37:40:07 – 00:38:12:19
Madison
And it’s not always about the idea of compassion. And obviously, like you said, there are compassionate people out there. However, they’re not really shown. And even at this point, it’s almost seen as being fake because it’s like, oh, I just want to be seen as a nice person, even though I didn’t actually do a good thing. And I definitely that’s a problem, like with things like social media at this point where it’s like true compassion can’t really be shown and it’s rare to come across something like that.
00:38:12:19 – 00:38:29:26
Madison
That doesn’t seem like it’s obviously fake or something that like people claim to be is fake. So I definitely think that there needs to be more compassion going around because I definitely think that could, you know, benefit everybody.
00:38:30:00 – 00:38:52:19
Joseph
Yeah. And I you know, I mentioned to you earlier in the week, so I don’t obviously the podcast is what I do professionally. This is a hobby that we do on the side and I don’t push my podcasts at work. I don’t advertise them, I don’t I don’t pass it around. I don’t give fliers out or anything like that.
00:38:53:06 – 00:39:15:22
Joseph
A couple of people that I talk to on a regular basis know that I do that. So I went to walk through the cafeteria the other day to keep my lunch up till I usually eat my lunch at my desk and on the way back to my desk there is a woman in the lunchroom every day at the same time when I’m getting my lunch and, you know, pleasant conversation.
00:39:15:22 – 00:39:36:11
Joseph
We don’t really engage in a lot of conversation. Usually, but obviously we’re still with each other. And she was on the phone with someone at the time and I’m walking by and she put the phone on hold and put the phone down and pulled me aside and complimented me on the podcast and said she really enjoyed the podcast.
00:39:37:06 – 00:40:11:08
Joseph
Now, I don’t know where she heard about the podcast because I don’t advertise it like I said, but that was something that I took heart to, you know, knowing that somebody else appreciates because maybe it’s a hobby, but we put a lot of work into the podcast and knowing that somebody else appreciates that kind of, you know, gives you that, that that’s shot in the arm, it gives you that dose of compassion to know that somebody else appreciates that type of thing.
00:40:11:08 – 00:40:37:27
Joseph
And I was very excited to come home and tell you about it because, you know, it’s not often that we get feedback on the podcast and usually when we do, it’s it’s almost always positive. But hearing it firsthand like that really, really means a lot. There was there was a woman probably in our second season or so that I had engaged with in a chat on one of the live chat sessions that we did.
00:40:37:27 – 00:41:05:14
Joseph
And she was an older woman and she explained how she found that very helpful emotionally. The one particular episode of the taught me how I don’t remember which episode it was, but the way that we conducted it and the research that we did and the conversation that we had back and forth, it empowered her to take more control of those particular emotions that she had.
00:41:06:00 – 00:41:30:19
Joseph
And hearing that and knowing that we don’t reach a huge audience, but the audience that we do reach is somewhat impactful and in a positive way kind of makes me feel good about what we do. And and I’m hoping that that passion and that compassion that we put into the show helps to make the world a little bit better.
00:41:30:21 – 00:42:06:09
Joseph
We’re not changing things. We’re not solving world hunger or anything like that here. But that a little bit of extra effort. And I think if everyone did that and I’m not saying you go out and start a podcast, that’s too, too much competition. Yeah, but if everyone took that, that time, you know, compliment someone on, on the fact that they look nice today or thank them for holding the door open for you or whatever it is, Those little things, those little bits of compassion add up, just like those little frustrations add up, but you don’t explode from the compassion.
00:42:06:09 – 00:42:29:00
Joseph
So it’s okay to have more and more compassion out there. And and I think understanding other people’s emotions and being able to read other people allows us to react compassionately. Notice when somebody kind of needs a pat on the back and don’t be afraid to do that. What are your thoughts?
00:42:29:21 – 00:42:41:06
Madison
Yeah, I agree. Cause you never really know what somebody else is going through and. Just saying one compliment could mean a lot to them.
00:42:41:18 – 00:43:03:25
Joseph
Absolutely. And, you know, yeah, we all have confrontation in our lives every day almost. And the one thing that you have to keep in mind is maybe that guy who honks horn at you on the street or made a rude gesture to you, maybe he’s having a bad day. Maybe something bad happened to him. Maybe something frustrating happened to him.
00:43:04:23 – 00:43:27:00
Joseph
Don’t take those things to heart. Don’t let those things be the ones that influence you negatively. Take compassion on that person. Give them the benefit of the doubt that, you know, maybe he’s having a bad day, you know, give him a wave, given, you know, a head nod or a little apology or, you know, it’s okay or you’ll get through the day type thing.
00:43:27:22 – 00:43:43:02
Joseph
Give him a little bit of encouragement and give him a little bit of understanding. I think that’s all we had for the podcast today. We’re going to take a quick break, come back and get your final thoughts and finish up the business.
00:43:43:02 – 00:43:49:10
Michelle
All right?
00:43:49:10 – 00:44:21:20
Madison
Okay. So like everything we’ve talked about in the past eight episodes now, this is another skill that some people are going to be good at. Other people are going to need more practice. But again, it’s another skill that that you can practice and get better at. And again, like we said, compassion is really important and for the most part it’s completely beneficial.
00:44:21:20 – 00:44:36:03
Madison
And I definitely feel like we need a lot more compassion, even if it’s in simple ways. It doesn’t have to be like big and extreme the way you’d be on the news. It can be something simple because even the simple things can mean a lot to people.
00:44:36:19 – 00:45:17:22
Joseph
Okay, well, Sam, before we do go, I want to once again invite our listening audience to subscribe to insights in the teens on Apple, Spotify, Google, Stitcher, or subscribe to insights into things, which is video and audio. You can also email us at comments and insights into things dot com. You can find us on Facebook at Facebook.com slash insights into Things podcast or you can find us on our official website at WW dot insights into things dot com and you.
00:45:18:06 – 00:45:32:29
Madison
And don’t forget to check out our other two podcast inside entertainment hosted by you and mommy which you know you still need to do something about that and then suddenly tomorrow our monthly not really any more podcast hosted by my brother Sam which you haven’t done in a while.
00:45:33:06 – 00:45:35:12
Joseph
Right? Marketing one on one there, folks.
00:45:35:19 – 00:45:37:19
Madison
Hey you know it That’s it.
00:45:37:20 – 00:46:05:25
Joseph
Another one of the books by everyone by.