Assertiveness is about communication and confidence. Being able to convey your needs, thoughts and desires in a way that is constructive and acceptable is a key part of any interaction with other people. On today’s episode of Insights Into Teens we’ll take a look at what it means to be assertive, the benefits that come from it and techniques to help you be more assertive.
Show Notes
INTRO THEME]
[INTRODUCTIONS]
Insights Into Teens: Episode 165 “Assertiveness”
My confident and assertive co-host Madison Whalen
Summary
Assertiveness is about communication and confidence. Being able to convey your needs, thoughts and desires in a way that is constructive and acceptable is a key part of any interaction with other people. On today’s episode of Insights Into Teens we’ll take a look at what it means to be assertive, the benefits that come from it and techniques to help you be more assertive.
But before we get to that I’d like to invite our listening and viewing audience to subscribe to the podcast.
Show Plugs
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[TRANSITION]
[SEGMENT 1]
What Is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a healthy way of communicating.
It’s the ability to speak up for ourselves in a way that is honest and respectful.
Every day, we’re in situations where being assertive can help us — like asking someone on a date, approaching a teacher with a question, or doing well on a job or college interview.
Being assertive doesn’t come naturally to everyone.
Some people communicate in a way that is too passive.
Other people have a style that is too aggressive.
An assertive style is the happy medium between these two.
Here’s what it means to be assertive:
You can give an opinion or say how you feel.
You can ask for what you want or need.
You can disagree respectfully.
You can offer your ideas and suggestions.
You can say no without feeling guilty.
You can speak up for someone else.
Why being assertive matters
An assertive communication style can help us do the things we want to do.
But it goes further than that:
Being assertive shows we respect ourselves and other people.
People who speak assertively send the message that they believe in themselves.
They’re not too timid and they’re not too pushy.
They know that their feelings and ideas matter.
They’re confident.
People who are assertive tend to make friends more easily.
They communicate in a way that respects other people’s needs as well as their own.
They tend to be better at working out conflicts and disagreements.
People who give respect get respect in return.
[AD1: SSE]
[SEGMENT 2]
The Problems of Being Too Passive
Paula has a style that’s too passive.
If you ask Paula what movie she wants to see, she’s most likely to say,
“I don’t know — what do you want to see?”
She usually lets others decide things, but later she regrets not saying what she wanted.
It bothers her that her friends do most of the talking.
But when Paula tries to break into the conversation, she speaks so softly that others talk over her without realizing.
People who act too passively often end up feeling taken advantage of.
They may begin to feel hurt, angry, or resentful.
When you hold back what you think and feel, others don’t get to know or understand you as well as they could.
The group doesn’t benefit from your input or ideas.
If you start to feel like your opinions or feelings don’t count, it can lower your confidence and rob you of the chance to get recognition and positive feedback for your good ideas.
This can even lead to feeling depressed.
The Trouble With Being Too Aggressive
Janine has a style that’s too aggressive.
Janine has no trouble speaking her mind.
But when she does, she comes across as loud and opinionated.
Janine dominates the conversation, often interrupts, and rarely listens.
If she disagrees with you, she lets you know — usually with sarcasm or a putdown.
She has a reputation for being bossy and insensitive.
People who come across as too aggressive can find it difficult to keep friends.
They may dominate conversations or give their opinions too boldly and forcefully, leaving others feeling put off or disrespected.
People with an aggressive style may get other people to do things their way, but many times they end up being rejected or disliked.
They often lose the respect of others.
Why Isn’t Everyone Assertive?
Ben has an assertive style.
When you ask for Ben’s opinion, he gives it honestly.
If he disagrees with you, he’ll say so — but in a way that doesn’t put you down or make you feel wrong.
Ben is interested in your opinion, too.
He listens to what you have to say.
Even when Ben disagrees with you, you still feel he respects your point of view.
Why do some people have assertive communication styles when others are more passive or aggressive?
Part of it’s just personality.
The habits we develop or the experiences we have are another part.
But we also learn to be assertive, passive, or aggressive from watching how others act — especially the people who raise us.
Here are some things that can influence people to act too passively:
a lack of confidence in themselves or the value of their opinions
worrying too much about pleasing others or being liked
worrying whether others will disagree with or reject their ideas and opinions
feeling sensitive to criticism or hurt by past experiences when their ideas were ignored or rejected
not developing the skills of being assertive
Things that can influence people to act too aggressively are:
being overconfident
focusing too much on getting their needs met and their opinions across
not learning to respect or consider other people’s views or needs
not learning listening skills or how to ask for input from others
Things that can lead people to act assertively (“just right”) are:
Self-confidence
believing their opinions count, their ideas and feelings matter, and they have the right to express themselves
being resilient (able to deal with criticism, rejection, and setbacks)
respecting the preferences and needs of others
having role models for assertiveness
knowing their ideas were welcomed or assertiveness rewarded in the past
[AD2: ENTERTAINMENT]
[SEGMENT 3]
How to Be More Assertive
Being assertive is a matter of practicing certain communication skills and having the right inner attitude.
Some people are naturally more skillful when it comes to being assertive.
Others need more practice. But everyone can improve. Here’s how:
Start by considering which communication style (assertive, passive, or aggressive) comes closest to yours.
Then decide whether you need to work on being less passive, less aggressive, or simply need to build on your naturally assertive style.
To work on being less passive and more assertive:
Pay attention to what you think, feel, want, and prefer.
You need to be aware of these things before you can communicate them to others.
Notice if you say “I don’t know,” “I don’t care,” or “it doesn’t matter” when someone asks what you want.
Stop yourself.
Practice saying what you’d prefer, especially on things that hardly matter.
For example, if someone asks, “Would you like green or red?” you can say, “I’d prefer the green one — thanks.”
Practice asking for things.
For example:
“Can you please pass me a spoon?”
“I need a pen — does anyone have an extra?”
“Can you save me a seat?”
This builds your skills and confidence for when you need to ask for something more important.
Give your opinion.
Say whether or not you liked a movie you saw and why.
Practice using “I” statements such as:
“I’d like…”
“I prefer…”
or
“I feel…”
Find a role model who’s good at being assertive — not too passive and not too aggressive.
See if you can imitate that person’s best qualities.
Remind yourself that your ideas and opinions are as important as everyone else’s.
Knowing this helps you be assertive.
Assertiveness starts with an inner attitude of valuing yourself as much as you value others.
To work on being less aggressive and more assertive:
Try letting others speak first.
Notice if you interrupt.
Catch yourself, and say:
“Oh, sorry — go ahead!” and let the other person finish.
Ask someone else’s opinion, then listen to the answer.
When you disagree, try to say so without putting down the other person’s point of view.
For example, instead of saying:
“That’s a stupid idea,”
try:
“I don’t really like that idea.”
Or instead of saying:
“He’s such a jerk,”
try:
“I think he’s insensitive.”
Find a role model who’s good at being assertive — not too passive and not too aggressive.
See if you can imitate that person’s best qualities.
Even naturally assertive people can build and expand their skills. To work on improving a naturally assertive style:
Find role models who are good at being assertive — not too passive and not too aggressive.
See if you can imitate their best qualities.
(You’ll notice this is the same tip we give for helping with a style that’s too passive or too aggressive. That’s because we never stop learning!)
Notice where you’re best at being assertive.
People behave differently in different situations.
Many people find that it’s easy to be assertive in certain situations (like with friends) but more challenging in others (like with teachers or when meeting new people).
In tougher situations, try thinking,
“What would I say to my close friends?”
When you speak assertively, it shows you believe in yourself.
Building assertiveness is one step to becoming your best self, the person you want to be!
[TRANSITION]
[CLOSE]
Closing thoughts shoutouts
[OUTRO AND CREDITS]
Show Plugs
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Email us at:
Comments@insightsintothings.com
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Transcription
00;00;01;18 – 00;00;41;13
Michelle
Insightful podcasts by informative host insights into Things, a podcast network. Welcome to Insights into Teens, a podcast series exploring the issues and challenges of today’s youth. Your hosts are Joseph and Madison, as well as a father and daughter team making their way through the challenges of.
00;00;41;13 – 00;00;50;14
Michelle
The teenage years.
00;00;51;14 – 00;01;04;08
Joseph
Welcome to Insights into Teens. This is episode 165 Assertiveness. I’m your host, Joseph Whalen, and my confident and assertive co-host Madison.
00;01;05;11 – 00;01;11;06
Madison
You know, I really think you’re just calling me out at this point. Anyway, Hi, everybody.
00;01;11;08 – 00;01;16;20
Joseph
I am trying to bring out the best thing you if you think you can be it, right?
00;01;17;08 – 00;01;17;20
Madison
Sure.
00;01;19;09 – 00;01;20;00
Joseph
Tough crowd.
00;01;20;06 – 00;01;21;05
Madison
I know.
00;01;21;24 – 00;01;25;00
Joseph
So how was your week this week?
00;01;25;09 – 00;01;26;08
Madison
A bit weird.
00;01;26;26 – 00;01;37;01
Joseph
Yeah. Mine, too. So I was home sick with a migraine, and you wound up coming home sooner than you expected with some stomach issues?
00;01;37;13 – 00;01;37;24
Madison
Yup.
00;01;38;05 – 00;01;41;29
Joseph
And I don’t know about you, but I’ve been playing catch up all week since then.
00;01;43;05 – 00;01;57;15
Madison
Yeah, I mean, I was off Wednesday because they told me they had, like, excuse. No, I wasn’t off Tuesday. I was off Wednesday. Tuesday was when I wasn’t feeling well. They gave me an off day for Wednesday.
00;01;58;08 – 00;02;01;15
Joseph
Well, wait, was I out Tuesday?
00;02;01;23 – 00;02;02;06
Madison
Yes.
00;02;03;04 – 00;02;07;06
Joseph
So it wasn’t Monday. I’m so confused. I really am.
00;02;07;19 – 00;02;08;20
Madison
Yeah. It’s Thursday night.
00;02;08;21 – 00;02;11;17
Joseph
I need this week to be over. Just working to reset the week.
00;02;11;25 – 00;02;12;08
Madison
Yeah.
00;02;12;09 – 00;02;13;21
Joseph
But anyway, you’re feeling better now.
00;02;14;22 – 00;02;19;12
Madison
It’s still kind of iffy, but, you know, I was good enough to go to school today.
00;02;19;15 – 00;02;21;09
Joseph
Okay. Did you make it through the day? Okay.
00;02;22;10 – 00;02;25;10
Madison
Mm. I survived.
00;02;26;01 – 00;02;28;20
Joseph
Okay. Well, sometimes that’s the most we can hope for, right?
00;02;28;21 – 00;02;29;01
Madison
Yeah.
00;02;30;05 – 00;02;59;16
Joseph
Anyway, today we’re talking about assertiveness. So assertiveness is about communication and confidence being able to convey your needs, thoughts and desires in a way that is constructive and acceptable is a key part of any interaction with other people. Well, today’s episode of Insights into Teens will take a look at what it means to be assertive. The benefits that come from being assertive and the techniques you’ll need to be more assertive.
00;03;00;13 – 00;03;30;26
Joseph
But before we do that, I would like to take a moment to encourage our listening and viewing audience. If you don’t already do so, to subscribe to the podcast, you can find audio versions of this podcast listed as insights in the teens. You can find audio and video versions of all the network’s podcasts listed as Insights into Things, and we’re available anywhere you get a podcast these days Apple, Spotify, Google, etc. I would also encourage you to write in.
00;03;30;26 – 00;03;56;09
Joseph
Give us your feedback. Tell us how we’re doing. Give us your show suggestions. You can email us at comments and insights and the things that come. We can be found on Twitter at insights, underscore things, or you can find links to all of our social media on our official website at WW WW insights into things. Dot com. Shall we start?
00;03;56;15 – 00;03;59;15
Joseph
Sure. Here we go.
00;04;04;07 – 00;04;30;18
Joseph
So once again, we’re digging deep into the will of kids health that work for today’s topic. So what is assertiveness assertiveness is a healthy way of communicating that’s the bottom line. It’s the ability to speak up for ourselves in a way that is honest and respectful. Every day we’re in situations where being assertive can help us. Like asking someone on a date.
00;04;31;09 – 00;04;57;05
Joseph
Approaching a teacher with a question or doing well on a job or a college interview. Being assertive doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Some people communicate in a way that’s too passive, while other people have a style that may be too aggressive, an assertive style. It’s kind of a happy medium between these two. So here’s what it means to be assertive.
00;04;57;17 – 00;05;17;23
Joseph
It means you can give an opinion or say how you feel. You can ask what you want or what you need. You can disagree respectfully. You can offer your ideas and suggestions. Or you can say no without feeling guilty. Or you can speak up for someone else.
00;05;19;18 – 00;05;44;18
Madison
Why? Being assertive matters. An assertive communication style can help us do the things we want to do. But it goes further than that. Being assertive shows we respect ourselves and other people. People who speak assertively send the message that they believe in themselves. They are not too timid. That they are. And they’re not too pushy. They know that their feelings and ideas matter.
00;05;44;23 – 00;06;00;14
Madison
They’re confident people who are assertive tend to make friends more easily. They communicate in a way that respects other people’s needs as well as their own. They tend to be better at working out conflicts and disagreements and people who give respect get respect in return.
00;06;01;02 – 00;06;11;25
Joseph
So on a scale of 1 to 10, ten being very assertive, one being not very assertive, where do you think you fall on that scale?
00;06;11;25 – 00;06;12;17
Madison
Two and a half.
00;06;13;05 – 00;06;36;01
Joseph
That’s that’s kind of low there. Yeah. Do you think that that that low level of assertiveness has an impact on the way that people treat you or things the way you interact with others or maybe even a lack of opportunities that you normally would have if you were a little bit more assertive?
00;06;37;29 – 00;07;04;00
Madison
Yeah, pretty much. I’ve had like so many instances recently that have made me realize that, wow, I am not that assertive and I do not speak up for my own needs. I have one of the best things. It’s probably not anything to do with me being assertive, but when I was at the orthodontist appointment, I was actually like, glossed over like they forgot I was there.
00;07;04;00 – 00;07;25;27
Madison
Like they jumped over me. So that was fun because I waited for like another 30 minutes before they actually started working on me. But that was fun. I’ve had various incidents in school where, like, I’ve refused to say anything. And really I’ve also just recently noticed that my general interactions with people, I kind of just apologize for things that I don’t think I needed to apologize for.
00;07;25;27 – 00;07;30;09
Madison
I just feel weird with people giving me stuff.
00;07;30;21 – 00;07;51;10
Joseph
So do you know why you’re passive? Is it that you’re or why you’re not assertive? Is it that you’re an overly passive individual, or are you just non-confrontational? Are you uncomfortable talking to people? What do you think is the root cause of your lack of assertiveness?
00;07;52;04 – 00;08;18;13
Madison
Yes, it can technically be all three things you listed. I’ve not I’m not a very confrontational person. I try not to. I don’t really think I’d want to, you know, try to confront somebody. That’s not really how I roll. I don’t really like to talk to people all that much. And I realize that I also am kind of sort of a people pleaser in a way.
00;08;18;13 – 00;08;25;22
Madison
As much as I don’t want to be as much of a people pleaser as I am, I feel like I can tend to be like that sometimes.
00;08;26;12 – 00;08;51;24
Joseph
So is it something where you don’t stick up for yourself or you don’t feel like you’re deserving of the things that you think you should be assertive on? Is it a self-doubt? Is it a confidence issue or a lack of confidence or are you just a naturally shy and and withdrawn person?
00;08;52;15 – 00;09;04;14
Madison
Honestly, I do think it is a lack of confidence. We’ve talked about on the podcast before, and as much as I’d like to say I’m a confident person, there are just certain things that I’m like, okay, never mind then.
00;09;05;23 – 00;09;09;15
Joseph
Okay. Is this something that you think you’d like to improve?
00;09;10;01 – 00;09;24;16
Madison
Yeah. Seeing like the various things that happened and the fact, like, it’d be real nice if I could be a little more assertive and, you know, at least learn that lesson. I’d really like to find a way to do so.
00;09;24;28 – 00;09;38;03
Joseph
So who in life that you associate with now or that you spend any time with? Who would you think is is assertive, appropriately assertive, or say.
00;09;38;03 – 00;09;47;27
Madison
I guess I’ll go with oh, I’ll go with you.
00;09;48;09 – 00;09;48;25
Joseph
Okay.
00;09;50;12 – 00;09;54;07
Madison
At some point.
00;09;54;07 – 00;09;55;27
Joseph
All right. You got to qualify that.
00;09;56;11 – 00;10;13;26
Madison
Well, like thing is, you’re a very assertive person and you don’t like at one like, you don’t feel like you’re being treated right. And like you’ve told Mommy and I in certain instances where if we’re not being treated right, you got to stick up for yourselves or I’m going to do it.
00;10;14;11 – 00;10;23;07
Joseph
So that’s a very good point. So do you think it’s appropriate to be assertive or do you think it’s inappropriate to be assertive?
00;10;24;17 – 00;10;57;06
Madison
Well, I guess it depends on the amount of assertiveness and like the level of appropriateness when it comes to it, because it’s like in certain things. Yeah, I wish I would say more stuff because it’s like it’s an issue that I feel could be solved. So if I actually spoke up about it, it’d be fixed. But then when it comes to like more extreme levels of being assertive and immediately saying my way, then like I could come off being more aggressive and I could be seen as being the bad guy in this situation.
00;10;57;15 – 00;11;32;13
Joseph
Well, so you had a very good situation last year in school where assertiveness had a surprisingly positive effect for you. And we talked about it on the podcast before. So you had a substitute in one of your classes and the substitute said something that was gender inappropriate also, and that bothered you and you were assertive in that disgruntled nature.
00;11;32;13 – 00;11;35;00
Joseph
Tell us about that. You know the one I’m talking about.
00;11;35;01 – 00;11;35;12
Madison
Yeah.
00;11;35;17 – 00;11;49;26
Joseph
Talk about that for a little bit and tell me how it felt when you were when that assertiveness kicked in for you. Why do they kick in then? But it does in other times. And what was the ultimate outcome? Was it what you thought it was going to be?
00;11;50;22 – 00;12;18;09
Madison
Well, basically what ended up happening was I got uncomfortable with the idea and my teacher was back. I kind of let them know because it was bothering me. And, you know, they were very supportive and on my side they were willing to let me go and were willing to like, try to make a difference about it. So I was called down to the office.
00;12;18;09 – 00;12;29;12
Madison
And basically we we talked about the incident and I, like wrote something down. So, you know, there was some progress from it.
00;12;29;27 – 00;12;48;01
Joseph
So what caused that assertiveness in that case? Was it mommy and daddy? Kind of You came home and told us about it. Was it was it me being overly assertive and telling you to do something about it? Or was this something that you took the initiative on yourself?
00;12;49;04 – 00;12;59;14
Madison
I guess it was kind of both. I was kind of motivated by when I told you and what you told me to do, and then it was kind of just like I decided to finally do it on my own.
00;12;59;26 – 00;13;03;01
Joseph
And were you pleased with what that outcome was?
00;13;04;10 – 00;13;07;22
Madison
Yeah, I was, yeah.
00;13;08;10 – 00;13;13;19
Joseph
How did you feel when you exercised that assertiveness?
00;13;14;15 – 00;13;30;23
Madison
Well, I, I guess I, I felt good because, you know, I was finally able to I was able to, like, stick up for something. And, you know, I, I felt good afterwards.
00;13;31;08 – 00;13;58;15
Joseph
And I think, if nothing else, the important lesson to be learned from that specific example is you have a right to those feelings. You have a right to be respected. You have a right to be treated, right to be treated well. And if that doesn’t happen and someone disrespects you or someone says something that offends you, you have a right to speak up and defend yourself.
00;13;59;19 – 00;14;23;07
Joseph
And yeah, there’s a certain amount of confidence that you have to have in order to take that initiative. But you have that right no matter what. So you should never let someone put you in a position like that or disrespect you like that without saying something and you do it respectfully like you did in this case here, and you get a positive outcome from that.
00;14;24;09 – 00;14;56;05
Joseph
So it’s important to understand that assertive this is about communication. And, you know, like we said in in the read through communication with assertiveness communication is about respect. You know, it’s about giving respect. Getting respect in return. And assertiveness is kind of the highway to get you to that point. So we’re going to take a quick break. And when we come back, we’re going to talk about the problems with being too passive.
00;14;56;11 – 00;15;03;14
Joseph
We’ll be right back.
00;15;05;16 – 00;15;43;04
Michelle
Insights into Teens, a podcast series exploring the issues and challenges of today’s youth, talking to real teens about real teen problems and explore issues from braces to puberty, social anxiety to financial responsibility. Each week we talk about the topics concerning today’s youth. We look at how the issues affect teens, how to cope with these issues and how parents, friends and loved ones can help teens handle these challenges.
00;15;43;04 – 00;16;08;26
Michelle
Check out our video episodes on YouTube.com backslash insights into things Catcher Audio versions on Podcast Insights into Teens. XCOM or on the web and insights into things. XCOM.
00;16;09;00 – 00;16;32;11
Madison
Welcome back to Insights into Teens. Today we’re talking about assertiveness, and now we’re going to talk about the problems of being too passive. So Paula has a style that’s too passive. If you ask Paula what movie she wants to see, who’s most likely to say, I don’t know. What What do you want to see? She usually lets others decide things, but later she regrets not saying what she wanted.
00;16;32;23 – 00;16;59;07
Madison
It bothers her that her friends do most of the talking. But when Paula tries to break into the conversation, she speaks so softly that others talk over her without realizing people who are too passive, they often end up feeling taken advantage of. They may begin to feel hurt, angry or resentful. When you hold back what you think and feel, others don’t get to know or understand you as well as they should could.
00;17;00;29 – 00;17;18;21
Madison
The group doesn’t benefit from your input or ideas if you start to feel like your opinions or feelings don’t count, it can lower your confidence and rob you. The chance to get recognition and positive feedback for your good ideas. It can even lead to feeling depressed.
00;17;18;21 – 00;17;50;06
Joseph
Now, of course, there’s also trouble with being too aggressive. Janine has a style that’s too aggressive. Jeanine has no trouble speaking her mind, but when she does, she comes across as loud and opinionated. Janine dominates the conversation, often interrupts and rarely listens. If she disagrees with you, she lets, you know, usually with sarcasm or a put down. She has a reputation for being bossy and insensitive.
00;17;51;20 – 00;18;20;10
Joseph
People who come across as too aggressive can find it difficult to keep friends. They may dominate conversations or give their opinions to boldly and forcefully, leaving others feeling put off or disrespected. People with an aggressive style may get other people to do things their way, but many times they end up being rejected or disliked. They often lose the respect of others.
00;18;20;10 – 00;18;40;01
Madison
So why isn’t everyone assertive? So Ben has an assertive style. When you ask for Ben’s opinion, he gives it honestly. If it is, if he disagrees with you, he’ll say so, but in a way that doesn’t put you down and make you feel wrong. Ben is and Ben is interested in your opinion too. He listens to what you have to say.
00;18;40;14 – 00;19;06;02
Madison
Even when Ben disagrees with you, you can still feel he respects your point of view. Why does some people have assertive communication styles when others are more passive aggressive? Part of it’s just personality. The habits we develop or the experiences we have are another part, but we also learn to be assertive, passive or aggressive from watching how others act, especially the people who raise us.
00;19;07;02 – 00;19;41;11
Joseph
So here are some things that can influence people to act too passively. And we’ve talked about a number of these already, a lack of confidence in themselves or the value of their opinions. Worrying too much about pleasing others are being like worrying whether others will disagree with or reject their ideas and opinions, feeling sensitive to criticism or hurt by past experiences when their ideas were ignored or rejected and not developing the skills of being assertive.
00;19;42;25 – 00;20;00;27
Madison
Things get that can influence people to act, to aggressively include being overconfident, focusing too much on getting their needs met and their opinions across, not learning to respect or consider other people’s views or needs and not learning listening skills or how to ask for input from others.
00;20;02;02 – 00;20;38;01
Joseph
So things that can lead people to act assertively or just write include self-confidence, believing their opinions count their ideas and feelings matter, and they have the right to express themselves being resilient or being able to deal with criticism, rejection and setbacks, respecting the preferences and needs of others. Having role models for assertiveness and knowing their ideas were welcomed with assertiveness rewarded in the past.
00;20;38;01 – 00;20;54;21
Joseph
So it’s worthwhile to kind of run down these and just take a look at some of the reasons for acting too passively. We’ve already talked about a lack of confidence in yourself. Do you value your opinions? Do you think your opinions matter?
00;20;55;12 – 00;21;08;07
Madison
I mean, yeah, I do have like a value in my my opinions and behind closed doors, like I speak very passionately about what I believe in. So I definitely hold my opinion to a higher standard.
00;21;08;15 – 00;21;26;24
Joseph
I would agree with that. You already said you’re a people pleaser, so worrying too much about pleasing others are being like so the pleasing others part. I think we can certainly check that box. What about being liked? Are you concerned about other people liking you or is that something that makes you more passive?
00;21;26;24 – 00;21;46;07
Madison
I mean, I wouldn’t mind if people liked me, but I guess they may not be like my biggest concern. Like, I don’t. I know I can’t get everybody to like me and I’m not like, I want to be friends with everybody. So I wouldn’t say that’s as big of a concern.
00;21;46;14 – 00;21;59;28
Joseph
Okay, what about disagreement or rejection? Do you worry that that others will disagree with what you might have to say or might reject you for what you do say when you’re assertive?
00;21;59;28 – 00;22;25;16
Madison
Yeah, I’m kind of scared, especially when I talk to teachers. If I ask them things, I’m like terrified of them saying no, like for no real good reason. I guess I just. I get scared whenever I have to ask my teachers something and like, it’s a yes or no question because, like, I don’t know, I guess I associate know with being a much more negative answer, and I’m just somewhat terrified of it.
00;22;26;03 – 00;22;42;20
Joseph
Well, and let’s put things into perspective. These aren’t life and death questions you’re asking. They’re not pass or fail. They’re not going to fail you. Right. So what’s the worst thing that a no could do?
00;22;42;20 – 00;22;45;28
Madison
They the thing that I want just doesn’t happen. Right?
00;22;46;05 – 00;22;49;23
Joseph
But if you don’t ask, it’s probably not going to happen anyway, right?
00;22;50;01 – 00;22;51;06
Madison
Yeah.
00;22;51;06 – 00;23;15;04
Joseph
So, you know, Wayne Gretzky once said you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. He’s a famous hockey player. Yeah, you must 100% of the shots you don’t take. So if you don’t answer that yes or no question, it’s always going to be no. If you ask it, there’s a fair chance that might be yes. So that’s something to keep in mind when when you’re struggling with that.
00;23;15;12 – 00;23;15;24
Madison
Yeah.
00;23;16;12 – 00;23;30;23
Joseph
What about criticism? You know, do you are you sensitive to criticism? Have you been hurt in the past when you’ve expressed yourself, were your ideas ignored or rejected? Is that something that’s sort of in the back of your mind in these situations?
00;23;31;01 – 00;23;54;11
Madison
Well, I mean, I, I definitely think I’m able to handle criticism as long as, you know, it’s proper criticism. I can feel I feel like I can certainly handle criticism in a passive way. Having my ideas kind of ignored and rejected probably hurts a bit more.
00;23;55;05 – 00;24;22;21
Joseph
So I think that, you know, that hurts everybody’s ego and opinion when their ideas are rejected. But when your ideas aren’t even heard and they don’t even get a chance to be rejected, how does that make you feel if like your thoughts, like you have all these great thoughts, you’ve got this incredibly creative personality and creative brain and you express that in various ways.
00;24;23;21 – 00;24;32;19
Joseph
If you didn’t express that and you kept that all bottled up inside, doesn’t that have its own negative connotations and consequences?
00;24;33;20 – 00;24;50;00
Madison
I guess so. I mean, like I really do enjoy creating stuff and I like having the outlet for it. And I can definitely say that if I didn’t have that outlet and it was all just kind of stuck in my mind, yeah, it would probably be pretty negative.
00;24;50;19 – 00;25;13;19
Joseph
Yeah. So I think maybe you exhibit some of the symptoms that we have here, but I don’t think any of the thin things that you exhibit are an impossible obstacle to overcome. So I really think it literally is just about building the skill set for do you exhibit. Let’s just take a look at the too aggressive. Do you exhibit any of these?
00;25;13;19 – 00;25;28;07
Joseph
Are you overconfident? Obviously, that’s not going to be an issue in this case here. We’re still working on our confidence levels. Do you focus too much on getting your needs met and getting your opinion across?
00;25;30;02 – 00;25;53;02
Madison
Probably not my needs because I recently had the development of the stomach problems. I refused to go the nurse and and like at the end of the day, it was like, yeah, you probably should have gone to the nurse earlier. So it’s like, yeah, I don’t hold my needs as high, as high as I probably should.
00;25;53;08 – 00;26;00;16
Joseph
Yeah, that we need to work on. How about not learning to respect or consider other people’s views?
00;26;01;18 – 00;26;17;28
Madison
I wouldn’t say that I personally can. I personally really respect other people’s views and opinions and, you know, I don’t, I don’t like one and I consider them like you and I have I like healthy arguments.
00;26;17;28 – 00;26;36;17
Joseph
Sure. Yeah. I think I think I think you’re covered on this one here. I think you’re just to the point where you’re just right for your respect for others and their needs. What about listening skills or taking input from other people? Do you think you’re open minded with that?
00;26;37;15 – 00;26;58;07
Madison
Yeah, and in fact, I’m actually kind of an outlet for a lot of my friends to kind of talk about stuff with them because I’m a good listener and asking for my input on others for Mother’s, you know, occasionally I’ll show people like work I’ve done or stuff I’ve done and ask for their opinion on them.
00;26;58;14 – 00;27;39;10
Joseph
Yeah. So based on this criteria of too passive and too aggressive, you’re kind of in the middle, which is kind of where you need to be. So I would probably grade you higher. You say you were a 2.5 on that scale of 1 to 10, I’d probably put you at about a four. You’re probably a little below average, but I think you’re much better off than you think you are when it comes to assertiveness, especially when it comes to things that are important to you, when something is important to you and it’s something that you believe in deeply, you can be assertive, you’re passive.
00;27;39;10 – 00;28;06;13
Joseph
Most of the time. But there’s there’s the few causes that you’ll get behind that demonstrate that assertiveness. And again, it’s one of those things where it’s a matter of practice. You know, I didn’t get to be loud, obnoxious, like I am now. I mean, you know me when I can’t, specially if we’re talking about something Disney and, you know, Disney, my expectations for Disney aren’t met.
00;28;07;02 – 00;28;33;03
Joseph
I tend to be overly assertive when it comes to stuff like that. Yeah. When it’s things where it’s protecting my family or it’s costing me money or something like that, I tend to be very aggressive when it comes to stuff like that, but that kind of comes with practice. You know, I’ve had years of practice dealing with that stuff and in my line of work I have to deal with vendors all the time.
00;28;33;03 – 00;28;55;06
Joseph
And if you’re passive with vendors, it cost the company hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars if you don’t do it right. So it’s one of those things that took years to get to, but it’s definitely a learned acquired skill. So we just have to practice more. I think you do it when it’s important, when it really matters.
00;28;55;24 – 00;29;15;05
Joseph
You’re assertive and that’s the most important thing. So we’re going to take another break. We’re going to come back and we’ll talk about how to be more assertive. We’ll be right back.
00;29;16;00 – 00;29;47;02
Michelle
Insights into entertainment, a podcast series, taking a deeper look into entertainment and media. Our husband and wife team of pop culture fanatics are exploring all things from music and movies to television and fandom. We’ll look at the interesting and obscure entertainment news of the week. We’ll talk about theme park and pop culture news. We’ll give you the latest and greatest on pop culture conventions.
00;29;48;00 – 00;30;12;04
Michelle
We’ll give you a deep dive into Disney, Star Wars and much more. Check out our video episodes at YouTube.com. Backslash Insights into things are audio episodes and podcast insights into entertainment dot com. Or check us out on the web at insights into things icon.
00;30;17;22 – 00;30;44;07
Joseph
Welcome back to Insights into Teens. We are talking about assertive ness. So how can you be more assertive? That’s I guess the important question here. Being assertive is a matter of practicing certain communications skills and having the right inner attitude. Some people are naturally more skillful when it comes to being assertive. Others need a little bit more practice, but everyone can improve.
00;30;44;07 – 00;31;02;17
Joseph
And here’s how. Start by considering which communication style assertive passive aggressive comes closest to yours, then decide whether you need to work on being less passive, less aggressive, or simply need to build on your naturally assertive style.
00;31;03;26 – 00;31;25;28
Madison
So some tips to work on being less passive and more assertive include paying attention to what you think, feel, want and prefer. You need to be aware of these things before you can communicate them to others. Notice if you say I don’t know or I don’t, I don’t care or doesn’t matter. When someone asks what you want, stop yourself.
00;31;26;12 – 00;31;49;21
Madison
Practice saying what you’d prefer, especially on things that hardly matter. For example, if someone says, Would you like green or red, you can say, I’d prefer the green one. Thanks. He’s also practice asking for things. For example, can you please pass me the spoon? I need a pen. Does anyone have an extra? Can you give? Can you save me a seat?
00;31;50;18 – 00;32;17;26
Madison
This build you skills and confidence for when you need to talk first. Something more important now one When you need to ask for something more important, you should also give your opinion. Say whether or not you liked a movie you saw and why. Practice using AI statements such as I’d like, I prefer or I feel is also find a role model who who’s good at being assertive, not too passive and not too aggressive.
00;32;18;10 – 00;32;38;24
Madison
See if you can imitate that person’s best qualities. And finally, you to remind yourself that your ideas and opinions on are as important as everyone else’s. Note the knowing this helps you be assertive. Assertiveness starts with an inner attitude of valuing yourself as much as you value others.
00;32;39;19 – 00;33;12;11
Joseph
So to work on being less aggressive and more assertive, try letting others speak first. Notice if you interrupt, catch yourself and say I’m sorry, go ahead and let the other person finish. Ask someone else’s opinion. Then listen to the answer when you disagree. Trying to say so without putting the other person’s point of view down. For example, instead of saying That’s a stupid idea, try something like I don’t really like that idea.
00;33;12;29 – 00;33;30;28
Joseph
Or instead of saying he’s such a word that I don’t want to say on here, try saying I think he’s insensitive. And again, find a role model who’s good at being assertive, not too passive, not too aggressive. And see if you’re going to imitate that person.
00;33;32;02 – 00;33;52;07
Madison
Even naturally, assertive people can build and expand their skills to work on improving and naturally assertive style. You should find role models who are good at being assertive, not too passive, not too aggressive. See if you can imitate their best qualities. You’ll notice this is the same tip we gave for helping with a style that’s too passive or too aggressive.
00;33;52;27 – 00;34;19;24
Madison
That’s because we never stop learning. Notice when your best notice, when you’re best at being assertive, people behave differently in different situations. Many people find it’s easy to be assertive in certain situations, like with friends, but more challenging in others, like with teachers or when meeting new new people. In tougher situations, try thinking, What would I say to my close friends?
00;34;20;27 – 00;34;22;01
Joseph
Sorry, I was joking there.
00;34;22;08 – 00;34;22;23
Madison
Sorry.
00;34;24;01 – 00;34;54;05
Joseph
When you speak assertively, it shows you believe in yourself. Building assertiveness is one step to becoming your best self. The person you want to be. And I think that’s an important aspect of things to keep in mind. Here is the idea of being assertive is about improving yourself. It’s about learning, it’s about respect, it’s about self-confidence. And all those things combined helped to make you a better person.
00;34;55;20 – 00;34;59;25
Joseph
Do you want to be more assertive in your day to day life?
00;35;00;28 – 00;35;22;03
Madison
Honestly, yeah. I don’t want to be like two assertive to the point where I don’t like listening to other people’s opinions. But I’d like to be more assertive than how I am now and which I kind of just like, don’t mention a lot of my own opinions and it’d be nice to be more assertive in certain situations rather than just being assertive and only a few.
00;35;23;01 – 00;35;39;13
Joseph
So after talking about this, do you envision situations where your lack of assertiveness may have caused you a disadvantage or you may have lost out on things because you weren’t assertive?
00;35;42;23 – 00;36;02;16
Madison
Well, the best example I can think of is even though I technically didn’t really lose out too much, but basically what ended up happening was I had a history project and it was like a big poster it was going to be in a week and we had like a lot of stuff that we had to do for it.
00;36;03;20 – 00;36;17;28
Madison
And the thing was it was partner based and like you got only another, you only got one partner each and you can only work with one of the person. Basically there were 11 students.
00;36;18;17 – 00;36;20;07
Joseph
That math doesn’t work out very well.
00;36;20;12 – 00;36;21;12
Madison
No, it doesn’t.
00;36;22;19 – 00;36;25;14
Joseph
Seem it wasn’t math class. They probably could have figured that part out.
00;36;25;22 – 00;36;45;20
Madison
Yeah, and I was the one person that didn’t get a partner. And, you know, I kind of didn’t really like that because I was put under a lot of stress at first because it was like, Well, I feel like I’m doing the work of two people. So that’s just great, right? It was like the same amount of time.
00;36;46;06 – 00;36;58;14
Madison
And even when you guys said like, Hey, maybe you should mention someone new teacher I kind of didn’t for oh, I kind of didn’t. And you guys actually had to step in for me.
00;36;58;14 – 00;36;59;24
Joseph
And how did that work out?
00;37;00;27 – 00;37;06;03
Madison
Well, I was given extra time if I needed it, but.
00;37;06;09 – 00;37;07;01
Joseph
Which you didn’t.
00;37;07;11 – 00;37;14;01
Madison
Yeah, but I ended up being sick at one point, so he gave us an extra day anyway, so it’s like.
00;37;15;10 – 00;37;46;24
Joseph
Okay, that was convenient. Yeah. So. Okay, so that’s a good example of a situation where had you been more assertive, maybe you could rectify that instead of having to be burdened by being the only person working on that project or by getting extra credit for being the only person. So I think the important thing to understand is there are times that not being assertive can be disadvantageous for you.
00;37;46;24 – 00;38;17;19
Joseph
And I’m not saying you need to be assertive all the time. And I think for the most part, this being a glaring exception for the most part, when it’s important you assert yourself, if it’s something that you need, something that you want, something that bothers you, you rise to the occasion. You’re not assertive all the time. Maybe you could be more assertive, but I think in those times that it’s important you stand up for the things that you believe in.
00;38;18;18 – 00;38;21;04
Joseph
Your assertiveness comes out. Would you agree with that?
00;38;22;01 – 00;38;31;05
Madison
Yeah, I’d say that like especially when it concerns issues that I care deeply about. Yeah, it can certainly be much more assertive.
00;38;31;26 – 00;38;58;08
Joseph
And I’ll tell you, even the stuff that’s not that important, you know, when if we’re working, if you come to me and you have a creative project, you’re working on stuff you were doing for Mommy for her birthday, for instance, you have your creative idea, You come to me, you pitch them to me, and I’ll as delicately as possible and as creatively as possible, critique them and I’ll give you my opinion on them.
00;38;58;21 – 00;39;26;09
Joseph
And when you don’t agree with my opinion, you don’t have a problem disagreeing with me. And then we’ll talk it out and, you know, we’ll respect each other’s opinions. So even on situations where it’s not that important, you still demonstrate your assertiveness. And I’m sure that comes from a comfort level that you have with me, knowing that you can have those kinds of discussions with me and we’re not going to get angry at each other or anything like that.
00;39;27;08 – 00;39;51;20
Joseph
I think the important thing is you have to get to that comfort level with others as well. And I think if you do, you’ll find that being assertive is a two way street. People are going to be assertive, a few you’ll be assertive. But then that assertiveness builds that respect. You know, when you come to me with an opinion and your opinion differs from mine, I still respect your opinion.
00;39;51;20 – 00;40;23;05
Joseph
And in fact, when you make your point that builds that respect, the fact that you can stand behind it, you don’t back down. If you really think that something should be a certain way. I respect you for that, and other people will too. You know, it’s difficult using myself or mommy as examples there because of that level of comfort, but you have to believe that you’ll get to that level of comfort where you’ll have that respect with other.
00;40;23;05 – 00;40;31;09
Joseph
So that was all we have. We’re going to take a quick break. We’ll come back and we’ll get your closing thoughts. All right. We’ll be right back.
00;40;37;00 – 00;41;02;02
Madison
All right. So to everyone out there, I just wanted to say that assertiveness is something that is very important for you personally and it will really help you throughout your life. It’s important that you find perfect balance, much like everything in life, because you know you can’t have it. You can’t always have it one way or the other.
00;41;02;18 – 00;41;31;19
Madison
Being too passive could cause it to be stepped on, could cause you to never be able to have your ideas express it thoroughly, and thus you’re always going to be unsatisfied. Being too aggressive could cause you to not consider other people’s opinions and could have caused other people to lose respect in you. So really, it’s important to find a perfect balance where you can respect other people’s opinions, but also respect your own at the same time.
00;41;31;29 – 00;41;35;24
Joseph
Okay. Sage advice, as always.
00;41;36;08 – 00;41;37;00
Madison
Thank you.
00;41;37;16 – 00;41;59;15
Joseph
Uh, that was it. Before we do go, though, I do want to once again invite our listening and viewing audience to subscribe to the podcast. Audio versions of this podcast can be found listed as insights into teens audio and visual versions of all. The network’s podcasts can be found listed as insights in the teens. No insights into things.
00;41;59;15 – 00;42;00;20
Joseph
Scratch that. Sorry.
00;42;01;05 – 00;42;02;28
Madison
Isn’t that like the second time you’ve messed that up?
00;42;02;28 – 00;42;24;28
Joseph
I am. I have a script. I have a script and I have a screen here that I have it up on. So and I’ve done 165 of these. So you think I’d have it down by now? Anyway, um, we will also invite you to writing. Give us your feedback. You can email us at comments and insights into things dot com.
00;42;25;21 – 00;42;52;29
Joseph
You can find us on Facebook at Facebook.com slash insights into Things podcast. You can find us streaming six days a week on Twitch at Twitch TV slash insights into things as well as YouTube where you’ll find all of our episodes, all of our videos on YouTube at YouTube.com, slash insights into things where you get links to all that, more on our official website and insights into things dot com.
00;42;53;06 – 00;43;08;26
Madison
And you and don’t forget to check out our other two podcast insights and entertainment hosted by you and Mommy and what you guys are actually doing and podcasts so nice and Jensen and tomorrow are not really monthly guests anymore hosted by you and my brother Sam.
00;43;08;26 – 00;43;11;24
Joseph
All right. That’s a that’s a sales pitch, if I ever heard one.
00;43;11;26 – 00;43;12;24
Madison
I know, right?
00;43;13;03 – 00;43;14;27
Joseph
That’s it. Another one of the books by.
00;43;14;27 – 00;43;15;13
Madison
You on.
00;43;15;14 – 00;43;41;24
Joseph
My.
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