Insights Into Teens: Episode 42 “Respect”

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Speaker 1: 00:02 Insightful podcast by informative hopes sites, a podcast network.

Speaker 3: 00:26 Welcome to insights into teens, a podcast series, exploring the issues and challenges of today’s youth. Your hosts are Joseph and Madison, Waylon, a father and daughter team making their way through the challenges of the teenage years.

Speaker 2: 00:51

Speaker 4: 00:51 Welcome to insights into teens. This is episode 42 respect. I’m your host, Joseph Waylon and my intelligent and compassionate cohost, Madison. Waylon. How are you doing today Maddie? Really good. So we did start and then stop the stream. We had a little bit of a technical glitch with our sound here, but I think everything is up and running now. So how was your week this week?

Speaker 5: 01:21 I’m pretty

Speaker 4: 01:24 Normal to an extent. Normal is good. Anything exciting happen? It’ll happen today. You while we were switching classes, so that was fun. I guess that’s exciting. It wasn’t expected so. Okay, so then that’s unexpected. I don’t know if that makes it exciting. Good enough. Good enough. So today we are talking respect, so as always we will start off with defining what respect is within the confines of our discussion. We will talk about why respect is important. We’ll look at ways to show respect and how to model respect and then we’ll look at ways for parents to build a culture of respect with their children. Any questions before we start? Nope, I think I’m good. All right, let’s get right into with them.

Speaker 4: 02:21 So there was a lot of different definitions that I looked at here and really the cut and dry one that I found was on Wikipedia actually it says respect, also called esteem is a positive feeling or actions shown towards someone or something considered important or held in high esteem or regard. It can conveys a sense of admiration for good or valuable qualities. And it is also the process of honoring someone by exhibiting, by exhibiting care concern or for their needs or feelings. Some people may earn the respect of individuals by assisting others or by playing important social roles. And many cultures, individuals are considered to be worthy of respect until they prove otherwise. Courtesies that show respect may include simple words and phrases like thank you. Simple physical signs like the slate bow in the East direct eye contact or a simple handshake of over those acts may have very different interpretations depending on their culture or context. And we’re not going to get into how to express it from a cultural standpoint. We’re going to assume it’s fairly common across the board. The one thing I will say that kind of steps above and beyond this and, and this is my personal view on respect, respect is like currency.

Speaker 6: 04:00 Oh yeah, I remember. You’ve used the 6% boat before,

Speaker 4: 04:03 Right? So everyone deserves a certain level of respect just on a person, a person, human being level until they do something that they don’t deserve that respect anymore. But from that base you can earn respect and you can lose respect just like you can earn money and lose money. And respect really is how other people relate to you and how they look at you and how they see you. So it’s very important to one, have self-respect, but it’s also important to understand that when you interact with people, there’s an exchange of respect there. Just like when you interact with a merchant, there’s an exchange of, of cash or, or some monetary unit. And if you do things to you, it takes a long time to earn respect, just like it takes a long time to earn cash, but you can squander it very quickly. And that’s what you have to kind of be careful of is squandering that respect that you’ve worked hard to earn. Just like you don’t want to squander all your money that you’ve worked hard earn either. So kind of keep that in the back of your mind as we go through this. Questions on, on how we’re defining respect.

Speaker 6: 05:23 Nope, I definitely think it’s a clear definition.

Speaker 4: 05:25 Okay. Do you think, let me, before we even get into things, do you think that you conduct yourself in a respectful way?

Speaker 6: 05:34 Well, I tried to. I know that.

Speaker 4: 05:35 Okay. Do you get confident comments or compliments on whether or not you’re respectful?

Speaker 6: 05:43 Yeah, from teachers whenever I like show respect to others or help others out the teachers definitely compliment me for it.

Speaker 4: 05:51 Excellent. So you, you’ve got a pretty firm ground on which to have this discussion then. All right. So let’s talk about why respect is important. So this information comes from a website called new harbinger.com and they talk about the various different things as to why respect is important. And the first one is the need. And we talked about this in the intro, the need to be valued by others and that’s a universal need. Do you understand how respect makes you valuable to other people?

Speaker 6: 06:35 Yes, I do.

Speaker 4: 06:37 And do you feel other people value you because of that respect?

Speaker 6: 06:42 I can definitely say that cause I know that in school the teachers can have certain ways on how they consider you a good student, one being respect. And I definitely think if you have good respect towards others and towards yourself, the teachers will definitely say that and think good of you.

Speaker 4: 07:03 Very good. The next thing they talk about, they say, well demonstrated differently in different cultures. It is a fundamental human need and it is required to establish a secure sense of self. Do you think you respect yourself?

Speaker 6: 07:21 Yeah, I think I do.

Speaker 4: 07:22 And this is going to be an odd question, but how do you think you respect yourself?

Speaker 6: 07:28 Well, I could definitely say I respect my pros and cons I’ll say, or the things I’m good at and the things I’m bad at.

Speaker 4: 07:40 Well, that’s a great example. All right, so the next thing we talk about is respect is the fuel that feeds our drive to find a sense of purpose in our lives and to form attachments and connections with others. So respect is very important in relationships and really as you go through life, everything is based on relationships, whether it’s friendships with people at school, the relationship that you have with your teachers now or your parents for that matter. And as you get older, the relationships that you build professionally are all based on respect. So if you don’t, if you don’t have that common respect, then it’s, you’re incapable of having these interpersonal relationships on any kind of meaningful level, I think is sort of what they’re getting at now. Do you have mutual respect with your peers at school?

Speaker 6: 08:42 Yeah. Iris, I will respect everyone. But I do respect sir. I mean, remember how you set, set in the beginning, you think of respect as, right. That’s sort of how I have it because like with my friends, I definitely have a lot of respect for them, but would certain people who kind of annoy me at school, I don’t really have too much respect for them.

Speaker 4: 09:09 Okay. And I could see that. I mean, and again, that’s one of those things where, you know, respect is a currency and, and if they’ve squandered that currency by the way that they treat you, then I can totally see how that respect wouldn’t be there mutually with them. Yeah. They say without expressions of respect, we cannot know the value of ourselves or the value in others. So do you, do you see how respect equates to the value in, in people?

Speaker 6: 09:43 Yeah, like having others respect. You can definitely hold a certain value in you. Like you feel valuable, you feel like people want to have you around and like they want to you to be around. And if you don’t have too much respect, you don’t really feel included with other people.

Speaker 4: 10:09 Yeah, that’s a very good, that’s a very, very good parallel to draw. There is that inclusion factor. They also say that respect is a basic intuitive desire and so critical for positive outcomes in our work. And this is one thing that I can talk to from a professional standpoint where in the position that I’m in, I have a staff of people that I manage that work on their may and I report to those that are higher up. So that respect travels across all of those levels. And, and it, it really defines a lot of things in a professional environment defines trust. It defines your willingness to work with people. It allows you to manage and be managed by people. If I don’t, don’t respect the people that I report to, it’s very difficult to take guidance from them. And in order to do my job, I have to take guidance from, from those above me. So it’s something that works across all facets of life. Professionally. Researchers who have studied respect have found that not only do teens very clearly know when they are or are not being respected, but their behavior is shaped by these experiences. So do you feel that you act differently depending on whether or not you feel respected?

Speaker 6: 11:45 Mmm Hmm. Well I can definitely say if I don’t feel respected, I will try to earn their respect in any way I can. And if I do feel respected, I will. I know that I’m doing something right and I’ll keep doing what I’m doing to make sure I keep the balance of respect.

Speaker 4: 12:01 Well, let’s take, take for instance, those that you don’t share that mutual respect with that we talked about before. Do you feel that lack of respect that you, you sense from them? Do you feel that that affects how you interact with them? Are you trying to earn their respect or is it the point that you don’t value them enough because of that lack of respect that you don’t even bother at this point?

Speaker 6: 12:27 Honestly, I know I can’t really earn their respect. They’re kind of more ignorant than they can then I can really handle. So the best thing for me to do is just ignore them. It’s what I do with all the people who don’t seem to respect me.

Speaker 4: 12:43 Sure. For many teens respect as a powerful determinant of whether they will engage in productive behaviors or destructive behaviors. Do you have any destructive behaviors that you think can think of?

Speaker 6: 13:04 Like can you give me an example of them?

Speaker 4: 13:05 Do you have bad habits? Do you do things that are counter to what you know the rules are or anything like that?

Speaker 6: 13:15 No, I actually don’t think I really do anything that’s against the rules. I’m a hard worker. I try to respect others and I overall think I’m a pretty good person and don’t really break the rules.

Speaker 4: 13:27 That’s good. I think the angle they’re taking here is that in situations where teens feel they don’t have that respect, they tend to act out and an acting out. The tend to do it in a destructive way if they’re not getting the attention. Because a lot of teens equate attention to respect. So if they aren’t getting the attention and respect they think they deserve, they tend to act out in destructive ways.

Speaker 6: 13:54 Yeah. Attention seekers, they K class clowns.

Speaker 4: 13:58 Yeah. A lot of times. Yeah. That’s a, that’s a very good point. Yup. Even more critically respect has been found to be a mechanism that supports the development of a strong moral code. Now we’ve talked about morals, you know, throughout the various podcasts that we have and we haven’t really dwelled on it too much. But do you think that your in’s been instilled with a firm moral code of knowing the difference between right and wrong? Yeah,

Speaker 6: 14:27 I can definitely say I’ve been taught what, when to do the right when it’s good, what to do in a certain situation and to make sure I do the right thing and not the wrong thing because I’ve learned that there can be consequences if you do the wrong thing and they can occasionally be awards if you do the right thing and just doing the right thing makes you a better person anyway. So even if you don’t get rewarded for that one did, you didn’t that in one event you will still become a better person. You will gradually become a better person. So I can definitely say I’ve got a pretty good moral

Speaker 4: 15:05 Now. Do you think that moral sense of right and wrong is driven by or influenced by respect?

Speaker 6: 15:12 I can definitely say it’s been driven and influenced by your respect because like I said, if you become a better person it means people will S will earn more respect for you. And becoming a better person I’m doing the right thing can definitely earn some respect and that actually helps me drive myself because I know like that’s where award, like I don’t expect a physical reward. I can, like right now I can expect mental awards. Like whenever someone likes one of my drawings, I like that people think my drawings are good. Same goes with when I do the right thing, when people respect my decision and no, I did the right thing and compliment me for it. I just feel a sense of happiness, which has helped me strive to become a better person.

Speaker 4: 16:01 Okay. I can certainly relate to that. Teens often reported that feeling valued or respected came from being challenged or pushed beyond their comfort zone. Do you feel that that mommy and daddy or your teachers or your peers tend to push you beyond that comfort zone and, and do you see the rewards from that when that does happen?

Speaker 6: 16:31 I don’t know if they’ve ever really pushed me out of my comfort zone.

Speaker 4: 16:35 Well, because that’s something that mommy and daddy tried to do from time to time without overstressing, you know,

Speaker 6: 16:42 Like, can you give me an example of how you do it? Cause I don’t fully understand it.

Speaker 4: 16:45 Well, you know, when it came time to look at classes for this year and you had the option of going into one or more advanced classes, mommy and daddy kind of encouraged you and directed you to go into that advanced math class, which to date has proven challenging for you, but, and you’ve managed to stand up to that challenge and that kind of pushed you out of that comfort zone of yours where you, you were very confident where you were last year and you were thinking that if you didn’t take the advanced class you’d still have that level of confidence. But mommy and daddy wanted to push you a little bit and challenge you. How do you think that outcome has, has worked out so far?

Speaker 6: 17:31 Well, I can definitely say I’m better at admitting that I’m not able to get straight A’s anymore because some kind of getting a high B in math now and I used to be a complete straight a student. I definitely think doing that has helped me to learn that there are challenges in life and that I can still try and overcome them. Like if I didn’t take any of the advanced classes I use like say before I would have gotten straight A’s, been bored and not have been challenged. And the reason why you put me in the advanced math class was so I could be challenged. And I can definitely say I have been challenged

Speaker 4: 18:13 And I can honestly tell you, you know, speaking certainly for myself and I think I can confidently say for mommy that you accepting that challenge, taking on the harder course of the advanced math and still being as successful as you are, mommy and daddy have a whole new respect for you and your ability to, to stand up to those challenges. So you’ve certainly earned more respect from mommy and daddy for doing that. Even though you’re not bringing home the gay mommy and daddy aren’t heartbroken about that. The fact that you took that challenge on and you’re, you’re taking it head on and you’re doing so well with it, that’s something that mommy and daddy have a tremendous amount of respect for.

Speaker 6: 18:55 Yeah, and I think I’m bettered at admitting that I don’t have an a because before I would probably be just like heartbroken. And at first I was heartbroken that I wasn’t getting straight a straight a anymore. But now I understand why because the advanced class is kind of hard

Speaker 4: 19:15 And that be that Jaime that you bring home is an accomplishment because you’ve worked your butt off to get that high B. Whereas before the a that you were getting before you are kind of coasting through cause it wasn’t challenging at all. So this high B I think is giving you more growth than the straight A’s we’re giving you before. But that’s just my opinion. Being pushed by an adult conveys a message to teens that the adult’s belief about the adults believe in their capabilities in this exact is exactly what I’m talking about. Mommy and daddy pushing you is our way of telling you that you’re capable of doing more. We know that you’re capable of doing more and doing more and taking on those challenges allows you to grow more. Everyone fails at achieving what their ultimate goals are from time to time, and there’s a lesson to be learned in those failures.

Speaker 4: 20:15 There’s a whole new found respect that you have for the difficulties that you’re going through as well. So all of this is a lesson in growth for you, and it’s really what mommy and daddy think about what you’re capable of doing. You’re capable of doing much more just like you’re getting A’s in all your other classes now, maybe you should be getting BS and you should be in the advanced classes for all of these so that you’re getting the same benefit from those BS that you’re getting from your BS in your advanced math class. Just my opinion, what are your thoughts on that?

Speaker 6: 20:49 Hmm. I’m not sure I really want to start that yet.

Speaker 4: 20:52 I’m not trying to scare you into it.

Speaker 6: 20:55 I don’t really want to do right now.

Speaker 4: 20:57 I see the benefits that you’re getting from your advanced math, even though it’s a B, it’s a high B and you’re working very hard to get that. That’s what’s contributing to your growth. Teens also expressed feeling respected when adults paid attention to them by listening and responding without judgment and accepting their beliefs and values if those beliefs and values were different from the adult’s own. So basically what they’re saying here is teens who feel like they are listened to and that their opinions are valued, even if it’s not shared by the adult. We could have different the difference of opinions, but because we respect your opinions, it means we respect you. Do you feel like you are listened to and not judged by mommy and daddy?

Speaker 6: 21:47 Yeah. Even though you know, I always say don’t judge me. It’s kind of a force of habit for me. But you don’t judge me. That’s the thing. I don’t have to say it. You guys don’t actually judge me. I can remember back in sixth grade when I was completely broken down about school that I would just always say everything that I was feeling and you guys wouldn’t en all you guys would really do was try to help. And I can definitely say I felt respect towards you guys and that you guys were the, some of the very few people I could actually talk to.

Speaker 4: 22:19 Well that’s good to know. That’s exactly what we’re here for. So they sum up why respect is important by saying additionally, when adults were responsive to their intellectual, physical, social, and emotional needs, teen sense, a genuine concern for their welfare, which made them feel valued. Do you feel, obviously mommy and daddy have a genuine concern for your welfare. So I’m not going to ask the obvious question, but do you feel that your teachers have an investment in your Commonwealth fair?

Speaker 6: 22:55 Well, I can definitely say like whenever I’m a bit worried, I know that in my ELA class, my teachers always tell me like, I’m doing a good job. Even though like I’m worrying over the fact that I can’t finish something because I’m not fast enough. But my teachers always say it’s fine and then I’m doing okay and I’m actually doing better than a few other students.

Speaker 4: 23:17 Okay, well that’s good to know. So that’s all we have for that segment. When we come back, we’re going to talk about ways to show and how to model respect. So this information comes from a website we’ve never used before called ah, the Haven wood academy.org and they just give a bullet list of, of ways to show respect or how to show or model respect and teens. And the first one is to verbally acknowledge feelings. Do you feel in general that your feelings are acknowledged by those around you?

Speaker 6: 23:58 Well, I mean I really only express my feelings to you and my friends, but I definitely feel like my feelings are valued by you and by you guys and my friends. And I can definitely say that helps me know that I’m respected to by at least the people who I care about the most.

Speaker 4: 24:16 And that’s important. Ask for their prep preferences, give choices as often as possible, such as a, would you like to do the dishes now or before you go to bed? Although I’m not sure that’s a preference. Either way you’re doing the dishes. Yeah, it’s kind of a silly representation. Yeah. But do you feel like you’re given preferences and this sort of goes back to our responsibilities, podcasts where as you get older you get more and more responsibilities, but are your preferences something that you think are taken into account?

Speaker 6: 24:53 Yeah, I can definitely say so. Cause like I, yesterday I had so much homework I had to do and I was worried I can cook dinner that night. So I made sure to call mommy and said, Hey, I’m, I’m probably not going to be able to cook dinner tonight because I have so much homework. And mommy was okay with it because she would normally cook any, she would normally cook dinner anyway. And me cooking was just like helping her out. And since I wasn’t able to do it, she was deaf. She was understanding and was able to and she was able to compromise.

Speaker 4: 25:30 It’s a very good example, refrain from shouting or yelling back. Do you get a lot of pushback from us yelling back at you or anything?

Speaker 6: 25:39 No, we honestly don’t really fight so, and you don’t really yell a lot at me

Speaker 4: 25:45 Just to the cats in inanimate objects. Yeah. Give them space and time to cool down when they’re upset. Do we do that?

Speaker 6: 25:54 Yeah, I can definitely say that like you guys know when you, when I reached my limit, like you guys will immediately ask me what’s wrong and when I say I don’t really want to talk about it or that I’m fine, even though you know that it’s bad, I can definitely remember you would use to poke your sticking my cage. Yes I did. And but you definitely knew when you reached your limit and you would let me call it off even though I didn’t like the fact that you stuck it. The ebook,

Speaker 4: 26:23 Sometimes it’s a matter of pushing you up to that edge and then backing you down. That’s just a psychological thing. This next one they talk about is really how to set the example and they talk about treating waiters or waitresses, cashiers and other service employees with kindness and respect to communicate to your team that respect this for everyone. And that each person has feelings and values. And I, and I hope that mommy and I demonstrate that to you. Part of that is by, you know, nowadays when we go to a restaurant and we eat out one, I always treat the service with the servers with respect because w I understand, I’ve worked in the restaurant industry years ago and I totally respect how much effort is required in doing their jobs, but also they work very hard. They tend to not make a lot of money and they do some of the more demanding jobs out there in the, in the industry.

Speaker 4: 27:33 But one of the things we’ve taken to doing is giving you the check and telling you to calculate what the tip is. And the tip itself, at least in my opinion, is a direct respect of a direct reflection of the level of respect that you have for your waiters. And, and typically, you know, your standard tip for a small party is 10 to 15%. I always tip at least 20%, unless there was something wrong. And depending on how they rectify the situation, but 20% is my sign of respect or better. So hopefully we’re setting a good example for you there. Do you think we are?

Speaker 6: 28:18 Yeah, I could definitely say I know like sometimes you would even start small conversations when they came over. At our, at the one place we at the one, Oh my God, what is it called? Restaurant? No, not the restaurant. It’s like the farmer’s market is that we ate there twice for two weeks on the same day and, well not the same day, but two different days during the two weeks. And we had the same waitress and you guys were definitely kind of talking with her and I know that you guys have started making me do math at the tip, even though I’m still struggling with that for some reason. That’s okay. You’ll get it. Yeah, I’ll get it eventually. So, yeah. I also know that we have a certain respect for the one waiter, Tony at Devin busters because we’ve gone there so many times. Yeah. Like we always asked for Tony cause we know, cause we’ve known him for so long.

Speaker 4: 29:28 Well and because Tony treats us with respect, you know, Tony treats us right. And that’s, that’s really important. So it also says to be conscious of criticizing your spouse, other children, family members or people your daughter knows in her presence as it communicates a lack of respect. Do mommy and daddy effectively accomplish that?

Speaker 6: 29:59 Well, I can definitely know that you two definitely treat each other with respect on occasions because you do occasionally have small fights over stupid stuff.

Speaker 4: 30:09 Well why don’t we, and I don’t really fight. We, we do play fight and that’s sort of an affectionate type of Ella kind of cats play funny.

Speaker 6: 30:18 Yeah. Yeah. But except there’s less violence.

Speaker 4: 30:21 Daddy starts hissing though. That’s when mommy backs off.

Speaker 6: 30:24 Yeah. I think that actually affected how I kinda have my friends because we kind of disagree on certain things, but we just always play fight

Speaker 4: 30:32 Right then. And that’s good. That’s a good relationship. Yeah. A call out disrespect when you see by saying immediately that was rude or that’s very disrespectful. And I try to do this because, you know, even I have this problem of trying to lighten the mood with some comedy here and there and from time to time. Yeah. And you know, even I in those instances can say things that might not be appropriate and sometimes they come across as rude, but when you do it, I do try to call you out on the car for and say, Hey, that was, that was rude, or you crossed the line, or you need to back up off me there. You know, something like that. Right.

Speaker 6: 31:24 Yeah. And I definitely think that’s rubbed off on me because,

Speaker 4: 31:30 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6: 31:34 Hm. Okay. So yeah. Any, sorry about that. I can definitely say that it’s definitely affected me because I do that to people whenever there’s, whenever people are rude to other people, like at my one table, whenever the one guy is sort of being a kid, sort of play fighting with the one girl on my table, I am always like, okay, that’s kinda rude. Right? Like I’ve gotten into the more I’ve gotten into, like I noticed when something is, when someone’s being disrespectful and I make sure to say, okay, that’s kind of rude. You might want to apologize.

Speaker 4: 32:14 So the one thing it does say here is, is ask you about the people that you admire in your life and why do you admire them?

Speaker 6: 32:24 Well I can definitely say add Moe, you and mommy. I admire my friends and mainly because you guys treat them with respect and I respect you guys equally.

Speaker 4: 32:34 Okay. The next thing it talks about is to be open to criticism when it’s respectful and try to respond positively. And this kind of is where we can cross the line sometimes where we try to guide you in the right direction. And sometimes that guidance appears to be criticism and it’s, eh, there’s a fine line between criticism and guidance, but as long as we’re doing it in a respectful way you kind of have to be open to that. I know nobody likes to be told window wrong or they’re doing something wrong or anything like that. But when someone’s doing that and saying that type of thing to you with a genuine interest in helping you to improve, that’s where you have to take it in a positive manner. Do you, how well do you take constructive,

Speaker 6: 33:31 I could definitely say I’d take it well as long as it’s in a real nice way, I can take it positively. But if it’s like not, I mean, if it’s not so nice or just average, I gonna overreact and want to completely fix my mistake as best I can.

Speaker 4: 33:52 So it sounds like that might be an area of potential improvement there. The last thing they talk about regarding this topic is admit your mistakes, apologize and correct them even when it’s embarrassing or it seems trivial. And what do I always say about mistakes?

Speaker 6: 34:12 You say they’re good as long as you learn from them.

Speaker 4: 34:14 Exactly. So being able to admit your mistakes is vitally important for respect. I’ll tell you the fastest way to lose respect is to calls a mistake and then try to either hide it or cover it up or blame it on someone else because as soon as the truth comes out, then not only did you make the mistake, did you not learn from it, you deliberately tried to cover it up. And that is a very quick way to squander that currency of respect from people. So when we come back we’ll take a quick look at ways for parents to build a culture of respect.

Speaker 5: 35:02 Okay.

Speaker 4: 35:07 So we go to psychology today.com for this set of suggestions. And the first thing they talk about is pretty simple. It’s encouragement instead of complaining when teens feel discouraged, let them know how much you admire their ability to overcome tough challenges and recover from apathy or failure. Do you think you get that level of support for mommy and daddy? Yeah,

Speaker 6: 35:33 I can definitely say whenever I tried to make any mistake whenever, well, I don’t try and make it sick. Sorry. Whenever I make a mistake or something bad was going on, you guys definitely show your level of respect towards me and you definitely support me in any way you can.

Speaker 4: 35:54 Grace and the way they define grace here is instead of blaming all we separate an adolescent from his or her behavior, forgive them from her steaks or misjudgments give them a chance to get it right. Do you think mommy and daddy do that with you where if you make a mistake and admit it, we, we kind of, we forgive you and we help you to make it right?

Speaker 6: 36:24 Yeah, I can definitely say I I admit my mistakes and I tried to fix them and you guys are definitely very understanding and will try to forgive me and make sure I can correct that mistake later on.

Speaker 4: 36:38 Guidance. Don’t just hope teens will find their way. Encourage them to ask questions and give them words of guidance. I think for the most part, this podcast is an example of the guidance that we give you. But outside of that, do you think that mommy and daddy provides you a sense of guidance?

Speaker 6: 36:57 Yeah. You guys definitely Lilly. Sorry about that.

Speaker 4: 37:02 We have to work on our guidance in speech therapy apparently though. Hey, the Hill. Anyhow, to answer the question please,

Speaker 6: 37:12 I’m answering it so don’t, don’t stall. Okay. Yes, I definitely think you to give me guidance. Especially when I need it. Good. How often do you think you need it? Whenever I have a problem, whenever I’ve been a mistake and I’m overreacting or whenever I have an emotional breakdown. Okay. Like gone. No, like on Wednesday when I literally an emotional breakdown cause I couldn’t make pasta,

Speaker 4: 37:40 You couldn’t get the stove started. Okay. We won’t get into that, into that high expectations. Rather than being discouraged when teens don’t show their best abilities and carriage them to envision and pursue goals that fuel their passion night. When we talked about this earlier with us challenging you I think really the issue with high expectations is you tend to have exceedingly high expectations for yourself. And I think you need to sort of ground those a little bit and be a little bit more realistic so you can be a little more forgiving on yourself.

Speaker 6: 38:17 I can definitely say I am not too realistic. I’m just like thinking of big things that I want to work up to. But I always have to know to set milestones

Speaker 4: 38:27 And I think that’s sort of where you hurt yourself on self-respect as you set those goals too high and when you miss them, you really are hard on yourself. Hope not a new hope that would be star Wars. Instead of helping teens get through their difficult another difficult day, help them envision a better tomorrow. And I like that idea. You know, we have to take the world one day at a time, but like you said, it’s important to have that end goal in mind and do it in stages. And I think you do a very good job of that. However, mommy and daddy and it helping you go down that path.

Speaker 6: 39:07 I definitely think you guys say like, even though I made a mistake or something bad happened today, you guys always say like, it’ll be better, it’ll be better tomorrow. And it’s a great big, beautiful day tolerant. It’s a great big, beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day. Very good. That’s from Disney. If none, no one knew that

Speaker 4: 39:29 From my favorite ride. The carousel of air conditioning, the carousel of progress. The next one is love, love, love will follow you on. Sorry. No don’t just speak to the minds of teenagers. Speak to their hearts, demonstrate how much you love and care for them every day. And I will say, and, and I, and I want to sort of take an aside here. We had a, we had an incident at work this week where one of our family members, one of our staff members at work unexpectedly and very tragically lost one of their children. So that kind of hit home for me this week in, in realizing how fragile, you know, our worlds can be and how quickly they can be shattered. And gave me an appreciation for what I have how lucky I am. And and for how much I love my family. And and I hope that love comes through every day for you. Not just in days where we’re faced with tragedies of our own or other people’s. Do you feel loved?

Speaker 6: 41:00 I can definitely say I do. And occasionally I might feel it a little too much. Like, like whenever, I remember the one time when you were ready for bacon night, well, bacon breakfast or something like that and you literally came in my room and just shook me, shock me, check on me and told me yet I’ve come on and I’m like, Oh

Speaker 4: 41:24 Yeah, fair warning. I, it’s probably going to happen tomorrow morning too, cause they’re going off.

Speaker 6: 41:28 No, not what I thought over doing it almost once a month. So it, I’m just getting all the months

Speaker 4: 41:34 That I’ve missed so far in, in, in line anyway. Moving right along. Relationship use words that build connection through the sharing of feelings help teens feel felt by you. That sounds kinda creepy, but okay. I’m not really sure what they mean by that. I’m just reading from the script here. So basically, you know, having that relationship with you. You know, you’re aware that that the relationship that I had with Sam has, eh, kind of distanced. I’m fortunate that he and I are working towards improving that again. But the damage that was done to that and the distance that he and I had was very traumatic for me. I had a very difficult time coming to terms with it. But, you know, fortunately I’m getting the chance to try to make amends with him at this point in time and I’m very grateful that he’s giving me that opportunity. But I don’t want that to happen between you and I. Again, it’s one of these, you know, preach practice what I preach. I want to learn from my mistakes. So I wanna make sure that we always have that relationship and I think we will. I think they think you are close enough with mommy and daddy that we’ll never, even when you go through those terrible teen years that you’re coming up too. I don’t think we’ll ever lose that relationship. And I hope we don’t.

Speaker 6: 43:17 Yeah, I don’t want really want to lose that relationship either because you two are some of the closest people in my lives and I really don’t want to end up like Sam basically distancing himself and eventually hating you.

Speaker 4: 43:31 Oh. And hopefully we can rectify all that in time. Time heals all wounds, or at least that’s what they tell me. Understanding instead of making assumptions, discover a young person’s perspective through empathy.

Speaker 4: 43:53 Do you think we empathize with you when you have these breakdowns and these issues that you run into going through your difficult teen years?

Speaker 6: 44:05 Yep. You guys definitely show empathy towards me whenever I’m feeling down or whenever I have a problem.

Speaker 4: 44:13 I have to be perfectly honest with you. For me, it’s very deep. It’s very difficult for me to, to put myself in your shoes because I’ve never gone through the types of things that you’re going through now with puberty and everything from that side of things. So a lot of that I kind of have to rely on mommy on and I think she does a fantastic job in guiding you through those different things. And you know, when I am kind of being not the best dad in the world she’s pretty good at smacking me in the head and putting me back on course and telling me that I need to lighten up. And Heather really respond to you. Yeah. So it’s a learning experience for me too. Unity they say shed the attitude of it’s my way or the highway and false or a culture of collaboration and cooperation. I don’t think we really, you know, put our foot down too much like that and say, do it because I said so do we.

Speaker 6: 45:26 No, you definitely aren’t that strict. And I’m definitely thankful that you aren’t because at that point I really don’t feel like I’m respected because I feel like I’m more being told to do something at K a forced to do something. And if I’m forced to do something and you guys don’t actually show some compassion and like tell me I can do something when I’m okay to do it. Then like I don’t really feel respected too much.

Speaker 4: 45:54 Well, and one of the things that, that we try to do is if we, if we want you to do something, we try to explain to you why, because I think understanding why rather than do it, cause I said so was, is important. And yeah, instilling that knowledge in you is, is another way of showing you how much we respect you. And the last thing that they talk about here is very important for respect. And that’s accountability. Being respectful means holding everyone accountable instead of allowing disrespectful behavior. Help young people stay on track. And I think this, we’ve talked about this, we haven’t really used this terminology, but you know, I think accountability is probably the most important aspect of respect because if you’re not accountable for your actions and in a situation where you’re responsible for others, like for instance, I have a staff of five people that report to me, I’m responsible for their actions too. So if they do something that is inappropriate or against company policies or something like that, then there’s a certain burden of responsibility that I have to bear for that because I’m the one that’s supposed to be leading them and guiding that. And, and that’s part of one of the things that we had talked about during leadership is being accountable for those under you. Do you think mommy and daddy holds you accountable for your actions?

Speaker 6: 47:30 I think you guys definitely mentioned that I’m, that I’m accountable for my actions, but I’m pretty sure I can learn that I am accountable for my own actions. Like I definitely say like, okay, I did this, or okay, I’m sorry I did this, or something like that.

Speaker 4: 47:46 Right. Well, that’s one, the one example, I’ll let me throw another example out there. Laundry misses you.

Speaker 6: 47:56 We, y’all are going to go with that.

Speaker 4: 47:58 Yeah. Why not? I had to throw it out there. So, but you are, I mean for the most part, you’re very accountable. You don’t blame others. You don’t make excuses if you don’t do something, you’re honest about it. And you know, if, if you don’t fulfill your responsibilities, the least you could do is be honest about why and don’t make up some story. Yeah. So, and that’s, that’s big. And that earns a lot of respect for mommy and daddy. So that was all that I had on the topic today. We’ll come back, we’ll get your closing remarks and your shout outs. Go for closing remarks.

Speaker 6: 48:40 Alrighty. So for those of you in the audience who are watching let me just say restraint. Great. Now I have to get a speech therapy one to pause. Try that one more time. Alright. So for those of you in the audience who are watching, hello I just wanted to start off by saying respect ism important respect. Makes you vow, makes you feel valued and can help you become a better person. If you aren’t respected very well by your peers, you need to at least try to understand why and how you can fix it. And if you can try and fix it, then I think you can definitely become a better person in any way you really can.

Speaker 4: 49:32 And I think that’s a very good thought to leave us with. Did you have any shout outs this week?

Speaker 6: 49:41 I actually have two different shout outs. Okay. So first off is the shout out to you and mommy because you’ve taught me how to be respectful and have basically helped shape me into the person I am. Okay. And I also wanted to give a shout out to I want and commentator who was watching the podcasts while we were recording

Speaker 4: 50:06 That was bombing by the way. Oh yeah. Wow. Look at that. Mommy gets a double shout out boy

Speaker 6: 50:12 Who out lobby, huh?

Speaker 4: 50:14 Yeah. Yay mommy. And just in closing, I did want to say that respect. It’s not just an Aretha Franklin song.

Speaker 6: 50:24 Oh my God. Really? That’s where you’re going to leave us with.

Speaker 4: 50:29 I had to, well, actually we’ll leave you with our contact information as usual. So you can we love to hear your comments. We’d love to include them on the show. Please feel free to email us@commentsandinsightsintothings.com dot com you can reach us on the web@wwwdotinsightsintothings.com. Can they get us on YouTube?

Speaker 6: 50:57 Ah, yeah. She can get us on youtube@youtubedotinsightsintoteens.com youtube.com/blog I am not good at this unless you give me like a paper and a read off. I won’t get this. I will not get this.

Speaker 4: 51:14 You can reach as you can get our audio versions@podcaststhatinsightsintoteensdotcomoryoucangetusonfacebookatfacebook.com slash insights into things podcast. I think that’s all the big ones there. And I think that’s it for us this week. That’s another one in the book.

Speaker 6: 51:35 Hello. Bye everyone. Bye.

Show Notes

• Introductions
  • Insights Into Teens: Episode 42 “Respect”
  • My intelligent and compassionate co-host Madison Whalen
     
• What is Respect
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Respect
  • http://bit.ly/378SfzE
    • Respect, also called esteem, is a positive feeling or action shown towards someone or something considered important, or held in high esteem or regard. It conveys a sense of admiration for good or valuable qualities. And it is also the process of honoring someone by exhibiting care, concern, or consideration for their needs or feelings.
       
• Why is Respect Important
  • https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/research-round-what-respect-means-teens
  • http://bit.ly/2piPU3U
    • The need to be valued by others is universal
    • While demonstrated differently in different cultures, it is a fundamental human need, and it is required to establish a secure sense of self.
    • It is the fuel that feeds our drive to find a sense of purpose in our lives and to form attachments and connections with others.
    • Without expressions of respect, we cannot know the value in ourselves or the value in others.
    • Respect is a basic and intuitive desire, and so critical for positive outcomes in our work
    • Researchers who have studied respect have found that not only do teens very clearly know when they are or are not being respected, but their behavior is shaped by these experiences.
    • For many teens, respect is a powerful determinant for whether they will engage in productive behaviors or destructive behaviors.
    • Even more critically, respect has been found to be a mechanism that supports the development of a strong moral core.
    • Teens often reported that feeling valued or respected came from being challenged or pushed beyond their comfort zone.
    • Being pushed by an adult conveyed a message to teens about the adult’s belief in their capabilities.
    • Teens also expressed feeling respected when adults paid attention to them by listening and responding without judgment, and accepting their beliefs and values even if those beliefs and values were different from the adults’ own.
    • Additionally, when adults were responsive to their intellectual, physical, social, and emotional needs, teens sensed a genuine concern for their welfare, which made them feel valued.
       
• Ways to Show & Model Respect
  • https://www.havenwoodacademy.org/teen-respect-is-it-expected-or-earned/
  • http://bit.ly/2CPxnj4
    • Verbally acknowledge feelings
    • Ask for their preferences, give choices as often as possible (“Would you like to do the dishes now or before you go to bed?”)
    • Refrain from shouting or yelling back
    • Give them space & time to cool down when they’re upset
    • Treat waiters, cashiers, and other service employees with kindness and respect to communicate to your teen that respect is for everyone and that each person has feelings and value.
    • Be conscious of criticizing your spouse, other children, family members, or people your daughter knows in her presence, as it communicates a lack of respect
    • Call out disrespect when you see it by saying immediately “That was rude.” or “That’s very disrespectful.”
    • Ask your daughter about the people she admires in her life and why.
    • Be open to criticism (when respectful) and try to respond positively
    • Admit your mistakes, apologize, and correct them – even when it’s embarrassing or seems trivial
• Ways for parents to build a culture of Respect
  • https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-moment-youth/201402/the-language-respect
  • http://bit.ly/2qVX9zr
    • Encouragement:
      • Instead of complaining when teens feel discouraged, let them know how much you admire their ability to overcome tough challenges and recover from apathy or failure. “I know things can be difficult, but I really admire how you reach deeply into yourself to find the right answers. I want you to know I’m always here for you.”
         
    • Grace:
      • Instead of blaming, always separate an adolescent from his or her behavior. Forgive them for mistakes or misjudgments. Give them a chance to get it right. “You are not the same as your mistake. I know you to be a kind, caring human being. I forgive you and I’m here to help you learn from this setback.”
         
    • Guidance:
      • Don’t just hope teens will find their ways. Encourage them to ask questions and give them words of guidance. “Your questions help me know and understand you better. Please never think you have a dumb question. I want to help whenever I’m able.”
         
    • Respect:
      • Rather than a narrow focus on academic successes, build a climate of respect in your classroom and family. “While I care about your grades and other external measures of success, it’s also important to have a climate of mutual respect here. I plan to work hard to see that each of our opinions, thoughts, and feelings are respected.”
         
    • High Expectations:
      • Rather than being discouraged when teens don’t show their best abilities, encourage them to envision and pursue goals that fuel their passion. “I want you to achieve your potential, in whatever way you choose. What goals do you most want to achieve?”
         
    • Hope:
      • Instead of helping teens get through another difficult day, help them envision a better tomorrow. “You have such a kind heart and helpful way with people. Those abilities will see you through many of life’s challenges.”
         
    • Love:
      • Don’t just speak to the minds of teenagers. Speak to their hearts. Demonstrate how much you love and care for them every day. (Check out 50 Everyday Ways to Love Your Teen!)
         
    • Relationship:
      • Use words that build connection through the sharing of feelings. Help teens “feel felt” by you. “I want to know and understand how you feel. Can you tell me?”
         
    • Understanding:
      • Instead of making assumptions, discover a young person’s perspective through empathy. “I want to understand your perspective. Please tell me what you think and what led you to that conclusion.”
         
    • Unity: 
      • Shed the attitude of “it’s my way or the highway,” and foster a culture of collaboration and cooperation. “I’m your parent (or teacher), but that doesn’t mean I have all the answers. I respect your role as part of this family (or classroom).”
         
    • Accountability:
      • Being respectful means holding everyone accountable. Instead of allowing disrespectful behavior, help young people stay on track. “How you just behaved was unkind and disrespectful. How could you have handled that differently?”
         
• Closing remarks and shoutouts