Insights Into Teens: Episode 127 ”Teens and Perfectionism”

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[INTRODUCTIONS]
Insights Into Teens: Episode 127 “Teens and Perfectionism”
My talented and dedicated co-host Madison Whalen

Summary
This week we’re talking about perfectionism and the malicious cycle it can lead us into. We’ll talk about how we determine if someone is a perfectionist and the signs to look for. We then evaluate the causes of perfectionism and some of the negative consequences of it. And finally we’ll look at how to address perfectionism and what parents can do to help.
[Show Plugs]

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[TRANSITION]

[SEGMENT 1]

Is your teen a perfectionist?
https://www.psycom.net/perfectionism-teen-anxiety/
https://bit.ly/3p3ZDHV
It’s perfectly reasonable for teenagers to have high standards and to work hard to meet their personal goals.
Disciplined behavior can cross the line to perfectionism, however, when it interferes with social, emotional, and/or occupational functioning.
The idea of being perfect can actually preclude teens from reaching their goals because it affects their learning process, both in class and on the field.

Here are some common symptoms of perfectionism in teens:
Dissatisfied with a standard of work others view as acceptable (even exceptional)

Procrastinates until 100% sure of what to do or how to earn a high grade on the assignment

Avoids answering questions in class for fear of being wrong

They are Risk averse, they avoid taking any risks

Avoids starting tasks for fear that they will not do them “right” or “well”

Gets very upset when grades are lower than anticipated

Struggles to cope with mistakes

Takes criticism personally

Works slowly to avoid mistakes

Fixates on neatness and appearance of work

Starts over repeatedly to “get it right.”

Causes of perfectionism
http://teentherapycentersv.org/2017/11/28/the-what-why-and-how-of-perfectionism/
https://bit.ly/3aBW0AH
A person does not become a perfectionist overnight.
Perfectionistic tendencies tend to sprout earlier in life.
Those with these tendencies start to correlate the approval of others to their own accomplishments
This results in drawing his or her own value based solely on the acknowledgement of others.
Thus, their self-esteem starts to be based largely on external standards.
This leaves perfectionists vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others.
In an attempt to protect themselves from such disapproval, they may decide that being perfect is their only defense.

Several of the following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:

Fear of failure
Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.

Fear of making mistakes
Perfectionists regularly equate mistakes with failure.
In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.

Fear of disapproval
Perfectionists often fear that if they let others see their flaws, they will no longer be accepted.

All-or-nothing thinking
Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect.

Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with minimal effort, few errors, little emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence.
At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.
Anxiety, insecurity, and fear of disapproval may all lead to perfectionist behavior.

[AD1: SSE]

[SEGMENT 2]

Malicious cycle of perfectionism
Perfectionistic attitudes set in motion a malicious cycle.
First, perfectionists set unreachable goals.
Second, they fail to meet these goals because the goals were impossible to begin with.
Third, the constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce productivity and effectiveness.
Fourth, this cycle leads perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming, which results in lower self-esteem.

It may also lead to anxiety and depression.
Now, perfectionists may give up completely on their goals and set different goals thinking, “this time if only I try harder, I will succeed.”
Such thinking sets the entire cycle in motion again.

Perfectionism is fueled by, and fuels, anxiety
From the outside, it may look like your teen is lazy or un-resilient, lacks a work ethic, or simply doesn’t care; but on the inside, a teen struggling with perfectionism may be fighting a daily battle against nerves, anxiety, and an intense fear of failure.
The most important thing to remember is that perfectionistic teens are actually worried kids.
Anxious thoughts are driving their perfectionistic behaviors, and when results fall short of expectations, they experience even greater anxiety.
It can be a difficult cycle to break.

Consider the role of external factors
It’s no secret that teens are under increased pressure today.
The expectation to succeed, both in academics and in extracurricular activities, puts an enormous amount of stress on them.
Surrounded by constant evaluation and aware of the value society places on high achievers, teens often have no choice but to be driven by perfection—often to the detriment of the learning process.
When teens strive to achieve, they are invested in the learning process.
When teens strive for perfection, they become paralyzed by the fear of not measuring up in some way.

Perfectionism comes with stiff consequences:
Low achievement
Inability to focus on and finish tasks
Anxiety disorders
Feelings of helplessness
Depression
Social isolation.

[AD2: ENTERTAINMENT]

[SEGMENT 3]

What to do about perfectionism
The first step in changing from a perfectionist attitude to a healthy mentality is to realize that perfectionism is undesirable.
Perfection is an illusion that is unattainable.
The next step is to challenge the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that fuel perfectionism.
Some of the following strategies may help:

Setting realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs and what you have accomplished in the past.
This will enable you to achieve and will lead to a greater sense of self-esteem.

Set successive goals.
As you reach a goal, set your next goal one level beyond your present level of accomplishment.

Experiment with your standards for success.
Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try for 90 percent, 80 percent, or even 60 percent success.
This will help you to realize that the world does not end when you are not perfect.

Focus on the process, not just on the result.
Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task.
Recognize that there can be value in the process of pursuing a goal.

Ask yourself the hard questions.
Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself, “What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?”

Mistakes are opportunities for experience.
Recognize that many positive things can only be learned by making mistakes.
When you make a mistake, ask yourself, “What can I learn from this experience?”
More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.

Avoid all-or-nothing thinking in relation to your goals.
Learn to differentiate the tasks you want to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to you.

How can parents support their perfectionistic children and teens?
It can seem daunting to want to help your child yet not know where to start.
Here a few things you can do to help your child make their perfectionism more manageable.

Educate your child about perfectionism.
Talk to your child about perfectionism.
Help him or her understand that perfectionism makes us overly critical of ourselves and others.
This may make us unhappy and anxious about trying new things.
Perfectionism makes it difficult to finish tasks, and can be frustrating for everyone in the family.
For younger children, you may not want to label it as “perfectionism,” but instead make up your own name for it.
For teens, call it “perfectionism” in case they want to find out more about it on their own.

Teach positive statements.
Perfectionistic children and teenagers often have rigid “black-and-white” thinking.
Things are either right or wrong, good or bad, perfect or a failure.
Help your child see the gray areas in-between.
Encourage your child to replace self-critical or perfectionistic thoughts with more positive, helpful statements.
Have your child say these statements to him or herself whenever he or she starts to be self-critical or upset about not doing something perfectly.
Suggest writing these statements down somewhere handy (on the home screen of their phone, a post-it, etc.)
Even if he or she doesn’t believe these statements right away, enough repetition will turn positive thoughts into a habit, and help quiet the negative self-talk.

Help your child gain perspective.
Perfectionistic children and teens tend to “catastrophize.”
Mistakes or imperfections are seen as more terrible than they really are.
They focus on the possible negative consequences of failure.
In most cases, these feared consequences are unlikely and much more drastic than the reality.
Understandably, catastrophizing increases anxiety and interferes with performance.
Help your child recognize that one mistake does not equal failure, and that one bad performance does not mean that he or she is worthless.

Praise effort.
It is important to praise effort regardless of whether or not your child was successful.
This is especially true for a perfectionistic child or teen.
Instead of praising the achievement, praise the effort and quality of character that was shown.
Also, praise skills that are not directly related to achievement (sharing with others, remembering something important, playing well, or congratulating a winner).

Create realistic schedules.
Help your child by breaking down larger tasks into manageable steps.
On a chart or calendar, write down the goal or deadline and work backwards, setting mini-goals along the way.
Build in rewards for reaching these steps.
Also, encourage him or her to decide in advance how much time to spend on a task.
Remember, the goal is to complete the task, not to make it perfect.

Set priorities.
Perfectionists sometimes have trouble deciding on what to devote their energy and effort to.
Encourage your child to prioritize by deciding which activities deserve maximum energy and which require less.
Let him or her know it’s okay not to give 100% to every task or activity.

Gain balance.
Perfectionists tend to lead narrow lives because it’s very difficult to be very good at a lot of things.
The goal should be to NOT invest more effort than is necessary to do a “good enough” job.
Reassure your child that it is good to take breaks and take the time to do things they enjoy.
This will allow more time to enjoy with friends, and on other activities and hobbies.

There is nothing wrong with setting high standards, but they need to be reachable with effort.
It’s all about being OK; human not super-human; among the best, if not the best.
Perfectionism can be a curse, and perfectionists can carry criticism both of themselves and others.
By setting standards at the wrong level, they are condemned never to achieve them.

[TRANSITION]

[CLOSE]
Closing thoughts shoutouts
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[OUTRO AND CREDITS]

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insightful podcasts

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a podcast network

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[Music]

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welcome to insights into teens this is

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episode 127

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teens and perfectionism i’m your host

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joseph whalen and my talented and

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dedicated and somewhat

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limping co-host madison whalen

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hi everyone how you doing today maddie

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limping limping indeed what is wrong why

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are you limping um

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i had a bit of an incident yesterday at

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practice yes

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full contact marching band this week

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i mean it was even bef it was before we

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actually started so you learned to

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tackle the pavement right yeah

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so you had a you had a spill during

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warm-ups

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you scraped up both your knees one of

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them’s uh banged up pretty bad and and

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bruised we had to go get x-rays today

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and stuff but

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fortunately knock on wood you didn’t

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have any breaks or tears or anything

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serious

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yeah so you should be back on your feet

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normally in about a week

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um but uh in the meantime we’ve got you

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here for the podcast yep so we’re

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talking perfectionism today

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and the malicious cycle that it can lead

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us into we’ll talk about how we

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determine if someone is a perfectionist

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and the signs to look for

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will then evaluate the causes of

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perfectionism and some of the negative

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consequences of it

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and finally we’ll look at how to address

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perfectionism and what parents can do to

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help

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but before we do that i would um invite

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folks our

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ready to get started sure all right

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[Music]

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so is your teen a perfectionist now of

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course i’m going to ask you that after i

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read my part here but but let me read my

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part first okay

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so this comes to us from a website

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called cycom.net sounds like a

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government conspiracy site or something

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they say it’s perfectly reasonable for

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teenagers to have high standards and to

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work hard to meet their personal goals

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disciplined behavior can cross the line

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to perfectionism however when it

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interferes with social emotional or

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occupational functioning

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the idea of being perfect can actually

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preclude teens from reaching their goals

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because it affects their learning

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process both in class and on the field

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here are some common symptoms of

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perfectionism in teens

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they become dissatisfied with the

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standard of work others view as

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acceptable or even exceptional

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they procrastinate until 100 sure of

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what to do

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or how to earn a high grade on their

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assignment

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they avoid answering questions in class

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for fear of being wrong

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they’re very risk-averse

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avoiding taking any risks at all at

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times

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they avoid starting tasks for fear that

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they’ll not be able to do them right or

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well to their own standards

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they often get very upset when grades

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are lower than anticipated

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they struggle to cope with mistakes

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they don’t take criticism very well they

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take it personally

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they work slowly to avoid mistakes that

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sometimes they fixate on neatness and

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appearance of work

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and finally they start over repeatedly

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to get it right

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so before we move on with

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some of the causes let’s let’s kind of

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focus on these a second so

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my first question to you is do you think

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you’re a perfectionist

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i’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned this on

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the podcast multiple times but yeah i’m

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pretty sure i’m a perfectionist and why

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do you think that

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uh

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i don’t know i’ve just like had a lot of

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moments where like i’ve

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not been happy with work that you guys

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have been happy with i’m overly critical

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about myself

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i think i kind of fit the textbook

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definition of what a perfectionist is

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for the most part so let’s go down the

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list real quick here and and pick out a

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few of these and see

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uh you kind of touched on the first one

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here you’re dissatisfied with a standard

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of work that others view as acceptable

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or exceptional

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and you’ve pointed out the fact that

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mommy and i have thought the stuff that

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you’ve done you know you had a situation

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where you had a quiz recently

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and you scored

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the

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94 or something on it it was still an a

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it was a low a but it was still an a

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which for our perspective is perfectly

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fine but you were dissatisfied with that

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how why were you dissatisfied and how do

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you reconcile that

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uh

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i’m i don’t

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like i guess i was mainly dissatisfied

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because i felt like when i learned the

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answer to the question i got wrong i’m

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like

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man i really should have gotten that

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right like i kind of felt as though i

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should have gotten that right and my

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brain kind of makes me feel like i

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should have gotten that right and thus

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criticizes me for it well and and i can

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understand that there are times that

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that i make

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seemingly silly mistakes that i just i

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should know the answer or i should know

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how to do something and

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i’m distracted i’m not really thinking

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clearly that day or something like that

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and i make a mistake

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we all make mistakes

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so

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being overly critical of yourself for

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that is is probably not the best thing

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but one of the things that we kind of

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try to

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strive for here

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is it’s not about

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being perfect in what you do

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it’s about accomplishing what you need

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to do

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but in learning in the process

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you know one of the things that i’m fond

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of saying and i’ve mentioned it several

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times on the podcast

0:07:46.720,0:07:50.879
is you learn more from your mistakes

0:07:48.319,0:07:52.400
than you do your successes

0:07:50.879,0:07:54.319
so

0:07:52.400,0:07:56.080
beyond that

0:07:54.319,0:07:57.759
do you exhibit any of these other

0:07:56.080,0:07:59.599
characteristics like for instance do you

0:07:57.759,0:08:01.360
find that you avoid answering questions

0:07:59.599,0:08:03.680
in class because you’re afraid that

0:08:01.360,0:08:06.160
you’re going to have the wrong answer

0:08:03.680,0:08:07.440
yeah that happens a lot

0:08:06.160,0:08:08.800
and what happens you’ve got the wrong

0:08:07.440,0:08:12.080
answer

0:08:08.800,0:08:14.080
um well

0:08:12.080,0:08:17.039
they kind of like move they try moving

0:08:14.080,0:08:19.280
on being like okay well i like your

0:08:17.039,0:08:21.680
perspective but

0:08:19.280,0:08:24.080
and like at that point i still realize i

0:08:21.680,0:08:26.400
got it wrong so but they kind of move

0:08:24.080,0:08:28.800
past that and don’t try to like

0:08:26.400,0:08:30.160
put too much like attention to it right

0:08:28.800,0:08:31.840
so they’re not going to brow beat you

0:08:30.160,0:08:33.440
over it yeah

0:08:31.840,0:08:36.080
how about coping with mistakes how do

0:08:33.440,0:08:36.080
you deal with that

0:08:37.799,0:08:42.719
[Music]

0:08:39.279,0:08:43.839
not mm-hmm well as i’d probably hope

0:08:42.719,0:08:45.519
okay

0:08:43.839,0:08:47.519
how about

0:08:45.519,0:08:50.720
uh taking criticism do you take

0:08:47.519,0:08:53.440
criticism uh overly personal

0:08:50.720,0:08:56.160
i try not to in a lot of cases uh your

0:08:53.440,0:08:57.600
criticism i definitely try not to take

0:08:56.160,0:08:58.800
too personal

0:08:57.600,0:09:00.800
um

0:08:58.800,0:09:03.440
for the most part i don’t really try

0:09:00.800,0:09:04.480
taking too much criticism personally

0:09:03.440,0:09:06.560
it’s just

0:09:04.480,0:09:08.080
there’s one specific example where like

0:09:06.560,0:09:09.519
it’s kind of hard not to take it

0:09:08.080,0:09:11.440
personally and that’s probably with

0:09:09.519,0:09:14.959
marching band because a lot of times

0:09:11.440,0:09:17.040
like when you make mistakes um well

0:09:14.959,0:09:18.640
uh like i’m like i’m doing right now i’m

0:09:17.040,0:09:21.120
trying to fix this camera angle so we

0:09:18.640,0:09:22.720
get the lights out of the camera shot

0:09:21.120,0:09:24.080
anyway but we’re not gonna we’re not

0:09:22.720,0:09:25.760
gonna draw too much attention to the

0:09:24.080,0:09:28.320
head yeah

0:09:25.760,0:09:29.839
anyway so yeah basically

0:09:28.320,0:09:32.320
that’s like the only time where it’s

0:09:29.839,0:09:33.600
kind of hard not to take it personally

0:09:32.320,0:09:35.600
because

0:09:33.600,0:09:37.600
as like

0:09:35.600,0:09:39.680
because um

0:09:37.600,0:09:41.760
they’re kind of constantly like saying

0:09:39.680,0:09:44.240
it to you and they say it in a tone that

0:09:41.760,0:09:46.959
makes you feel like okay i’m screwing up

0:09:44.240,0:09:48.560
i don’t like but do they single you out

0:09:46.959,0:09:51.040
individually are they doing it to

0:09:48.560,0:09:52.399
everyone i mean they do it to everyone

0:09:51.040,0:09:54.880
but like there are certain things they

0:09:52.399,0:09:56.399
single us out on but otherwise we all

0:09:54.880,0:09:58.800
kind of have

0:09:56.399,0:10:00.399
we’re all kind of like that well and and

0:09:58.800,0:10:01.839
i could understand in that situation

0:10:00.399,0:10:03.600
because it’s

0:10:01.839,0:10:06.959
there’s a synchronization that has to

0:10:03.600,0:10:08.880
happen right yeah it’s not about you’ve

0:10:06.959,0:10:10.240
got 20 kids in a class and they’re all

0:10:08.880,0:10:11.440
doing their assignments differently and

0:10:10.240,0:10:13.680
they raise their hand to answer

0:10:11.440,0:10:15.600
questions on the assignment

0:10:13.680,0:10:18.560
if you’ve got 20 kids and those 20 kids

0:10:15.600,0:10:21.200
all have to move in sync together and

0:10:18.560,0:10:22.880
one person is out of sync

0:10:21.200,0:10:25.200
you can’t

0:10:22.880,0:10:26.640
single you can’t not single them out for

0:10:25.200,0:10:28.560
it yeah

0:10:26.640,0:10:30.959
like i’m the type of person from a

0:10:28.560,0:10:32.399
manager standpoint that

0:10:30.959,0:10:34.320
when

0:10:32.399,0:10:35.839
something happens at work when somebody

0:10:34.320,0:10:38.240
does something they shouldn’t do for

0:10:35.839,0:10:38.240
instance

0:10:38.320,0:10:42.480
you gotta lying under the table or

0:10:40.240,0:10:44.640
something no no

0:10:42.480,0:10:47.760
uh like for instance if somebody sends

0:10:44.640,0:10:49.440
an email that

0:10:47.760,0:10:51.519
they shouldn’t send you know it’s

0:10:49.440,0:10:53.680
unprofessional or a personal email and

0:10:51.519,0:10:55.040
they send it out and they use the system

0:10:53.680,0:10:56.160
incorrectly

0:10:55.040,0:10:58.959
instead of

0:10:56.160,0:11:02.079
targeting that specific person i’ll send

0:10:58.959,0:11:04.560
a general email out kind of reminding

0:11:02.079,0:11:06.959
people what the policy is

0:11:04.560,0:11:09.600
and i find that

0:11:06.959,0:11:12.560
probably 70 percent of the time

0:11:09.600,0:11:14.560
the person the offending person sees

0:11:12.560,0:11:16.480
that understands what they did and they

0:11:14.560,0:11:18.320
correct their action

0:11:16.480,0:11:20.480
but there’s that 30 percent of the time

0:11:18.320,0:11:23.760
that they don’t and then you have to

0:11:20.480,0:11:26.560
kind of go and address them directly

0:11:23.760,0:11:29.279
but but when i do that i try to do it

0:11:26.560,0:11:30.880
one-on-one i try not to like have a

0:11:29.279,0:11:33.040
company meeting and then point the

0:11:30.880,0:11:34.640
finger at someone in the company meeting

0:11:33.040,0:11:36.320
with marching band that’s different

0:11:34.640,0:11:38.320
because everybody is really trying to do

0:11:36.320,0:11:40.560
the same thing and work together as a

0:11:38.320,0:11:43.040
team yeah so i could see how there would

0:11:40.560,0:11:44.800
be difficulties with that

0:11:43.040,0:11:47.839
what about

0:11:44.800,0:11:49.760
uh working slowly to avoid mistakes or

0:11:47.839,0:11:51.120
to starting over again if you think you

0:11:49.760,0:11:53.279
didn’t do it right

0:11:51.120,0:11:55.200
do you find that your your

0:11:53.279,0:11:56.639
performance the time it takes for you to

0:11:55.200,0:11:59.360
do something

0:11:56.639,0:12:01.519
is impacted because you’re working

0:11:59.360,0:12:03.200
slower or starting over

0:12:01.519,0:12:05.360
um

0:12:03.200,0:12:08.079
probably has to do that can probably

0:12:05.360,0:12:10.880
kind of be part of what i do with my art

0:12:08.079,0:12:12.560
because a lot of times um especially

0:12:10.880,0:12:15.040
when i’m trying something new with my

0:12:12.560,0:12:17.519
art it takes me a lot more time to kind

0:12:15.040,0:12:19.519
of get used to it and i actually kind of

0:12:17.519,0:12:22.160
procrastinate on it because i’m like

0:12:19.519,0:12:24.480
okay i have no idea how to draw this

0:12:22.160,0:12:26.959
maybe i’ll just wait it out and see and

0:12:24.480,0:12:29.360
like it doesn’t get done for a while and

0:12:26.959,0:12:31.200
then when i finally do try and do it it

0:12:29.360,0:12:32.560
takes me a lot of time because i still

0:12:31.200,0:12:34.240
have to figure it out because i still

0:12:32.560,0:12:36.720
haven’t figured it out because i didn’t

0:12:34.240,0:12:37.440
actually try right

0:12:36.720,0:12:39.120
and

0:12:37.440,0:12:40.880
honestly you know we’ve talked about

0:12:39.120,0:12:42.720
this numerous times in the past i do

0:12:40.880,0:12:44.720
think you exhibit a number of

0:12:42.720,0:12:47.839
perfectionist traits

0:12:44.720,0:12:49.519
uh your results tend to be

0:12:47.839,0:12:52.399
along those lines i mean you have

0:12:49.519,0:12:53.279
straight ace you’re fairly successful at

0:12:52.399,0:12:55.360
being

0:12:53.279,0:12:56.160
a perfectionist

0:12:55.360,0:12:58.160
but

0:12:56.160,0:13:00.399
as you get further along in your

0:12:58.160,0:13:01.360
academic and your even your professional

0:13:00.399,0:13:02.880
career

0:13:01.360,0:13:05.360
it’s going to become

0:13:02.880,0:13:07.200
progressively more difficult to achieve

0:13:05.360,0:13:08.480
those high standards that you set for

0:13:07.200,0:13:10.000
yourself

0:13:08.480,0:13:11.920
so it’s one of those things that i think

0:13:10.000,0:13:14.320
we kind of have to address now we have

0:13:11.920,0:13:15.920
to solve some of those things now

0:13:14.320,0:13:17.600
and there’s a lot of kids out there a

0:13:15.920,0:13:19.600
lot of overachievers out there there’s a

0:13:17.600,0:13:22.079
lot of pressure on kids

0:13:19.600,0:13:24.800
especially around your age to

0:13:22.079,0:13:26.240
achieve a lot now do a lot get a lot

0:13:24.800,0:13:27.519
under your belt

0:13:26.240,0:13:29.279
because

0:13:27.519,0:13:31.200
colleges are looking for a lot of those

0:13:29.279,0:13:34.480
things a lot of sports and

0:13:31.200,0:13:37.680
extracurricular activity and social

0:13:34.480,0:13:39.600
things and and charities you know a lot

0:13:37.680,0:13:42.240
of kids are trying to get all this stuff

0:13:39.600,0:13:44.639
in all the extra classes

0:13:42.240,0:13:46.880
the advanced classes and there’s a lot

0:13:44.639,0:13:49.279
of pressure that

0:13:46.880,0:13:50.800
colleges and the schools

0:13:49.279,0:13:53.199
and the coaches

0:13:50.800,0:13:55.600
and the parents put on these kids

0:13:53.199,0:13:57.120
and then these that kind of pushes kids

0:13:55.600,0:13:58.399
into that perfectionist mode and they

0:13:57.120,0:13:59.680
start putting that pressure on

0:13:58.399,0:14:01.760
themselves

0:13:59.680,0:14:04.240
but it very quickly escalates to an

0:14:01.760,0:14:05.199
unrealistic level

0:14:04.240,0:14:06.800
so

0:14:05.199,0:14:08.959
let’s take a look at some of the things

0:14:06.800,0:14:11.920
that are causes of perfection why why

0:14:08.959,0:14:14.079
don’t you tell us about those okay so

0:14:11.920,0:14:16.880
uh this part of the

0:14:14.079,0:14:20.720
segment comes from a website called teen

0:14:16.880,0:14:22.399
therapy center dot org

0:14:20.720,0:14:24.199
so a person does not become a

0:14:22.399,0:14:26.480
perfectionist overnight

0:14:24.199,0:14:28.800
perfectionistic tendencies tend to

0:14:26.480,0:14:31.040
sprout earlier in life

0:14:28.800,0:14:33.040
those with these tendencies start to

0:14:31.040,0:14:35.040
correlate the approval of others to

0:14:33.040,0:14:37.279
their own accomplishments

0:14:35.040,0:14:39.040
this results in drawing his or her own

0:14:37.279,0:14:41.440
value based solely on the

0:14:39.040,0:14:43.600
acknowledgement of others

0:14:41.440,0:14:46.720
thus their self-esteem starts to be

0:14:43.600,0:14:49.839
based largely on external standards

0:14:46.720,0:14:52.240
this leaves perfectionists vulnerable

0:14:49.839,0:14:55.199
and excessively sensitive to the

0:14:52.240,0:14:57.199
opinions and criticism of others

0:14:55.199,0:14:59.839
in an attempt to protect themselves from

0:14:57.199,0:15:02.560
such disapproval they may decide that

0:14:59.839,0:15:04.880
being perfect is their only defense let

0:15:02.560,0:15:06.000
me pause you there for a second and ask

0:15:04.880,0:15:07.680
you

0:15:06.000,0:15:10.639
do you feel

0:15:07.680,0:15:12.480
that you tie your own self-esteem and

0:15:10.639,0:15:16.000
your own self-worth

0:15:12.480,0:15:18.320
to some of these external standards

0:15:16.000,0:15:18.320
um

0:15:18.639,0:15:21.120
i mean

0:15:21.839,0:15:28.160
sometimes cause i do want people to

0:15:25.680,0:15:31.360
you know still like me and think that

0:15:28.160,0:15:34.800
i’m a decent person to be around

0:15:31.360,0:15:37.759
um so in some cases i do kind of feel

0:15:34.800,0:15:40.240
that i would like kind of

0:15:37.759,0:15:42.079
worry about the opinion of others to my

0:15:40.240,0:15:44.480
own self-worth kind of

0:15:42.079,0:15:47.120
another example of marching band is just

0:15:44.480,0:15:49.199
like hey i feel like i really need to do

0:15:47.120,0:15:50.160
good to impress all these people and to

0:15:49.199,0:15:52.560
impress

0:15:50.160,0:15:54.800
all these all the judges and to make

0:15:52.560,0:15:56.240
sure that um we’re all doing good and

0:15:54.800,0:15:58.079
everything like that

0:15:56.240,0:16:00.079
and and that makes sense i mean you’re

0:15:58.079,0:16:02.480
literally doing an extracurricular

0:16:00.079,0:16:04.800
activity that you’re judged on

0:16:02.480,0:16:07.120
so there is a certain expectation there

0:16:04.800,0:16:09.199
but do you find that you get

0:16:07.120,0:16:11.839
an excessive amount of criticism for

0:16:09.199,0:16:14.160
your performances in marching band

0:16:11.839,0:16:17.680
i mean we haven’t really seen to heard

0:16:14.160,0:16:19.839
too many of the judges tapes yet um

0:16:17.680,0:16:21.680
uh

0:16:19.839,0:16:25.360
and i mean they do criticize us we’re

0:16:21.680,0:16:26.079
obviously not perfect sure um

0:16:25.360,0:16:28.079
so

0:16:26.079,0:16:30.399
i’m guessing we would probably get a

0:16:28.079,0:16:31.839
decent amount of criticism um a lot of

0:16:30.399,0:16:35.600
the times it’s actually from the band

0:16:31.839,0:16:37.199
directors of mr porco mainly right um

0:16:35.600,0:16:38.800
kind of just

0:16:37.199,0:16:40.800
about like our performance because he

0:16:38.800,0:16:42.800
knows the judges will notice well and

0:16:40.800,0:16:44.079
that’s kind of his job his job is really

0:16:42.800,0:16:46.079
to get because he’s not out there

0:16:44.079,0:16:49.199
performing with you right yeah so it’s

0:16:46.079,0:16:51.920
his job to get you guys to the point

0:16:49.199,0:16:55.040
that you can score high with the judges

0:16:51.920,0:16:56.959
um and fortunately he’s aware of what

0:16:55.040,0:16:59.360
the judges are looking for

0:16:56.959,0:17:01.360
i can almost guarantee you

0:16:59.360,0:17:03.360
he’s been doing it long enough and he

0:17:01.360,0:17:04.880
knows what each individual judges are

0:17:03.360,0:17:08.000
looking for and he probably gives you

0:17:04.880,0:17:10.079
guys little hints or preps you for each

0:17:08.000,0:17:11.360
competition that you do

0:17:10.079,0:17:12.240
knowing what they’re going to be looking

0:17:11.360,0:17:13.919
for

0:17:12.240,0:17:16.079
or knowing what some of the other bands

0:17:13.919,0:17:17.360
are doing so that you guys can kind of

0:17:16.079,0:17:19.120
counter some of that in your own

0:17:17.360,0:17:20.959
performance

0:17:19.120,0:17:22.720
so it’s one of those things where that

0:17:20.959,0:17:25.360
criticism is really

0:17:22.720,0:17:27.600
a wealth of information to draw on

0:17:25.360,0:17:30.640
because it’s not just

0:17:27.600,0:17:33.200
making you better it’s making you

0:17:30.640,0:17:35.440
better in a way that’s specific to what

0:17:33.200,0:17:36.160
you’re about to walk into

0:17:35.440,0:17:38.960
so

0:17:36.160,0:17:40.080
criticism isn’t bad criticism makes you

0:17:38.960,0:17:42.480
better

0:17:40.080,0:17:44.480
um and you know we’ve talked before i’m

0:17:42.480,0:17:47.280
not the type of person who just showers

0:17:44.480,0:17:49.840
you with compliments if you show me

0:17:47.280,0:17:51.840
something and you ask my opinion i’m

0:17:49.840,0:17:53.200
going to give you my opinion because if

0:17:51.840,0:17:55.440
i don’t

0:17:53.200,0:17:57.440
then i’m doing you a disservice

0:17:55.440,0:17:59.120
and mr porco and and all the other

0:17:57.440,0:18:01.280
adults that are involved with being

0:17:59.120,0:18:03.360
coaches and stuff like that

0:18:01.280,0:18:05.600
it’s their job to make you better and

0:18:03.360,0:18:06.799
sometimes that requires pointing out the

0:18:05.600,0:18:08.320
flaws

0:18:06.799,0:18:10.000
because that’s the only way we can fix

0:18:08.320,0:18:11.760
them

0:18:10.000,0:18:14.080
what else do we have

0:18:11.760,0:18:15.600
uh okay

0:18:14.080,0:18:16.960
i know i threw off your rhythm there

0:18:15.600,0:18:18.480
didn’t i yeah

0:18:16.960,0:18:20.480
several of the following negative

0:18:18.480,0:18:23.039
feelings thoughts and beliefs may be

0:18:20.480,0:18:25.520
associated with perfectionism such as

0:18:23.039,0:18:27.760
the feeling of the fear

0:18:25.520,0:18:31.039
such as the fear of failure

0:18:27.760,0:18:31.919
perfectionists often equate failure to

0:18:31.039,0:18:34.880
uh

0:18:31.919,0:18:34.880
sorry slow down

0:18:34.960,0:18:40.000
perfectionists often equate failure to

0:18:37.440,0:18:42.400
achieve their goals with a lack of

0:18:40.000,0:18:44.240
personal worth or value

0:18:42.400,0:18:46.799
the fear of making mistakes

0:18:44.240,0:18:49.200
perfectionists re regularly equate

0:18:46.799,0:18:52.080
mistakes with failure

0:18:49.200,0:18:54.799
in orienting in or no

0:18:52.080,0:18:57.280
in orienting their lives in orienting

0:18:54.799,0:18:59.520
their lives around avoiding mistakes

0:18:57.280,0:19:00.880
perfectionists miss opportunities to

0:18:59.520,0:19:03.520
learn and grow

0:19:00.880,0:19:05.760
fear of disapproval perfectionists often

0:19:03.520,0:19:08.480
fear that if they let others see their

0:19:05.760,0:19:11.120
flaws they will no longer be accepted

0:19:08.480,0:19:13.280
and finally we have all or nothing

0:19:11.120,0:19:15.200
thinking perfectionists frequently

0:19:13.280,0:19:17.600
believe that they are worthless if their

0:19:15.200,0:19:19.760
accomplishments are not perfect

0:19:17.600,0:19:22.000
so the one thing that’s that’s worth

0:19:19.760,0:19:23.200
kind of touching on here is we talk

0:19:22.000,0:19:25.360
about

0:19:23.200,0:19:27.200
fear of disapproval you know where

0:19:25.360,0:19:28.960
perfectionists are afraid to let others

0:19:27.200,0:19:32.400
see their flaws

0:19:28.960,0:19:35.440
and we screw up on this podcast

0:19:32.400,0:19:37.280
on a regular basis i mean multiple times

0:19:35.440,0:19:40.240
to the point that we started doing

0:19:37.280,0:19:41.360
read-throughs of the script beforehand

0:19:40.240,0:19:43.200
just to make sure we’ve got

0:19:41.360,0:19:45.200
pronunciations down and we know what the

0:19:43.200,0:19:46.240
cadence of the reading is and stuff like

0:19:45.200,0:19:48.640
that

0:19:46.240,0:19:50.559
but even doing that we still screw up

0:19:48.640,0:19:52.240
and i joke around saying off i’ll fix it

0:19:50.559,0:19:53.840
and post but i never do and you know why

0:19:52.240,0:19:54.880
i never do

0:19:53.840,0:19:57.679
because

0:19:54.880,0:19:59.919
those mistakes are us

0:19:57.679,0:20:01.520
you know you have to own your mistakes

0:19:59.919,0:20:03.280
and then you come back next week and you

0:20:01.520,0:20:05.520
try to do a better job

0:20:03.280,0:20:07.280
we’re always going to make mistakes and

0:20:05.520,0:20:10.080
if we eliminate those mistakes then

0:20:07.280,0:20:12.320
we’re really eliminating a part of us

0:20:10.080,0:20:14.720
especially when you’re when you’re

0:20:12.320,0:20:16.960
reading from a script

0:20:14.720,0:20:19.360
the way that you read that script the

0:20:16.960,0:20:21.760
pronunciation the cadence in which you

0:20:19.360,0:20:22.960
read the emphasis you put on certain

0:20:21.760,0:20:25.679
words

0:20:22.960,0:20:28.320
that’s your your fingerprint that’s your

0:20:25.679,0:20:29.440
personality that you’re you’re injecting

0:20:28.320,0:20:31.840
into

0:20:29.440,0:20:33.600
the words that we’ve written

0:20:31.840,0:20:35.440
and when you make mistakes because

0:20:33.600,0:20:37.440
you’re trying to inject that in there

0:20:35.440,0:20:39.760
that’s part of you too

0:20:37.440,0:20:41.840
and there’s nothing wrong with that

0:20:39.760,0:20:43.520
you know when we do stuff like this and

0:20:41.840,0:20:45.280
we make a mistake you know we’ll joke

0:20:43.520,0:20:46.960
about it we’ll go back we’ll reread the

0:20:45.280,0:20:48.480
line so that everyone understands what

0:20:46.960,0:20:50.640
we’re trying to say

0:20:48.480,0:20:54.080
but we don’t hide our mistakes

0:20:50.640,0:20:56.400
because we learn from our mistakes

0:20:54.080,0:20:58.320
perfectionists tend to perceive others

0:20:56.400,0:21:01.600
as achieving

0:20:58.320,0:21:03.840
success with minimal effort few errors

0:21:01.600,0:21:05.600
little emotional stress and maximum

0:21:03.840,0:21:07.440
self-confidence

0:21:05.600,0:21:09.679
at the same time perfectionists view

0:21:07.440,0:21:12.080
their own efforts as unending and

0:21:09.679,0:21:15.200
forever inadequate

0:21:12.080,0:21:17.280
anxiety insecurity and fear of

0:21:15.200,0:21:19.840
disapproval may all lead to

0:21:17.280,0:21:21.360
perfectionist behavior

0:21:19.840,0:21:22.799
so we’re going to come back take a

0:21:21.360,0:21:24.320
little break come back and then we’re

0:21:22.799,0:21:26.559
going to talk about

0:21:24.320,0:21:30.120
the malicious cycle of perfectionism

0:21:26.559,0:21:30.120
we’ll be right back

0:21:33.200,0:21:39.360
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[Music]

0:22:38.640,0:22:43.360
welcome back everyone today we’re

0:22:40.480,0:22:44.720
talking about teens and perfectionism

0:22:43.360,0:22:48.320
and now we’re going to talk about the

0:22:44.720,0:22:51.039
malicious cycle of perfectionism

0:22:48.320,0:22:52.799
perfectionistic attitude set in motion a

0:22:51.039,0:22:55.400
meticulous cycle

0:22:52.799,0:22:58.080
no

0:22:55.400,0:22:59.520
perfectionistic attitude set in motion

0:22:58.080,0:23:01.840
ammunition

0:22:59.520,0:23:03.039
malicious not meticulous

0:23:01.840,0:23:05.440
my goal

0:23:03.039,0:23:08.960
okay i can

0:23:05.440,0:23:11.840
that’s okay own it run with it okay

0:23:08.960,0:23:13.120
first perfectionist set unreachable

0:23:11.840,0:23:15.039
goals

0:23:13.120,0:23:17.039
second they fail to meet these goals

0:23:15.039,0:23:19.039
because the goals were impossible to

0:23:17.039,0:23:21.280
begin with

0:23:19.039,0:23:23.120
third the cons

0:23:21.280,0:23:26.080
the constant pressure to achieve

0:23:23.120,0:23:28.720
perfection and the inevitable chronic

0:23:26.080,0:23:30.320
failure reduce productivity and

0:23:28.720,0:23:32.799
effectiveness

0:23:30.320,0:23:35.760
fourth the cycle leads to leads

0:23:32.799,0:23:37.840
perfectionists to be self-critical and

0:23:35.760,0:23:39.600
self-blaming which results in lower

0:23:37.840,0:23:41.760
self-esteem

0:23:39.600,0:23:42.440
it may also lead to anxiety and

0:23:41.760,0:23:43.520
depression

0:23:42.440,0:23:45.200
[Music]

0:23:43.520,0:23:46.960
which we’ve talked about on this show

0:23:45.200,0:23:48.559
numerous times

0:23:46.960,0:23:50.799
now perfectionists may give up

0:23:48.559,0:23:53.520
completely on their goals and set

0:23:50.799,0:23:56.240
different goals thinking this time if i

0:23:53.520,0:23:58.640
only try harder i’ll succeed

0:23:56.240,0:24:00.480
such thinking sets the entire cycle in

0:23:58.640,0:24:03.919
motion again

0:24:00.480,0:24:05.360
perfectionism is fueled by and fuels

0:24:03.919,0:24:07.279
anxiety

0:24:05.360,0:24:10.720
from the outside it may look like your

0:24:07.279,0:24:13.760
teen is lazy or unresilient lacks a work

0:24:10.720,0:24:15.520
ethic or simply doesn’t care

0:24:13.760,0:24:18.240
but on the inside

0:24:15.520,0:24:20.559
a teen struggling with perfection may be

0:24:18.240,0:24:21.840
fighting a daily battle against nerves

0:24:20.559,0:24:24.720
anxiety

0:24:21.840,0:24:27.120
and an intense fear of failure

0:24:24.720,0:24:29.520
the most important thing to remember is

0:24:27.120,0:24:31.520
that perfectionistic teens are actually

0:24:29.520,0:24:32.480
worried kids

0:24:31.520,0:24:35.200
anxiety

0:24:32.480,0:24:36.480
anxious well okay let’s try that one

0:24:35.200,0:24:37.840
again

0:24:36.480,0:24:40.080
i got four different versions of that

0:24:37.840,0:24:42.400
word in my mouth right now

0:24:40.080,0:24:45.039
anxious thoughts are driving their

0:24:42.400,0:24:46.559
perfectionistic behaviors

0:24:45.039,0:24:48.240
and when results fall short of

0:24:46.559,0:24:52.000
expectations

0:24:48.240,0:24:55.039
they experience even greater anxiety

0:24:52.000,0:24:58.559
it can be a difficult cycle to break

0:24:55.039,0:25:00.480
consider the role of external factors it

0:24:58.559,0:25:02.640
is no secret that teens are under

0:25:00.480,0:25:05.039
increased pressure today

0:25:02.640,0:25:07.200
the expectation to succeed both in

0:25:05.039,0:25:09.520
academics and in extracurricular

0:25:07.200,0:25:11.600
activities puts an enormous amount of

0:25:09.520,0:25:13.520
stress on them

0:25:11.600,0:25:16.320
surrounded by constant

0:25:13.520,0:25:19.440
evaluation and aware of the value

0:25:16.320,0:25:21.679
society places on high achievers teens

0:25:19.440,0:25:24.320
often have no choice but to be driven by

0:25:21.679,0:25:26.400
perfection often to the detriment of the

0:25:24.320,0:25:28.720
learning process

0:25:26.400,0:25:31.360
when teens strive to achieve they are

0:25:28.720,0:25:34.080
invested in the learning process

0:25:31.360,0:25:36.080
when teens strive for perfection they

0:25:34.080,0:25:38.559
become paralyzed by the fear of not

0:25:36.080,0:25:40.559
measuring up in some way

0:25:38.559,0:25:42.080
perfectionism comes with stiff

0:25:40.559,0:25:44.400
consequences

0:25:42.080,0:25:48.640
such as low achievement

0:25:44.400,0:25:50.480
inability to focus on and finish tasks

0:25:48.640,0:25:52.799
anxiety disorders feelings of

0:25:50.480,0:25:54.559
helplessness depression and even social

0:25:52.799,0:25:55.919
isolation

0:25:54.559,0:25:59.200
and i think one of the things that’s

0:25:55.919,0:26:01.360
worth mentioning here is that

0:25:59.200,0:26:03.760
if you catch this early

0:26:01.360,0:26:05.279
and you can break the teens out of this

0:26:03.760,0:26:07.360
and make them understand that

0:26:05.279,0:26:08.400
perfectionism is not a healthy

0:26:07.360,0:26:11.919
cycle

0:26:08.400,0:26:13.440
it it will be much more beneficial

0:26:11.919,0:26:15.120
in the long run

0:26:13.440,0:26:17.120
because what’s going to happen is you’re

0:26:15.120,0:26:18.240
going to run into situations later in

0:26:17.120,0:26:19.679
life

0:26:18.240,0:26:22.240
where

0:26:19.679,0:26:23.679
you can’t succeed you’re not meant to

0:26:22.240,0:26:26.000
succeed

0:26:23.679,0:26:28.159
a lot of times you’re giving tests in

0:26:26.000,0:26:30.240
college in high school

0:26:28.159,0:26:32.640
and to a certain extent but lesser

0:26:30.240,0:26:36.080
extent professionally you’re giving

0:26:32.640,0:26:37.919
given tasks that can’t be accomplished

0:26:36.080,0:26:39.600
at least not the way that you think they

0:26:37.919,0:26:40.640
can be

0:26:39.600,0:26:41.440
and

0:26:40.640,0:26:44.000
it’s

0:26:41.440,0:26:46.080
the test is not about you completing the

0:26:44.000,0:26:48.240
assignment successfully

0:26:46.080,0:26:49.440
the test is how you complete this

0:26:48.240,0:26:52.000
assignment

0:26:49.440,0:26:55.039
and how you handle the fact that you

0:26:52.000,0:26:58.080
couldn’t successfully complete it

0:26:55.039,0:26:58.080
have you ever thought of that

0:26:58.320,0:27:02.559
not really because a lot of times it’s a

0:27:00.320,0:27:04.880
test of character

0:27:02.559,0:27:08.400
um i’ve done that you know i’ve given

0:27:04.880,0:27:09.520
people an impossible task and and you

0:27:08.400,0:27:11.440
know you might think well that’s not

0:27:09.520,0:27:12.240
fair you shouldn’t do that

0:27:11.440,0:27:15.600
and

0:27:12.240,0:27:18.399
the purpose of it was not to

0:27:15.600,0:27:20.960
humiliate them or to frustrate them or

0:27:18.399,0:27:23.840
make them feel like a failure

0:27:20.960,0:27:25.919
the purpose of it was to teach them how

0:27:23.840,0:27:28.960
to handle failure

0:27:25.919,0:27:30.480
and to see how they react to it

0:27:28.960,0:27:33.840
now when i have a conversation with

0:27:30.480,0:27:35.440
people i’m i’m always testing people i’m

0:27:33.840,0:27:36.559
always seeing what buttons they have to

0:27:35.440,0:27:39.200
push

0:27:36.559,0:27:41.760
i’m always deliberately trying to get a

0:27:39.200,0:27:43.520
reaction from people

0:27:41.760,0:27:45.200
and

0:27:43.520,0:27:46.640
i’m sure a lot of people find that very

0:27:45.200,0:27:48.799
annoying about me

0:27:46.640,0:27:52.000
but i do that so that i can see how

0:27:48.799,0:27:54.399
people react and i can see

0:27:52.000,0:27:57.520
when you’re under stress

0:27:54.399,0:28:00.840
you react intuitively you don’t

0:27:57.520,0:28:04.799
necessarily react logically

0:28:00.840,0:28:06.000
and one of the things that i want to see

0:28:04.799,0:28:08.960
is

0:28:06.000,0:28:10.159
how someone is going to just react

0:28:08.960,0:28:11.520
normally

0:28:10.159,0:28:14.240
you know without even thinking about if

0:28:11.520,0:28:15.600
i don’t give you a chance to think

0:28:14.240,0:28:17.120
and when you put people in those

0:28:15.600,0:28:18.720
stressful situations that’s when you

0:28:17.120,0:28:19.840
really get to see that so there are

0:28:18.720,0:28:21.919
other people out there that do that

0:28:19.840,0:28:24.080
college professors will do this

0:28:21.919,0:28:26.080
college professors will deliberately

0:28:24.080,0:28:28.880
fail you as a professor

0:28:26.080,0:28:30.880
to teach you how to be self-sufficient

0:28:28.880,0:28:32.559
okay and a lot of people don’t realize

0:28:30.880,0:28:34.880
that so they think that

0:28:32.559,0:28:37.600
oh i got a terrible teacher well no the

0:28:34.880,0:28:40.399
teachers being terrible deliberately to

0:28:37.600,0:28:42.080
try to teach you how to

0:28:40.399,0:28:44.159
how to basically learn

0:28:42.080,0:28:45.520
without having a crutch of a teacher

0:28:44.159,0:28:47.360
there

0:28:45.520,0:28:48.720
um so

0:28:47.360,0:28:52.720
understanding

0:28:48.720,0:28:55.120
those elements early on now

0:28:52.720,0:28:57.039
where it’s not always about success it’s

0:28:55.120,0:28:58.880
about that journey to get to that

0:28:57.039,0:29:00.559
success

0:28:58.880,0:29:02.399
that’s the important lesson to be

0:29:00.559,0:29:04.240
learned and that’s where you where you

0:29:02.399,0:29:06.640
get a lot of the knowledge and

0:29:04.240,0:29:09.360
experience that leads you through the

0:29:06.640,0:29:09.360
rest of your life

0:29:11.360,0:29:15.039
that was all we had for a segment so it

0:29:12.960,0:29:17.279
was a quick segment we knew that

0:29:15.039,0:29:20.159
we do have a lot more coming up in uh

0:29:17.279,0:29:22.000
our next segment so stay with us we’ll

0:29:20.159,0:29:24.480
be right back after this

0:29:22.000,0:29:26.080
and we’ll be talking about what to do

0:29:24.480,0:29:34.240
about perfectionism

0:29:26.080,0:29:36.640
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[Music]

0:30:34.840,0:30:39.120
things.com welcome back to insights into

0:30:37.919,0:30:40.960
teens

0:30:39.120,0:30:42.480
today we’re talking about teens and

0:30:40.960,0:30:45.200
perfectionism

0:30:42.480,0:30:46.880
so what do you do about perfectionism

0:30:45.200,0:30:48.720
well the first step

0:30:46.880,0:30:51.039
in changing from a perfectionist

0:30:48.720,0:30:53.039
attitude to a healthy mentality

0:30:51.039,0:30:54.960
is to realize that perfectionism is

0:30:53.039,0:30:57.760
undesirable

0:30:54.960,0:30:59.600
seems like a no-brainer doesn’t it

0:30:57.760,0:31:01.120
perfection is an illusion that is

0:30:59.600,0:31:03.519
unattainable

0:31:01.120,0:31:05.440
the next step the challenge the next

0:31:03.519,0:31:07.120
step is to challenge

0:31:05.440,0:31:08.559
the self-defeating thoughts and

0:31:07.120,0:31:10.720
behaviors

0:31:08.559,0:31:12.880
that fuel perfectionism

0:31:10.720,0:31:14.320
some of the following strategies might

0:31:12.880,0:31:15.840
help you

0:31:14.320,0:31:18.799
one of these strategies is setting

0:31:15.840,0:31:21.760
realistic and reachable goals

0:31:18.799,0:31:24.000
based on your own wants and needs

0:31:21.760,0:31:27.840
and what you have accomplished in the

0:31:24.000,0:31:30.320
past that was a really long title

0:31:27.840,0:31:34.480
this will enable you to achieve and will

0:31:30.320,0:31:37.200
lead to a greater sense of self-esteem

0:31:34.480,0:31:39.840
you should also set successful goals as

0:31:37.200,0:31:42.000
you reach a goal set your next goal

0:31:39.840,0:31:44.080
one level beyond your present level of

0:31:42.000,0:31:46.320
accomplishment

0:31:44.080,0:31:47.760
experiment with your standards for

0:31:46.320,0:31:49.600
success

0:31:47.760,0:31:51.679
choose any activity and instead of

0:31:49.600,0:31:53.279
aiming for a hundred percent

0:31:51.679,0:31:56.480
try for 90

0:31:53.279,0:31:58.000
or 80 or even 60

0:31:56.480,0:32:00.480
this will help you realize that the

0:31:58.000,0:32:02.720
world does not end when you are not when

0:32:00.480,0:32:05.279
you are not perfect

0:32:02.720,0:32:08.080
focus on the process and not just on the

0:32:05.279,0:32:10.480
result we talked about this already

0:32:08.080,0:32:13.039
evaluate your success not only in terms

0:32:10.480,0:32:15.360
of what you accomplish but also in terms

0:32:13.039,0:32:17.039
of how much you enjoyed the task

0:32:15.360,0:32:20.159
and i’d even go so far as to say how

0:32:17.039,0:32:22.240
much you learned from the task

0:32:20.159,0:32:25.279
recognize that there can be value in the

0:32:22.240,0:32:27.519
process of pursuing a goal

0:32:25.279,0:32:29.200
the next one we have is to ask yourself

0:32:27.519,0:32:31.679
the hard questions

0:32:29.200,0:32:33.600
confront the fears that may be behind

0:32:31.679,0:32:35.360
your perfectionism and ask yourself what

0:32:33.600,0:32:36.799
am i afraid of

0:32:35.360,0:32:39.039
what is the worst thing that could

0:32:36.799,0:32:40.799
happen and i tell you that all the time

0:32:39.039,0:32:42.880
like what’s the worst thing that could

0:32:40.799,0:32:44.399
happen if you get a b on this test

0:32:42.880,0:32:46.000
you’ll bring your overall grant your

0:32:44.399,0:32:48.320
grade down a few points but then you’ll

0:32:46.000,0:32:49.600
have an opportunity to get them back up

0:32:48.320,0:32:52.000
what else do we have

0:32:49.600,0:32:53.440
we also have mistakes or opportunities

0:32:52.000,0:32:55.679
for experience

0:32:53.440,0:32:58.159
recognize that many positive things that

0:32:55.679,0:32:59.440
can be can only be learned by making

0:32:58.159,0:33:01.840
mistakes

0:32:59.440,0:33:04.159
when we make a mistake ask yourself what

0:33:01.840,0:33:06.480
can i learn from this experience more

0:33:04.159,0:33:08.720
specifically think of a recent mistake

0:33:06.480,0:33:11.200
you have made and list all the things

0:33:08.720,0:33:13.760
you can learn from it

0:33:11.200,0:33:16.240
the final one we have here is avoid all

0:33:13.760,0:33:17.760
or nothing thinking in relation to your

0:33:16.240,0:33:20.080
goals

0:33:17.760,0:33:22.880
learn to differentiate the tasks you

0:33:20.080,0:33:25.600
want to give high priority to from those

0:33:22.880,0:33:28.720
tasks that are less important to you

0:33:25.600,0:33:32.559
so let’s look at how parents can support

0:33:28.720,0:33:34.399
their perfectionist children and teens

0:33:32.559,0:33:36.960
i know it can seem daunting to want to

0:33:34.399,0:33:39.360
help your child yet know not know where

0:33:36.960,0:33:40.880
to start so here’s a few things you can

0:33:39.360,0:33:42.799
do to help your child make their

0:33:40.880,0:33:44.880
perfectionism more manageable we might

0:33:42.799,0:33:46.960
not get away you could get rid of it

0:33:44.880,0:33:49.440
entirely but we should be able to at

0:33:46.960,0:33:52.480
least manage it

0:33:49.440,0:33:54.399
educate your child about perfectionism

0:33:52.480,0:33:56.080
talk to your child about it

0:33:54.399,0:33:58.480
help him or her understand that

0:33:56.080,0:34:00.640
perfectionism makes us overly critical

0:33:58.480,0:34:03.679
of ourselves and others

0:34:00.640,0:34:05.679
this may make us unhappy and anxious

0:34:03.679,0:34:07.440
about trying new things

0:34:05.679,0:34:09.679
perfectionism makes it difficult to

0:34:07.440,0:34:12.320
finish tax tasks

0:34:09.679,0:34:14.560
and can be frustrating for everyone in

0:34:12.320,0:34:15.760
the family for younger children you

0:34:14.560,0:34:18.240
might not want to label it as

0:34:15.760,0:34:20.720
perfectionism but instead make up your

0:34:18.240,0:34:22.320
own name it’s a little more easy for

0:34:20.720,0:34:24.320
them to understand

0:34:22.320,0:34:25.839
but for teens call it perfectionism in

0:34:24.320,0:34:27.440
case they want to find out more about

0:34:25.839,0:34:29.200
them on their own

0:34:27.440,0:34:31.839
you should also teach positive

0:34:29.200,0:34:34.480
statements perfectionistic children and

0:34:31.839,0:34:36.240
teenagers often have rigid black and

0:34:34.480,0:34:38.639
white thinking

0:34:36.240,0:34:42.560
things that are things are either right

0:34:38.639,0:34:44.720
or wrong good or bad perfect or failure

0:34:42.560,0:34:47.119
help your child see the gray areas in

0:34:44.720,0:34:49.119
between encourage your child to replace

0:34:47.119,0:34:51.280
self-critical or perfectionistic

0:34:49.119,0:34:53.359
thoughts with more positive helpful

0:34:51.280,0:34:55.359
statements

0:34:53.359,0:34:58.160
have your child say these statements to

0:34:55.359,0:35:00.800
him or herself whenever he or she starts

0:34:58.160,0:35:02.720
to be self-critical or upset about not

0:35:00.800,0:35:04.720
doing something perfectly

0:35:02.720,0:35:06.720
suggest writing these statements down

0:35:04.720,0:35:09.520
somewhere handy on the home screen of

0:35:06.720,0:35:11.280
their phone a post-it etc

0:35:09.520,0:35:13.599
even if he or she doesn’t believe these

0:35:11.280,0:35:16.160
statements right away enough repetition

0:35:13.599,0:35:19.040
will turn positive thoughts into a habit

0:35:16.160,0:35:21.839
and help quiet the negative self-talk or

0:35:19.040,0:35:25.680
it’ll just annoy them

0:35:21.839,0:35:28.400
there’s also that as well there is that

0:35:25.680,0:35:30.560
you can help your child gain perspective

0:35:28.400,0:35:32.880
perfectionistic children and teens tend

0:35:30.560,0:35:35.599
to catastrophize

0:35:32.880,0:35:38.240
mistakes or imperfections are seen as

0:35:35.599,0:35:40.160
more terrible than they really are

0:35:38.240,0:35:42.160
they focus on the possible negative

0:35:40.160,0:35:43.760
consequences of failure

0:35:42.160,0:35:46.320
in most cases

0:35:43.760,0:35:48.720
these feared consequences are unlikely

0:35:46.320,0:35:50.079
and more much more drastic than the

0:35:48.720,0:35:53.280
reality

0:35:50.079,0:35:56.800
understandably catastrophizing increases

0:35:53.280,0:35:58.640
anxiety and interferes with performance

0:35:56.800,0:36:01.200
help your child recognize that one

0:35:58.640,0:36:03.440
mistake does not equal failure

0:36:01.200,0:36:06.560
and that one bad performance does not

0:36:03.440,0:36:08.880
mean that he or she is worthless

0:36:06.560,0:36:10.880
you should also praise effort it is

0:36:08.880,0:36:13.839
important to praise effort regardless of

0:36:10.880,0:36:15.680
whether or not your child was successful

0:36:13.839,0:36:17.680
this is especially true for a

0:36:15.680,0:36:19.520
perfectionist child or teen

0:36:17.680,0:36:21.760
instead of praising the achievement

0:36:19.520,0:36:24.640
praise the effort and quality of

0:36:21.760,0:36:26.160
character that was shown also pre-skills

0:36:24.640,0:36:28.400
that are not directly related to

0:36:26.160,0:36:30.400
achievement such as sharing with others

0:36:28.400,0:36:33.680
remembering something important playing

0:36:30.400,0:36:36.160
well or congratulating a winner

0:36:33.680,0:36:38.640
create realistic schedules

0:36:36.160,0:36:41.680
help your child by breaking down larger

0:36:38.640,0:36:43.440
tasks in the manageable steps

0:36:41.680,0:36:46.480
on a charter calendar write down the

0:36:43.440,0:36:49.359
goal or deadline and work backwards

0:36:46.480,0:36:51.200
setting many goals along the way

0:36:49.359,0:36:52.400
building rewards for reaching these

0:36:51.200,0:36:54.480
steps

0:36:52.400,0:36:55.599
also encourage him or her to decide in

0:36:54.480,0:36:58.320
advance

0:36:55.599,0:37:00.320
how much time to spend on a task

0:36:58.320,0:37:03.200
remember the goal is to complete the

0:37:00.320,0:37:05.359
task not to make it perfect

0:37:03.200,0:37:06.800
you should also set priorities

0:37:05.359,0:37:09.040
perfectionists

0:37:06.800,0:37:11.680
perfectionists sometimes have trouble

0:37:09.040,0:37:13.119
deciding on what to devote their energy

0:37:11.680,0:37:15.200
and effort to

0:37:13.119,0:37:17.119
encourage your child to prioritize by

0:37:15.200,0:37:20.720
deciding which activities deserve

0:37:17.119,0:37:22.640
maximum energy and which require less

0:37:20.720,0:37:24.960
let him or her know that it’s okay to

0:37:22.640,0:37:27.119
not to not give a hundred percent on

0:37:24.960,0:37:29.440
every task or activity

0:37:27.119,0:37:32.000
and finally gain balance

0:37:29.440,0:37:34.240
perfectionists tend to lead narrow lines

0:37:32.000,0:37:36.560
because it’s very difficult to be very

0:37:34.240,0:37:39.040
good at a lot of things

0:37:36.560,0:37:41.440
the goal should be to not invest more

0:37:39.040,0:37:43.119
effort than is necessary to do a good

0:37:41.440,0:37:44.880
enough job

0:37:43.119,0:37:47.040
reassure your child

0:37:44.880,0:37:49.440
that it’s good to take breaks and take

0:37:47.040,0:37:51.839
time to do things they enjoy

0:37:49.440,0:37:54.079
this will allow more time to enjoy with

0:37:51.839,0:37:56.000
friends and on other activities and

0:37:54.079,0:37:57.520
hobbies

0:37:56.000,0:37:58.960
it’s also important to remember there’s

0:37:57.520,0:38:00.160
nothing wrong with setting high

0:37:58.960,0:38:01.760
standards

0:38:00.160,0:38:03.200
but they need to be reachable with

0:38:01.760,0:38:06.240
effort

0:38:03.200,0:38:08.160
it’s all about being okay

0:38:06.240,0:38:11.119
human not superhuman

0:38:08.160,0:38:13.440
among the best if not the best

0:38:11.119,0:38:16.240
perfectionism can be a curse

0:38:13.440,0:38:18.640
and perfectionist can carry criticism

0:38:16.240,0:38:21.359
both of themselves and others

0:38:18.640,0:38:24.960
by setting standards at the wrong level

0:38:21.359,0:38:28.480
they’re condemned to never achieve them

0:38:24.960,0:38:30.560
so with all that said and done

0:38:28.480,0:38:32.960
has any of this helped to give you more

0:38:30.560,0:38:33.839
perspective on your own perfectionism

0:38:32.960,0:38:35.520
well

0:38:33.839,0:38:37.839
i guess i’ll kind of

0:38:35.520,0:38:38.880
uh go down the list here because we have

0:38:37.839,0:38:40.560
a nice

0:38:38.880,0:38:44.480
section list

0:38:40.560,0:38:46.079
um educate um me about my perfectionism

0:38:44.480,0:38:48.400
i mean we’re technically doing that with

0:38:46.079,0:38:50.720
the podcast sure so

0:38:48.400,0:38:53.760
i’m learning more about it now

0:38:50.720,0:38:55.440
uh teach positive statements

0:38:53.760,0:38:57.040
um

0:38:55.440,0:39:00.960
it’s good to make mistakes as long as

0:38:57.040,0:39:02.480
you learn from them right um you kind of

0:39:00.960,0:39:05.520
give me slightly more positive

0:39:02.480,0:39:07.280
statements about like hey it’s okay you

0:39:05.520,0:39:09.040
don’t have to give 100

0:39:07.280,0:39:11.440
you’re still doing good

0:39:09.040,0:39:13.040
um and your motto is as long as you put

0:39:11.440,0:39:15.119
in your best effort

0:39:13.040,0:39:17.520
like you achieved

0:39:15.119,0:39:20.400
your your good basically right i cannot

0:39:17.520,0:39:22.560
ask you to do more than your best

0:39:20.400,0:39:23.839
and sometimes if your best isn’t 100

0:39:22.560,0:39:25.760
that’s okay

0:39:23.839,0:39:27.040
the world doesn’t revolve around 100

0:39:25.760,0:39:29.599
percent

0:39:27.040,0:39:30.880
it’s very infrequent that anybody gets

0:39:29.599,0:39:33.599
100 percent

0:39:30.880,0:39:36.480
effectiveness in the real world

0:39:33.599,0:39:38.160
and you kind of need to accept that and

0:39:36.480,0:39:42.160
move on

0:39:38.160,0:39:44.079
uh help me gain perspective

0:39:42.160,0:39:44.960
you’ve definitely tried to teach me that

0:39:44.079,0:39:46.880
yet

0:39:44.960,0:39:49.359
um just because you make one mistake

0:39:46.880,0:39:51.520
doesn’t mean that your entire career is

0:39:49.359,0:39:53.200
completely gone

0:39:51.520,0:39:55.040
like um

0:39:53.200,0:39:57.200
with some of my quizzes when i don’t get

0:39:55.040,0:39:58.640
a hundred percent you say

0:39:57.200,0:40:00.160
hey this won’t really affect you that

0:39:58.640,0:40:01.040
much in the long run you’re gonna be

0:40:00.160,0:40:03.440
fine

0:40:01.040,0:40:05.280
right so you definitely try to get give

0:40:03.440,0:40:08.560
me uh that

0:40:05.280,0:40:10.960
uh you also do praise my effort um

0:40:08.560,0:40:12.720
um you do still praise my achievements

0:40:10.960,0:40:16.400
but you still also praise the effort

0:40:12.720,0:40:18.000
that i put into like with marching band

0:40:16.400,0:40:19.520
like you know i’m not perfect on

0:40:18.000,0:40:21.119
marching band but you still praise the

0:40:19.520,0:40:23.680
amount of effort i’ve been able to put

0:40:21.119,0:40:25.359
into it yeah then it’s hard work you

0:40:23.680,0:40:26.480
know that’s why it was very important

0:40:25.359,0:40:28.240
for us

0:40:26.480,0:40:30.000
you know with this injury that you’re

0:40:28.240,0:40:32.000
going through right now

0:40:30.000,0:40:34.160
mommy and i are trying very hard to make

0:40:32.000,0:40:35.920
sure that when you’re able to perform in

0:40:34.160,0:40:38.240
marching band again you can because

0:40:35.920,0:40:39.680
you’ve put so much effort into it you

0:40:38.240,0:40:41.359
know you might get out on the field

0:40:39.680,0:40:43.440
there and you might not march as well as

0:40:41.359,0:40:44.880
you were before until your leg’s 100

0:40:43.440,0:40:46.720
percent

0:40:44.880,0:40:49.040
but you’ve worked so hard for it that

0:40:46.720,0:40:50.839
you should be entitled to it

0:40:49.040,0:40:54.480
so

0:40:50.839,0:40:56.880
absolutely um set realistic schedules

0:40:54.480,0:40:58.880
you’ve been helping me with that um you

0:40:56.880,0:41:00.720
know helping me reach

0:40:58.880,0:41:02.720
goals in

0:41:00.720,0:41:04.960
much more realistic in a much more

0:41:02.720,0:41:06.800
realistic fashion so

0:41:04.960,0:41:09.359
any goals i do want to achieve you

0:41:06.800,0:41:13.040
always make sure to help me um

0:41:09.359,0:41:13.839
reach them in a realistic fashion

0:41:13.040,0:41:15.760
um

0:41:13.839,0:41:17.040
set priorities

0:41:15.760,0:41:19.599
yeah there are certain things that i

0:41:17.040,0:41:22.240
should probably prioritize more a lot a

0:41:19.599,0:41:24.560
lot of the times with school work like

0:41:22.240,0:41:27.040
prioritize like certain

0:41:24.560,0:41:28.720
things of school work over others

0:41:27.040,0:41:30.079
kind of like how i do with my homework

0:41:28.720,0:41:33.280
sure

0:41:30.079,0:41:34.640
and then gain balance

0:41:33.280,0:41:35.520
with the force

0:41:34.640,0:41:38.400
yes

0:41:35.520,0:41:40.720
gain balance with the force um you

0:41:38.400,0:41:43.839
definitely try to help me balance um my

0:41:40.720,0:41:44.640
perfectionist ideas with like just doing

0:41:43.839,0:41:47.200
a

0:41:44.640,0:41:48.480
overall good good enough job

0:41:47.200,0:41:50.400
yeah

0:41:48.480,0:41:52.640
so yeah yeah i think

0:41:50.400,0:41:54.800
for the most part you’ve got

0:41:52.640,0:41:57.040
a lot of the fundamentals down you’ve

0:41:54.800,0:41:59.599
got a lot of the

0:41:57.040,0:42:01.520
how to do it down you know you break

0:41:59.599,0:42:03.200
things down into smaller tasks you’re

0:42:01.520,0:42:05.040
very good with scheduling things and

0:42:03.200,0:42:07.359
prioritizing things

0:42:05.040,0:42:09.119
so you’ve got all of these tools

0:42:07.359,0:42:10.480
available to you

0:42:09.119,0:42:12.319
i think where

0:42:10.480,0:42:13.280
you probably need to have a little bit

0:42:12.319,0:42:14.640
more

0:42:13.280,0:42:17.200
practice

0:42:14.640,0:42:19.599
is the mental part of things not being

0:42:17.200,0:42:21.839
overly critical of yourself

0:42:19.599,0:42:24.480
not having to be 100 effective all the

0:42:21.839,0:42:26.880
time and understanding that that’s okay

0:42:24.480,0:42:28.319
i think if we can get to that part and

0:42:26.880,0:42:30.560
you can use all the tools that you have

0:42:28.319,0:42:33.520
at your disposal i think you’ll be fine

0:42:30.560,0:42:34.720
yeah i think you’re doing pretty good

0:42:33.520,0:42:36.400
so we’re going to take a quick break

0:42:34.720,0:42:38.000
we’ll come back we’ll get your closing

0:42:36.400,0:42:39.599
thoughts and

0:42:38.000,0:42:44.280
then we’ll finish up the business of the

0:42:39.599,0:42:44.280
podcast we’ll be right back

0:42:47.280,0:42:51.520
go for your closing thoughts alrighty so

0:42:49.680,0:42:54.160
to everyone out there i just wanted to

0:42:51.520,0:42:56.400
say that perfectionism is

0:42:54.160,0:42:59.520
definitely something that is a malicious

0:42:56.400,0:43:01.760
cycle and i know from experience how

0:42:59.520,0:43:04.319
difficult it can be to handle it

0:43:01.760,0:43:06.720
we do there are definitely ways to help

0:43:04.319,0:43:07.920
manage it to something that

0:43:06.720,0:43:09.599
definitely

0:43:07.920,0:43:11.680
dulls it down

0:43:09.599,0:43:12.720
of course it’s not gonna completely go

0:43:11.680,0:43:14.960
away

0:43:12.720,0:43:16.560
um as we would have hoped but we can at

0:43:14.960,0:43:19.200
least um

0:43:16.560,0:43:21.200
quiet it for the most part and if you

0:43:19.200,0:43:22.960
ever feel like

0:43:21.200,0:43:25.760
you’re one of the only people that’s

0:43:22.960,0:43:27.599
like this don’t worry this is one of the

0:43:25.760,0:43:30.480
podcasts where i can actually relate to

0:43:27.599,0:43:30.480
you so yay

0:43:30.880,0:43:35.920
well said well said thank you uh well

0:43:34.000,0:43:37.599
before we go i do want to once again

0:43:35.920,0:43:40.640
remind folks that if you want to

0:43:37.599,0:43:42.800
subscribe to this podcast you can

0:43:40.640,0:43:45.520
get the audio versions of the podcast

0:43:42.800,0:43:47.839
listed as insights into teens

0:43:45.520,0:43:50.319
video versions of all of our podcasts

0:43:47.839,0:43:51.839
are listed as insights into things

0:43:50.319,0:43:54.800
and we’re available anywhere you can get

0:43:51.839,0:43:57.680
a podcast pandora castro stitcher

0:43:54.800,0:43:59.839
podbean etc etc

0:43:57.680,0:44:01.760
i would also invite you to write in to

0:43:59.839,0:44:04.800
us give us your feedback give us your

0:44:01.760,0:44:06.800
suggestions for show notes

0:44:04.800,0:44:08.560
give us your stories like you know the

0:44:06.800,0:44:10.720
stuff that we talk about on the podcast

0:44:08.560,0:44:12.960
here do you find that you’re a

0:44:10.720,0:44:14.160
perfectionist do you have perfectionist

0:44:12.960,0:44:16.560
kids

0:44:14.160,0:44:18.079
uh write in let us know we’ll we’d love

0:44:16.560,0:44:20.400
to include it as part of the

0:44:18.079,0:44:22.400
conversation during the podcast

0:44:20.400,0:44:24.240
you can email us at comments insights

0:44:22.400,0:44:26.480
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0:44:24.240,0:44:27.599
we’re on twitter at insights underscore

0:44:26.480,0:44:29.440
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0:44:27.599,0:44:32.640
you can actually get high-res versions

0:44:29.440,0:44:34.400
of our videos on youtube at youtube.com

0:44:32.640,0:44:37.359
insights into things

0:44:34.400,0:44:41.200
we do stream five days a week on twitch

0:44:37.359,0:44:44.079
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0:44:41.200,0:44:46.400
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0:44:44.079,0:44:48.560
you do get a monthly free twitch

0:44:46.400,0:44:51.280
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0:44:48.560,0:44:53.599
that our way audio versions of this

0:44:51.280,0:44:55.119
podcast can be found at podcast on the

0:44:53.599,0:44:58.119
web they can be found at

0:44:55.119,0:44:58.119
podcast.insightsintoteens.com

0:44:59.040,0:45:02.079
you can get

0:45:00.680,0:45:04.000
[Music]

0:45:02.079,0:45:05.440
all of our videos on facebook we do

0:45:04.000,0:45:07.839
stream on facebook as well at

0:45:05.440,0:45:09.359
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0:45:07.839,0:45:11.119
podcast

0:45:09.359,0:45:13.040
you can also find us on instagram at

0:45:11.119,0:45:15.280
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0:45:13.040,0:45:17.200
insights into things

0:45:15.280,0:45:19.839
or you can find links to all that and

0:45:17.200,0:45:22.839
much more on our official website at

0:45:19.839,0:45:22.839
http://www.insightsintothings.com

0:45:23.440,0:45:26.880
and you

0:45:24.800,0:45:28.800
and don’t forget to check out our our

0:45:26.880,0:45:31.200
other two podcasts insights and

0:45:28.800,0:45:33.200
entertainment hosted by you and mommy

0:45:31.200,0:45:35.599
and insights in the tomorrow our monthly

0:45:33.200,0:45:37.839
podcast hosted by you and my brother sam

0:45:35.599,0:45:39.600
and that’s it another one in the books

0:45:37.839,0:45:45.409
bye everyone

0:45:39.600,0:45:45.409
[Music]

0:45:49.920,0:45:52.920
do

0:46:08.720,0:46:10.800
you