Insights Into Teens: Episode 126 ”Gaslighting”

INTRO THEME]
[INTRODUCTIONS]
Insights Into Teens: Episode 126 “Gaslighting”
My poised and confident co-host Madison Whalen

Summary
This week we’re going to talk about a term that is used a lot in the media but often misunderstood, Gaslighting. It’s thrown around a lot but most people don’t know that it really refers to a form of mental abuse that is far too widespread in today’s society. We’ll talk about what Gaslighting is, the origins of the term, signs that it’s happening and steps to stop it if it’s happening to you or a loved one.

[Show Plugs]

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[TRANSITION]

[SEGMENT 1]

What is Gaslighting?
https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/what-gaslighting-how-do-you-know-if-it-s-happening-ncna890866
https://nbcnews.to/3ihOHSM

Psychologists use the term “gaslighting” to refer to a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions.
And it’s always a serious problem, according to psychologists.
The term “gaslighting” actually comes from a 1938 play, “Gas Light”, where a husband manipulates his wife to make her think she’s actually losing her sense of reality so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance.

Not all real-life examples are so diabolical of course.
It may start out with seemingly small offenses.
But the problem is that even more-or-less insignificant instances of you questioning your own judgment or reality — thanks to the deliberate intent of someone else — can snowball.
You can end up in a cycle of not being able to negotiate your daily life in a way where you are clear minded, can focus, can make sound decisions, and have a sense of well-being

Gaslighting happens in a variety of different relationship types
In personal relationships, think an abusive spouse or, in rarer cases, parent
In professional relationships such as a manipulative boss or coworker preying on a subordinate
Even by public figures, there are several examples of gaslighting by former President Donald Trump and his administration

No matter whether it’s happening in a marriage, between a leader and his or her constituency or elsewhere, it’s important to be aware of the red flags that you (or someone you know) might be a victim — which is the first step to getting out of the abusive situation.

When and Where does Gaslighting Happen?
Gaslighting usually happens in a power dynamic, but it’s not always intentional or malicious
The manipulator holds enough power that the target of the gaslighting is terrified to change up [the relationship] or step out of the gaslighting dynamic because the threat of losing that relationship — or the threat of being seen as less than who you want to be seen as to them — is quite a threat
If it’s happening by someone you love and care about (like a spouse or parent), you’re going to WANT to believe the other person — and the gaslighter may use that against you
Many people, in this case the targets of gaslighting, change their perceptions in order to avoid having a conflict

The gaslighter doesn’t necessarily need to be acting with malicious intent — nor does the gaslighter necessarily need to realize that she or he is gaslighting another person for it to be happening
It might be a result of how you were raised.
Maybe your parents had very cut-and-dry beliefs and that certainty is how they (and now you) see the world and when someone sees things differently you assume something is wrong with them
Maybe you’re upset because you think your boyfriend is always flirting with other girls.
What you don’t see is that it’s the girls that are flirting with him and he’s just being polite.
But your worldview doesn’t allow you to question that maybe you’re getting the situation wrong.
You make him think you know way more about relationships and there’s something wrong with him that he’s not able to see the “error” in his ways.
Maybe at first you don’t believe it, but over time you may come to think that maybe she is right

[AD1: SSE]

[SEGMENT 2]

How gaslighting happens
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s fact sheet, the techniques a gaslighter might use to manipulate someone else can include:
Withholding (meaning he or she refuses to listen or says they don’t understand)
Countering (when the abuser questions the gaslightee’s memory of an event)
Blocking/diverting (when the abuser changes the subject or questions the victim’s thinking)
Trivializing (making the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant)
Forgetting/denial (when the manipulator pretends to have forgotten what actually happened or denies something he or she had previously agreed to)
And note that a gaslighter will oftentimes start with something that is true that you might be particularly sensitive about in order to hook you.
A coworker, for example, who tries to convince you that you’re not pulling your weight in the office might bring up the fact that you complain all the time about being tired because of your kids
You may be feeling tired because your kids have activities that require your attention (and that coworker may have heard you complaining about it once or twice), but that doesn’t necessarily mean that your performance is changing because of it

Signs you’re a victim of gaslighting
Look for these warning signs and red flags that this type of abuse might be happening to you (or someone you know):
You’re constantly second guessing yourself or have trouble making decisions
You’re ruminating about a perceived character flaw (like being too sensitive or not a good enough person)
You feel confused about your relationship (if you find yourself thinking: “I thought I had this great husband, but I just feel crazy all the time” or “I thought I had this charming partner, but then sometimes I feel like I’m losing it when we’re together”)
In a confrontation with the person that might be gaslighting you, you feel like you suddenly find yourself in an argument you didn’t intend to have, you’re not making progress or you’re saying the same thing over and over again and not being heard
You feel fuzzy or unclear about your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs
You’re always apologizing
You’re frequently making excuses for your partner’s behavior
You can’t understand why you’re not happy in your own life
You know something is wrong, but you just don’t know what.

[AD2: ENTERTAINMENT]

[SEGMENT 3]

What to do if someone is gaslighting you
What do you do if you do recognize that someone is gaslighting you?

Identify the problem.
Recognizing the problem is the first step.
Once something has a name you can begin to address it specifically.
Sometimes writing down specifics from a conversation that you can look back to later — when you’re out of the heat of the moment — can be helpful in sorting out the truth from distortion

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel.
Part of the problem with gaslighting is that it results in the victim questioning his or her own thoughts, values, perceptions or feelings.
Acknowledge that what you feel is what you feel so that you can take whatever action you need to take to feel better.

Give yourself permission to make a sacrifice.
Part of what makes it tough for a victim to leave a gaslight situation is that the abuser is someone they care about, they look up to, or they have a relationship with.
You may have a lot of wonderful things going on in that relationship, but it’s not worth it if it’s undermining your reality.
To start to regain your sense of self that you’ve lost, you may need to cut that person off, give up some of those wonderful things, or live with that person not having such a high opinion of you

Start with making small decisions.
To get out of or to stop a gaslight, take one step at a time.
Say no.
Don’t engage in an argument that’s clearly a power struggle.

Get a second opinion.
Ask a friend or family member you trust if they think your thinking is as off as your potential abuser says it is.

Have compassion for YOU.
Having compassion for yourself is very important.
You’re responsible to you.
You need to be honest with yourself.
Maybe tomorrow your partner will be great, but focus on what you’re feeling in the moment.
Recognize when you have those feelings

[TRANSITION]

[CLOSE]
Closing thoughts shoutouts
Show Plugs
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[OUTRO AND CREDITS]

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[Music]

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insightful podcasts

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insights into things

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a podcast network

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[Music]

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welcome to insights into teens a podcast

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series exploring the issues and

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challenges of today’s youth your hosts

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years

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[Music]

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welcome to insights into teens this is

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episode 126

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gaslighting

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i am your host joseph whalen and my

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poised and confident co-host madison

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whalen

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hi everyone how you doing today maddie

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hi mom

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uh

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fine how about you

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wow that sounded so unfine i couldn’t

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even describe it

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um clearly you’re not fine is it

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anything you want to talk about

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i just

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had a rough day i guess rough day well

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week’s almost over right

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well not for me

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all right clearly i’m not going to say

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anything to uh satisfy you today

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we’ll just have to have a miserable show

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today i’m not going to be miserable

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during the show relax okay

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um so you had a big weekend last week

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king you had your first marching band

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competition how’d that go uh we got

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second place which was nice that’s

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pretty good pretty good we’ve got a busy

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weekend too we’ve got uh

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a football game got a halftime

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performance at a football game this

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weekend

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and then you have another competition

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this weekend

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so

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should be interesting yep looking

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forward to it

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i guess okay well

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that’s some fake enthusiasm we like that

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i mean i like the football games the

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competition is just the one that i like

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takes a long time huh

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kind of makes for a very long day yeah

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uh you’ll get through it i’m sure it

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gets through you’ll have a good time

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hopefully

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but surprisingly that’s not what we’re

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talking about today

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today we are talking about gaslighting

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now this is a topic

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that’s been

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tossed around a lot and people use the

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phrase a lot and i don’t think a lot of

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people really understand what gas

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lighting really means

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or where it comes from so what do people

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technically

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think gas flooding is well i think a lot

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of people use it as just a derogatory

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term for someone who’s dismissing

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someone okay and while that kind of is

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true

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it’s it’s much deeper than that

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and as we get into it you’ll see it’s

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much more insidious than that it’s not

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just a matter of

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pretending my reality is different than

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yours

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and that’s how it’s used a lot today

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especially in political circles

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you know you’ll hear

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oh so-and-so is gaslighting uh

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such and such as campaign or something

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like that where

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you have what a lot of people

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refer to as reality distortion fields

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this happened a lot during the trump

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presidency where

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the

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news and the media would ask questions

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and then they would get what at one

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point in time someone very cleverly

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within the administration called

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alternative facts

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how you have alternative facts to

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actual facts i don’t know but that was

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one form of gaslighting okay

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so this week we are going to talk about

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the term that is used a lot in the media

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but often misunderstood called

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gaslighting

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it’s thrown around a lot but most people

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don’t know what it refers to it really

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refers to a form of mental abuse

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that’s far too widespread in today’s

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society

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we’ll talk about what gaslighting is

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the origins of the term

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signs that it’s happening

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and steps to stop it from happening to

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you or to your loved ones

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and before we do that though

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i would invite folks to subscribe to the

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started yep all right here we go

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[Music]

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so what is gaslighting this definition

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comes to us from a very well written

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article on nbcnews.com

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psychologists use the term gaslighting

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to refer to a specific type of

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manipulation

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where the manipulator is trying to get

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someone else or a group of people

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to question their own reality memory or

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perceptions

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and it’s always a serious problem

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according to psychologists

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the term gaslighting actually comes from

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a 1938 plague called gaslight

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where a husband manipulates his wife to

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make her think she’s actually losing her

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sense of reality

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so he can commit her to a mental

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institution

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and steal her inheritance

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nice guy huh yeah that’s a real nice

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love story there so not all real-life

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examples are so diabolical it may start

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out with seemingly small offenses

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but the problem

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is that even more or less insignificant

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instances of questioning your own

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judgment or reality thanks to deliberate

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intent of someone else can snowball

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you can end up in a cycle of not being

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able to negotiate your daily life in a

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way where you are clear minded

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can focus

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can make sound decisions

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and have a sense of well-being

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gaslighting happens in a variety of

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different relationship types

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in personal relationships think of an

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abusive spouse or in rare cases a parent

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in professional relationships such as a

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manipulative boss or a co-worker preying

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on a subordinate

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even by public figures there are several

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examples of gaslighting by former

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president donald trump and his

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administration which the site provided

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no matter whether it’s happening in

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marriage between the leader and his or

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her

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constituency constituency or elsewhere

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it’s important to be aware of the red

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flags that you or someone you know might

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be a victim which is the first step to

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getting out of an abusive situation and

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kind of hearing the definition of this

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um

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reminds me of a story we were kind of

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reading in um ela called the lottery by

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shirley jackson and

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um

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basically the message in it was kind of

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to

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question traditions and such basically

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the tradition of the lottery is an

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extreme example

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of just completely committing to

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traditions entirely

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so based on this this definition though

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do you think you’ve ever been gaslighted

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by someone or do you think you’ve ever

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gaslated someone without even knowing it

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um

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i mean

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i’ve ha i have changed my perspective on

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various things i don’t think it’s like

0:08:38.880,0:08:43.760
the extreme example of mental

0:08:40.959,0:08:45.839
manipulation to the point where like my

0:08:43.760,0:08:47.040
entire belief system has completely been

0:08:45.839,0:08:47.920
shattered

0:08:47.040,0:08:49.760
um

0:08:47.920,0:08:52.000
so i don’t think i’ve necessarily been

0:08:49.760,0:08:52.959
gaslighted

0:08:52.000,0:08:55.040
like

0:08:52.959,0:08:56.800
badly like

0:08:55.040,0:08:58.720
i don’t think anyone really manipulated

0:08:56.800,0:09:00.959
me that way right

0:08:58.720,0:09:04.080
see and i’ve had this situation happen

0:09:00.959,0:09:06.160
with employers in the past

0:09:04.080,0:09:07.440
one particular employer several years

0:09:06.160,0:09:08.959
ago

0:09:07.440,0:09:11.120
had

0:09:08.959,0:09:13.120
they were big on

0:09:11.120,0:09:15.600
inspirational messages

0:09:13.120,0:09:17.680
and they liked the lead through these

0:09:15.600,0:09:20.800
catchphrases and

0:09:17.680,0:09:24.080
and they thought they had some effect on

0:09:20.800,0:09:27.360
morale so

0:09:24.080,0:09:29.120
this one particular manager this

0:09:27.360,0:09:31.040
officer in the company

0:09:29.120,0:09:32.880
got up in front of the entire company at

0:09:31.040,0:09:35.600
one time in a meeting

0:09:32.880,0:09:39.839
and he gave this example of we need to

0:09:35.600,0:09:41.200
be more like geese in this company

0:09:39.839,0:09:42.480
and you look around the room and

0:09:41.200,0:09:44.720
everyone’s kind of scratching our heads

0:09:42.480,0:09:47.279
like what are you talking about

0:09:44.720,0:09:50.880
and he goes on to say well what geese do

0:09:47.279,0:09:53.600
is they fly in a v formation and when

0:09:50.880,0:09:55.839
that lead goose gets tired and he’s

0:09:53.600,0:09:57.040
referring to the the ceo of the company

0:09:55.839,0:09:58.640
at that time

0:09:57.040,0:10:00.800
when that league use gets tired they

0:09:58.640,0:10:02.880
have to fall back and then somebody else

0:10:00.800,0:10:04.640
comes up and take the lead

0:10:02.880,0:10:06.720
and he’s kind of equating that to

0:10:04.640,0:10:10.079
himself where

0:10:06.720,0:10:12.880
the ceo had just gone through kind of a

0:10:10.079,0:10:13.839
a bad press situation with the company

0:10:12.880,0:10:15.600
and had a

0:10:13.839,0:10:17.920
kind of a mess something up in the

0:10:15.600,0:10:19.600
company and he was giving the example of

0:10:17.920,0:10:21.680
him stepping up

0:10:19.600,0:10:23.760
and he said you know the next goose

0:10:21.680,0:10:26.240
steps up in line and that’s how that

0:10:23.760,0:10:28.640
formation continues to fly

0:10:26.240,0:10:30.480
with a new leader up there

0:10:28.640,0:10:32.240
and everyone’s like oh okay yeah they

0:10:30.480,0:10:33.680
all kind of like nodded their heads and

0:10:32.240,0:10:35.279
left the room

0:10:33.680,0:10:37.040
with this idea that this guy’s trying to

0:10:35.279,0:10:38.720
take over the lead so i

0:10:37.040,0:10:40.800
after the meeting i went and i talked to

0:10:38.720,0:10:42.640
him and i said

0:10:40.800,0:10:44.959
you’re not from around here are you he

0:10:42.640,0:10:47.360
says well now i’m from i’m from upstate

0:10:44.959,0:10:49.120
new york i said well

0:10:47.360,0:10:50.959
that was a very interesting example that

0:10:49.120,0:10:53.120
you gave however

0:10:50.959,0:10:55.600
reality here is a little bit different

0:10:53.120,0:10:58.560
it’s like what are you talking about

0:10:55.600,0:11:00.720
i said well in new jersey we have

0:10:58.560,0:11:02.079
canadian geese

0:11:00.720,0:11:04.720
and

0:11:02.079,0:11:06.399
canadian geese around the turn of the

0:11:04.720,0:11:08.320
20th century

0:11:06.399,0:11:10.079
had been hunted nearly to extinction and

0:11:08.320,0:11:12.240
canadian geese would

0:11:10.079,0:11:14.480
migrate up and down the eastern coast

0:11:12.240,0:11:17.120
from canada down to florida

0:11:14.480,0:11:19.040
and they were hunted to near extinction

0:11:17.120,0:11:21.040
so new jersey enacted laws that would

0:11:19.040,0:11:23.760
protect the geese

0:11:21.040,0:11:27.519
and they were an endangered species so

0:11:23.760,0:11:29.680
as a result they were held in these

0:11:27.519,0:11:31.519
wildlife sanctuaries in new jersey and

0:11:29.680,0:11:33.360
nursed back to

0:11:31.519,0:11:35.760
high populations

0:11:33.360,0:11:38.640
and as a result of that they lost their

0:11:35.760,0:11:40.480
migratory instincts so now in new jersey

0:11:38.640,0:11:41.760
when the geese take up and take off and

0:11:40.480,0:11:43.600
they fly

0:11:41.760,0:11:45.200
they go off they fly around in circles

0:11:43.600,0:11:46.880
and they come back and the problem we

0:11:45.200,0:11:49.040
have is they keep

0:11:46.880,0:11:51.920
defiling where they land because they

0:11:49.040,0:11:54.800
poop all over the place

0:11:51.920,0:11:56.639
he didn’t like the fact that i was

0:11:54.800,0:11:59.600
giving him a factual answer to that

0:11:56.639,0:12:02.399
because he had this reality in mind

0:11:59.600,0:12:04.560
of this grand goose leading the rest of

0:12:02.399,0:12:05.839
the flock onto some promised land or

0:12:04.560,0:12:08.000
something like that

0:12:05.839,0:12:10.720
so he was in effect trying to gaslight

0:12:08.000,0:12:13.040
the entire company with this

0:12:10.720,0:12:14.959
image that he contrived

0:12:13.040,0:12:16.240
when everybody else who was from new

0:12:14.959,0:12:17.920
jersey

0:12:16.240,0:12:19.680
basically laughed at this guy because

0:12:17.920,0:12:21.680
they knew what the geese did and that

0:12:19.680,0:12:25.040
kind of described it to him he’s the new

0:12:21.680,0:12:26.880
jersey swans yes the new jersey swans

0:12:25.040,0:12:28.800
that’s what i call them now but you know

0:12:26.880,0:12:31.279
in new jersey they really are a problem

0:12:28.800,0:12:33.519
because they’re they’re defiling public

0:12:31.279,0:12:36.000
places you’ve got people that have

0:12:33.519,0:12:37.760
um dogs that professionally chase them

0:12:36.000,0:12:39.040
so for him to kind of gaslight the

0:12:37.760,0:12:40.320
company like that was kind of funny it

0:12:39.040,0:12:42.880
was a long drawn out way of kind of

0:12:40.320,0:12:44.639
getting to the point here but

0:12:42.880,0:12:47.279
he didn’t realize he was gaslighting the

0:12:44.639,0:12:49.839
company he basically had a he wanted to

0:12:47.279,0:12:51.680
be a inspirational poster and that’s

0:12:49.839,0:12:52.560
what he was

0:12:51.680,0:12:54.720
so

0:12:52.560,0:12:57.279
in him doing it he wasn’t trying to be

0:12:54.720,0:12:59.680
nefarious or manipulative or anything he

0:12:57.279,0:13:01.680
was trying to be inspirational

0:12:59.680,0:13:03.600
so it just goes to show you that

0:13:01.680,0:13:06.480
gaslighting isn’t always necessarily

0:13:03.600,0:13:08.639
done with negative intent yeah sometimes

0:13:06.480,0:13:10.880
people gaslight you to try to get you to

0:13:08.639,0:13:12.880
see their point of view

0:13:10.880,0:13:14.720
instead of trying to

0:13:12.880,0:13:16.720
wing you over to their side they try to

0:13:14.720,0:13:18.560
manipulate you to their side and that’s

0:13:16.720,0:13:21.279
kind of where it gets

0:13:18.560,0:13:24.240
kind of dangerous

0:13:21.279,0:13:27.040
so let’s talk about when and where does

0:13:24.240,0:13:28.959
gaslighting actually happen

0:13:27.040,0:13:30.560
so gaslighting actually happens in a

0:13:28.959,0:13:32.160
power dynamic

0:13:30.560,0:13:33.279
but it’s not always intentional or

0:13:32.160,0:13:36.000
malicious

0:13:33.279,0:13:37.680
the manipulator holds enough power

0:13:36.000,0:13:40.079
that the target of the gas lighting is

0:13:37.680,0:13:42.639
terrified to change up the relationship

0:13:40.079,0:13:44.560
or step out of the gaslighting dynamic

0:13:42.639,0:13:46.639
because of the threat of losing that

0:13:44.560,0:13:48.959
relationship or the threat

0:13:46.639,0:13:51.360
of being seen as less than who you want

0:13:48.959,0:13:54.079
to be seen as by them

0:13:51.360,0:13:56.079
it’s it’s a real threat to them

0:13:54.079,0:13:58.720
if it’s happening by someone you love

0:13:56.079,0:14:00.720
and care about like a spouse or a parent

0:13:58.720,0:14:01.839
you’re going to want to believe the

0:14:00.720,0:14:03.680
other person

0:14:01.839,0:14:05.120
and the gas letter may use that against

0:14:03.680,0:14:07.199
you

0:14:05.120,0:14:10.079
many people in this case the targets of

0:14:07.199,0:14:12.880
gaslighting change their perception in

0:14:10.079,0:14:14.800
order to avoid conflict

0:14:12.880,0:14:17.360
the guest letter doesn’t necessarily

0:14:14.800,0:14:19.360
need to be acting with malicious intent

0:14:17.360,0:14:21.360
nor does the gaslighter necessarily need

0:14:19.360,0:14:24.320
to realize that he or she is gaslighting

0:14:21.360,0:14:26.160
another person for it to be happening

0:14:24.320,0:14:27.600
kind of like you said with your example

0:14:26.160,0:14:29.440
right

0:14:27.600,0:14:30.800
it might be a result of how you were

0:14:29.440,0:14:34.720
raised

0:14:30.800,0:14:36.560
maybe your parents had very dry cut and

0:14:34.720,0:14:39.760
dry beliefs

0:14:36.560,0:14:42.480
and that certainty is how they and now

0:14:39.760,0:14:44.800
you see the world and when someone sees

0:14:42.480,0:14:46.880
things differently you assume something

0:14:44.800,0:14:48.720
is wrong with them

0:14:46.880,0:14:50.399
maybe you’re upset because you think

0:14:48.720,0:14:51.760
your boyfriend is always flirting with

0:14:50.399,0:14:53.760
other girls

0:14:51.760,0:14:55.760
what you don’t see is that it’s the

0:14:53.760,0:14:58.480
girls that are flirting with him but

0:14:55.760,0:15:00.800
he’s just being polite but your

0:14:58.480,0:15:02.240
worldview doesn’t allow you to question

0:15:00.800,0:15:04.000
that

0:15:02.240,0:15:06.240
to question that maybe you’re getting

0:15:04.000,0:15:08.320
the situation wrong

0:15:06.240,0:15:10.639
you make him think that you know way

0:15:08.320,0:15:13.680
more about relationships and there’s

0:15:10.639,0:15:16.720
something wrong with him that he’s not

0:15:13.680,0:15:18.880
able to see the error in his ways

0:15:16.720,0:15:20.560
maybe at first you don’t believe it but

0:15:18.880,0:15:22.240
over time you may come to think that

0:15:20.560,0:15:24.079
maybe he’s right

0:15:22.240,0:15:25.440
so the other interesting thing to look

0:15:24.079,0:15:26.880
at here

0:15:25.440,0:15:29.519
is

0:15:26.880,0:15:31.600
the dynamic of two people who don’t see

0:15:29.519,0:15:34.720
eye to eye

0:15:31.600,0:15:36.240
is usually the healthy situation is one

0:15:34.720,0:15:38.800
of debate

0:15:36.240,0:15:40.399
you and i debate often and it’s not

0:15:38.800,0:15:42.320
necessarily because we don’t see eye to

0:15:40.399,0:15:44.560
eye it’s because

0:15:42.320,0:15:47.279
one’s trying to educate the other and

0:15:44.560,0:15:50.160
one has questions about that

0:15:47.279,0:15:53.680
so what happens in in that situation is

0:15:50.160,0:15:55.519
i have my point of view you have yours

0:15:53.680,0:15:57.120
i make my points

0:15:55.519,0:15:59.839
you make yours

0:15:57.120,0:16:01.759
and then we provide counterpoints

0:15:59.839,0:16:04.240
and sometimes

0:16:01.759,0:16:06.000
we agree to disagree we don’t meet

0:16:04.240,0:16:09.279
on terms

0:16:06.000,0:16:11.120
other times you may sway me to your side

0:16:09.279,0:16:13.199
of the argument based on the point and

0:16:11.120,0:16:14.639
counterpoint discussion

0:16:13.199,0:16:17.120
but you’re not

0:16:14.639,0:16:19.360
manipulating me at that point yeah

0:16:17.120,0:16:20.839
you’re convincing me at that point

0:16:19.360,0:16:24.000
that’s the healthy

0:16:20.839,0:16:26.320
dynamic with gaslighting you simply

0:16:24.000,0:16:28.800
ignore what i’m saying and or you

0:16:26.320,0:16:31.360
pretend that what i’m saying is so

0:16:28.800,0:16:33.440
crazy and off the wall and unbelievable

0:16:31.360,0:16:34.639
that nobody would possibly think that

0:16:33.440,0:16:37.040
way

0:16:34.639,0:16:38.639
and in a way you dismiss my thought my

0:16:37.040,0:16:41.440
point of view

0:16:38.639,0:16:43.759
and you you do it in such a way

0:16:41.440,0:16:45.680
that i start to question my own view

0:16:43.759,0:16:47.120
like wow maybe she’s right maybe i am

0:16:45.680,0:16:48.560
crazy maybe i don’t know what i’m

0:16:47.120,0:16:50.800
talking about

0:16:48.560,0:16:53.040
maybe what she’s saying is right

0:16:50.800,0:16:55.440
then you’re manipulating me

0:16:53.040,0:16:58.079
you’re not convincing me yeah so that’s

0:16:55.440,0:17:00.480
where that fine line really is

0:16:58.079,0:17:02.320
so if anyone tries to do that to you if

0:17:00.480,0:17:03.680
they’re dismissing your point of view if

0:17:02.320,0:17:05.039
they don’t want to listen to your point

0:17:03.680,0:17:07.839
of view

0:17:05.039,0:17:09.839
if every counterpoint they have

0:17:07.839,0:17:12.240
is not supporting their argument but

0:17:09.839,0:17:14.240
shooting down yours then they’re trying

0:17:12.240,0:17:17.280
to gaslight you

0:17:14.240,0:17:18.720
and it’s important to remember that okay

0:17:17.280,0:17:21.120
so let’s take a quick break and we’ll

0:17:18.720,0:17:23.300
come back and we’ll talk about how

0:17:21.120,0:17:29.920
gaslighting actually happens all right

0:17:23.300,0:17:29.920
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0:17:31.520,0:17:37.280
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at http://www.the2ndsithempire.com

0:18:28.570,0:18:37.120
[Music]

0:18:33.679,0:18:38.880
so how does gaslighting happen

0:18:37.120,0:18:41.440
according to the national domestic

0:18:38.880,0:18:43.360
violence hotlines fact sheet

0:18:41.440,0:18:45.120
the techniques a gas lighter might use

0:18:43.360,0:18:46.160
to manipulate someone can include the

0:18:45.120,0:18:47.760
following

0:18:46.160,0:18:50.320
withholding

0:18:47.760,0:18:52.960
this is when he or she refuses to listen

0:18:50.320,0:18:54.960
or says they don’t understand

0:18:52.960,0:18:56.640
there’s also countering

0:18:54.960,0:18:59.360
when the abuser questions the

0:18:56.640,0:19:01.280
gaslighting member guest leite’s memory

0:18:59.360,0:19:03.520
of an event

0:19:01.280,0:19:06.480
there’s blocking or diverting when the

0:19:03.520,0:19:08.720
abuser changes the subject or questions

0:19:06.480,0:19:10.960
the victim’s thinking

0:19:08.720,0:19:13.280
then we have trivializing

0:19:10.960,0:19:15.280
making the victims needs or feelings

0:19:13.280,0:19:18.799
seem unimportant

0:19:15.280,0:19:20.720
and finally we have forgetting or denial

0:19:18.799,0:19:23.200
when the manipulator pretends to have

0:19:20.720,0:19:25.360
forgotten what actually happened or deny

0:19:23.200,0:19:27.120
something he or she had previously

0:19:25.360,0:19:28.880
agreed to

0:19:27.120,0:19:31.360
and note that a gaslighter will

0:19:28.880,0:19:32.480
oftentimes start with something that is

0:19:31.360,0:19:34.640
true

0:19:32.480,0:19:36.960
that you might be particularly sensitive

0:19:34.640,0:19:39.840
about in order to hook you

0:19:36.960,0:19:41.360
a co-worker for example who tries to

0:19:39.840,0:19:43.039
convince you that you’re not pulling

0:19:41.360,0:19:44.400
your weight in the office

0:19:43.039,0:19:46.720
might bring up the fact that you

0:19:44.400,0:19:48.960
complain all the time about being tired

0:19:46.720,0:19:51.039
because of your kids

0:19:48.960,0:19:52.799
you may be feeling tired because your

0:19:51.039,0:19:54.000
kids have activities that require your

0:19:52.799,0:19:56.160
attention

0:19:54.000,0:19:58.640
and that co-worker may have heard you

0:19:56.160,0:20:00.880
complaining about it once or twice

0:19:58.640,0:20:03.120
but that doesn’t necessarily mean that

0:20:00.880,0:20:04.400
your performance is changing because of

0:20:03.120,0:20:06.559
it

0:20:04.400,0:20:09.039
so now we’re to look at signs that

0:20:06.559,0:20:11.039
you’re a victim of gaslighting

0:20:09.039,0:20:13.200
so look for these warning signs and red

0:20:11.039,0:20:17.120
flags that this type of abuse might be

0:20:13.200,0:20:18.799
happening to you or someone you know

0:20:17.120,0:20:20.480
you’re constantly second guessing

0:20:18.799,0:20:23.120
yourself or have trouble making

0:20:20.480,0:20:23.120
decisions

0:20:23.840,0:20:27.520
you’re

0:20:24.720,0:20:30.000
ruminating ruminating about a perceived

0:20:27.520,0:20:32.159
character flaw like being too sensitive

0:20:30.000,0:20:33.200
or not good enough or not a good enough

0:20:32.159,0:20:34.559
person

0:20:33.200,0:20:36.400
you feel confused about your

0:20:34.559,0:20:38.400
relationship if you find yourself

0:20:36.400,0:20:40.400
thinking i thought i had this great

0:20:38.400,0:20:42.880
husband but i just feel crazy all the

0:20:40.400,0:20:44.880
time or i thought i had this charming

0:20:42.880,0:20:49.000
partner but then sometimes i feel like

0:20:44.880,0:20:49.000
i’m losing it when we’re together

0:20:49.280,0:20:52.559
in a

0:20:50.159,0:20:55.039
confrontation with the person that might

0:20:52.559,0:20:56.640
be gaslighting you you feel like you’re

0:20:55.039,0:20:59.200
you suddenly find yourself in an

0:20:56.640,0:21:01.360
argument you don’t intend to have

0:20:59.200,0:21:03.679
you’re not making progress or you’re

0:21:01.360,0:21:06.799
saying or you’re saying the same thing

0:21:03.679,0:21:08.880
over and over again and not being heard

0:21:06.799,0:21:11.120
you feel fuzzy or unclear about your

0:21:08.880,0:21:13.600
thoughts feelings or beliefs you’re

0:21:11.120,0:21:15.440
always apologizing you’re frequently

0:21:13.600,0:21:16.880
making excuses for your partner’s

0:21:15.440,0:21:18.960
behavior

0:21:16.880,0:21:21.039
you can’t always understand why you’re

0:21:18.960,0:21:23.679
not happy you can’t understand why

0:21:21.039,0:21:25.760
you’re not happy in your own life

0:21:23.679,0:21:27.760
you know something is wrong but you just

0:21:25.760,0:21:29.120
don’t know what

0:21:27.760,0:21:31.200
so

0:21:29.120,0:21:33.679
an interesting indication if you’re

0:21:31.200,0:21:35.760
being gaslighted

0:21:33.679,0:21:38.400
is that you’re generally not happy with

0:21:35.760,0:21:40.320
the situation yeah and

0:21:38.400,0:21:41.919
and that’s how the gaslighter kind of

0:21:40.320,0:21:44.080
gets to you

0:21:41.919,0:21:46.159
and they they make you question yourself

0:21:44.080,0:21:47.760
they make you question your thoughts and

0:21:46.159,0:21:48.640
your judgment

0:21:47.760,0:21:51.760
and

0:21:48.640,0:21:54.080
they set you up for a lack of

0:21:51.760,0:21:56.480
self-confidence

0:21:54.080,0:21:59.200
and then once they’ve they’ve kind of

0:21:56.480,0:22:01.360
bored this hole into your psyche

0:21:59.200,0:22:03.120
they then pour themselves into that with

0:22:01.360,0:22:05.840
their own thoughts and their own ideas

0:22:03.120,0:22:09.280
and they try to think for you

0:22:05.840,0:22:11.520
that’s really what gas lighting is yeah

0:22:09.280,0:22:14.000
and it’s kind of a slippery slope

0:22:11.520,0:22:16.159
because once someone starts to gaslight

0:22:14.000,0:22:17.840
you and they see the control that they

0:22:16.159,0:22:19.280
have

0:22:17.840,0:22:21.039
they’re more likely to take it even

0:22:19.280,0:22:23.360
further

0:22:21.039,0:22:25.679
it’s kind of like that old adage that

0:22:23.360,0:22:27.600
power corrupts ultimate power corrupts

0:22:25.679,0:22:29.280
ultimately

0:22:27.600,0:22:30.960
the more power you have over someone the

0:22:29.280,0:22:31.760
more power you want

0:22:30.960,0:22:35.120
yeah

0:22:31.760,0:22:36.960
and sadly that’s just human nature

0:22:35.120,0:22:39.120
so someone may not start out with the

0:22:36.960,0:22:40.640
intent of doing that they may start out

0:22:39.120,0:22:42.240
with the intent of

0:22:40.640,0:22:44.159
debating you

0:22:42.240,0:22:46.000
and when they see that you’re not coming

0:22:44.159,0:22:48.320
around to their point of view

0:22:46.000,0:22:51.520
then they may switch to some of the the

0:22:48.320,0:22:52.880
later gaslighting techniques

0:22:51.520,0:22:54.400
not listening to your side of the

0:22:52.880,0:22:56.480
argument

0:22:54.400,0:22:58.159
so that all you hear is them talking

0:22:56.480,0:23:00.000
over you

0:22:58.159,0:23:02.640
then they may go to something a little

0:23:00.000,0:23:04.720
bit deeper and have you know start

0:23:02.640,0:23:06.480
having you question your own thoughts in

0:23:04.720,0:23:08.559
your own argument

0:23:06.480,0:23:09.600
and ultimately their goal is to win the

0:23:08.559,0:23:12.480
argument

0:23:09.600,0:23:15.120
but in the process of doing that

0:23:12.480,0:23:17.440
they wind up manipulating you

0:23:15.120,0:23:19.039
and then once they’ve manipulated you

0:23:17.440,0:23:20.159
the next time they want you to do

0:23:19.039,0:23:21.520
something

0:23:20.159,0:23:23.120
they’ve already got you on the hook for

0:23:21.520,0:23:25.200
it and that’s the first technique that

0:23:23.120,0:23:28.400
they go for

0:23:25.200,0:23:30.880
so it’s kind of a dangerous thing and

0:23:28.400,0:23:32.880
i know this is kind of a odd topic for

0:23:30.880,0:23:34.240
us to be discussing

0:23:32.880,0:23:35.840
the reason i

0:23:34.240,0:23:38.880
wanted to bring it up

0:23:35.840,0:23:41.679
is it’s prevalent in today’s society

0:23:38.880,0:23:43.760
and it’s something that is all over

0:23:41.679,0:23:46.000
social media

0:23:43.760,0:23:48.159
you see all this

0:23:46.000,0:23:50.240
false information

0:23:48.159,0:23:52.320
to the point you know let’s talk about

0:23:50.240,0:23:54.320
vaccines for instance

0:23:52.320,0:23:56.320
you have all this information out there

0:23:54.320,0:23:57.919
that’s

0:23:56.320,0:24:00.159
all these sources that are producing

0:23:57.919,0:24:03.200
false information about vaccines and

0:24:00.159,0:24:04.799
statistics and all this stuff

0:24:03.200,0:24:06.559
and it’s to the point now that you

0:24:04.799,0:24:08.880
actually have some of the social media

0:24:06.559,0:24:11.279
sites are actually finally cracking down

0:24:08.880,0:24:14.000
on this and and banning it

0:24:11.279,0:24:16.240
but all of those

0:24:14.000,0:24:18.640
fake things that you see out there are

0:24:16.240,0:24:20.320
attempts at gaslighting

0:24:18.640,0:24:21.440
you know people are trying to push an

0:24:20.320,0:24:24.320
agenda

0:24:21.440,0:24:26.720
that is

0:24:24.320,0:24:28.720
in many cases not backed by science or

0:24:26.720,0:24:29.679
facts

0:24:28.720,0:24:31.360
but

0:24:29.679,0:24:32.799
it’s their agenda and they want to push

0:24:31.360,0:24:34.159
it or they’re pushing it for someone

0:24:32.799,0:24:36.799
else

0:24:34.159,0:24:39.039
and because it’s not

0:24:36.799,0:24:42.159
solid factual information they couldn’t

0:24:39.039,0:24:43.840
possibly win that argument in a debate

0:24:42.159,0:24:46.320
yeah so they have to resort to

0:24:43.840,0:24:49.200
gaslighting you and manipulating you to

0:24:46.320,0:24:49.200
see their way

0:24:49.360,0:24:54.799
so what are your thoughts on

0:24:52.960,0:24:57.200
in general

0:24:54.799,0:24:59.200
debating and and winning how important

0:24:57.200,0:25:00.720
is it for you to win a debate or an

0:24:59.200,0:25:02.960
argument

0:25:00.720,0:25:05.279
when you engage with someone

0:25:02.960,0:25:06.000
i don’t necessarily feel like i

0:25:05.279,0:25:08.240
like

0:25:06.000,0:25:11.919
want to win the argument

0:25:08.240,0:25:15.679
unless i feel that the other person’s

0:25:11.919,0:25:17.520
argument isn’t necessarily

0:25:15.679,0:25:18.960
i guess morally

0:25:17.520,0:25:20.320
all right or

0:25:18.960,0:25:21.520
something that i feel like could be

0:25:20.320,0:25:23.200
dangerous

0:25:21.520,0:25:24.880
yeah and that makes perfect sense that

0:25:23.200,0:25:27.200
you’re trying to stop them from hurting

0:25:24.880,0:25:29.360
themselves or hurting someone else yeah

0:25:27.200,0:25:31.120
and like i have no problem with debating

0:25:29.360,0:25:33.679
i honestly kind of like hearing other

0:25:31.120,0:25:36.880
people’s perspective on things and it

0:25:33.679,0:25:38.320
kind of makes me question my own uh

0:25:36.880,0:25:40.720
thoughts in

0:25:38.320,0:25:43.039
a good way yeah like

0:25:40.720,0:25:44.960
like maybe i was thinking maybe i could

0:25:43.039,0:25:46.080
find a new perspective on this that’s

0:25:44.960,0:25:47.440
kind of

0:25:46.080,0:25:49.679
what i

0:25:47.440,0:25:52.480
normally think about when i debate

0:25:49.679,0:25:54.400
that’s what i feel debating is it’s like

0:25:52.480,0:25:55.279
sharing your perspectives and kind of

0:25:54.400,0:25:58.240
like

0:25:55.279,0:26:00.240
debating about them and you know taking

0:25:58.240,0:26:02.400
some information and stuff

0:26:00.240,0:26:04.640
debating for me has always been an

0:26:02.400,0:26:06.799
educational experience

0:26:04.640,0:26:08.840
and a lot of times i used to write a

0:26:06.799,0:26:10.559
blog years ago

0:26:08.840,0:26:12.400
and

0:26:10.559,0:26:15.919
one of the things that i would do in

0:26:12.400,0:26:15.919
that blog is i would

0:26:16.000,0:26:19.840
not debate necessarily but i would

0:26:17.840,0:26:22.799
advocate a point of view that i didn’t

0:26:19.840,0:26:25.279
necessarily agree with

0:26:22.799,0:26:26.400
but i would advocate that point of view

0:26:25.279,0:26:28.400
because

0:26:26.400,0:26:31.440
in writing the blog

0:26:28.400,0:26:33.919
it made me do the research and it made

0:26:31.440,0:26:35.520
me put myself in the mindset

0:26:33.919,0:26:39.360
of somebody who thought different than

0:26:35.520,0:26:41.039
me and in doing that it allowed me to

0:26:39.360,0:26:42.960
see the issue

0:26:41.039,0:26:45.679
from the other side

0:26:42.960,0:26:47.919
and after doing that i didn’t always

0:26:45.679,0:26:49.760
see it and understand it and agree with

0:26:47.919,0:26:52.159
it from their perspective

0:26:49.760,0:26:55.200
but it gave me a new appreciation and a

0:26:52.159,0:26:57.200
new respect for that perspective

0:26:55.200,0:26:59.279
and anytime i debate someone that’s what

0:26:57.200,0:27:00.400
it brings forth with me like i’m i’m

0:26:59.279,0:27:03.600
involved in

0:27:00.400,0:27:07.360
twitter and a few other social media

0:27:03.600,0:27:09.120
and i get into political debates because

0:27:07.360,0:27:10.480
you can’t avoid it because social media

0:27:09.120,0:27:12.080
is a cesspool when it comes to that

0:27:10.480,0:27:14.480
stuff yeah

0:27:12.080,0:27:15.679
and there’s one particular individual on

0:27:14.480,0:27:18.000
there who

0:27:15.679,0:27:21.919
is diametrically opposed to me from a

0:27:18.000,0:27:23.760
philosophical standpoint on everything

0:27:21.919,0:27:25.520
and there are times that he’ll make a

0:27:23.760,0:27:29.279
comment and i’ll

0:27:25.520,0:27:31.120
re respond to it with my point of view

0:27:29.279,0:27:33.120
and we’ll go back and forth and debate

0:27:31.120,0:27:34.480
and debate and debate

0:27:33.120,0:27:36.240
and

0:27:34.480,0:27:37.679
finally get to the point

0:27:36.240,0:27:41.360
where

0:27:37.679,0:27:43.600
we’ll concede certain points of view

0:27:41.360,0:27:45.840
where i’ll kind of agree with him but

0:27:43.600,0:27:47.840
not entirely so you gotta you got a

0:27:45.840,0:27:49.919
valid point there but look at it from my

0:27:47.840,0:27:51.039
perspective and he will

0:27:49.919,0:27:53.279
and

0:27:51.039,0:27:56.320
eventually

0:27:53.279,0:27:58.320
we almost always get to the point

0:27:56.320,0:28:01.039
where

0:27:58.320,0:28:03.760
we’re amicable about it

0:28:01.039,0:28:06.720
and for me that’s a refreshing thing

0:28:03.760,0:28:10.320
on social media because there’s so much

0:28:06.720,0:28:12.159
toxicity on social media right now yeah

0:28:10.320,0:28:14.320
it’s to the point that if you don’t

0:28:12.159,0:28:16.720
agree with me then you’re against me and

0:28:14.320,0:28:18.880
i hate you for it yeah and that hatred

0:28:16.720,0:28:20.559
just boils over in

0:28:18.880,0:28:22.640
social media

0:28:20.559,0:28:24.080
so this debate partner that i happen to

0:28:22.640,0:28:27.440
have is really

0:28:24.080,0:28:30.399
a great exercise for me to have that

0:28:27.440,0:28:32.240
opposite perspective on things because

0:28:30.399,0:28:33.840
it helps to ground me because sometimes

0:28:32.240,0:28:35.840
i get a little self-righteous sometimes

0:28:33.840,0:28:38.640
i get up on my soapbox

0:28:35.840,0:28:40.880
and i’ll put an argument out there that

0:28:38.640,0:28:42.559
is more emotional than factual

0:28:40.880,0:28:44.799
and he’ll he’ll back me down he’ll call

0:28:42.559,0:28:46.240
me on a carpet on it and and back me

0:28:44.799,0:28:48.559
down and i’ll

0:28:46.240,0:28:50.559
i’ll realize where where the holes in my

0:28:48.559,0:28:52.640
argument are and it helps me to refine

0:28:50.559,0:28:55.120
my point of view

0:28:52.640,0:28:57.279
and it helps me to appreciate his so

0:28:55.120,0:29:01.840
debate is a good thing and i think the

0:28:57.279,0:29:03.679
people who gaslight inadvertently

0:29:01.840,0:29:06.000
fail to see that and they fail to see

0:29:03.679,0:29:07.840
the benefit of it yeah

0:29:06.000,0:29:09.360
it’s not about getting the world to see

0:29:07.840,0:29:10.399
your point of view

0:29:09.360,0:29:14.960
everyone’s going to have a different

0:29:10.399,0:29:17.360
point of view it’s about being able to

0:29:14.960,0:29:19.440
find common ground

0:29:17.360,0:29:20.880
and regardless of how diametrically i

0:29:19.440,0:29:22.559
may be opposed to somebody else’s

0:29:20.880,0:29:25.760
philosophy

0:29:22.559,0:29:27.840
there’s always common ground

0:29:25.760,0:29:29.840
just have to find it

0:29:27.840,0:29:31.919
and you’re not going to do that through

0:29:29.840,0:29:34.480
gas lighting and manipulation yeah

0:29:31.919,0:29:36.880
that’s that’s kind of my point to that

0:29:34.480,0:29:38.880
do that um

0:29:36.880,0:29:40.399
let’s take another break and we’re going

0:29:38.880,0:29:43.120
to come back and talk about what to do

0:29:40.399,0:29:44.600
if somebody is gaslighting you alrighty

0:29:43.120,0:29:52.799
we’ll be right back

0:29:44.600,0:29:55.200
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[Music]

0:30:54.720,0:30:59.600
welcome back to insects in the teens

0:30:56.640,0:31:01.120
today we’re talking about gaslighting

0:30:59.600,0:31:05.039
and now we’re going to talk about what

0:31:01.120,0:31:07.200
to do if someone is gaslighting you

0:31:05.039,0:31:09.279
so the first thing we have here is

0:31:07.200,0:31:11.360
identify the problem

0:31:09.279,0:31:12.960
recognizing the problem is the first

0:31:11.360,0:31:15.600
step

0:31:12.960,0:31:18.080
once something has a name you can begin

0:31:15.600,0:31:20.880
to address it specifically

0:31:18.080,0:31:22.640
sometimes writing down specifics from a

0:31:20.880,0:31:25.360
conversation

0:31:22.640,0:31:27.200
that can that you can look back to later

0:31:25.360,0:31:28.480
when you’re out of the

0:31:27.200,0:31:29.519
when you’re out of the heat of the

0:31:28.480,0:31:32.480
moment

0:31:29.519,0:31:34.159
can be helpful in sorting out the truth

0:31:32.480,0:31:36.880
from disorder

0:31:34.159,0:31:36.880
distortion

0:31:36.960,0:31:40.320
give yourself permission to feel what

0:31:38.880,0:31:42.399
you feel

0:31:40.320,0:31:44.240
part of the problem with gaslighting is

0:31:42.399,0:31:47.039
that it results in the victim

0:31:44.240,0:31:50.080
questioning his or her own thoughts

0:31:47.039,0:31:52.399
values perceptions or feelings

0:31:50.080,0:31:55.600
acknowledge that what you feel is what

0:31:52.399,0:31:59.360
you feel so that you can take whatever

0:31:55.600,0:32:01.200
action you need to take to feel better

0:31:59.360,0:32:03.279
give yourself permission to make a

0:32:01.200,0:32:04.159
sacrifice

0:32:03.279,0:32:06.240
part

0:32:04.159,0:32:08.559
part of what makes it

0:32:06.240,0:32:11.760
really sorry

0:32:08.559,0:32:11.760
no one saw that so

0:32:12.559,0:32:16.880
part of what makes it tough for a victim

0:32:14.480,0:32:19.279
to leave a gaslight situation is that

0:32:16.880,0:32:21.200
the abuser is someone they care about

0:32:19.279,0:32:22.960
they look up to or they have a

0:32:21.200,0:32:25.200
relationship with

0:32:22.960,0:32:27.519
you may have a lot of wonderful things

0:32:25.200,0:32:29.679
going on in that relationship but it’s

0:32:27.519,0:32:31.039
not worth it if it’s undermining your

0:32:29.679,0:32:33.279
reality

0:32:31.039,0:32:35.760
to start to regain your sense of self

0:32:33.279,0:32:37.360
that you’ve lost you may need to cut

0:32:35.760,0:32:40.720
that person off

0:32:37.360,0:32:43.600
give up some of the wonderful things

0:32:40.720,0:32:46.000
or live with that person not having such

0:32:43.600,0:32:47.760
a high opinion of you

0:32:46.000,0:32:51.760
so you start with

0:32:47.760,0:32:54.720
as with most things with small decisions

0:32:51.760,0:32:57.840
try to get out of or stop a gaslight

0:32:54.720,0:32:58.720
take a step one step at a time and say

0:32:57.840,0:33:00.559
no

0:32:58.720,0:33:02.399
don’t engage in an argument that’s

0:33:00.559,0:33:04.559
clearly a power struggle

0:33:02.399,0:33:07.200
sometimes it’s hard to recognize those

0:33:04.559,0:33:09.440
yeah get a second opinion

0:33:07.200,0:33:10.559
ask a friend or family family member you

0:33:09.440,0:33:13.039
trust

0:33:10.559,0:33:16.640
if they think your thinking is as off as

0:33:13.039,0:33:18.720
your potential abuser says it is

0:33:16.640,0:33:20.880
have compassion for you

0:33:18.720,0:33:22.960
having compassion for yourself

0:33:20.880,0:33:25.360
is very important

0:33:22.960,0:33:27.919
you are responsible for you

0:33:25.360,0:33:30.000
you need to be honest with yourself

0:33:27.919,0:33:32.240
maybe tomorrow your partner will be

0:33:30.000,0:33:33.679
great but focus on what you’re feeling

0:33:32.240,0:33:37.360
in the moment

0:33:33.679,0:33:38.480
recognize when you have those feelings

0:33:37.360,0:33:41.200
so

0:33:38.480,0:33:44.000
i mean these are some very basic things

0:33:41.200,0:33:45.919
to do but i think

0:33:44.000,0:33:48.480
the most important thing here is to

0:33:45.919,0:33:50.559
recognize when it’s happening yeah you

0:33:48.480,0:33:53.679
know recognize how it’s making you feel

0:33:50.559,0:33:55.360
any time anybody makes you feel bad

0:33:53.679,0:33:57.039
about yourself

0:33:55.360,0:33:59.360
you really have to question that

0:33:57.039,0:34:01.840
relationship

0:33:59.360,0:34:02.720
um have you ever had a situation where

0:34:01.840,0:34:05.760
people

0:34:02.720,0:34:07.600
or a friend or someone

0:34:05.760,0:34:08.960
made you feel bad about yourself for any

0:34:07.600,0:34:09.380
reason

0:34:08.960,0:34:12.449
um

0:34:09.380,0:34:12.449
[Music]

0:34:13.280,0:34:17.919
i mean

0:34:15.520,0:34:21.280
the few times it did happen

0:34:17.919,0:34:23.839
um we did kind of

0:34:21.280,0:34:29.040
find the error of our ways and we were

0:34:23.839,0:34:29.040
able to be friends again right um

0:34:30.639,0:34:32.879
um

0:34:31.679,0:34:34.879
probably

0:34:32.879,0:34:37.359
the

0:34:34.879,0:34:40.159
i’ve never had like a necessarily toxic

0:34:37.359,0:34:42.320
relationship to the point where like

0:34:40.159,0:34:44.320
someone outright said something that

0:34:42.320,0:34:45.919
hurt my feelings or made me feel bad

0:34:44.320,0:34:49.119
about myself

0:34:45.919,0:34:51.679
um i have lost touch with people for

0:34:49.119,0:34:53.440
various reasons um but

0:34:51.679,0:34:55.679
i don’t think it was necessarily like a

0:34:53.440,0:34:57.599
toxic relationship

0:34:55.679,0:35:00.320
well and the thing is a lot of times

0:34:57.599,0:35:03.040
when that sort of thing happens

0:35:00.320,0:35:05.839
it’s not done intentionally or

0:35:03.040,0:35:07.599
maliciously a lot of times when

0:35:05.839,0:35:09.280
somebody says something or does

0:35:07.599,0:35:11.599
something

0:35:09.280,0:35:13.440
it’s an inadvertent thing it’s an

0:35:11.599,0:35:16.240
inadvertent consequence

0:35:13.440,0:35:17.680
you know you may say something in the

0:35:16.240,0:35:19.839
heat of the moment because you’re

0:35:17.680,0:35:20.960
agitated or you’re upset or you’re

0:35:19.839,0:35:22.960
annoyed

0:35:20.960,0:35:24.240
or you’re not in a state of mind where

0:35:22.960,0:35:26.000
you’re normally

0:35:24.240,0:35:27.599
calm and collected

0:35:26.000,0:35:30.800
and you say something and the other

0:35:27.599,0:35:32.960
person gets upset by that they may not

0:35:30.800,0:35:34.480
know that you’re agitated and they may

0:35:32.960,0:35:37.680
think that you’re being malicious and

0:35:34.480,0:35:40.160
then it spirals out of control yeah

0:35:37.680,0:35:42.400
and when something like that happens

0:35:40.160,0:35:44.480
somebody has to sort of

0:35:42.400,0:35:48.320
put the brakes on

0:35:44.480,0:35:50.079
stop apologize get to the bottom of it

0:35:48.320,0:35:51.359
and say look you know this is this was

0:35:50.079,0:35:52.560
not

0:35:51.359,0:35:54.640
meant to be

0:35:52.560,0:35:56.720
mean or malicious

0:35:54.640,0:35:59.520
it may be a simple you know i may come

0:35:56.720,0:36:00.720
home and have a rough day at work

0:35:59.520,0:36:03.040
and

0:36:00.720,0:36:05.119
i may be short with mommy

0:36:03.040,0:36:07.680
and mommy fortunately mommy knows me

0:36:05.119,0:36:11.280
well enough and i know her well enough

0:36:07.680,0:36:13.119
that when we’re in that agitated state

0:36:11.280,0:36:15.280
the other can tell

0:36:13.119,0:36:18.000
and like i’ll when mommy’s like that

0:36:15.280,0:36:20.240
okay so when mommy’s like that

0:36:18.000,0:36:22.000
i’ll try to

0:36:20.240,0:36:24.000
get her out of that mood

0:36:22.000,0:36:26.400
and i’ll joke and i’ll poke fun and

0:36:24.000,0:36:28.480
stuff like this to kind of try to

0:36:26.400,0:36:32.400
snap her out of that and in doing that

0:36:28.480,0:36:33.359
sometimes i push the wrong button

0:36:32.400,0:36:35.920
and

0:36:33.359,0:36:37.920
when i do i i’m

0:36:35.920,0:36:40.640
fortunately intelligent enough to read

0:36:37.920,0:36:43.359
that reaction and back off

0:36:40.640,0:36:44.960
i give her space she cools off and then

0:36:43.359,0:36:46.960
we come back

0:36:44.960,0:36:49.119
and mommy does the same for me usually

0:36:46.960,0:36:50.960
mommy’s not

0:36:49.119,0:36:52.839
in any jeopardy of pushing those buttons

0:36:50.960,0:36:57.520
with me now she’s using a little bit

0:36:52.839,0:36:57.520
more um sensitive and

0:36:58.079,0:37:01.599
she’s better at that than i am let me

0:36:59.680,0:37:02.640
just put it that way yeah

0:37:01.599,0:37:04.720
but

0:37:02.640,0:37:06.960
we’ve been together for

0:37:04.720,0:37:08.960
a long time now longer than you’ve been

0:37:06.960,0:37:09.760
alive actually yeah

0:37:08.960,0:37:12.079
so

0:37:09.760,0:37:14.000
we kind of know each other but i have

0:37:12.079,0:37:15.119
this sort of thing with people at work

0:37:14.000,0:37:16.880
frequently

0:37:15.119,0:37:19.040
i just had an incident with my boss at

0:37:16.880,0:37:20.720
work where

0:37:19.040,0:37:22.720
my intention

0:37:20.720,0:37:26.000
was to try to

0:37:22.720,0:37:27.359
point out a potential concern i had in a

0:37:26.000,0:37:30.000
thing at work

0:37:27.359,0:37:31.520
and it was misinterpreted as something

0:37:30.000,0:37:32.880
completely different and the person

0:37:31.520,0:37:35.680
reacted

0:37:32.880,0:37:37.520
in a way that i wasn’t expecting

0:37:35.680,0:37:39.040
and i kind of

0:37:37.520,0:37:41.440
read that at that point and said all

0:37:39.040,0:37:44.800
right i’m going to back off

0:37:41.440,0:37:46.800
peace offering hands up i surrender

0:37:44.800,0:37:49.280
let’s just you know start this over

0:37:46.800,0:37:51.760
again it was never my intention for for

0:37:49.280,0:37:53.040
for it to get to that point

0:37:51.760,0:37:53.839
um

0:37:53.040,0:37:56.240
and

0:37:53.839,0:37:58.720
it may have been

0:37:56.240,0:38:00.480
she was having a bad day that day

0:37:58.720,0:38:02.400
maybe she had an argument with her

0:38:00.480,0:38:04.640
husband maybe

0:38:02.400,0:38:07.200
she had a unruly customer she was

0:38:04.640,0:38:10.320
dealing with i don’t know

0:38:07.200,0:38:11.440
so i can’t jump to conclusions

0:38:10.320,0:38:13.839
so i kind of have to give her the

0:38:11.440,0:38:15.359
benefit of the doubt there

0:38:13.839,0:38:16.960
and

0:38:15.359,0:38:18.640
what happens with the gas lighting is

0:38:16.960,0:38:21.680
gas letters see that and then they

0:38:18.640,0:38:24.240
switch into this manipulative mode

0:38:21.680,0:38:25.359
and they don’t read the signs

0:38:24.240,0:38:28.320
and they don’t

0:38:25.359,0:38:30.400
do things in a constructive way

0:38:28.320,0:38:32.960
so that’s really

0:38:30.400,0:38:34.560
what you have to be on the lookout for

0:38:32.960,0:38:36.320
and anytime that you’re in a

0:38:34.560,0:38:38.160
relationship whether it’s

0:38:36.320,0:38:39.359
professional whether it’s a loved one

0:38:38.160,0:38:41.280
whether it’s

0:38:39.359,0:38:44.160
somebody you’re dating

0:38:41.280,0:38:46.720
if they make you feel bad about yourself

0:38:44.160,0:38:48.240
for any reason

0:38:46.720,0:38:51.200
you have to question that relationship

0:38:48.240,0:38:53.200
you don’t question yourself

0:38:51.200,0:38:54.560
because

0:38:53.200,0:38:57.119
at no point in time should that

0:38:54.560,0:38:58.800
relationship dynamic be one where

0:38:57.119,0:39:00.640
they should be making you feel bad about

0:38:58.800,0:39:02.160
yourself

0:39:00.640,0:39:05.280
so you’re gonna question anything

0:39:02.160,0:39:07.040
question the relationship first

0:39:05.280,0:39:08.480
and that should lead you down the right

0:39:07.040,0:39:10.560
path

0:39:08.480,0:39:12.960
to stop that gaslighting

0:39:10.560,0:39:16.000
okay all right

0:39:12.960,0:39:18.320
that’s about all we had today uh let’s

0:39:16.000,0:39:19.839
take a very quick break we’ll come back

0:39:18.320,0:39:21.440
we’ll get your closing thoughts and then

0:39:19.839,0:39:22.800
we’ll finish up with the business of the

0:39:21.440,0:39:24.630
podcast

0:39:22.800,0:39:29.599
we’ll be right back

0:39:24.630,0:39:32.160
[Music]

0:39:29.599,0:39:35.040
go with your closing thoughts alrighty

0:39:32.160,0:39:35.920
so to everyone out there i just wanted

0:39:35.040,0:39:38.000
to

0:39:35.920,0:39:40.240
reiterate the fact that a lot of the

0:39:38.000,0:39:42.720
times gaslighting

0:39:40.240,0:39:45.119
is never a good thing and

0:39:42.720,0:39:47.520
i hope that if anything that’s podcast

0:39:45.119,0:39:49.119
helped you kind of realize or

0:39:47.520,0:39:50.880
get a better definition of what it

0:39:49.119,0:39:53.599
really is so that

0:39:50.880,0:39:56.240
in your life uh whether it be in the

0:39:53.599,0:39:58.800
media or with your own relationships you

0:39:56.240,0:40:01.520
can recognize when gaslighting or when

0:39:58.800,0:40:03.680
you’re being gaslighted and help and

0:40:01.520,0:40:05.760
hopefully put a stop to it so that you

0:40:03.680,0:40:08.400
don’t have to deal with it excellent

0:40:05.760,0:40:10.960
sage advice as always thank you

0:40:08.400,0:40:12.480
before we go i do want to once again uh

0:40:10.960,0:40:14.079
remind you that if you want to subscribe

0:40:12.480,0:40:16.160
to this podcast

0:40:14.079,0:40:18.000
you can find us listed as insights into

0:40:16.160,0:40:20.880
things for audio

0:40:18.000,0:40:24.319
all the networks podcast can be found on

0:40:20.880,0:40:26.720
video listed as insights into things

0:40:24.319,0:40:28.720
we’re available on apple podcast spotify

0:40:26.720,0:40:30.319
google stitcher i heart radio and pretty

0:40:28.720,0:40:31.839
much anywhere you can get a podcast

0:40:30.319,0:40:34.720
these days

0:40:31.839,0:40:35.920
i would also invite you to write in give

0:40:34.720,0:40:38.160
us your feedback give us your

0:40:35.920,0:40:41.920
suggestions for shows you can email us

0:40:38.160,0:40:43.680
at comments insights into things.com

0:40:41.920,0:40:46.000
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0:40:43.680,0:40:47.760
you can dm us on twitter at insights

0:40:46.000,0:40:49.839
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0:40:47.760,0:40:52.880
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0:40:49.839,0:40:55.280
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0:40:52.880,0:40:57.520
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0:40:55.280,0:41:01.040
we do stream five days a week on twitch

0:40:57.520,0:41:02.720
at twitch.tv slash insights into things

0:41:01.040,0:41:05.520
you can also find audio versions of this

0:41:02.720,0:41:07.839
podcast on the web at podcast.insights

0:41:05.520,0:41:10.319
into

0:41:07.839,0:41:13.200
or you can get links to all of our

0:41:10.319,0:41:15.680
social media on our official website at

0:41:13.200,0:41:17.920
insightsintothings.com

0:41:15.680,0:41:20.079
and you and don’t forget to check out

0:41:17.920,0:41:22.560
our other two podcasts insights and

0:41:20.079,0:41:24.640
entertainment hosted by you and mommy

0:41:22.560,0:41:27.119
and inside tina tomorrow our monthly

0:41:24.640,0:41:28.880
podcast hosted by you and my brother sam

0:41:27.119,0:41:30.900
and that’s it another one in the books

0:41:28.880,0:41:53.300
bye everyone bye

0:41:30.900,0:41:53.300
[Music]

0:41:59.440,0:42:01.520
you