Insights Into Teens: Episode 28 “Dealing with Life’s Changes”

This week we talk about how to handle some of the typical changes that teens face both emotionally and socially. We discuss the what some of these changes are, the tell-tale signs of teens struggling to cope with these changes and techniques to help recognize when teens are struggling and how to help deal with them. We also touch on what we as parents can do proactively to help prepare our children to face these changes and the type of environment we can offer our teens that will allow them the ability to better cope with these situations.

Insights Into Teens

Transcription

Speaker 1:
0:02
Insightful podcast by informative hopes. Interesting. A podcast network.
Speaker 2:
0:27

Speaker 3:
0:27
welcome to insights into teens, a podcast series, exploring the issues and challenges of today’s youth. Your hosts are Joseph and Madison whale is a father and daughter team making their way through the challenges of the teenage years.
Speaker 2:
0:51

Speaker 4:
0:51
welcome to insights in the teens. This is episode 28 dealing with life’s changes. I’m your host shows of Wayland and my capable and competent cohost, Madison Waylon. Hi everyone. How are you doing today? Maddie? You good? So kind of a light topic we’ll talk about today, but before we get in the mat, you did have a kind of cool field trip you went on this week, didn’t you? So where’d you go tell the audience where you’re winning?
Speaker 5:
1:21
So at my summer camp we do field trips and um, this one we went to the Franklin Institute.
Speaker 4:
1:28
That’s cool. And what did you see there? That was cool.
Speaker 5:
1:30
We went to, um, one, one of the eggs, um, one of the Z, the exhibitors that they change. There’s time. It was a marvel exhibit and I thought it was pretty cool. We had like, um, tickets to, to that because last time we were there, we didn’t have any tickets to do the other show, but we were able to see the Avengers one.
Speaker 4:
1:50
That’s cool. That’s cool. Let’s have fun. Yep. Awesome. Yeah, mom and I went to see that, uh, when it opened actually before it opened to the public, we went to a premiere for that. So we got to see it as well. Unfortunately, we didn’t all do it as a family, but at least we all got to see it now. So today’s topic is dealing with life’s changes. Um, this was actually one that you had requested that we do. So we’ll, you know, we’ll start off with our normal definition, which isn’t really that normal, but we’ll talk about that in a minute. Yeah. Uh, so we’ll define what we’re talking about. Then we will talk about how to support teens through life changes. Um, then we’ll talk about preparing for some of these changes and, uh, and we’ll talk about some of the changes that you might actually wind up facing, some of the challenges that you’ll face. Uh, and then we’ll look at, um, some signs of teens that are struggling with some of these changes here and then how to cope with those issues when you actually are facing them. So should be a pretty good podcast. We should be able to get through this, uh, within the allotted time. So, are we ready? Yep. All right, let’s get into it.
Speaker 4:
3:13
So typically we defined what the topic is and there really isn’t a definition to this, this, it’s more of a kind of list of possible things and some philosophy. So let me, let me just go over what we have. This comes from family doctor.org. Uh, and it says the teenage years are a time of transition from childhood to adulthood. Teens often have a strong desire to be independent, so they may struggle with still being dependent on their parents. They may also feel overwhelmed by the emotional and physical changes they are going through. And at the same time, teens may face a number of pressures and that’s how they can categorize these. And they give a list. So they start off with fitting in at school and among friends. And you find that to be a challenge?
Speaker 6:
4:07
Um, uh,
Speaker 4:
4:11
somewhat. Okay. They also list doing well in school and making good grades. Is that a concern?
Speaker 5:
4:20
Um, no. I’m actually pretty okay with it right now. Sure.
Speaker 4:
4:23
Pretty much a straight a student, um, about excelling in activities such as sports. Yeah, that’s the problem. That is a problem. Uh, how about participating as a member of the family? Do you have problems with some of the family stuff? We do. No, that’s good. Nope, I’m working a part time job. I don’t think you’ve had that experience yet. Nope. And then the last one they have is preparing for college or the next step in life after high school. Have you been looking at what, what happens after high school at all?
Speaker 5:
4:58
Well, I’ve been thinking about like if I’m, what college I’m going to be going to, if I’m, I’m even gonna go to college, which I hopefully will if I’m going to go to a college that’s far away or if I’m going to go to a college that’s new here without times.
Speaker 4:
5:17
Yeah. So there’s a lot to look at when it comes to that sort of stuff. So they finish up by saying the teen years are important as your child asserts his or her individuality. Many parents wonder what they can do to help their teenager. And you know, as a parent of a teenager, I, I wonder this myself. So the next thing we’ll talk about is how to support teens dealing with these changes rather than move on. Yup. All right.
Speaker 7:
5:47
Okay.
Speaker 4:
5:52
So they say communicating your love for your child is the single most important thing you can do to help them during their teenage years. And I agree 100% with that. Um, I think it’s important to know that you’ve, we’ve got your back, they go on to say the children decide how they feel about themselves in large part by how their parents react to them. For this reason, it’s important for parents to help their children feel good about themselves. And you can do this by doing the following. So they have a number of things here that they, uh, suggest. So, but before we get into that, I wanted to ask you, how do you feel about how we treat you? Do you feel that you get support and love that you think you need to be successful?
Speaker 5:
6:41
Definitely. And I actually would wish that everyone had parents like you guys, like because you were very supportive, number one. Number two, you will, except my choices in life. Number three, you will help me during hard times. And number four, you pub was my nonsense.
Speaker 4:
7:04
Okay, well thank you for that. So let’s go down this list real quick. Uh, just for the audience out there and, and we’ll see if mommy and daddy match up to these. So the first thing they say is building their confidence in self esteem. Praise them and be specific. Tell them exactly why you were impressed or proud of them. Spend time with them and let them know how much you value them. Do Mommy and daddy do that? Do we, do we tell you, you know, like I tell you all the time that I’m, I’m proud of you. But do we tell you why? And do you feel a sense of accomplishment from it?
Speaker 5:
7:43
I mean, you always say like it’s a good accomplishment for that I’m able to get straight A’s and how I was one of only like three people who got all A’s during five years I got intact.
Speaker 4:
7:56
Right. And that’s fantastic. So the next thing they have is support them emotionally. Encourage them to talk to you, listen and help them understand their feelings. And before I turn this back over to you, I will say that the sole purpose of this podcast was exactly this. It was so that we could have the talks that we normally wouldn’t have on subjects that might or might not be kind of awkward or uncomfortable for us. And in a forum like this, I think it’s afforded us a chance to have those conversations. What do you think? Do you think these, these podcasts have helped you? Yup. How so?
Speaker 5:
8:38
Well, before, um, before we did the podcast, I per se wasn’t as responsible as I am now. I mean, I still was responsible, but I, it was harder to get to control my emotions. I just, it was harder for me to accept I was a straight a student. I had a stressful time at school and I had problems with other kids.
Speaker 4:
9:04
And that’s changed since these bottles.
Speaker 5:
9:07
Yup. I’ve learned to control my emotions better. I’ve learned that I am a strategic student and I should be proud of my accomplishments. I also learned to get along more so with other people and I’ve definitely learned a lot from this podcast and I feel way more responsible than I did way back when.
Speaker 4:
9:28
That’s awesome. And you know, you don’t have to have a podcast with your kids to have that effect. These podcasts or discussions, they just happen to be discussions that are couched. Yeah, they’re couched in a podcast, they’re online and we make them available for the benefit of others. But these are the same kind of conversations that we would have had at the dinner table. You know, they’re just a little bit more structured this way. So the next thing that they say is that parents should provide safety and security to their children, give them unconditional love, maintain routine so they feel secure. And make sure they know home is this safe place for them. What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 5:
10:14
I would definitely say that’s a good thing because I know some parents aren’t like that. Some parents will hit their children if they did something wrong or, or some kids will just have a hard time at school and they just need a relaxing time at home. And normally some children don’t get that. But, but telling your kids that home is a safe place where you can unwind and have your stress, um, calm your stress down as a Christian and important parent tactic.
Speaker 4:
10:49
And some of these routines are, you know, they’re kind of silly. They’re kind of superficial. Like, you know, Friday nights is Chinese food night. You know, that’s a night where we can sit down at the Dune table. We know we’re going to eat. It’s kind of a comfort food and we can reflect on the previous week. Uh, it could be having the podcast on Saturday mornings, you know, it’s a chance for us to sit down and talk. Um, it could be in the summertime, you and mommy get the bond watching big brother. You know, it’s simple routines like that. We’re not talking like really structured or something, but it’s, it’s those little things that you enjoy that you can look forward to. You know, that, that help to provide that sense of routine. Like, Oh boy, you know, Mondays are terrible, but you know what, by the time Wednesday gets here and I get to sit down and watch the show with mom and dad that I know the day, the weeks almost through and, and we’re kind of past .
Speaker 4:
11:43
The next thing is teaching them resiliency. And I want to side note, we have an entire podcast coming up, uh, in a few episodes about, so I don’t want to go into too much of that here, but they go on to say, teach your child how to make it through the tough times. Help them cope with change, manage stress and learn from setbacks. Um, so when you have issues and we talk about those issues, do you feel that that mommy and daddy are helping to coach you through those? To make those experiences a little bit more bearable.
Speaker 5:
12:17
Yeah, and I think I’m a little different from most teens because I’m sure most teens would rather like hold it inside of them and deal with it themselves. And I think I was like that before the before of the podcast, but eventually I started opening up to you guys Nado guys basically everything.
Speaker 4:
12:35
And I think that’s good. I think that’s it’s therapeutic to be able to get that out and to bounce it off someone, even if we don’t have a solution that we can give you. Um, just getting it out at times is, is helpful knowing that you’re not carrying that burden on your own. The last point that they have here is it’s important to communicate your values to your child. Set expectations and limits for him or her. These could include insisting on honesty, self control and respect for others at all times. At the same time, allow your teenager to have their own space and be their own person. And I think we set those boundaries for you without having to, you know, have indoctrinated rules. Like, like when you have a teacher that tells me how respectful and polite and helpful you are without me having to tell you to do that, that means that what we’re doing is having the exact effect that we want without having to, you know, force you to do something that you wouldn’t normally want to do.
Speaker 4:
13:44
I think the fact that you do it by nature is a testament to you as well. So they sum up here by saying, uh, parents of teens often find themselves noticing only the problems they may get in the habit of giving mostly negative feedback and criticism. Teens need feedback, but they’d respond better to positive feedback. Remember to praise appropriate behavior. This will help your team feel a sense of accomplishment and reinforce your family’s values. And I agree 100%. I had, I’d much rather tell you pat and pat you on the back and tell you how good you’re doing something rather than tell you you’re doing it wrong. You know, you need to improve. Um, everyone responds to positive feedback. Very few people respond favorably to negative feedback. It’s important to know when you do something wrong because when you do something wrong, it’s a, it’s an opportunity to learn and improve yourself.
Speaker 4:
14:45
And that’s how you have to look at it. You know, don’t get down on yourself, but you know, you see wrong thing to someone and you hurt their feelings. Recognize that after the fact and then correct it, you know, don’t, don’t think that you’re a terrible person cause everyone does stuff like that. Um, but when you do good stuff, I think you deserve to be praised for it. And, and I like to think that Mommy and Daddy, you know, do that in a timely manner. You do establish a loving relationship from the start or establishing a loving relationship from the stark and help you and your child through the bumpy teenage years. Anything that’s the important thing. Um, we’re not, it’s not like a boss employee relationship. We’re not dictating to you. Um, our job is to protect you, educate you, and get you ready for the world. And we have to do that in a way that is cooperative. You know, there’s, there’s a lot that I’ve learned about life by being a parent that my kids have taught me. Um, so it’s a two way street of learning there. So when we come back, we’ll talk about preparing your children to face life’s challenges.
Speaker 4:
16:10
So the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry suggest the following ways for parents to prepare their child’s teeth, your prepare, their child’s teenage years. Some of these we’ve touched on in the first segment here, so it says, provide a safe and loving home. Do we, do we provide that for you? Definitely. Uh, is there anything that we could do to improve that environment?
Speaker 8:
16:38
No, I think you guys basically hit it, hit it hard on the first try.
Speaker 4:
16:45
Okay.
Speaker 8:
16:46
It’s like I could ask for a better family.
Speaker 4:
16:48
Oh, that’s very nice of you to say that sweetheart. Um, create an atmosphere of honesty, trust and respect. Did we do that? I think honesty is very important. Yep. The problem with lying is once you tell a lie, you wind up telling a whole bunch of other lines to cover up the first line. Eventually you can’t keep track of them all. So it’s easier to just be honest up front. Sometimes honesty hurts. You know, if someone asked me, you know, if I like the outfit that they’re wearing and I say, not really, you know, it, it doesn’t look good on your whatever, you know, that might hurt someone’s feelings, but it’s better than lying to them. Uh, allow age appropriate independence and assertiveness. So do you think that we, we give you the level of independence that you need to do things? Yup. Do you think you should get more independence? No. Okay. Develop a relationship that encourages your team to talk to you when he or she is upset. I think that’s very important. Do you feel that you have that freedom? Um, I know there are times that you come home and you’re upset about something and you tell me something and don’t want to tell mommy and vice versa. Is there any particular pattern to what you want me to know that you don’t necessarily want mommy to know?
Speaker 5:
18:15
I Dunno. I think like sometimes when I do that I have a different thought process, but it seems the main reason might be because you might understand it better than mommy would and you might be able to help me fix it.
Speaker 4:
18:30
All right. Makes Sense. I’m buy that. So they say teach responsibility to your teens or for your teens, belongings and yours. Uh, I think the best example of this is probably your electronics. You know, they’re the big ticket items. Uh, you tend to have quite a few of them, whether it’s your phone, your tablet, your game systems. Do you think that you’re responsible with those items? No. You’re not disregarding them. You’re not breaking them. You’re not mistreating them.
Speaker 5:
19:04
Um, no. I don’t know. Legislator, I’m across the room. If I may agree, I would just do squishes instead.
Speaker 4:
19:10
That’s good. Squishies don’t break. Yep. Teach basic responsibility of household chores. Oh, how are we taught you that?
Speaker 5:
19:19
Well, you, you were telling me like ever since my brother didn’t come over, um, you needed someone else to clean the bathroom and I’m volunteered and you told me the chores and I just, and eventually I started doing them. Um, I did get some rough patches, but now it’s basically like, okay, it is what it is. They’re my chores. It’s the weekend. Probably should do them.
Speaker 4:
19:48
Yeah. Yeah. It’s, it’s a, it’s a pattern that you’ve gotten into at this point in time. So you managed to deal with it and you get paid pretty well too. And don’t you, uh, last thing they have is teach the importance of accepting limits. So when we put limits on you, are you okay with them? Are you resentful of them?
Speaker 5:
20:12
Oh, I need an example.
Speaker 4:
20:16
Um, let’s say you want to, you know, go over a friend’s house or you want to go to a friend’s party and we say, okay, you can go over there and play until three o’clock, but you have to come home at three. Are you the type of person who wants to say, oh, well look, it’s three o’clock. Let me call and say that we’re in the middle of something or let me get some more time out of it or something like that.
Speaker 5:
20:39
No, I’m just like, I just make sure my friend knows what time it is and their parents know and then, and when I have to go, I have to go. I’m not really that resentful to it.
Speaker 4:
20:51
Okay. And I would agree with that. You’re usually very reasonable when it comes to that type of stuff. So let’s come back and talk about what types of life changes you might face.
Speaker 7:
21:08
Okay.
Speaker 4:
21:09
So the information for this next segment comes from the modern parent, which we’ve used in the past as a reference point. So there are really two types of change classes that they talk about and one is social changes and the other is emotional changes. So they give a few examples here and I want to get your thoughts on these. So the first one they talk about is a search for identity. Children entering their teen years begin to want to know who they are and what they stand for. Or they begin to question right from wrong. And are keen to develop their own set of beliefs and morals. It’s also during this time that they may start making decisions on these new found beliefs such as wearing off me, looking into different forms of spirituality, trying themselves taunting themselves to a tree or jumping a board, a green peace boat. So there’s some of the crazy things that, that the, give us an example. So how do you feel about your identity? Do you know who you are? Do you know what you want to be? Do you know what your likes and dislikes and what right from wrong are?
Speaker 5:
22:20
Well, I know right from wrong, I know who I want, who I am. I’m Australia student who likes, who likes to draw and is an accelerated math and is all so, um, acts a little bit like a teenager, but also a responsible teacher.
Speaker 4:
22:37
Okay. Well you sound like you have a firm grip on reality then. So the next thing they talk about as a quest for independence, whilst it seems to be happening earlier and earlier, there was a definite sense of not needing others, particularly parents as the often invincible teenager believes they have all the skills they need to take on the world. Whilst independence is a great and essential skill and one that should certainly be in carriage. It should also be noted that sometimes the decision making and judgment areas of the brain have not yet caught up to the part of the brain that seeks reward and pleasure. So this is kind of important and because moving into the new school, you are going to have a certain amount of independence that’s thrust on you. So up until this point you’ve been dropped off and picked off, picked up uh, by Mommy and Daddy. So the one big independence move that you’ve got, it’s thrust on you is riding the bus and maintaining your own schedule and making sure you get up, making sure you get to the bus, making sure you get home and you’re going to have a period of time, a transitionary period of time when you know you’ll be home for a short period without mom and dad here. So how does that make you feel? Is that something that you welcome? Is that something that terrifies you? What is it?
Speaker 5:
24:07
Oh, I know, I’ve never really had it happened before. I remember you guys were always go out, would go out sometimes and play every potter game or you guys would go to like a conference and leave me home for like an hour. But um, I’d be home for like about two hours and a half. The longest time I’ve ever been home alone. And to some extent it does seem a little scary cause I’ll be home alone and um, I might not, I w you guys won’t be there for a little while, but it, but I’m more okay with it because I know I’ve dealt with it before. And, um, I think being home alone will teach me about my responsibilities, how to Mandarin, my schedule with homework, how to prepare for the next day and maybe even how to make to interview you guys.
Speaker 4:
25:07
And I think that’s a very good point is it’s an opportunity for you to learn how to use your time independently in a more efficient manner. Now, you know, there will be a period of time when you get home from school and we’re not home from work yet, but you know, you know the neighbors, you can always turn to the neighbors for help. Mommy and daddy could shift our schedules around the bit. You know, there really isn’t much of an issue with me leaving early from work to get home to be here. So, you know, we’ll, we’ll, we’ll try the new schedule out and see how things are. Um, but I think after a short period of time, I don’t think you’re gonna have any problems getting adjusted to it. Um, and you know, the other thing is if you start getting involved in afterschool activities that you know, allows you independence, but independence in a controlled environment at school there to where you’re in a, you’d have less time being out alone. So the next thing they have is a desire to experiment. Now this can take on many different forms as we’ve seen previously. This is also a time when the adolescent hunts out and new experiences participates in risk taking behaviors and begins to explore sexual identity. Yes, I know they are also greatly influenced by the antics of friends and peers, most of whom are at a similar stage of brain development. So how adventurous in general do you feel?
Speaker 8:
26:44
Not very adventurous. Okay.
Speaker 4:
26:49
And that’s, you know, they go on to say that that is something that will develop, you know, in the next couple of years, uh, you’ll start wanting to try new things and new experiences and you know, as you mature mentally and physically, those experiences will become harder. And harder to resist. Uh, so that’s something to keep in mind and, and there are definitely topics that we can talk about in more detail as we get to them. And the last thing that they have here is a change in communication with the explosion of social media, mobile phones and 24 hour access to communicable devices. The way our teenagers begin to socialize takes on many changes at this time, although for some they are well and truly versed in the modern means of communication by the time they have reached their teens, uh, as an aside from the changes to the way they communicate with their friends and peers, there is also a noted change in the way they communicate with their parents.
Speaker 4:
27:59
Some would say a complete lack thereof. So, uh, I guess the takeaway from this is there’s a point at which you will be less and less inclined to talk to your parents, uh, as you get older. Um, so that’s just something to keep in mind. Hopefully these podcasts will keep going and we’ll keep the communication lines open and we won’t cross that, that line. So that’s it for the social changes. Um, there’s a few emotional changes that you’ll experience you’re likely to experience the first of which is expressing strong feelings. So accompanying the many developmental and physical changes may be a tendency for unpredictable mood swings and fluctuating degrees of emotion. We had known nothing about that doing nope, we do not. Teenagers are still learning to express themselves and control their emotions in a more grown up fashion. Couple this with the new found teenage hormones and you may find yourself struggling to understand the changing moods and the increasing arguments and the unpredictable major communication. Do we argue a lot?
Speaker 8:
29:16
Um, not really.
Speaker 4:
29:17
No. And I think most of our arguments are more, you know, stage discussions, uh, where we pick a topic and go back and forth and I enjoy that because it’s mentally stimulating.
Speaker 8:
29:30
Yeah. Also it’s kind of funny, like honestly, it’s actually kind of funny like when we have our small arguments, it’s like, it’s like play a fighting like you and mommy do. Exactly. No, I’m just here. I do enjoy that. Exactly. I enjoy it as well. It’s always hilarious to go back and realize the things we said and how stupid it was.
Speaker 4:
29:51
It’s an opportunity to blow off steam in a controlled way too. Yeah. So the next emotional change is becoming sensitive or self-conscious as the teenager, as the teenage body goes through many physical changes. This can also be a time for body image issues as they began to compare themselves with those around them as their friends and peers now plays such an important role. Teenage self esteem can often be connected to the way they look. So how do you feel about that? Do you, do you see your friends having any kind of body image issues themselves or, or concern about body issues or anything?
Speaker 8:
30:35
I don’t think they’ve actually really discussed it with me. They don’t seem to have any problem with fear, with party issues.
Speaker 4:
30:42
Do you find anyone at school or camp who seems judgmental about body issues?
Speaker 8:
30:50
Mm, not really.
Speaker 4:
30:52
So nobody making fun of people because they’re fat or because they’re tall or too skinny or anything like that. Well, that’s good. Unfortunately that’s probably gonna Change. Yeah. So just be aware of it. Uh, the last one that they have here for emotional changes is bulletproof or invincible. And we’re not talking superhero status here. While seemingly having the world at their feet, the teenager embarks on many behaviors often without having had the luxury of age and wisdom to foresee all the possible outcomes of their actions. That teenage brain is still refining its skill at the art of consequences. You know what they, you understand what they mean by this. Basically, you know, teenagers think that they can do anything and survive anything and as a result they lack the foresight to understand what their consequences are. So if I go to school and I, my teacher asked for my assignment and I just flat out lie that the dog eat my assignment, you know, there are consequences that could come from that.
Speaker 4:
32:07
I could get the tension for lying, I could get additional work for it. Um, and that’s one of the mild examples that there is of this. Um, there are other things where you may want to sneak into the girl’s bathroom and, and your friends are smoking a cigarette and you decide all you want to try it, you know, and that could wind up getting you into trouble at school. You could have health issues. Um, so there’s all kinds of different things that you have to be aware of, uh, in doing this yawning during a podcast. That could be another issue too, where, you know, your cohost things that you’re just not paying attention and you’re completely disinterested in the discussion.
Speaker 8:
32:56
We’re going to have to count how many times you always mentioned that daddy drop your leg. I can’t help, but it’s a natural cause of me. Thank you very much.
Speaker 4:
33:05
It’s cause it’s contagious. Then I’ll start yawning. So anyway, that is what the, some of the, uh, life changes that you can expect to see coming up. Any questions? Nope. All right, let’s move on to signs of teen struggling with life changes.
Speaker 4:
33:28
So the information from this segment comes from health families of British Columbia. Um, so they say searching for identity. Okay. So these are different signs that your teen is going through. Um, life changes. So when searching for identity, young people are busy working out who they are and where they fit in to search can be influenced by gender, pure group, cultural background, media, school and family expectations. And I think part of this search for identity is sort of what you and I have talked about in the past as far as, um, you know, self esteem and knowing who you are. We did a whole podcast on, on how to know who you are, um, and who you are is going to change your interest, will change your desires, your focus on life. Uh, and this will continue to change drastically over the next 10 years or so until you’re in the, you’re probably mid twenties and you finally decide to, to, to figure out what you want to do and settle down and stuff.
Speaker 4:
34:40
So, um, it’s not just a teenage thing. Um, the next thing they say is a sign of seeking more independence. This is likely to influence your decisions your child makes and the relationships your child has with family and friends. Uh, this was something that I saw, uh, with, with Sam and I didn’t realize it until too late and, and I had probably reacted poorly to it cause I hadn’t reacted to it more as though it was an offense against me and less that it was a natural part of him growing up where he wanted to, to to come see us less and less. And it wasn’t so much about us at the time. It was, you know, he wanted his independence. He had other things that he wanted to do. Um, and I had handled it poorly and as a result it caused probably a Dever riff between he and I because of how, how I reacted to it. So I kind of expect you to go through that independent stage. Do you feel any desire for independence at this point in time? Oh really? Okay. How about seeking more responsibility then? It’s another sign.
Speaker 9:
35:56
Um,
Speaker 4:
35:58
I do really good on responsibility to I’m putting a gun on responsibility too. Responsibilities, good English not so good. How about at school? I know you don’t look for a lot of responsibilities at home. I mean the chores and stuff like that. Wanting to cook is a sign of responsibility by the way. Oh yeah. So that’s one. But how about at school? Do you find yourself, you know, did you find yourself checking up more responsibility? Can I have an example? Um, you know, with the teacher asks for help, uh, handing out papers or um, cleaning the whiteboard or you know, anything like that. Anytime the teacher solicits assistance. Where are you volunteering? Well, I would volunteer. Okay. So you were, you were looking for more responsibility then. Um, the next one they have is looking for new experiences. Um, the nature of the teenage brain development means the teenagers are likely to seek out new experiences and engage in more risk taking behavior.
Speaker 4:
37:05
Do you find yourself looking for new experiences? Not really, no. And I would tend to agree because mommy and daddy tried to introduce you to new experiences that you seem somewhat reluctant to that. Um, another sign is thinking more about right and wrong. Your child will start developing a stronger individual’s set of values and morals. Teenagers also learned that they’re responsible for their own actions, decisions and consequences. They may question more things. Your words and actions shaped your child’s sense of right and wrong. Do you find that you’ve got a pretty defined sense of right and wrong or are you contemplating that more? I think it’s pretty defined. Yeah. I think you kind of adopt mommy and daddy’s right and wrong from some of the discussions we’ve had. Um, your teens may be influenced more by friends, especially when it comes to behavior, sense of self and self esteem, starting to develop and explore, uh, sexual identity.
Speaker 4:
38:11
Your child might start to have romantic relationships and go on dates. So do you find yourself influenced by your friends? I know a lot of the friends that you hang around with are a little younger than you, so I would suspect that you probably influenced them more than they influence you. Right. Hi, zinc. So, and I think that’s a good thing. I think you’re, you’re a moral, intelligent, responsible person. I think you serve as a good role model for the younger kids. Thank you. Um, your teenager may start communicating in different ways. The Internet, cell phones and social media can significantly influence how your child communicates with friends and learns about the world. Uh, I think this is mostly true for you cause you do use, um, your, your cell phone and Internet services to communicate with the friends that aren’t nearby.
Speaker 5:
39:08
I mean, I don’t actually use social media, um, but I do use like the classical calling and texting app.
Speaker 4:
39:18
Right, right. So it goes on to say that, uh, your teens may show strong feelings and intense emotions at different times. Moods might seem unpredictable. These emotional ups and downs can lead to increase conflict. Um, I, I would say you’ve significantly improved in this area.
Speaker 5:
39:38
Yeah. I remember sometimes I would feel angry and before the podcast I, I’d feel angry and then upset. Now it’s more anger for a good reason. And No, and only being upset for like an understandable reason.
Speaker 4:
39:55
Yeah. Like you control your emotions much better now. Yeah. And you focus them. And I think that’s important is that you don’t allow them to control you. So the next thing is that your child may be more self conscious, especially about physical appearance and changes. And I don’t think you’re so conscious about then I think if anything else you’re more self conscious about um, academics and about how you’re perceived by people. I think so. Um, so I don’t think you really have any issues with your physical appearance to people, but you know, you’ve made comments to me about feeling invisible at times. Yup. That’s the next one that we have here is your child goes through the an an invisible stage of thinking and acting as if nothing bad could happen. Well that’s actually not the same. You feel invisible like nobody notices you. Um, but this one goes on to say your child’s decision making skills are still developing and your child is still learning about the consequences of actions. I think that’s may apply to others in the audience. I don’t think that is the definition that applies to you. You try once to spend less time with family and more time with friends. How much truth is there to that?
Speaker 5:
41:24
Honestly, I think I want to hang out with my friends equally as much as I want to hang out with my family because both groups support and um, I have fun with both. So they’re both pretty much equal. Okay. 50, 50. Okay.
Speaker 4:
41:41
And the last one here, I’m just going to mention just out of, uh, amusement seek is uh, your child has more arguments with you. Yeah. You can be argumentative at times. Yeah. But that’s good. I have no problem with you questioning, uh, the things that we say. And do you think you should question everything? And I think it’s important. I don’t think anyone knows all and can say everything.
Speaker 5:
42:10
Oh. Sunraysia before I became a teenager, I also had the playful arguments with you, so
Speaker 4:
42:15
yes, you did. So we, we got you. We got you ready for that early. Yep. So the last segment here that we can, uh, go through fairly quickly is how to cope with life’s changes.
Speaker 7:
42:29

Speaker 4:
42:34
this one comes from a new source called the parent Q. We’ve not used in the past. And again, all of these links are available in the show notes on our website after the podcast. So the first thing is to acknowledge emotions. And I think we’ve, we’ve touched on that a pretty heavily. Yup. It says, give yourself permission to experience the emotion so it can run its course. Um, transitions like graduation, uh, seem to be entirely positive. The onlookers, but may trigger feelings of fear and anxiety for graduate entering a new chapter of independence, like busing can be daunting. Uh, whether it’s a change of schools, a breakup of a significant relationship change can bring up feelings of anger, rejection and abandonment. Uh, and the, and I think the biggest thing is here is we all have emotions. We’re not going to get rid of them, acknowledge them, let them run their courses, book control the emotions. Don’t let them control you. Right? Um, focus on values sometimes. Uh, we wish we could hide away in safety until the threat has vanished. Right? Or you ever had that situation where something just seems so bad that you just want to crawl into a corner and wait for it to be over with?
Speaker 5:
43:56
Um, my thing, sometimes I can’t remember any specific moments, but I’m pretty sure they probably happened.
Speaker 4:
44:03
Alright. I’ll be honest, I’ve had them, you know, there’ve been times at work where things have been so bad, especially early on when I was just adjusting to a new job where it was like, you know what? I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t feel like I’m capable of dealing with it and I just wanted to be over with. Um, but you know, you, you focus on that, you deal with it a little bit of the time and you cut the problem in the smallest places and dealing with them. The next thing is to reflect back, reflect on a time when you faced a significant change and successfully managed it despite experiencing some initial fear. Now this is what I tell you from time to time, right? So when you get upset over something like, uh, anxiety over starting the new school, right?
Speaker 4:
44:53
Cause you’ve had plenty of that. And what do I tell you? Well you went through the same thing and last year. Okay. And the year before that and after the first four weeks or so, you’re fine. So you need to understand, you need to focus on that, like, like what you’re facing, you’ve faced before and you may not realize it. Um, and if you faced it before and you have a proven history of overcoming it, then there’s absolutely no reason to think that you won’t overcome it this next time that you face it. A lot of times we face the same challenges over and over in life and we get better at dealing with them. So reflect back is very important. Understand how resilient you are, how you’ve built yourself up, how you’ve dealt with these things. These are the confidence boosters that that really lift you up above, you know, other people, knowing that you’ve conquered these things.
Speaker 4:
45:50
So just keep that in mind. Um, and the next one is to the last one. They have very shift perspectives. Um, changes whether expected or unexpected are part of human experience and are the opportunities for growth. And I, we even add to that, mistakes are an opportunity for growth. Um, and this is why Mommy and daddy tried to get you to experience new things. Uh, the more stuff that you’re exposed to that you learn how to handle, makes you a much more well rounded person. And if we can give you those experiences, now, think of it sort of like a, a vaccination. Okay. So when you get a vaccination for chicken box or whatever they inject of the disease into you, it’s a weakened version of the disease and it introduces it to your body in a controlled fashion and your body learns to adapt to it and produce antibodies.
Speaker 4:
46:52
So when Mommy and daddy introduced new things to you, it’s sort of the same thing. It’s us forcing you in a controlled fashion to learn how to deal with a new circumstance so that when you face it in the real world and it’s not as controlled, it’s not as overwhelming. You can reflect back on your experience and the skills that you learned and you can deal with it in a more controlled manner. So I think that’s kind of one of the biggest things here. Um, and the last thing that wasn’t last lasting year is be self-compassionate. And I think mommy would agree with this. Um, life can be stressful and often disappointing. Instead of allowing for striation and the self doubt. Take root offer yourself compassion. What does that mean? So if you’re confronted with a painful experience instead of ignoring your pain and chastising yourself, remind yourself, this is difficult right now.
Speaker 4:
47:56
How can I comfort and care for myself in the moment? Um, self compassionate individuals offer kindness to themselves and others rather than judgment and harsh critiques. Now we could talk last week in our active shooter, um, podcast about your number one priority is the take care of yourself and ensure your own safety and survival. Self-Compassion is the same thing in a different context. You know, we all face challenges. We all make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up a voucher. Mistakes everyone does them. Learn from them. If you can learn from your mistakes thing, you can improve yourself and not repeat them in the future. When you do make mistakes, understand everyone does. And be compassionate with yourself. Don’t be overly harsh on yourself. If, God forbid you bring a be home, which, oh, I know that’s terrible. You’d bring, you know, a B home instead of a straight a report card.
Speaker 4:
49:02
Don’t be down on yourself for that. Learn from it, experience it, but be compassionate about yourself. Is there a lot of other people that can’t even bring a baby home? You have to understand that. So don’t be too critical on yourself. And I think that’s really the most important thing because if you’re not compassionate with yourself, you can’t be compassionate with anyone else. And you know, the world would be a better place if there was more compassionate. And I think that’s, I think the last thought that, I’ll leave the podcast on this week when we come back, we’ll have you do your final thoughts and your Chevelles
Speaker 7:
49:47

Speaker 4:
49:49
and I turn it over to you dear.
Speaker 5:
49:51
Alrighty. So for those of you in the audience who are facing life changes, I just want to let you know everyone faces them. You’re not the only one. And as long as you have people who will support you through your life changes and help you through the problems in your life, it won’t be as bad. I just think it’s better to have other people support you and be you to just deal with it on your own, express it to your parents or express it to anyone who will listen. And, um, if they are a good person, they’ll probably listen to you and try to help you cope with this stress that you are holding on your hands.
Speaker 4:
50:31
Okay. Very good. Any shout outs this week?
Speaker 10:
50:37
Mm,
Speaker 4:
50:38
no. We’ll go without any shots this week. That’s fine. We don’t have to shell out every week.
Speaker 5:
50:41
Yeah. It’s getting a little hard cause we’re getting higher and higher end to the videos and it’s been, I don’t know that many people.
Speaker 4:
50:50
Yeah. That’s okay sweetheart. Don’t worry. Uh, I think that’ll do it for this week. Just a reminder, uh, for our audio listeners, we do have a video version of the podcast at a youtube.com/insights into things, or you can get the audio version of the podcast@podcastdotinsightsintoteens.com and I think that’s it for this week. We’ll talk to you next week with another great podcast. Bye

Show Notes

  • Introduction
    • Insights Into Teens: Episode 28 “Dealing with Life’s Changes”
    • Capable and Competent co-host Madison Whalen

At the same time, teens may be facing a number of pressures:
 

  • Fitting in at school and among friends.
  • Doing well in school and making good grades.
  • Excelling in activities such as sports.
  • Participating as a member of the family.
  • Working a part-time job.
  • Preparing for college or their next step in life after high school.
     

The teenage years are important as your child asserts his or her individuality. Many parents wonder what they can do to help their teenager.

  • How to support teens dealing with life’s changes
    • Communicating your love for your child is the single most important thing you can do to help them during their teenage years. Children decide how they feel about themselves in large part by how their parents react to them. For this reason, it’s important for parents to help their children feel good about themselves. You can do this by:
      • Building their confidence and self-esteem. Praise them—and be specific. Tell them exactly why you are impressed or proud of them. Spend time with them, and let them know how much you value them.
      • Supporting them emotionally. Encourage them to talk to you. Listen and help them understand their feelings.
      • Providing them safety and security. Give them unconditional love. Maintain routines so they feel secure. Make sure they know home is a safe place for them.
      • Teaching them resiliency. Teach your child how to make it through the tough times. Help them cope with change, manage stress, and learn from setbacks.
      • It is also important to communicate your values with your child. Set expectations and limits for him or her. These could include insisting on honesty, self-control, and respect for others at all times. At the same time, allow your teenager to have their own space and be their own person.

Parents of teens often find themselves noticing only the problems. They may get in the habit of giving mostly negative feedback and criticism. Teens need feedback, but they respond better to positive feedback. Remember to praise appropriate behavior. This will help your teen feel a sense of accomplishment and reinforce your family’s values.

Establishing a loving relationship from the start can help you and your child through the bumpy teenage years.

  • Preparing your children to face life’s changes
    • The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) suggests the following ways for parents to prepare for their child’s teenage years:
      • Provide a safe and loving home environment.
      • Create an atmosphere of honesty, trust and respect.
      • Allow age-appropriate independence and assertiveness.
      • Develop a relationship that encourages your teen to talk to you when he or she is upset.
      • Teach responsibility for your teen’s belongings and yours.
      • Teach basic responsibility for household chores.
      • Teach the importance of accepting limits.
  • What types of life changes might you face
    • The Modern Parent
    • https://themodernparent.net/from-child-to-adult-the-social-and-emotional-changes-affecting-our-teenagers/
    • http://bit.ly/2MSawcB
       
    • Social Changes
      • A search for identity– children entering their teen years begin to want to know ‘who they are and what they stand for’. They begin to question right from wrong and are keen to develop their own set of beliefs and morals. It is also during this time that they may start making decisions on these new found beliefs such as swearing off meat, looking into different forms of spirituality, tying themselves to a tree or  jumping aboard a Greenpeace boat. Sometimes these forays can be shortlived as they get wrapped up in the waves of  belief and belonging or they may begin to make up a set of beliefs that stick with them and are further developed through adulthood.
         
      • A quest for independence– Whilst it seems to be happening earlier and earlier, there is a definite sense of not needing others, particularly parents, as the often invincible teenager believes they have all the skills they need to take on the world. Whilst independence is a great and essential skill and one that should certainly be encouraged, it should also be noted that sometimes the decision making and judgement areas of the brain have not yet caught up to the part of the brain that seeks reward and pleasure. We must ensure therefore, that we maintain certain control over some of the decision-making in order to keep our ‘bulletproof’ teenagers safe.
         
      • A desire to experiment –As we have seen previously this is also a time when the adolescent hunts out new experiences, participates in risk-taking behaviours and begins to explore their sexual identity. They are also greatly influenced by the antics of friends and peers…most of whom are at a similar stage of brain development!
         
      • A change in Communication– With the explosion of social media, mobile phones and 24 hour access to communicable devices, the way our teenagers begin to socialise takes on many changes at this time (although for some they are well and truly versed in the modern means of communication by the time they reach their teens). And aside from the changes to the way they communicate with their friends and peers, there is also a noted change in the way they communicate with their parents…some would say a complete lack thereof!
         
    • Emotional Changes
      • Expressing strong feelings – accompanying the many developmental and physical changes may be a tendency for unpredictable mood swings and  fluctuating degrees of emotion. Teenagers are still learning to express themselves and control their emotions in a more grown up fashion.  Couple this with the new found teenage hormones and you may find yourself struggling to understand the changing moods, the increasing arguments and the unpredictable nature of communication.
         
      • Become Sensitive or self-conscious – As the teenage body goes through many physical changes this can also be a time for body image issues as they begin to compare themselves with those around them. As their friends and peers now play such an important role, teenage self-esteem can often be connected to the way they look (be it real or perceived).
         
      • Bulletproof and Invincible– Whilst seemingly having the world at their feet, the teenager embarks on many behaviours often without having had the luxury of age and wisdom to foresee all the possible outcomes for their actions. That teenage brain is still refining its skills in the art of consequences!
         
  • Signs of teens struggling with life changes
    • Healthy Families BC
    • https://www.healthyfamiliesbc.ca/home/articles/social-and-emotional-changes-adolescence-teens
    • http://bit.ly/2ZNYLru
       
    • Searching for identity: young people are busy working out who they are and where they fit in the world. This search can be influenced by gender, peer group, cultural background, media, school and family expectations
       
    • Seeking more independence: this is likely to influence the decisions your child makes and the relationships your child has with family and friends
       
    • Seeking more responsibility, both at home and at school
       
    • Looking for new experiences: the nature of teenage brain development means that teenagers are likely to seek out new experiences and engage in more risk-taking behaviour. But they’re still developing control over their impulses
       
    • Thinking more about “right” and “wrong”: your child will start developing a stronger individual set of values and morals. Teenagers also learn that they’re responsible for their own actions, decisions and consequences. They question more things. Your words and actions shape your child’s sense of ‘‘right’’ and “wrong”
       
    • Influenced more by friends, especially when it comes to behaviour, sense of self and self-esteem starting to develop and explore a sexual identity: your child might start to have romantic relationships or go on “dates”. These are not necessarily intimate relationships. For some young people, intimate or sexual relationships don’t occur until later on in life
       
    • Communicating in different ways: the internet, cell phones and social media can significantly influence how your child communicates with friends and learns about the world.
       
    • Shows strong feelings and intense emotions at different times. Moods might seem unpredictable. These emotional ups and downs can lead to increased conflict. Your child’s brain is still learning how to control and express emotions in a grown-up way is more sensitive to your emotions: young people get better at reading and processing other people’s emotions as they get older. While they’re developing these skills, they can sometimes misread facial expressions or body language
       
    • Is more self-conscious, especially about physical appearance and changes. Teenage self-esteem is often affected by appearance – or by how teenagers think they look. As they develop, teens might compare their bodies with those of friends and peers
       
    • Goes through a “invincible” stage of thinking and acting as if nothing bad could happen to him. Your child’s decision-making skills are still developing, and your child is still learning about the consequences of actions.
       
    • Wants to spend less time with family and more time with friends
       
    • Has more arguments with you: some conflict between parents and children during the teenage years is normal as teens seek more independence. It actually shows that your child is maturing. Conflict tends to peak in early adolescence. If you feel like you’re arguing with your child all the time, it might help to know that this isn’t likely to affect your long term relationship with your child
       
    • Sees things differently from you: this isn’t because your child wants to upset you. It’s because your child is beginning to think more abstractly and to question different points of view. At the same time, some teens find it hard to understand the effects of their behaviour and comments on other people. These skills will develop with time.
  • How to cope with life’s changes
    • The Parent Cue
    • https://theparentcue.org/5-ways-to-help-teens-cope-with-change/
    • http://bit.ly/2TqRwTV
      • Acknowledge emotions
        • Give yourself permission to experience the emotion so it can run its course.
        • Transitions, like graduation, seem to be entirely positive to onlookers but may trigger feelings of fear and anxiety for a graduate.
        • Entering a new chapter of independence can be daunting.
        • Whether it is a change of schools or the breakup of a significant relationship, change can bring out feelings of anger, rejection, and abandonment.
        • Share feelings through journaling, talking to a therapist or supportive friends to help process the full range of difficult emotions.
           
      • Focus on values
        • Sometimes wish we could hide away in safety until the threat has vanished.
        • It’s okay not to have all the answers to every question or to know how every detail will play out.
        • Remembering what’s important—family, friends, creative expression—is a powerful shield against whatever negative emotions threaten to arise.
        • List your values and keep this life-change in the right context.
           
      • Reflect back
        • Reflect on a time when you faced a significant change and successfully managed it, despite experiencing some initial fear.
        • Sometimes unfamiliar events are not as scary as they seem initially and may simply require a little time to adjust.
           
      • Shift perspectives
        • Changes, whether expected or unexpected, are part of the human experience and are opportunities for growth.
        • Rather than be consumed with what was lost, consider potential gains.
          • How can this new situation be a benefit?
          • If you’ve recently moved to a different school or city, take it as an opportunity to re-invent yourself.
          • Learn to make the best of new situations.
          • You may eventually view the life change as beneficial to their personal growth and life story.
             
        • Be self-compassionate
          • Life can be stressful, and often disappointing. Instead of allowing frustration and self-doubt to take root, offer yourself compassion.
            • If you are confronted with a painful experience, instead of ignoring your pain or chastising yourself, remind yourself, “This is difficult right now, how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”
            • Self-compassionate individuals offer kindness to themselves and others rather than judgment and harsh critiques.

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