Insights Into Teens: Episode 151 ”Managing Teen Expectations”

[INTRO THEME]
[INTRODUCTIONS]
Insights Into Teens: Episode 151 ”Managing Teen Expectations”
My co-host Joseph Whalen

Summary
Expectations we place on our children are important. They help set the future, keep them focused and guide them through their formative years. But expectations must be realistic and achievable otherwise they risk having a detrimental effect on our kids. In today’s episode of Insights Into Teens we’ll discuss the nature and importance of expectations and how to manage those expectations and keep them realistic.

[SHOW PLUGS]

But first I’d like to invite the listening and viewing audience to subscribe to the podcast. You can find audio versions listed under Insights Into Teens, you can also find video and audio versions listed under Insights Into Things. We can be found under most podcast providers including:
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[TRANSITION]

[SEGMENT 1]

THE NATURE OF EXPECTATIONS
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201804/managing-expectations-when-parenting-adolescent
https://bit.ly/3uyHSCB

Expectations are psychologically important
Expectations are mental sets we choose to hold that help us move through time, through change, and through experience in order to anticipate the next reality we encounter.

To appreciate the power of expectations, consider how much we routinely depend upon them.
We approach each day with a huge array of them in place to help us assume what we can count on and look forward to.
To wake up with no idea what to expect creates ignorance that can be confusing at the very least and anxiety-provoking at most

Expectations are anticipatory.
They can ease our way through life when they roughly fit the next reality we encounter.
They can facilitate our capacity to adjust to the new and different.
Although we may not like the reality we foresee, at least expectations can help us get prepared.

Parents might take some preparatory responsibility for a teenager who is faced with some major life change.
Mom or dad wants to help the young person build realistic expectations about what the new experience will be like in order to help with the transition
Things such as going off to middle school, to high school, or to college

Or the parents going through a divorce are careful to let a younger child know what the new family arrangements are going to be.
They are careful to do this because going through a time of uncertainty, there is security in knowing what to expect, and insecurity when one does not.

The same principle of informed readiness applies when it comes to parents getting prepared for common changes to expect when their child begins the adolescent transition from childhood to young adulthood.
To have a set of expectations that roughly fit the general transformation of growing individuality and independence is helpful to know.

UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF EXPECTATIONS
https://polaristeen.com/articles/managing-expectations-with-teens/
At their core, having expectations makes the world a bit more predictable.
Expectations help us transform the unfamiliar world beyond us into something we can reasonably begin to understand.
Having a stable familiarity with the world makes it much easier to adapt to new circumstances in our lives.
This is why having a reasonable set of expectations is so essential for the healthy development of an adolescent.

Though there are many things in the future of your teen’s life that simply cannot be predicted, an established set of expectations can help them anticipate probable outcomes and navigate through new sources of adversity.
Common challenges faced by many teenagers include depression, trouble in school, divorce and family issues, social pressures, and difficulty forming a positive identity.
Overcoming these sources of adversity is easiest when a parent and their teenager can work together as a team.
When the world can be predicted in a manageable way, accomplishing goals and mentally developing become much more possible.

[AD1: SSE]

[SEGMENT 2]

DIFFERENT KINDS OF EXPECTATIONS
Expectations can generally be placed into three distinct categories.
Predictions:
A prediction is something that a parent believes has the highest probability of actually happening.
Predictions can come in both positive and negative forms (though some negative predictions are best kept to yourself).
Some examples of a positive prediction might be, “I believe I will have a loving relationship with my teenager” or “I believe my teenager will get into a top-tier university.”
An example of a negative prediction might be something like “I believe my teenager will have trouble saying no to peer pressure.”

Ambitions:
An ambition is something that can only be positive.
Ambitions are defined as what parents want for their teenagers.
These include things such as graduating from a certain school, participating in certain activities, and maintaining a positive relationship.
Ambitions established by their parents are often the greatest source of pressure in an adolescent’s life, though when they are communicated and established in an effective way, these ambitions can help them achieve great things.

Conditions:
These are the types of behaviors that a parent believes their child should do.
Expecting that your child keeps you informed about what is going on in their life, behaves a certain way, or meets certain standards are all things that can be categorized as conditions.
In many ways, conditions are very similar to “rules”, though the difference between these depends on how they are communicated to your adolescent.

When these expectations are clearly established in advance, then it will be much easier to have a more reasonable conversation with your child in the event that the expectations are ever violated.
As a parent, your reaction to the differences between your expectations and reality can have a tremendous influence on your teen’s overall state of mind.

ACCEPTANCE AND CHANGE
When communicating expectations with your adolescent, these expectations can generally be expressed in one of two different forms.

An expectation of acceptance positively affirms whatever your teenager is doing is the status quo.
For example, setting an expectation of acceptance might be as simple as saying, “I will love you and be here for you no matter what.”
This is obviously not the same as saying, “you can do whatever you want,” but it helps create a predictable, stable, and loving environment for your teen.

An expectation of change, on the contrary, is a rejection of the status quo and expresses the need for your teen to modify their behavior.
For example, if your teen breaks a rule or a law—though you will still love and accept them no matter what—it is important to communicate that, “this behavior is not something I approve of and you need to make a change.”

Creating expectations of acceptance and expectations of change is not a mutually exclusive exercise.
While expectations of acceptance help your teen gain the security they need to be mentally healthy, expectations of change can also help them improve and become a better version of themselves.

FINDING THE BALANCE BETWEEN MOTIVATION AND PRESSURE
One of the most important things about effectively creating expectations is making sure that they are realistic.
For example, a realistic expectation might be something like “I expect you to try your best in school.”
But setting an overly ambitious or unrealistic expectation such as “I expect you to graduate at the top of your class and have a perfect grade point average”, can be counterproductive and overburden your teenager.

Teenagers like everyone else make mistakes and are always less than perfect.
This is perfectly okay.
By simply accepting your teenager as they are, letting them know that you will be there for them along the way, and communicating that you believe they are capable of doing great things, you will have created an environment that is much more conducive to their success.

Finding the balance between motivation and pressure can be difficult, but it is certainly not impossible.
Managing your expectations of your adolescent involves clear communication, constant support, and a willingness to empathize with what they are going through.

[AD2: ENTERTAINMENT]

[SEGMENT 3]

PAYING THE PRICE FOR UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Both for the sake of unconditional caring and for the sake of healthy guidance, the two sets of parental expectations need to be realistic to be effective.
When it comes to unrealistic parental expectations of acceptance, parents can pay a heavy price.

The parent who predicts the adolescent will continue to prize parental company more than any other can feel surprised and anxious when the young person now prefers spending time with peers instead of time with the mom or dad.
This parent cannot make peace with this loss of companionship.

The parent whose ambition is to enjoy the same interests with the adolescent that were shared with the child can feel disappointed and saddened when differentiation from childhood and parents causes that similarity to be lost.
This parent cannot make peace with this loss of commonality.

The parent whose condition is that the adolescent should continue to look up to and want to please the parent as in childhood can feel betrayed and angry when the young person becomes less considerate and more critical.
This parent cannot make peace with this loss of standing.

These parents can certainly choose to maintain these unrealistic expectations, but they will do so at an emotional cost — feeling abandoned, rejected, and disparaged.
It is better to adjust their expectations to fit the new teenage reality and not protest normal alterations that adolescence brings.

When it comes to unrealistic parental expectations of change, the challenge can be a tricky one, particularly around issues of school performance.
Don’t hold performance expectations of your adolescent so unrealistically high the young person cannot reach them and feels let down
But don’t hold performance expectations so unrealistically low that the young person neglects to actualize and express her given capacity.

The management of parental expectations is extremely complicated during their daughter or son’s changing teenage years.
Because these mental sets can prove so emotionally costly when unrealistic, parents continually need to check them out.
The acceptance question: “Am I keeping my expectations current with existing alterations in my adolescent?”
The change question: “Is the growth I am pressing for with my adolescent compatible with what is really possible and for the best?”

[TRANSITION]

[CLOSE]

Closing thoughts shoutouts

[OUTRO AND CREDITS]

Show Plugs
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Expectations in teens

00:00:01:17 – 00:00:41:10
Michelle
Insightful podcasts by informative host insights into things, a podcast network welcome to Insights into Teens. A podcast series exploring the issues and challenges of today’s youth. Your hosts are Joseph and Madison as a father and daughter team making their way through the challenges of.

00:00:41:10 – 00:00:42:21
Michelle
The teenage years.

00:00:51:05 – 00:01:03:22
Madison
Welcome to Insights into Teens. This is episode one 51 Managing Teen Expectations. I’m your host, Madison Wayland, and my co-host, Joseph Boylan.

00:01:03:25 – 00:01:07:21
Joseph
Hello, Mary Ellen. Now, are you today?

00:01:08:02 – 00:01:10:12
Madison
I am doing all right. How about you?

00:01:10:13 – 00:01:18:04
Joseph
I am wonderful today. It was a short week because of the holiday and it’s almost over, so I’m doing pretty good, actually.

00:01:18:10 – 00:01:19:13
Madison
That’s nice.

00:01:20:04 – 00:01:24:11
Joseph
So you had your first summer band practice yesterday?

00:01:24:20 – 00:01:25:02
Madison
Yep.

00:01:25:02 – 00:01:26:18
Joseph
I did that working for it.

00:01:27:01 – 00:01:29:18
Madison
I’m I got a new instrument.

00:01:29:24 – 00:01:30:22
Joseph
And a new injury.

00:01:31:05 – 00:01:34:05
Madison
Well, it’s not really an injury. Just pulled the muscle.

00:01:34:14 – 00:01:34:21
Joseph
Off.

00:01:34:21 – 00:01:36:12
Madison
Or two. I’m not entirely sure.

00:01:36:25 – 00:01:39:09
Joseph
So your new instrument. Tell us about it.

00:01:39:27 – 00:01:46:27
Madison
It’s called a mellow phone, and it’s basically a trumpet, one in a lower key.

00:01:47:05 – 00:01:47:21
Joseph
In fact.

00:01:48:02 – 00:01:55:14
Madison
Most of the fingerings are the same, like 95%, and it’s just a lower instrument. And they thought I would be good at it.

00:01:55:24 – 00:02:04:20
Joseph
Okay. Now, was this because you weren’t doing good on trumpeters? Because they’re trying to diversify the sound of the of the band?

00:02:05:02 – 00:02:19:13
Madison
They were I’m pretty sure they were trying to diversify. They didn’t have a megaphone last time. And like, apparently a megaphone is like a like strictly marching band instrument. And I guess they wanted to have one. And they felt that I was the best candidate for it.

00:02:19:19 – 00:02:27:11
Joseph
Okay. Now, do you have to learn, like new marching steps now that you’re carrying this? Because it’s a completely different configuration, isn’t it?

00:02:27:19 – 00:02:43:06
Madison
Well, kind of it has a similar weight to it, but the bell is a lot heavier and larger. So it’s going to be kind. And it is a little bulkier than my trumpet, but I think like I just really have to get used to using that instrument as opposed to the trumpet.

00:02:43:12 – 00:02:46:21
Joseph
And I say, Okay. Confident. Well.

00:02:47:02 – 00:02:52:23
Madison
Yeah. So far I’m starting now pretty good. I think for the first time using it, it was pretty good.

00:02:52:29 – 00:02:53:25
Joseph
Good, good.

00:02:54:23 – 00:02:59:12
Madison
But that’s not what we’re talking about today. Although we went on reasonably large tunes and.

00:02:59:12 – 00:03:01:12
Joseph
We did talk about it. Okay.

00:03:01:19 – 00:03:08:02
Madison
We’ll talk about that more when we actually get to another marching band video. So you can stay tuned for that.

00:03:08:07 – 00:03:08:26
Joseph
No spoilers.

00:03:09:12 – 00:03:46:06
Madison
But right now we’re going to talk about teen expectations. So expectations we place in our T on our children are important They help set the future, keep them focused, and guide them through their very their their formative years. But expect nations must be realistic and achievable, otherwise they risk having a detrimental effect on our kids. In today’s episode of Insights into Teens, we’ll discuss the nature and importance of electric expectations and how to manage those expectations and keep them realistic.

00:03:46:08 – 00:03:48:24
Joseph
And we’ll even teach you how to pronounce it by the end of the show. Hopefully.

00:03:49:05 – 00:04:14:23
Madison
Yeah. Thanks. But first, I’d like to invite the listening and viewing audience to subscribe to the podcast. You can find audio versions listed under insights into Teens. You can also find video and audio versions listed under insights into things. We can be found on their most podcast providers, including Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, Stitcher, iHeartRadio, TuneIn, and much more.

00:04:16:06 – 00:04:39:29
Madison
I’d also like to invite you to give us your feedback on what we’re talking about here. Give us your suggestions for show topics. You can email us at comments and insights on the things outcome. We’re on Twitter at Twitter. Underscore Oh no. Or Twitter at insights underscore things. You can get us on Facebook at WW dot facebook dot com.

00:04:41:03 – 00:04:41:26
Joseph
Dragon this one.

00:04:42:11 – 00:04:47:10
Madison
Sorry you can get us on Facebook get insights into things podcast is that that’s.

00:04:47:10 – 00:04:47:19
Joseph
Close.

00:04:47:20 – 00:05:00:27
Madison
Enough. You can find us on Instagram at w w w dot instagram.com slash insights into things and you can get links to all of these and more on our website at WW dot insights on things dot.

00:05:00:27 – 00:05:03:12
Joseph
Com always seriously just send it to the website.

00:05:03:12 – 00:05:04:11
Madison
Yes please.

00:05:04:27 – 00:05:09:13
Joseph
Very well we struggled through that one. Hopefully we got a lot of stumbles out of the way and we’ll be good to go.

00:05:09:14 – 00:05:11:17
Madison
Yeah. Shall we.

00:05:11:20 – 00:05:13:22
Joseph
We shall. Here we go.

00:05:19:18 – 00:05:48:12
Madison
So first we’re going to talk about the nature of expectations and this comes to us from Psychology Today. Gatcombe Expectations are psychologically important. Expectations are mental sets. We choose to hold that help us move through time, through change and through experience in order to anticipate the next reality we encounter, to appreciate the power of expectations Consider how much we routinely depend upon them.

00:05:48:26 – 00:06:12:14
Madison
We approach each day with a huge array of them in place to help us a short assume what we can count on and look forward to. To work with, not to wake up with no idea what to expect creates ignorance that can be confusing and at the very least, at the very least and anxiety provoking at most.

00:06:13:03 – 00:06:41:10
Joseph
Expectations are anticipatory. They can ease our way through life when they roughly fit the next reality we encounter. They can facilitate market passively to adjust to the new and different. Although we may not like the reality we foresee, at least expectations can help us get prepared for parents might take some preparatory responsibility for a teenager who faced with some major life change.

00:06:41:20 – 00:07:01:11
Joseph
Mom or dad wants to help a young person build realistic expectations about what the new experience will be like in order to help with the transition things such as going off to middle school, to high school or college can all be traumatic things that kids need to learn how to deal with in their own way.

00:07:02:01 – 00:07:30:01
Madison
Or the parents are going through a divorce, or the parents going through a divorce, or careful to let a young child know what the new family arrangements are going to be. Now, careful to do this because going through a time of uncertainty, there is security and knowing what to expect and insecurity when one does not. The same principle of informed readiness applies when it comes to parents getting prepared for common changes to expect when their child begins.

00:07:30:01 – 00:07:43:09
Madison
The adolescent transition from childhood to young adult to have a set, expect to have a set of expectations that roughly fit the general transformation of going individuality and independence. It’s helpful now.

00:07:43:25 – 00:08:13:23
Joseph
So the way they’re kind of depicting it in this this first example here, I guess, is it’s more like having a set of rules or a set of guidelines that you use to kind of keep yourself on a path, you know, on a routine, on a what to expect next. You find that you’ve got expectations that are that are kind of along those lines, like, okay, my expectation in the summer is I’m going to get up and I’m going to do this.

00:08:13:23 – 00:08:23:07
Joseph
And over the course of so many days, I have this work to do and stuff like that. Do you find you have those expectations and how does if you do, how do they guide you?

00:08:23:24 – 00:08:54:08
Madison
Yeah, I definitely would say I have those expectations, especially when I’m, you know, at home during summer. It’s like, okay, there’s certain things I want to get done today. I want to make sure to do them in a timely manner. And basically, it would either consist of some chores that I was planning on doing to that day, some summer homework that I needed to also complete, as well as just really having my own time to relax and also even practice for marching band when I get the chance.

00:08:54:08 – 00:08:59:00
Madison
So yeah, I’d say I do have expectations for what I want done during the day.

00:08:59:17 – 00:09:26:14
Joseph
And in the professional world, you have the same type of thing. Like there’s certain things at work that are routine, things that have to be done. There’s maintenance things that have to be done either specific to the job or that pertain to, you know, managing resources or managing employees. And these expectations are sort of the things that keep, you on that keep all the train tracks ready to keep you upright, you know where you’re going.

00:09:26:17 – 00:09:54:28
Joseph
You do these types of things over and over, and it’s kind of repetitive thing So next, we’re going to talk a little bit about the understanding of the importance of expectations. This actually comes to us from Polaris team that at their core, having expectations makes the world a bit more predictable. Expectations help us transform the unfamiliar year world beyond us into something we can reasonably begin to understand.

00:09:55:26 – 00:10:09:24
Joseph
Having a stable familiarity with the world makes it much easier to adapt to new circumstances in our lives. This is why having a reasonable set of expectations is so essential for the healthy development of an adolescent.

00:10:10:19 – 00:10:49:16
Madison
Though there are many things in the future of your teens lives that simply cannot be predicted and established short of expectations can help them anticipate probable outcomes and navigate through new sources of adversity. Common challenges faced by many teenagers include depression, trouble at school, divorce and family issues social pressures and difficulty forming a positive identity. Overcoming these sources of adversity is easiest when a parent and their teenager can work together as a team, when the world can be predicted in a manageable way, accomplishing goals and mentally developing become much more possible.

00:10:50:09 – 00:11:18:14
Joseph
So one of the things that come to mind with expectations is kind of a discussion that we were having earlier in the week about the expectations of the next year at school. Right. So you’re taking a few more advanced classes. Oh, excuse me. And the expectations are going to be increased because being advanced classes, there’s going to be more work involved.

00:11:18:14 – 00:11:43:25
Joseph
It’s going to happen at a faster pace. You’re going to be kind of expected to work a little bit more independently than you have in the past, knowing that. Do you find that to be helpful? Do you find it a source of anxiety? What are your feelings in knowing those expectations? Now? Because I know I know how you reacted to it when we had the discussion.

00:11:43:25 – 00:11:50:20
Joseph
But when you look at it from an expectation standpoint, how does it how do you how are you impacted by that.

00:11:51:08 – 00:12:17:22
Madison
As opposed by an expectation standpoint? It really is. It’s like a good thing in that regard because it’s like I’m going to be learning valuable skill sets from it. And having those expectations to help to guide me to that point is important. So I cannot I understand why they set those expectations, and it makes sense for them to set those expectations.

00:12:18:09 – 00:12:24:01
Madison
But at the same time, yeah, it is kind of anxiety inducing, knowing there’s more pressure on me.

00:12:24:04 – 00:12:47:25
Joseph
Almost. Yeah. And I think the closest thing that I can equate to this from a professional standpoint, two things really. One is if I’m on vacation, I always check my email on vacation. I may not be dealing with things from work, but I want to know what’s going on because I want to set that expectation of what that workload is going to be.

00:12:47:25 – 00:13:08:20
Joseph
When I come back, that that first couple of days, when I come back, I need to have that expectation so I can set my schedule and know where I have to prioritize things. So that’s a good thing. The other thing is when I’m handed a new project and I just got handed another big new project this week, I have to talk to my boss tomorrow about it.

00:13:10:01 – 00:13:43:29
Joseph
There’s that anxiety there that, okay, well, I’m working in hours now on a full time job doing maintaining everything I’m doing now and keeping everything going now, and I’m getting another project. Okay. So what has the sacrifice word of things have to sacrifice. And you start like turning this over in your head as far as your hand, it is very similar to you being told, Oh, well, you’re going into three new advanced classes and you’re going to have 30% more work.

00:13:43:29 – 00:14:12:22
Joseph
And it’s like, Whoa, wait a second, I’m booked up right now as it is. That’s kind of how the projects are in the anticipation. It is anxiety driving on one hand. On the other hand, it’s allowing me to sort of think ahead a few steps and figure out how I’m going to get it done, what’s going to sacrifice where my priority he’s going to shift, what resources do I need to call on in order to get the job done?

00:14:13:23 – 00:14:26:10
Joseph
Because ultimately, we’ll get the job done. It’s just about how inconvenient or how much of a pain in the neck it’s going to be for us. But we’re going to get the job done no matter what. And that’s really the bottom line, right?

00:14:26:15 – 00:14:27:02
Madison
I mean, yeah.

00:14:27:12 – 00:14:41:19
Joseph
So I’m not too concerned about that, but there is that little bit of anxiety that happens. So we’re going to take our first break here. And when we come back, we’re going to talk about different kinds of expectations. We’ll be right back.

00:14:50:24 – 00:15:20:29
Joseph
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00:15:21:24 – 00:15:45:09
Joseph
We’re family. Join us on the Star Forge server for nightly events such as Operation Wins, Flashpoints, World Boss Funds, Star Wars, Trivia Guild, Lottery, and much more. Visit us on the web today. And w. W. W. But the second sip and fire dot com.

00:15:52:15 – 00:16:23:07
Madison
Welcome back to insights into the today we’re talking about managing teen expectations And now we’re going to talk about the different kinds of expectations. Expectations can generally be placed into three distinct categories. The first category being predictions of a prediction is something that a parent believes has the highest probability probability of actually happening Predictions can come in both positive and negative forms, though some negative predictions are best kept to yourself.

00:16:24:26 – 00:16:43:15
Madison
Some examples of a positive prediction might be, I believe I will have a loving relationship with my teenager, or I believe my teenager will get into a top tier university an example of a negative prediction might be something like, I believe my teenager will have trouble saying no to peer pressure.

00:16:44:20 – 00:16:49:25
Joseph
Okay, well, we’ll stay away from the negative ones for this podcast because we try to keep things upbeat here, right?

00:16:50:00 – 00:16:50:21
Madison
Yeah, sure.

00:16:51:01 – 00:17:26:15
Joseph
So the next type of expectation, our ambitions and ambition is something that can only be positive. So I got the good one here. Negative ambitions are defined as what parents want for their teenagers. These include things such as graduating from a certain school, participating in certain activities, and maintaining a positive relationship. Ambitions established by their parents are often the greatest source of pressure in an adolescent’s life, though when they are communicated and established in an effective way.

00:17:27:03 – 00:17:29:26
Joseph
These ambitions can help them achieve great things.

00:17:30:13 – 00:17:59:18
Madison
And the final category is conditions. These are the types of behaviors that a parent believe the child should do. Expect, you know, your child keeps you informed about what is going on in their life, behaves in a certain way or meets certain standard words are all things that can be categorized as conditions. In many ways, conditions are very similar to rules, though the difference between these depends on how they are communicated to your adolescent.

00:18:00:05 – 00:18:31:16
Joseph
When these expectations are clearly established in advance. They don’t mean much easier to have a more reasonable conversation with your child in the event that expectations are ever violated. As a parent, your reaction to the differences between your expectations and reality can have a tremendous influence on your teen’s overall state of mind. So with that in mind, let me ask you, what do you think of the expectations that Mommy and Daddy have on you?

00:18:31:21 – 00:18:39:06
Joseph
Do we do we project on you with any unrealistic expectations? Let me answer that first.

00:18:39:25 – 00:19:01:11
Madison
I definitely want to say that you don’t like. You definitely don’t like a project like, oh, I wish you would go to this college or, oh, I want you to do this, or I want you to do that. Like, you really don’t project like any kind of most of the time, you don’t project any ambitions on to me unless you think I can handle them.

00:19:01:22 – 00:19:06:21
Madison
Most of the time, you’re there are no real unrealistic expectations when it comes to you guys.

00:19:07:09 – 00:19:21:09
Joseph
Do you think that we don’t have enough expectations for you or. Or that we’re not? Not the mic turns, but we’re not ambitious enough with the expectations we honor.

00:19:22:03 – 00:19:44:15
Madison
Well, I definitely know that there is one solid expectation that you normally have of me, and that’s that I always do my best. No matter if I do good or not. And really, whenever I do have my own fears of my own expectations, you kind of show me your expectations, saying that you don’t expect me to really succeed.

00:19:44:16 – 00:19:46:10
Madison
Just expect me to do the best I can.

00:19:47:08 – 00:20:03:29
Joseph
Okay. Feel good. I don’t feel so bad about things that what are the conditions? I mean, there’s we all play by rules, right? What kind of expectations do we have that would be categorized as conditions that we impose on you? And do you find them overly burdensome.

00:20:06:18 – 00:20:11:09
Madison
Well, you kind of condition me to be a decent human being.

00:20:11:11 – 00:20:17:06
Joseph
At least that’s overly burdensome, I’m sure. All right. In today’s world, that’s a challenge.

00:20:17:14 – 00:20:39:22
Madison
You tell me to, you know, not speak out. If there is something that I don’t like, you tell me to be nice to people even to the people you don’t like. You at least shouldn’t try to tolerate them. Really, the main conditions you have is just as long as you’re not, like, outright screaming at somebody. And as long as they can have their opinion, you of yours and you guys can stay peacefully, that’s good.

00:20:40:20 – 00:20:59:02
Joseph
Okay. I wasn’t expecting that to be where we were going with that. Do you think there are expectations that we should have for you, or do you anticipate expectations changing as you continue to progress on your scholastic career?

00:20:59:20 – 00:21:20:11
Madison
I mean, probably considering I’m taking on even more advanced courses. Yeah, I kind of I said the expectations would probably change along with that. Not by much, but I can definitely see you guys also expecting a little bit more of me when I as I get through it.

00:21:20:18 – 00:21:23:22
Joseph
All right. Well, at least then I will be a surprise. What else we.

00:21:25:05 – 00:21:55:08
Madison
Then we have acceptance and change when communicating expectations with your adolescence. These expectations can generally be expressed in one of two different forms. An expectation of acceptance positively affirms whatever your teenager is going through. That whatever your teenager doing is the status quo. For example, setting an expectation of acceptance might be as simple as saying, I will love you and be here for you no matter what.

00:21:55:23 – 00:22:03:04
Madison
This is obviously not the same as saying you can do whatever you want, but it helps create a predictable, stable and loving environment. For your teen.

00:22:04:02 – 00:22:28:22
Joseph
An expectation of change, on the contrary, is a rejection of the status quo and expresses the need for your teen to modify their behavior. For example, if your team breaks a rule or a law, though, you will still love and accept them no matter what It’s important to communicate that this behavior is not something I approve of, and you need to make a change.

00:22:29:16 – 00:22:51:12
Joseph
Creating expectations of accept ins and expectations of change is not a mutually exclusive exercise. While expectations of acceptance help your team gain the security they need to be mentally healthy, expectations of change can also help them improve and become a better version of themselves.

00:22:53:02 – 00:23:23:05
Madison
Then we have finding the balance between motivation and pressure. One of the most important things about effectively creating expectations is making sure that they are realistic. For example, a realistic expectation might be something like I expect you to try your best at school, but setting an overly ambitious or unrealistic expectation, such as I expected to graduate at the top of your class and have a perfect grade point average can be counterproductive and over and overburden your teenager.

00:23:23:20 – 00:23:51:22
Joseph
Which you did last in this last school year. You know, at the top of your class, but without an expectation Teenagers like everyone else make mistakes and are always less than perfect. That’s perfectly okay by simply accepting your teenager as they are letting them know that you will be there for them along the way in communicating that you believe they are capable of doing great things.

00:23:52:07 – 00:24:22:09
Joseph
You’ll have created an environment that is much more conducive to their success. Finding the balance between motivation and pressure can be difficult, but it’s certainly not impossible. Managing your expectations of your own lesson involves clear communication concerns support and a willingness to emphasize empathize with what they are going through. Do you think we meet a good balance between motivation and pressure with you?

00:24:22:18 – 00:24:46:14
Madison
Yeah. Like I said, the whole example of you telling me to at least do my best in school and if you don’t, we’re going to basically work through it. But then you also kind of somewhat pressure me to learn how to fix it, but like, not in an overbearing way. Of course, you certainly, like, make a good balance of it.

00:24:46:14 – 00:25:01:20
Madison
Like, you certainly give me enough motivation and along with that motivation, with a tiny bit of pressure, you’re able to help me realize that I should act to help me, like, get through a challenge and learn from my mistake.

00:25:02:12 – 00:25:21:05
Joseph
How do you think you manage the motivation and pressure dynamic on yourself? Do you think you’re good? Earlier on, we kind of talked about how you were the perfectionist and you put a lot of pressure on yourself. Do you think you’re getting better at balancing that motivation versus pressure type thing?

00:25:25:02 – 00:25:44:08
Madison
I don’t know, really. I still I still try to pressure myself way too much and that ultimately ends up giving me more anxiety. The thing I can say is that I certainly pressure myself more than you guys pressure me. So if that does anything.

00:25:45:13 – 00:26:12:17
Joseph
And it does. And I think that’s a very accurate statement. And I really think that and we’ve talked about this before, but I think part of the issue is that you when you succeed, you should be building confidence. It’s almost like working a muscle, right? So you don’t work a muscle. It’s going to atrophy. It’s going to get weak and you’re not going to be able to do anything with it.

00:26:13:15 – 00:26:51:12
Joseph
But every time you exercise that muscle and you lift that weight, that’s the equivalent of succeeding at something. And every time you lift that weight, the muscle gets stronger a little bit. Well, every time you succeed at accomplishing something, your confidence should get stronger. And it should be proportional to the level of achievement that you make with whatever the activity is and where I think you might fall down here and where we get that mess, that imbalance is that your level of confidence doesn’t go up with the amount of success as you have because you have a tremendous number of successes.

00:26:51:25 – 00:27:17:03
Joseph
The fact that you’re number one in your class this year, you know, let’s put aside the fact that you get straight A’s or you get straight A’s anger number one in your class. That’s a huge accomplishment. And you should be a lot not getting overly confident or cocky about it, but you should relish and you should appreciate all that hard work that you put in last year.

00:27:17:03 – 00:27:45:07
Joseph
And the accomplishment that you got at the end of the year by having that account, that award. And I think you fail to give yourself the credit that you deserve when you have those successes. And I think if you learn to kind of digest those success is a little bit better, it’ll help build that confidence and allow you to balance that motivation and pressure dynamic a little bit better.

00:27:45:27 – 00:28:05:20
Joseph
That’s where we have to work on, and we probably need to have a confidence building podcast that we can we can kind of go into that and show you how to do some of the confidence building exercises and really appreciate the things that you’ve done, you know, with band again this year. Okay. Last year you were a rookie.

00:28:05:20 – 00:28:39:02
Joseph
You’re coming into your second year now. So all those, those rookie you know, butterflies and anxieties that you had are gone and they’re asking you to change your instrument, not because you’re not playing your instrument. Good but because you’re playing your instrument so well that they think you’re capable of switching instruments. This year, after only one year in the marching band, they were so impressed with how well you perform that they’re asking you in order to help the band out.

00:28:39:02 – 00:29:13:11
Joseph
We want you to switch instruments to an instrument that’s better, appropriate, more appropriate for the band. That’s a compliment. And you have to see it as they so it’s things like that where we put together a podcast because I think a lot of other other teams out there could benefit from understanding how to appreciate their own accomplishments, because I think there’s a lot of kids out there who are kind of afraid to accept their accomplishments and realize what it means and the effect that it should have on their self-confidence.

00:29:14:16 – 00:29:23:15
Joseph
So we’ll do another podcast on I think that was it for that segment there, right? Did you have anything you want to add?

00:29:24:27 – 00:29:26:27
Madison
I think we’ve pretty much covered most of it.

00:29:26:28 – 00:29:29:23
Joseph
All right. Well, I want to paint it there. I apologize. You’re fine.

00:29:30:16 – 00:29:31:08
Madison
It’s a good tangent.

00:29:31:15 – 00:29:50:00
Joseph
Good, good. We’ve got a whole podcast, I would say. Yes, we’re going to have a podcast of tangents. That’s what that’s what real ultimately what we’re going for. Yeah. Our second break and we’re going to come back. We’re talking about paying the price for Unreal plastic expectations. Sounds erratic, doesn’t it?

00:29:50:01 – 00:29:50:21
Madison
I know, right?

00:29:50:25 – 00:29:52:29
Joseph
Going to leave that tees right there. We’ll be back.

00:30:01:06 – 00:30:07:02
Michelle
Insights into Entertainment, a podcast series taking a deeper look into entertainment and media.

00:30:09:08 – 00:30:55:17
Michelle
Our husband and wife team of pop culture fanatics are exploring all things from music and movies to television and fandom We’ll look at the interesting and obscure entertainment news of the week We’ll talk about theme park and pop culture news. We’ll give you the latest and greatest on Pop Culture Convention. We’ll give you a deep dove into Disney, Star Wars and much more Check out our video episodes at YouTube.com, Backslash Insights into Things, our audio episodes and podcast inside into entertainment dot com or check us out on the web at insights into things dot com.

00:31:03:06 – 00:31:32:14
Madison
Welcome back to INSIGHT in the teens. They were talking about managing teen expectations and now we’re going to talk about paying the price for unrealistic expectations both of us both for the sake of unconditional caring and for the sake of healthy guidance. The two sets of parental expectations need to be realistic to be effective when it comes to unreal estate, parental expectations of acceptance, parents can pay a heavy price.

00:31:33:07 – 00:31:55:25
Madison
The parent who predicts the adolescent will continue a price to two prized parental company more than any other make can feel surprised and anxious when the young person now prefers spending time with peers instead of time with the mom or dad. This parent cannot make peace with the lost of them, with the loss of companionship.

00:31:56:20 – 00:32:31:05
Joseph
The parent whose ambition is to enjoy the same interests with the adolescent that was shared with a child, can feel disappointed and saddened when differentiation from childhood and parents forces that similarity to be lost. This parent cannot make peace with the loss of commonality. Then there’s the parent whose condition is that the adolescent should continue to look up to and want to please the parent as in childhood, they can feel betrayed and angry when the young person becomes less considerate and more critical.

00:32:31:27 – 00:32:35:02
Joseph
This parent cannot make peace with the loss of standing.

00:32:35:24 – 00:33:10:13
Madison
These parents can certainly can certainly choose to maintain these unrealistic expectations. But they will do so. And then emotional cost. Feeling abandoned, rejected, or disparaged. It is better to adjust their expectations to fit with the new teenage reality and not protest normal alterations that adolescence brings. When it comes to unrealistic parental expectations, of change, the challenge can be a tricky one, particularly around issues of school performance.

00:33:10:29 – 00:33:28:10
Madison
Don’t hold performance expectations of your adolescence so unreal is typically high. The young person cannot reach them and feels let down, but don’t hold performance expectations so unrealistically low that the young person neglects to actualize and express her given capability.

00:33:29:14 – 00:34:02:13
Joseph
The management of parental expectations is extremely complicated. During their daughter or son’s changing teenage years. Because these mental sets can prove so emotionally costly when unrealistic parents continually need to check them out. The Acceptance Question. Am I keeping my expectations current with existing alterations? And then a lesson in the change question is the growth I am pressing for with my adolescence compatible with what is really possible for the best?

00:34:03:01 – 00:34:43:01
Joseph
I think it’s interesting that the article went in this direction where it talked about the parents being the ones who were struggling with adjusting their expectations and the effect that it had on the parents. That’s a very real thing and nothing that that should be minimalized. I went through a very similar thing with Sam, and when Sam went through that process, you know, we had a very significant shift in our relationship dynamic that I struggle to cope with because of, you know, how he and I interacted with each other on on that level.

00:34:43:17 – 00:35:00:15
Joseph
And I, I had said for a very long time, there’s going to come a point when you’re not going to want to hang out with your dad anymore. And when other things are going to be more important And it was funny because he would play it off. Now, that’s not true and that’s not true. And I knew it was true and I told it to him.

00:35:01:10 – 00:35:32:09
Joseph
And then when it happened, I struggled with it. So it was kind of funny how that happened and that the sort of a win in that direction. But my question to you is, do you think that these dynamics themselves are going to have a profound impact on you when you reach a certain point and those expectations change and you’re more of an outward person when it comes to your friends than an inward person when it comes to mom and dad.

00:35:32:27 – 00:35:59:12
Madison
Well, I can certainly see I definitely know that any form of change coming about will certainly affect everyone involved. That’s definitely something I can say. And when it comes to wanting to hang out with my friends, more than wanting to hang out with my family, I can definitely see it would kind of change the dynamic at this point right now.

00:35:59:13 – 00:36:28:18
Madison
Like I’m not really at that point. I still hang out with my friends, but I’m not the most social person. So you got and like I am able to relate with you guys enough and I know you’re saying, you know, there’s going to come a point and it’s like I’m still kind of denying it, but it’s like I don’t really know when that would happen or and even if it’s going to happen, it probably will.

00:36:28:29 – 00:36:32:24
Madison
I’m or it won’t I don’t really know at this point.

00:36:33:07 – 00:37:02:25
Joseph
Well, and it’s interesting because I think back to when I went through this with my parents and the effect that it had on my mom. My mom was the parent that I was closest, and she had a very difficult time like when I moved out and I had moved out in with my first wife. And she felt very betrayed to the point that she was angry at me.

00:37:02:29 – 00:37:22:03
Joseph
And it took for a while to get over that, to realize that even though I wasn’t living there anymore, I was still there for her. If she needed me, I was still helping to support her. I was there on the weekends to to pick her up and take her off. And she didn’t drive I would take her to the store and a doctor’s appointment.

00:37:22:03 – 00:37:51:00
Joseph
So it took a little while for me to instill or to really to really reset those expectations that I’m not here all the time, but I’m not out of your life entirely. And it was almost like a negotiation that we had to come to where I had to prove to her that I wasn’t just abandoning her because she felt by that point my dad had passed away and she felt very alone.

00:37:51:03 – 00:38:18:03
Joseph
And when I left to have my own life, it she felt that was a betrayal to her. And it took a good probably eight to ten months before I finally got her to the point where she accepted the fact that this is the new dynamic Expectations have changed. They’ve matured a little bit, but it’s not we didn’t upset the apple cart completely.

00:38:19:04 – 00:38:27:09
Joseph
So it’s that fine balance, you know, that balance of expectations everybody has to have. What expectations do you have for mommy and daddy?

00:38:29:13 – 00:38:52:07
Madison
Well, I guess my main expectations are that you guys don’t try to instill in me any inherent toxic traits. My expectation is that in the event that either you to have any thoughts about getting a divorce, you guys will actually be respectful about it. And if, like.

00:38:53:05 – 00:38:54:08
Joseph
Did you hear something I had?

00:38:54:09 – 00:39:17:06
Madison
No, no. It’s like, I don’t know. It’s like my main expectation is like, I don’t want you guys to stay in the relationship if you guys aren’t happy. And it’s like, I want you I want communication. That’s the biggest thing. I want the communication in our relationships. I want you guys to both be communicating with each other. I want you guys to communicate with me.

00:39:17:14 – 00:39:37:21
Madison
If anything is going on, I want you guys to tell me or I want you guys to tell each other and effectively communicate with each other because I know communication is like one of the biggest things in a relationship and no matter what it comes down to, I just want communication. Well, proper communication to at least be instilled in our relationships.

00:39:38:06 – 00:39:46:10
Joseph
Wow, that got dark. Yes, yes. Holy moly. I never thought you were going to go there with that. What did you expect?

00:39:46:10 – 00:39:47:03
Madison
I was going to go.

00:39:47:13 – 00:39:56:22
Joseph
I don’t know, like, hey, you know, I don’t want to do laundry for the rest of my life or something like that. You know, like, I didn’t think you were going to pull the divorce card. I, I.

00:39:56:22 – 00:40:17:24
Madison
Wasn’t. I didn’t mean the plan in that way. I was just going to say that, like, I didn’t like, I didn’t want to say, like, oh, I just expect you guys to stay together and love each other. And then it’s like, that’s kind of unrealistic. There could be a point where you guys just decide you’re done with each other, but then it’s like, well, then my expectation would just be, tell me and, like, tell each other.

00:40:17:24 – 00:40:18:19
Madison
At least have some.

00:40:18:20 – 00:40:32:21
Joseph
I’ll tell you what, if you hear that Mommy’s ready to kick me to the curb, you say something to me because I’m always listening or anything around a house. Okay? Just you communicate with me and I’ll communicate with you. All right, let’s just leave it at that.

00:40:33:12 – 00:40:34:14
Madison
You said anything.

00:40:34:29 – 00:40:45:26
Joseph
Oh, my goodness. Okay. So we’ll level and this before it gets any worse, and I have to get my lawyer involved. Yes, please.

00:40:48:06 – 00:40:57:21
Joseph
I think that’s all we had. We’re going to take a quick break, come back, and I cringe to say this, but we’re going to get your closing remarks. We’ll be right back.

00:41:03:16 – 00:41:34:03
Madison
Okay. So for everyone involved, expectations at least healthy ones are definitely very beneficial in order to help ease anxiety most of the time, as well as kind of help to set you up, possibly for success. But unrealistic expectations tend to do the exact opposite effects, causing way more anxiety and causing you to not really reach that point due to that anxiety.

00:41:34:03 – 00:41:38:29
Madison
So the best thing is like with everything. Find the perfect balance.

00:41:39:24 – 00:42:14:13
Joseph
Sage advice, as always. And that’s it for our episode today. Before we do go, I do want to once again invite our listening and viewing audience to subscribe to the podcast. You can find audio versions of this podcast listed as insights in the teens video and audio versions of all the networks. Podcast can be found listed as insights into teens, and you can find us on Apple Podcasts Pandora, Castro, Stitcher, Pod Being Bus anywhere you can get a podcast these days.

00:42:15:15 – 00:42:43:22
Joseph
I would also invite you to write in. Give us your feedback, tell us how we’re doing. Give us some suggestions on what issues you think we should be addressing on the show. You can email us at comments at insights into things dot com we are on Twitter at insights underscore things. You can find high res versions of our videos on YouTube at YouTube.com slash in science into the things we do stream five days a week on Twitch Twitch TV slash insights into things.

00:42:44:11 – 00:43:01:02
Joseph
If you are an Amazon Prime member, you do get a monthly free twitch prime subscription. If you threw that our way, we’d appreciate it. You can get links to all these and more on our official website at WW Dot Insights into things dot com and you.

00:43:01:14 – 00:43:11:22
Madison
And don’t forget to check out our other two podcasts, Insights into Entertainment hosted by you and Mommy and I don’t know. Tomorrow, our monthly podcast hosted by you and my brother Sam.

00:43:11:23 – 00:43:16:11
Joseph
Unless you watch the last couple, one of them which we spent, we switch things up and really confusion.

00:43:16:12 – 00:43:16:25
Madison
Yeah.

00:43:17:09 – 00:43:21:04
Joseph
But anyway, that’s it. We’re done. Another one in the book.

00:43:21:11 – 00:43:22:02
Madison
By one.

00:43:22:04 – 00:43:22:20
Joseph
By.