Insights Into Teens: Episode 91 “Conflict Resolution”

Scroll down to see more content

This week we’re talking about conflict resolution. We’ll look at some of the common causes of conflict, how conflicts aren’t necessarily a bad thing and how we can learn from them. We’ll talk about the ten commandments of conflicts and how to handle conflicts with love ones, friends and others. We’ll show you the skills you need to cope with conflict, how to avoid turning it into a negative experience and finally we’ll discuss the steps to take to reach a conflict resolution.

Much of what we talk about in this weeks episode applies not only to teens but to any situation where two or more people find themselves in conflict or on opposite sides of a given issue. We’ll teach you how to compromise, how to reason, and how to see a given issue from both sides you can better understand all points of view and argue your points from an informed perspective.

Audio
Youtube
Twitch
Twitter
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe to Audio
Subscribe to Youtube
Subscribe to Video

Show Notes

[INTRO THEME]

[TRANSITION]

[SEGMENT 1]

Why Does Conflict Occur?

https://www.momjunction.com/articles/important-conflict-resolution-skills-for-teenagers_00106119/
https://bit.ly/2Jopo2V
  • Conflict is part of life.
  • No matter how much you want to protect your child from it, she has to face this reality.
  • Conflict can occur within the family, with siblings and parents, with friends, and with society in general.
  • But the one thing you need to teach your teenagers is that a conflict need not be a negative experience.
  • Remember, conflict can lead to change, positive change!
      

Consequences Of Teenage Conflicts

  • Without the necessary skill set, a teenager can land in tough situations when it comes to conflicts.
  • At home, unresolved conflicts can lead to strained relations.
  • Outside, it can lead to broken friendships, hours of detention, and even violence!

Being a teenager is not easy.

  • The time between adulthood and childhood is full of changes – both physical and emotional.
  • With hormones raging, teenagers often find it difficult to be ‘social’.
  • Temper tantrums, sulking, ignoring parents – all these are standard teenage behavior.
  • Most teenagers feel that others ‘just don’t get it’.
  • But we have all been there.
  • We get it!
  • Equipping your teenager with the right set of life skills can help her manage these tumultuous years better.
  • Conflict resolution skills are something all teenagers must learn.

[AD1: SSE]

[SEGMENT 2]

Conflict Resolution Commandments

  • Commandment 1:
    • Conflict is a reality.
    • There is no escaping the fact.
    • Hiding won’t solve anything.
        
  • Commandment 2:
    • You can’t wish the problem away.
    • Don’t pretend and put on a mask.
    • Keeping your feelings cooped inside won’t work.
        
  • Commandment 3:
    • Learn to deal with the problem, not the person.
    • Conflict occurs because of a particular issue, not because of a person.
    • Don’t make it personal.
        
  • Commandment 4:
    • Be respectful.
    • Listen to the other person.
    • Really listen.
    • Listening to your parents or teachers may seem like a drag but zoning out is not the solution.
        
  • Commandment 5:
    • Be assertive.
    • You don’t need to be either passive or aggressive to deal with teen conflicts.
    • You need to be assertive.
    • Being assertive means putting your views forward confidently and calmly.
        
  • Commandment 6:
    • Learn to negotiate.
    • This is the most important skill you need to learn.
    • Negotiating is a skill that will serve you in the long term.
        
  • Commandment 7:
    • Stick to the present.
    • Don’t drag in past issues.
    • Doing so will only muddy the conflict further.
        
  • Commandment 8:
    • The silent treatment does not work.
    • Sulking is as bad as getting aggressive – it won’t solve the problem.
    • Talk it out.
        
  • Commandment 9:
    • Be understanding.
    • Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
    • Don’t get defensive.
    • Analyze the situation.
        
  • Commandment 10:
    • Learn to say sorry.
    • Stand in front of the mirror and practice, if the need be!
    • If you are wrong, accept it.
    • Doing so will not make you look weak.
    • Only a strong person has the strength to say ‘sorry’.
    • This simple word can work like magic, try it!

[AD2: ENTERTAINMENT]

[SEGMENT 3] 

Steps to Conflict Resolution

Click to access conflict%20resolution.pdf

https://bit.ly/2TFK6wZ
  1. Set the stage.
    1. Agree to try to work together to find a solution peacefully, and establish ground rules (e.g., no name-calling, blaming, yelling, or interrupting).
        
  2. Gather perspectives.
    1. Each person describes the dispute from his or her perspective, without interruption.
    2. Listeners pay close attention and then ask clarifying questions in a nonthreatening manner.
    3. They consider not only what the other participants say they want, but why they want it.
      1. For example, if someone insists that you pay for something they believe you broke, they may be doing so not because they really care about the object or the money, but because they feel that you don’t respect them.
    4. Addressing the other person’s need to feel respected may be key to resolving the conflict.
        
  3. Find common interests.
    1. Establish which facts and issues all participants agree on and determine why different issues are important to each person.
    2. Identify common interests, which can be as simple as a mutual desire to resolve the problem without resorting to violence or a shared need to save face.
        
  4. Create options.
    1. Take time for each teen to brainstorm about possible solutions to the problem.
    2. Come up with a list of options without immediately judging them or feeling committed to them.
    3. Try to think of solutions where both people gain something-think winwin!
    4. Too often we assume that for one person to win, the other person has to lose.
    5. In reality, it is often possible to think creatively and come up with a solution that both people feel good about, where both walk away feeling that their needs have been met.
        
  5. Evaluate options.
    1. After a number of options are suggested, each teen discusses his or her feelings about each of the proposed solutions.
    2. Participants will negotiate and often will need to compromise in order to reach a conclusion that is acceptable to both.
    3. They may need to agree to disagree about some issues to reach an understanding.
        
  6. Create an agreement.
    1. The teens involved explicitly state their agreement and may even want to write it down.
    2. If necessary, they set up a time to check back to see how the agreement is working.

[TRANSITION]

[OUTRO AND CREDITS]

Transcription

0:00:00.710,0:00:03.610
[Music]

0:00:02.000,0:00:06.640
insightful podcasts

0:00:03.610,0:00:10.160
[Music]

0:00:06.640,0:00:10.160
by informative hosts

0:00:11.130,0:00:20.220
[Music]

0:00:15.360,0:00:26.110
insights into things a podcast network

0:00:20.220,0:00:26.110
[Music]

0:00:26.800,0:00:30.800
welcome to insights into teens a podcast

0:00:30.320,0:00:33.360
series

0:00:30.800,0:00:34.640
exploring the issues and challenges of

0:00:33.360,0:00:37.520
today’s youth

0:00:34.640,0:00:39.120
your hosts are joseph and madison whalen

0:00:37.520,0:00:41.440
a father and daughter team

0:00:39.120,0:00:44.700
making their way through the challenges

0:00:41.440,0:00:47.739
of the teenage years

0:00:44.700,0:00:47.739
[Applause]

0:00:51.520,0:00:55.280
welcome to insights into teens this is

0:00:54.480,0:00:59.359
episode

0:00:55.280,0:01:01.760
91 conflict resolution

0:00:59.359,0:01:02.640
i’m your host joseph whalen and my

0:01:01.760,0:01:05.600
mature

0:01:02.640,0:01:06.560
and diplomatic co-host madison weyland

0:01:05.600,0:01:08.479
hi everyone

0:01:06.560,0:01:10.400
how you doing today maddie i’m doing

0:01:08.479,0:01:11.280
pretty well so how was your week this

0:01:10.400,0:01:14.799
week

0:01:11.280,0:01:17.200
uh pretty stressful yeah

0:01:14.799,0:01:20.000
yeah i had a lot of stuff for school

0:01:17.200,0:01:21.840
especially coming back from the break

0:01:20.000,0:01:23.840
and honestly i’m just glad it’s the

0:01:21.840,0:01:26.080
weekend now so i can at least

0:01:23.840,0:01:28.080
have some type of relaxation even though

0:01:26.080,0:01:29.600
i still have work i need to do

0:01:28.080,0:01:31.920
well that’s the thing you kind of have

0:01:29.600,0:01:33.439
to make up for that short week with

0:01:31.920,0:01:36.079
the holiday and everything when you come

0:01:33.439,0:01:37.520
back right i guess

0:01:36.079,0:01:39.360
uh so today we’re going to be talking

0:01:37.520,0:01:43.040
about conflict resolution

0:01:39.360,0:01:45.119
this was actually a topic that you

0:01:43.040,0:01:47.360
wanted to talk about

0:01:45.119,0:01:48.799
you had gone over some of this in uh

0:01:47.360,0:01:50.560
school a few

0:01:48.799,0:01:52.799
oh geez i guess it’s a few months back

0:01:50.560,0:01:56.479
now right i think so maybe

0:01:52.799,0:01:59.119
yeah it’s been a while so uh

0:01:56.479,0:02:00.159
kind of an interesting topic one that i

0:01:59.119,0:02:02.000
think

0:02:00.159,0:02:03.680
everyone can benefit from it’s not just

0:02:02.000,0:02:05.360
a teen thing

0:02:03.680,0:02:07.680
but we’ll get into that we’ll talk about

0:02:05.360,0:02:10.080
what conflict is

0:02:07.680,0:02:11.440
why does it occur what are some of the

0:02:10.080,0:02:14.720
consequences

0:02:11.440,0:02:17.599
and some of the complications conflict

0:02:14.720,0:02:18.800
uh being a teenager in conflict comes

0:02:17.599,0:02:20.480
with

0:02:18.800,0:02:22.879
then we’re going to talk about some

0:02:20.480,0:02:25.200
conflict resolution commandments

0:02:22.879,0:02:26.480
which some of these i think kind of fell

0:02:25.200,0:02:28.239
in with what you had talked about in

0:02:26.480,0:02:31.760
school right

0:02:28.239,0:02:34.480
uh then we will talk about uh the steps

0:02:31.760,0:02:36.080
to conflict resolution which i think

0:02:34.480,0:02:37.599
you know ultimately is the important

0:02:36.080,0:02:41.200
thing here right

0:02:37.599,0:02:42.000
we all have to compromise and in in this

0:02:41.200,0:02:45.920
day of

0:02:42.000,0:02:47.519
uh political strife i think compromise

0:02:45.920,0:02:50.640
is something we could all use some

0:02:47.519,0:02:51.200
lessons on before we get started though

0:02:50.640,0:02:53.840
i would

0:02:51.200,0:02:56.720
invite folks to subscribe to us you can

0:02:53.840,0:02:59.599
get our video versions of our podcast

0:02:56.720,0:03:01.040
listed as insights into things you get

0:02:59.599,0:03:03.760
our audio versions

0:03:01.040,0:03:05.680
listed as insights into teens we’re

0:03:03.760,0:03:07.440
available on apple podcast spotify

0:03:05.680,0:03:10.879
google stitcher iheartradio

0:03:07.440,0:03:11.920
amazon and pandora we would also invite

0:03:10.879,0:03:15.040
folks to

0:03:11.920,0:03:16.239
contact us give us your feedback tell us

0:03:15.040,0:03:17.840
how we’re doing

0:03:16.239,0:03:19.680
if we’re doing anything wrong what you’d

0:03:17.840,0:03:21.720
like us to talk about

0:03:19.680,0:03:23.599
you can email us at comments at

0:03:21.720,0:03:25.599
insightsintothings.com

0:03:23.599,0:03:27.920
on twitter we’re at insights underscore

0:03:25.599,0:03:29.200
things on facebook you can get us at

0:03:27.920,0:03:32.080
facebook.com

0:03:29.200,0:03:34.959
insights into things podcast on

0:03:32.080,0:03:36.879
instagram we are at insights into things

0:03:34.959,0:03:38.640
or you can get links to all those plus

0:03:36.879,0:03:42.840
show notes transcripts

0:03:38.640,0:03:45.440
and all of our shows on our website at

0:03:42.840,0:03:47.200
http://www.insightsintothings.com

0:03:45.440,0:03:49.120
not all the boring stuff’s done you’re

0:03:47.200,0:03:50.100
ready to get into it sure why not all

0:03:49.120,0:03:55.439
right let’s go

0:03:50.100,0:03:59.120
[Music]

0:03:55.439,0:04:00.560
so why does conflict occur

0:03:59.120,0:04:03.040
now there’s a lot of different reasons

0:04:00.560,0:04:05.400
for it the source that we’re using here

0:04:03.040,0:04:07.360
is one we’ve used in the past called

0:04:05.400,0:04:09.200
momjunction.com

0:04:07.360,0:04:12.080
and the first thing they say is

0:04:09.200,0:04:15.920
conflicts are part of life

0:04:12.080,0:04:17.840
and we know that most

0:04:15.920,0:04:19.280
recently now the conflict is part of

0:04:17.840,0:04:21.519
life but it’s not restricted to just

0:04:19.280,0:04:25.360
humans right tell us a little bit about

0:04:21.519,0:04:27.280
that with our new edition oh yeah so um

0:04:25.360,0:04:29.520
last week we talked about the newest

0:04:27.280,0:04:32.880
addition to our family pumpkin

0:04:29.520,0:04:36.080
um in our last podcast and

0:04:32.880,0:04:39.840
um we kind of touched on it before but

0:04:36.080,0:04:42.720
um this week was liberation week before

0:04:39.840,0:04:43.600
pumpkin had to stay in my room that way

0:04:42.720,0:04:46.720
she would

0:04:43.600,0:04:49.680
be more comfortable in my room help and

0:04:46.720,0:04:51.360
we would bond together and uh this week

0:04:49.680,0:04:52.320
was the first time where she was fully

0:04:51.360,0:04:56.080
liberated

0:04:52.320,0:04:59.680
and uh she’s come in contact

0:04:56.080,0:05:02.560
with the other cats and um let’s just

0:04:59.680,0:05:04.960
say they definitely get into a lot of

0:05:02.560,0:05:07.440
conflict especially pumpkin and dorothy

0:05:04.960,0:05:09.280
dorothy is shown to be the alpha cat she

0:05:07.440,0:05:11.919
wants to be the alpha cat

0:05:09.280,0:05:12.880
but scene but seeing her interact with

0:05:11.919,0:05:14.800
pumpkin

0:05:12.880,0:05:16.080
it seems she’s afraid of pumpkins so a

0:05:14.800,0:05:19.360
bit of irony there

0:05:16.080,0:05:20.960
right leota she like as long as pumpkin

0:05:19.360,0:05:22.400
doesn’t get in her personal space she

0:05:20.960,0:05:24.560
can deal with it but

0:05:22.400,0:05:25.840
whenever she does she does get into a

0:05:24.560,0:05:28.400
bit of a hissy fit

0:05:25.840,0:05:28.880
right now the reason i mention that is

0:05:28.400,0:05:30.960
that

0:05:28.880,0:05:32.320
conflict is really part of human nature

0:05:30.960,0:05:35.280
and it has been for

0:05:32.320,0:05:36.479
for eons but the site goes on to say

0:05:35.280,0:05:38.479
that no matter how much you want to

0:05:36.479,0:05:40.639
protect your child from it

0:05:38.479,0:05:42.800
he or she has to face the reality that

0:05:40.639,0:05:44.960
conflict is going to happen

0:05:42.800,0:05:46.240
and conflict can occur with family with

0:05:44.960,0:05:50.840
siblings parents

0:05:46.240,0:05:53.199
friends with society or between kittens

0:05:50.840,0:05:55.280
apparently one thing you need to

0:05:53.199,0:05:58.240
teach your teenagers is that conflicts

0:05:55.280,0:06:00.800
need not be a negative experience

0:05:58.240,0:06:02.639
and i think that probably catches a lot

0:06:00.800,0:06:05.680
of people off guard is that

0:06:02.639,0:06:07.360
you know a conflict is not a fight

0:06:05.680,0:06:09.840
a conflict could be a difference of

0:06:07.360,0:06:12.800
opinions it could be a debate

0:06:09.840,0:06:15.039
on certain topics so conflicts

0:06:12.800,0:06:18.880
themselves aren’t necessarily

0:06:15.039,0:06:20.720
a bad thing and it’s important to

0:06:18.880,0:06:22.560
understand that when there is a conflict

0:06:20.720,0:06:24.880
of some nature

0:06:22.560,0:06:26.479
that you can make it a positive

0:06:24.880,0:06:27.759
experience you can make it a learning

0:06:26.479,0:06:31.120
experience

0:06:27.759,0:06:33.360
you can make it an educational

0:06:31.120,0:06:35.120
experience overall

0:06:33.360,0:06:38.400
and remember the conflict can lead to

0:06:35.120,0:06:42.479
change and change can be positive

0:06:38.400,0:06:42.479
so for instance if we’re talking about

0:06:42.720,0:06:50.000
i don’t know you might like

0:06:48.160,0:06:51.840
had i had an example before the show and

0:06:50.000,0:06:54.639
i can’t think of it now

0:06:51.840,0:06:54.960
but like you have an example on how you

0:06:54.639,0:06:57.919
want

0:06:54.960,0:07:00.160
the furniture arranged in your room okay

0:06:57.919,0:07:02.160
and i might think differently

0:07:00.160,0:07:04.639
you might want you know your bed in a

0:07:02.160,0:07:07.759
certain spot because

0:07:04.639,0:07:09.599
it gives you better light well i might

0:07:07.759,0:07:10.960
suggest we put the bed in a different

0:07:09.599,0:07:14.160
spot

0:07:10.960,0:07:16.400
that gives you more room and there’s

0:07:14.160,0:07:18.560
positives and negatives to both and you

0:07:16.400,0:07:21.680
might not have explored the

0:07:18.560,0:07:22.319
aspects that i had and at that point in

0:07:21.680,0:07:24.639
time

0:07:22.319,0:07:26.080
it’s a conflict but it’s not a fight

0:07:24.639,0:07:29.520
right yeah

0:07:26.080,0:07:31.120
so you may because of your listening

0:07:29.520,0:07:33.280
to me during this during the

0:07:31.120,0:07:34.720
conversation of the conflict

0:07:33.280,0:07:35.840
you may see things from a different

0:07:34.720,0:07:38.080
point of view and try something

0:07:35.840,0:07:39.520
different it might turn out better

0:07:38.080,0:07:41.680
so that’s kind of what we need to keep

0:07:39.520,0:07:44.479
in mind here

0:07:41.680,0:07:46.240
so consequences of teen conflicts they

0:07:44.479,0:07:48.800
also go into that and they say without

0:07:46.240,0:07:51.120
the necessary skill set

0:07:48.800,0:07:53.360
a teenager cannot land in tough

0:07:51.120,0:07:55.039
situations or test teenagers can land in

0:07:53.360,0:07:56.400
tough situations when it comes to

0:07:55.039,0:07:58.240
conflicts

0:07:56.400,0:07:59.599
and i think this comes to just about any

0:07:58.240,0:08:01.199
kind of interaction that you would

0:07:59.599,0:08:03.120
normally have right like if you don’t

0:08:01.199,0:08:05.120
know how to

0:08:03.120,0:08:06.240
speak in public and you have an

0:08:05.120,0:08:07.280
assignment where you have to speak in

0:08:06.240,0:08:08.639
public

0:08:07.280,0:08:12.080
you’re going to panic you’re going to

0:08:08.639,0:08:14.960
not be able to do it well right

0:08:12.080,0:08:17.599
tell us a little bit about the conflict

0:08:14.960,0:08:20.080
resolution skills that you learned from

0:08:17.599,0:08:21.759
the course in school well one of the

0:08:20.080,0:08:25.280
things they talked about

0:08:21.759,0:08:28.400
was to have to

0:08:25.280,0:08:29.199
if you and one person are in a conflict

0:08:28.400,0:08:32.240
and you’re both

0:08:29.199,0:08:34.399
very standing on your opinions

0:08:32.240,0:08:35.360
you can call in some someone called a

0:08:34.399,0:08:37.680
mediator

0:08:35.360,0:08:39.519
and the mediator is basically an outside

0:08:37.680,0:08:40.159
person that wasn’t involved in the

0:08:39.519,0:08:42.719
conflict

0:08:40.159,0:08:43.519
to begin with so they can hear both

0:08:42.719,0:08:47.440
sides

0:08:43.519,0:08:50.080
and think and think of a way to

0:08:47.440,0:08:52.480
help both sides either with a win-win

0:08:50.080,0:08:54.240
solution or a compromise

0:08:52.480,0:08:55.760
and that’s a role that you’ve played

0:08:54.240,0:08:58.240
quite frequently with your

0:08:55.760,0:08:59.760
friends right where you may have two

0:08:58.240,0:09:01.120
friends that are in conflict with each

0:08:59.760,0:09:02.959
other

0:09:01.120,0:09:04.640
and you step in and mediate that

0:09:02.959,0:09:07.920
discussion

0:09:04.640,0:09:08.560
and try to get them to agree on things

0:09:07.920,0:09:10.320
what it

0:09:08.560,0:09:11.760
you know describe a situation that

0:09:10.320,0:09:12.480
you’ve had to do that in where it’s

0:09:11.760,0:09:15.600
turned out

0:09:12.480,0:09:19.839
in a positive light well um

0:09:15.600,0:09:22.000
for one of the instances my friends um

0:09:19.839,0:09:22.959
basically have misunderstandings with

0:09:22.000,0:09:24.959
each other

0:09:22.959,0:09:27.440
my one friend kind of gets emotional at

0:09:24.959,0:09:30.480
certain things and my other friend

0:09:27.440,0:09:32.560
doesn’t fully understand it um

0:09:30.480,0:09:33.680
so whenever my one friend would get

0:09:32.560,0:09:35.839
emotional

0:09:33.680,0:09:37.680
and the other one and my other friend

0:09:35.839,0:09:39.839
wouldn’t be able to understand it

0:09:37.680,0:09:41.040
i’d be the mediator and try to help them

0:09:39.839,0:09:44.000
work it out

0:09:41.040,0:09:44.399
like i tell my one emotional friend that

0:09:44.000,0:09:46.880
hey

0:09:44.399,0:09:48.399
it’s okay it happens you just need to

0:09:46.880,0:09:50.880
learn how to handle it

0:09:48.399,0:09:52.160
and i teach my other friend hey this

0:09:50.880,0:09:54.560
happens to her

0:09:52.160,0:09:56.320
you don’t um you might not fully

0:09:54.560,0:09:59.440
understand it but you might want to

0:09:56.320,0:10:02.880
do it in order to help her out

0:09:59.440,0:10:05.040
right now conflicts can happen at home

0:10:02.880,0:10:07.920
where unresolved conflicts can lead to

0:10:05.040,0:10:09.519
strange relationships

0:10:07.920,0:10:12.079
one of the conflicts that we had

0:10:09.519,0:10:13.279
recently was the the debate

0:10:12.079,0:10:16.240
about whether or not we were going to

0:10:13.279,0:10:17.279
get another kitten now i did not want to

0:10:16.240,0:10:19.040
get one

0:10:17.279,0:10:21.440
obviously you and mommy did so i was

0:10:19.040,0:10:23.519
outvoted there everyone

0:10:21.440,0:10:25.600
but the compromise that we came to was

0:10:23.519,0:10:26.480
you know we came to terms on how we were

0:10:25.600,0:10:28.000
going to get

0:10:26.480,0:10:30.959
the kitten what kind of kit we were

0:10:28.000,0:10:34.000
going to get you know what your role

0:10:30.959,0:10:35.920
in taking care of kitten was so to

0:10:34.000,0:10:38.640
resolve that conflict we

0:10:35.920,0:10:41.200
we all came to terms with that we

0:10:38.640,0:10:42.800
understood that okay it’s not just

0:10:41.200,0:10:44.240
fun and games it’s a responsibility

0:10:42.800,0:10:46.000
thing it’s going to be a learning lesson

0:10:44.240,0:10:47.760
for you

0:10:46.000,0:10:49.440
you’re going to take care of the cat

0:10:47.760,0:10:51.120
we’re going to get a certain kind of cat

0:10:49.440,0:10:54.079
that will bought to you so

0:10:51.120,0:10:54.880
that’s how we resolve that conflict do

0:10:54.079,0:10:57.680
you think

0:10:54.880,0:10:59.200
that conflict resolution solution that

0:10:57.680,0:11:02.560
we came up with

0:10:59.200,0:11:04.839
is working out so far i mean yeah um

0:11:02.560,0:11:06.000
i definitely have learned to take

0:11:04.839,0:11:08.480
responsibility

0:11:06.000,0:11:10.320
and in fact i actually feel like i’m a

0:11:08.480,0:11:11.200
real parent because i’ve been having

0:11:10.320,0:11:13.839
like

0:11:11.200,0:11:16.000
these little panic attacks when pumpkins

0:11:13.839,0:11:18.800
leaving the nest as if like

0:11:16.000,0:11:20.800
your own child was going and doing their

0:11:18.800,0:11:23.200
own thing going out for school

0:11:20.800,0:11:24.880
and like since he was no longer under my

0:11:23.200,0:11:26.800
guard and i knew the other cats weren’t

0:11:24.880,0:11:28.800
particularly kind with her

0:11:26.800,0:11:30.720
i got so panicked the one day of

0:11:28.800,0:11:31.920
liberation that i ended up locking her

0:11:30.720,0:11:35.360
in for the night

0:11:31.920,0:11:36.640
oh wow that’s funny yeah i got so

0:11:35.360,0:11:40.000
panicked with it that

0:11:36.640,0:11:43.519
like i just i gotta

0:11:40.000,0:11:44.880
i i got connected to her just like a

0:11:43.519,0:11:47.440
just like a mother would connect with

0:11:44.880,0:11:50.880
their child exactly yeah

0:11:47.440,0:11:52.880
i just like i started getting these

0:11:50.880,0:11:54.160
parental feelings that you’d kind of get

0:11:52.880,0:11:56.959
with your own family

0:11:54.160,0:11:58.320
with your own um child and that’s good

0:11:56.959,0:12:00.959
that’s exactly what we were

0:11:58.320,0:12:02.160
what we were hoping for the other thing

0:12:00.959,0:12:05.519
they talk about

0:12:02.160,0:12:07.200
is that conflicts can be outside of the

0:12:05.519,0:12:10.480
family outside of

0:12:07.200,0:12:12.000
of your immediate circle and when this

0:12:10.480,0:12:13.360
happens it can lead to broken

0:12:12.000,0:12:16.880
friendships

0:12:13.360,0:12:19.920
it can lead to detention in school

0:12:16.880,0:12:23.360
and it can even lead the violence so

0:12:19.920,0:12:26.399
being able to resolve conflicts with

0:12:23.360,0:12:28.160
with other people is important and it’s

0:12:26.399,0:12:31.040
more difficult because you might not

0:12:28.160,0:12:32.160
know what they’re willing to do to

0:12:31.040,0:12:34.399
compromise or how

0:12:32.160,0:12:35.600
interested they are in resolving the

0:12:34.399,0:12:38.320
issue

0:12:35.600,0:12:40.320
have you had any conflicts outside of

0:12:38.320,0:12:42.480
family anything from school or friends

0:12:40.320,0:12:45.040
or anything like that where

0:12:42.480,0:12:46.399
you’ve ran into issues where you

0:12:45.040,0:12:48.720
couldn’t resolve these and

0:12:46.399,0:12:50.240
and it’s caused friendships or anything

0:12:48.720,0:12:52.480
i mean yeah

0:12:50.240,0:12:53.519
especially in sixth grade that was

0:12:52.480,0:12:55.440
probably

0:12:53.519,0:12:57.040
one of the hardest years of school in my

0:12:55.440,0:12:59.680
life um

0:12:57.040,0:13:01.440
back then i really i was kind of the

0:12:59.680,0:13:04.079
problem because i had no way of

0:13:01.440,0:13:07.120
controlling my emotions back then

0:13:04.079,0:13:09.680
i would lash out and honestly

0:13:07.120,0:13:11.680
it did sometimes cost my it did

0:13:09.680,0:13:13.040
sometimes cost my friends to not want to

0:13:11.680,0:13:15.200
be around me

0:13:13.040,0:13:17.040
um but we did resolve it after i

0:13:15.200,0:13:19.600
realized that i was not

0:13:17.040,0:13:20.079
acting mature for my age and that i

0:13:19.600,0:13:21.760
probably

0:13:20.079,0:13:24.480
should have handled the situation

0:13:21.760,0:13:27.519
differently and we’d resolve

0:13:24.480,0:13:29.200
but um it wasn’t until i finally learned

0:13:27.519,0:13:31.120
to control my emotions that the

0:13:29.200,0:13:32.720
outbreaks finally stopped and i didn’t

0:13:31.120,0:13:33.279
really have too many conflicts with my

0:13:32.720,0:13:37.440
friends

0:13:33.279,0:13:41.199
where i was the main problem um

0:13:37.440,0:13:43.360
so yeah now was that possibly a product

0:13:41.199,0:13:45.680
of the fact that

0:13:43.360,0:13:48.000
the friends that you hang around with or

0:13:45.680,0:13:50.320
were hanging around with at the time

0:13:48.000,0:13:51.040
were a couple years younger than you and

0:13:50.320,0:13:53.600
they hadn’t

0:13:51.040,0:13:56.399
reached that point in their development

0:13:53.600,0:13:58.560
where they were having those

0:13:56.399,0:14:00.480
hormonal struggles where it was

0:13:58.560,0:14:01.360
affecting their ability to control their

0:14:00.480,0:14:04.560
emotions

0:14:01.360,0:14:06.720
i mean yeah my friends um

0:14:04.560,0:14:08.079
my friend most my friends were pretty

0:14:06.720,0:14:10.160
young

0:14:08.079,0:14:11.199
the my most my friends were pretty

0:14:10.160,0:14:14.560
younger than i

0:14:11.199,0:14:16.639
was were younger than i was and um

0:14:14.560,0:14:17.680
i’d sometimes lash out at them because

0:14:16.639,0:14:20.560
i’d know

0:14:17.680,0:14:21.920
um because i was just experiencing the

0:14:20.560,0:14:24.480
emotions and

0:14:21.920,0:14:25.440
i had no real reason to control them but

0:14:24.480,0:14:27.760
i’d actually

0:14:25.440,0:14:29.440
go to recess and hang out with my one

0:14:27.760,0:14:32.320
friend who was the same age as me

0:14:29.440,0:14:32.959
and she’d normally help me calm myself

0:14:32.320,0:14:35.839
down

0:14:32.959,0:14:36.959
we’d talk about um what happened and

0:14:35.839,0:14:38.639
we’d just

0:14:36.959,0:14:40.720
you know try to calm each other down and

0:14:38.639,0:14:42.800
then by the end of the day i’d apologize

0:14:40.720,0:14:44.560
to my younger friends and we would

0:14:42.800,0:14:46.079
and we’d still be and we’d be back to

0:14:44.560,0:14:47.519
being friends right

0:14:46.079,0:14:49.680
and that’s usually how conflict

0:14:47.519,0:14:51.279
resolution works

0:14:49.680,0:14:53.920
now the last thing that they do talk

0:14:51.279,0:14:56.160
about here is the complications of being

0:14:53.920,0:14:59.360
a teenager

0:14:56.160,0:15:00.320
compounding conflict resolution and they

0:14:59.360,0:15:02.480
say the time

0:15:00.320,0:15:03.600
between adulthood and childhood is full

0:15:02.480,0:15:06.079
of changes both

0:15:03.600,0:15:07.120
physical and emotional and that’s

0:15:06.079,0:15:08.800
clearly

0:15:07.120,0:15:10.320
what you were talking about here where

0:15:08.800,0:15:13.040
the emotional changes

0:15:10.320,0:15:14.560
were becoming an issue they say with

0:15:13.040,0:15:16.880
hormones raging

0:15:14.560,0:15:18.000
teenagers often find it difficult to be

0:15:16.880,0:15:20.639
social

0:15:18.000,0:15:22.880
do you have that issue do you find

0:15:20.639,0:15:24.560
social interaction to be difficult going

0:15:22.880,0:15:26.160
through this period

0:15:24.560,0:15:27.920
you’re largely through it at this point

0:15:26.160,0:15:29.759
in time because you you are pretty good

0:15:27.920,0:15:31.440
at controlling your emotions

0:15:29.759,0:15:33.040
but do you find that that was causing

0:15:31.440,0:15:35.839
social problems for you

0:15:33.040,0:15:36.240
i mean yeah i kind of started getting a

0:15:35.839,0:15:39.600
little

0:15:36.240,0:15:41.839
scared about being around people because

0:15:39.600,0:15:43.440
i was afraid that at some point i might

0:15:41.839,0:15:46.639
lash out at them

0:15:43.440,0:15:49.759
even if even when they didn’t deserve it

0:15:46.639,0:15:52.639
and i i kind of just was in fear

0:15:49.759,0:15:54.160
and kind of just spent most of trying to

0:15:52.639,0:15:56.560
spend most of the time alone

0:15:54.160,0:15:58.160
trying to keep my emotions as calm as i

0:15:56.560,0:16:00.240
could at the time

0:15:58.160,0:16:01.839
now they say that temper tantrums

0:16:00.240,0:16:05.120
sulking and ignoring

0:16:01.839,0:16:06.720
parents are all standard teenage

0:16:05.120,0:16:09.600
behavior

0:16:06.720,0:16:11.440
um you didn’t really go through a lot of

0:16:09.600,0:16:13.120
these you had some emotional outbursts

0:16:11.440,0:16:14.480
but do you think that these symptoms

0:16:13.120,0:16:17.759
were things that have caused

0:16:14.480,0:16:20.560
issues with you as far as building

0:16:17.759,0:16:21.759
conflict with parents teachers or

0:16:20.560,0:16:23.839
friends

0:16:21.759,0:16:25.920
i mean yeah like i said the emotional

0:16:23.839,0:16:27.680
outburst sometimes it didn’t happen at

0:16:25.920,0:16:30.160
home it would happen when i was around

0:16:27.680,0:16:31.120
other people over the silliest of

0:16:30.160,0:16:34.240
reasons

0:16:31.120,0:16:37.920
and yeah i’d lash out at people but

0:16:34.240,0:16:41.040
it wasn’t um like horribly

0:16:37.920,0:16:44.079
often like it would happen sometimes

0:16:41.040,0:16:46.399
but after i realized this i tried to

0:16:44.079,0:16:47.600
hold up all my emotions until i got home

0:16:46.399,0:16:50.959
and then i’d basically

0:16:47.600,0:16:54.240
just you know scream

0:16:50.959,0:16:55.279
or let it all out so most teenagers feel

0:16:54.240,0:16:57.759
that others

0:16:55.279,0:16:59.839
just don’t get it have you ever run into

0:16:57.759,0:17:01.680
that situation where that’s caused some

0:16:59.839,0:17:05.120
frustration or conflict for you

0:17:01.680,0:17:08.480
i mean sometimes especially when

0:17:05.120,0:17:10.880
i had the sadder outburst where i would

0:17:08.480,0:17:12.319
just start crying for no real reason i

0:17:10.880,0:17:13.760
didn’t understand it

0:17:12.319,0:17:16.160
and i didn’t think you guys would

0:17:13.760,0:17:17.280
understand it i if i didn’t understand

0:17:16.160,0:17:18.160
it you guys wouldn’t be able to

0:17:17.280,0:17:19.919
understand it

0:17:18.160,0:17:21.760
that’s basically what i went through

0:17:19.919,0:17:23.439
right and i think a lot of kids go

0:17:21.760,0:17:25.039
through that but

0:17:23.439,0:17:27.039
i think the thing that that would

0:17:25.039,0:17:28.640
probably surprise you is how much your

0:17:27.039,0:17:30.320
parents actually

0:17:28.640,0:17:32.880
can relate to the situation because

0:17:30.320,0:17:33.600
we’ve all been there you know times are

0:17:32.880,0:17:35.919
different

0:17:33.600,0:17:37.840
kids are different but there’s

0:17:35.919,0:17:39.919
fundamental human behaviors that are

0:17:37.840,0:17:42.400
consistent over the years

0:17:39.919,0:17:43.120
that all of us have gone through so i

0:17:42.400,0:17:44.960
think you’d be

0:17:43.120,0:17:46.640
surprised at how much insight your

0:17:44.960,0:17:49.280
parents might be able to

0:17:46.640,0:17:50.160
lend to you and how much they do relate

0:17:49.280,0:17:53.120
to you they

0:17:50.160,0:17:55.280
they don’t relate to you now like one of

0:17:53.120,0:17:56.720
the things that i tell you is well

0:17:55.280,0:17:58.640
you don’t need to worry about this stuff

0:17:56.720,0:18:01.440
now because the

0:17:58.640,0:18:02.960
relationships that you have now are

0:18:01.440,0:18:05.200
insignificant

0:18:02.960,0:18:06.960
there are a blip on the radar of a few

0:18:05.200,0:18:09.280
years of your life

0:18:06.960,0:18:11.520
that after you’re out of high school is

0:18:09.280,0:18:15.280
not going to matter

0:18:11.520,0:18:16.320
and i totally get the concept that me

0:18:15.280,0:18:18.080
telling you that

0:18:16.320,0:18:21.360
doesn’t help you because you can’t

0:18:18.080,0:18:23.440
visualize where i’m at now

0:18:21.360,0:18:24.799
but it’s important to know that there’s

0:18:23.440,0:18:27.039
light at the end of the tunnel what

0:18:24.799,0:18:28.320
you’re going through now is a temporary

0:18:27.039,0:18:31.360
thing and

0:18:28.320,0:18:33.520
it’s not going to matter in a few years

0:18:31.360,0:18:34.960
and i just hope that knowing that you

0:18:33.520,0:18:37.760
can take some solace

0:18:34.960,0:18:39.520
from that and know that okay i just have

0:18:37.760,0:18:40.840
to get through this right now

0:18:39.520,0:18:43.840
and then i won’t have to deal with it

0:18:40.840,0:18:45.280
anymore uh and sometimes i realize that

0:18:43.840,0:18:47.360
comes across as we just don’t get the

0:18:45.280,0:18:49.520
problems you’re running into

0:18:47.360,0:18:51.360
and it’s not that it’s that we’ve been

0:18:49.520,0:18:53.200
there we’ve done that

0:18:51.360,0:18:55.120
as important and significant as you

0:18:53.200,0:18:58.160
think these things are now

0:18:55.120,0:18:59.679
they’re not and and they won’t be in the

0:18:58.160,0:19:02.720
future

0:18:59.679,0:19:04.240
what i think we lose focus on is that

0:19:02.720,0:19:07.280
they are important to you now

0:19:04.240,0:19:08.480
and we need to deal with them now

0:19:07.280,0:19:10.559
even though they’re not going to be

0:19:08.480,0:19:11.120
there in a few years so that’s where i

0:19:10.559,0:19:14.000
could see

0:19:11.120,0:19:14.880
that disconnect where it may seem like

0:19:14.000,0:19:18.640
we don’t get it

0:19:14.880,0:19:20.240
yeah um

0:19:18.640,0:19:23.120
so conflict resolution skills are

0:19:20.240,0:19:25.600
something all teenagers must learn

0:19:23.120,0:19:27.039
how do you think your skills at teeny at

0:19:25.600,0:19:29.440
conflict resolution are

0:19:27.039,0:19:31.280
at this point in time i mean i

0:19:29.440,0:19:32.080
definitely think i’m better than i was

0:19:31.280,0:19:34.160
before

0:19:32.080,0:19:35.919
and i definitely think i can relate to

0:19:34.160,0:19:37.520
other teenagers who are in the same

0:19:35.919,0:19:39.280
position as me

0:19:37.520,0:19:40.880
where they still have the problem with

0:19:39.280,0:19:42.320
the emotional their problem with

0:19:40.880,0:19:44.960
emotional outbursts

0:19:42.320,0:19:46.240
and um having conflicts with some of

0:19:44.960,0:19:48.240
their friends

0:19:46.240,0:19:50.400
and i definitely and one of the things

0:19:48.240,0:19:53.120
that my teacher actually talked about

0:19:50.400,0:19:54.080
um when we were learning about conflict

0:19:53.120,0:19:56.880
resolution

0:19:54.080,0:19:59.679
is that when younger people get into

0:19:56.880,0:20:00.000
conflict it’s better to have a mediator

0:19:59.679,0:20:03.520
that

0:20:00.000,0:20:05.840
is the same age as them because

0:20:03.520,0:20:07.280
it’s more likely that that person will

0:20:05.840,0:20:10.159
understand

0:20:07.280,0:20:10.799
what the what the teenagers are going

0:20:10.159,0:20:13.520
through

0:20:10.799,0:20:14.559
and will be able to help them resolve it

0:20:13.520,0:20:16.880
a little better than

0:20:14.559,0:20:17.679
most adults will that’s a very good

0:20:16.880,0:20:19.520
point

0:20:17.679,0:20:21.039
we’ll have to reiterate that when we get

0:20:19.520,0:20:24.159
the mediation later on

0:20:21.039,0:20:25.760
already but uh let’s take a little break

0:20:24.159,0:20:29.840
we’ll come back and we’ll talk about the

0:20:25.760,0:20:29.840
conflict resolution commandments

0:20:32.840,0:20:35.840
alrighty

0:20:37.360,0:20:43.120
for over seven years the second sith

0:20:40.400,0:20:44.000
empire has been the premier community

0:20:43.120,0:20:46.840
guild

0:20:44.000,0:20:48.240
in the online game star wars the old

0:20:46.840,0:20:51.120
republic

0:20:48.240,0:20:52.880
with hundreds of friendly and helpful

0:20:51.120,0:20:56.320
active members

0:20:52.880,0:20:58.960
a weekly schedule of nightly events

0:20:56.320,0:21:00.159
annual guild meet and greets and an

0:20:58.960,0:21:03.919
active community

0:21:00.159,0:21:06.400
both on the web and on discord

0:21:03.919,0:21:08.320
the second civ empire is more than your

0:21:06.400,0:21:12.080
typical gaming group

0:21:08.320,0:21:12.799
we’re family join us on the star forge

0:21:12.080,0:21:16.400
server

0:21:12.799,0:21:19.679
for nightly events such as operations

0:21:16.400,0:21:22.960
flash points world boss hunts

0:21:19.679,0:21:24.799
star wars trivia guild lottery and much

0:21:22.960,0:21:29.280
more

0:21:24.799,0:21:31.840
visit us on the web today at http://www.the

0:21:29.280,0:21:31.840
second

0:21:34.250,0:21:42.480
[Music]

0:21:39.440,0:21:45.600
welcome back we are talking conflict

0:21:42.480,0:21:48.080
resolution today on insights into teens

0:21:45.600,0:21:49.520
and we have 10 conflict resolution

0:21:48.080,0:21:51.039
commandments we’ll run down

0:21:49.520,0:21:54.080
real quick that are just sort of

0:21:51.039,0:21:55.840
guidelines so commandment one is

0:21:54.080,0:21:57.200
something we’ve said already conflict is

0:21:55.840,0:22:00.159
reality

0:21:57.200,0:22:01.039
there’s no escaping the fact and hiding

0:22:00.159,0:22:02.720
won’t solve

0:22:01.039,0:22:06.000
anything so you kind of need to deal

0:22:02.720,0:22:08.960
with it what’s number two on the list

0:22:06.000,0:22:09.760
number two is you can’t wish the problem

0:22:08.960,0:22:12.880
away

0:22:09.760,0:22:14.240
don’t pretend and put on a mask keep

0:22:12.880,0:22:17.360
your feelings cooped in

0:22:14.240,0:22:17.919
keeping your feelings keeping your

0:22:17.360,0:22:21.520
feelings

0:22:17.919,0:22:24.880
cooped inside won’t work right

0:22:21.520,0:22:25.679
number three learn to deal with a

0:22:24.880,0:22:28.799
problem

0:22:25.679,0:22:29.919
not the person conflict occurs because

0:22:28.799,0:22:33.679
of a particular

0:22:29.919,0:22:35.600
issue not because of a person

0:22:33.679,0:22:38.080
i don’t know if i necessarily agree with

0:22:35.600,0:22:41.679
that there are some people who are born

0:22:38.080,0:22:43.760
to argue and make conflict

0:22:41.679,0:22:45.360
but we’ll leave it at that they say

0:22:43.760,0:22:46.799
don’t make it personal

0:22:45.360,0:22:48.559
just deal with the issue it’s a

0:22:46.799,0:22:50.640
problem-solving thing deal with the

0:22:48.559,0:22:53.919
problem

0:22:50.640,0:22:55.360
what’s for uh be respectful listen to

0:22:53.919,0:22:58.159
the other person

0:22:55.360,0:23:00.320
really listen listening to your parents

0:22:58.159,0:23:04.240
or teachers may seem like a drag

0:23:00.320,0:23:07.200
but zoning out is not the solution right

0:23:04.240,0:23:08.159
commandment five is be assertive you

0:23:07.200,0:23:10.400
don’t need to be

0:23:08.159,0:23:12.240
either passive or aggressive to deal

0:23:10.400,0:23:15.039
with team conflicts

0:23:12.240,0:23:17.280
you need to be assertive being assertive

0:23:15.039,0:23:20.559
means putting your views forward

0:23:17.280,0:23:23.840
confidently and calmly yep

0:23:20.559,0:23:25.440
and commandment 6 is learn to negotiate

0:23:23.840,0:23:27.840
this is the most important skill you

0:23:25.440,0:23:28.960
need to learn negotiating is a skill

0:23:27.840,0:23:32.640
that will serve you

0:23:28.960,0:23:33.919
in the long term commandment 7 is stick

0:23:32.640,0:23:37.360
to the present

0:23:33.919,0:23:37.760
don’t drag in past issues doing so will

0:23:37.360,0:23:40.799
only

0:23:37.760,0:23:42.159
muddy the conflict further and

0:23:40.799,0:23:44.559
commandment 8 is

0:23:42.159,0:23:45.360
the silent treatment does not work

0:23:44.559,0:23:47.679
sulking is

0:23:45.360,0:23:48.799
as bad as getting aggressive it won’t

0:23:47.679,0:23:52.240
solve the problem

0:23:48.799,0:23:53.679
talk it out right number nine is be

0:23:52.240,0:23:55.039
understanding

0:23:53.679,0:23:56.720
try to put yourself in the other

0:23:55.039,0:23:59.360
person’s shoes

0:23:56.720,0:24:00.640
don’t be defensive and analyze the

0:23:59.360,0:24:03.200
situation

0:24:00.640,0:24:04.400
and finally commandment 10 is learn to

0:24:03.200,0:24:06.000
say sorry

0:24:04.400,0:24:08.720
stand in front of the mirror and

0:24:06.000,0:24:11.279
practice if need if the need be

0:24:08.720,0:24:12.640
if you’re wrong accept it doing so will

0:24:11.279,0:24:14.799
not make you look weak

0:24:12.640,0:24:16.000
only a strong person has the strength to

0:24:14.799,0:24:18.159
say sorry

0:24:16.000,0:24:19.600
it’s this simple word can work like

0:24:18.159,0:24:22.720
magic try it

0:24:19.600,0:24:24.480
yes so i wanted to kind of focus on a

0:24:22.720,0:24:25.520
couple of these but before we do that i

0:24:24.480,0:24:28.559
wanted to ask you

0:24:25.520,0:24:30.840
of these were any of these

0:24:28.559,0:24:32.000
talked about in what you went over in

0:24:30.840,0:24:35.679
school

0:24:32.000,0:24:38.159
uh let’s see so commandment one

0:24:35.679,0:24:39.200
conflict is reality yeah they kind of

0:24:38.159,0:24:42.720
went over

0:24:39.200,0:24:45.919
everything that conflict is unavoidable

0:24:42.720,0:24:47.200
it is just something it’s like thanos it

0:24:45.919,0:24:50.159
is inevitable

0:24:47.200,0:24:51.120
pretty much yeah uh you can’t wish the

0:24:50.159,0:24:52.960
problem away

0:24:51.120,0:24:54.960
yeah you need to have hard work in order

0:24:52.960,0:24:57.039
to get the problem done

0:24:54.960,0:24:58.720
uh learn to deal with the problem not

0:24:57.039,0:25:01.120
the person same thing

0:24:58.720,0:25:03.120
don’t take it personal that whole thing

0:25:01.120,0:25:05.679
uh be respectful

0:25:03.120,0:25:06.400
yeah we learned about that now that one

0:25:05.679,0:25:08.960
i have to

0:25:06.400,0:25:09.440
i want to dwell for a moment on that one

0:25:08.960,0:25:12.000
okay

0:25:09.440,0:25:14.720
and and being respectful you should

0:25:12.000,0:25:16.880
always be respectful obviously yeah

0:25:14.720,0:25:18.799
but in the midst of a conflict it

0:25:16.880,0:25:19.440
becomes difficult especially if your

0:25:18.799,0:25:22.960
emotions

0:25:19.440,0:25:25.360
get raised you know depending on how

0:25:22.960,0:25:26.799
adamant one side or the other is arguing

0:25:25.360,0:25:28.799
their point

0:25:26.799,0:25:30.080
you can get pretty animated you can get

0:25:28.799,0:25:33.520
pretty emotional

0:25:30.080,0:25:37.200
and when that happens you

0:25:33.520,0:25:40.480
that veil of respectability tends to

0:25:37.200,0:25:40.960
to fall at that point and it’s at that

0:25:40.480,0:25:42.559
point

0:25:40.960,0:25:45.120
that people start to take things

0:25:42.559,0:25:47.120
personally yeah so you have to make sure

0:25:45.120,0:25:48.720
that you maintain your respect for the

0:25:47.120,0:25:51.360
other person

0:25:48.720,0:25:54.320
and never let it get to the point where

0:25:51.360,0:25:55.840
it’s insulting or demeaning

0:25:54.320,0:25:57.520
what about assertiveness did you guys

0:25:55.840,0:26:00.320
talk about assertiveness

0:25:57.520,0:26:02.240
i don’t think so no so when they talk

0:26:00.320,0:26:03.840
about assertiveness here

0:26:02.240,0:26:05.360
you’re familiar with the terms passive

0:26:03.840,0:26:08.640
aggressive

0:26:05.360,0:26:10.080
you know if you’re passive then you’re

0:26:08.640,0:26:11.600
you’re basically going to let people

0:26:10.080,0:26:12.720
walk all over you’re not going to say

0:26:11.600,0:26:13.760
your point

0:26:12.720,0:26:16.080
you’re not going to stick up for

0:26:13.760,0:26:17.039
yourself yeah if you’re overly

0:26:16.080,0:26:18.960
aggressive

0:26:17.039,0:26:20.720
that’s the opposite end of the spectrum

0:26:18.960,0:26:21.440
you’re basically bullying your way

0:26:20.720,0:26:24.000
through

0:26:21.440,0:26:25.120
to conflict resolution and that’s going

0:26:24.000,0:26:28.159
to leave

0:26:25.120,0:26:30.320
ill feelings on other people’s part

0:26:28.159,0:26:32.559
when you’re assertive you’re just making

0:26:30.320,0:26:36.240
sure that your point of view is heard

0:26:32.559,0:26:36.240
you know you don’t want people

0:26:36.400,0:26:39.679
in conflicts a lot of times assumptions

0:26:38.559,0:26:41.679
are made so people

0:26:39.679,0:26:43.919
assume they know what you want or they

0:26:41.679,0:26:45.919
know what your problem is

0:26:43.919,0:26:47.840
and sometimes their assumptions are

0:26:45.919,0:26:48.799
incorrect and they’re arguing their

0:26:47.840,0:26:51.440
point of view from an

0:26:48.799,0:26:53.200
incorrect fact at that point so when

0:26:51.440,0:26:55.520
you’re assertive you’re making sure that

0:26:53.200,0:26:58.400
your point of view is very clear

0:26:55.520,0:26:59.360
you’re making sure that your path to

0:26:58.400,0:27:02.000
resolution

0:26:59.360,0:27:02.960
is very clear and that you guys are

0:27:02.000,0:27:04.880
talking about

0:27:02.960,0:27:06.240
exactly what needs to be discussed and

0:27:04.880,0:27:07.440
resolved

0:27:06.240,0:27:09.520
doesn’t mean that you’re pushing your

0:27:07.440,0:27:11.520
point your bullying you’re just making

0:27:09.520,0:27:12.159
sure that people know what your problem

0:27:11.520,0:27:15.440
is

0:27:12.159,0:27:17.760
yep negotiating

0:27:15.440,0:27:19.919
did they teach you negotiating skills i

0:27:17.760,0:27:21.600
mean they taught us about negotiating

0:27:19.919,0:27:24.960
and how negotiating

0:27:21.600,0:27:27.919
um is good to help resolve conflict

0:27:24.960,0:27:28.640
and this is one that i’ve tried to teach

0:27:27.919,0:27:31.679
you

0:27:28.640,0:27:34.640
uh in the past it wasn’t

0:27:31.679,0:27:35.360
traditional conflict resolution when we

0:27:34.640,0:27:37.679
go to

0:27:35.360,0:27:39.600
the comic book shows and the pop culture

0:27:37.679,0:27:41.279
shows that we go to

0:27:39.600,0:27:43.039
there’s vendors there and we always try

0:27:41.279,0:27:44.799
to buy stuff from vendors and we try to

0:27:43.039,0:27:48.159
get the best price

0:27:44.799,0:27:51.120
and the negotiation for that best price

0:27:48.159,0:27:52.080
is a conflict resolution so when you

0:27:51.120,0:27:55.520
negotiate

0:27:52.080,0:27:58.559
you want to buy let’s say a picture

0:27:55.520,0:27:59.600
and they want to charge you f 10 for the

0:27:58.559,0:28:01.039
picture

0:27:59.600,0:28:02.960
that doesn’t mean you have to pay

0:28:01.039,0:28:05.039
dollars for it if they’re willing to go

0:28:02.960,0:28:07.120
negotiate most people at these events

0:28:05.039,0:28:07.600
are so you come back with something

0:28:07.120,0:28:10.080
that’s

0:28:07.600,0:28:11.360
reasonable but not insulting you say all

0:28:10.080,0:28:14.480
right how about

0:28:11.360,0:28:16.000
seven dollars and then they may come

0:28:14.480,0:28:17.600
back and say well nine and you may

0:28:16.000,0:28:20.320
meet somewhere in the middle like eight

0:28:17.600,0:28:22.960
dollars that’s the negotiation and

0:28:20.320,0:28:24.720
that’s the conflict resolution

0:28:22.960,0:28:27.279
now that works the same way in any other

0:28:24.720,0:28:29.600
conflict resolution if somebody

0:28:27.279,0:28:31.440
you know if you’re at home and somebody

0:28:29.600,0:28:33.679
breaks your fence

0:28:31.440,0:28:34.559
and you need to get it fixed that’s a

0:28:33.679,0:28:36.399
conflict

0:28:34.559,0:28:38.399
we need to come to terms okay well you

0:28:36.399,0:28:40.080
pay for

0:28:38.399,0:28:42.080
fifty percent of the repair and i’ll pay

0:28:40.080,0:28:44.240
for fifty percent of the repair

0:28:42.080,0:28:46.480
or whatever it is it’s still a

0:28:44.240,0:28:48.960
negotiation any conflict resolution’s a

0:28:46.480,0:28:50.320
negotiation

0:28:48.960,0:28:52.159
the important thing about that is

0:28:50.320,0:28:53.679
knowing what the value is in what you’re

0:28:52.159,0:28:56.559
negotiating over

0:28:53.679,0:28:58.000
and being willing to take on some of

0:28:56.559,0:29:01.919
that burden yourself to

0:28:58.000,0:29:03.679
compromise um

0:29:01.919,0:29:05.360
so stick to the present do you know what

0:29:03.679,0:29:08.640
they mean by this

0:29:05.360,0:29:11.279
yeah stick to the present meaning

0:29:08.640,0:29:12.159
it means that you shouldn’t like bring

0:29:11.279,0:29:14.480
up a point

0:29:12.159,0:29:15.520
like oh yeah well you did this and now

0:29:14.480,0:29:17.679
you’re doing this

0:29:15.520,0:29:19.039
exactly you know oh well you know last

0:29:17.679,0:29:21.279
week you you

0:29:19.039,0:29:23.679
took my pencil and now this week i took

0:29:21.279,0:29:25.120
yours as payback or something like that

0:29:23.679,0:29:27.440
you want to deal with the problem that

0:29:25.120,0:29:29.919
you have at hand here

0:29:27.440,0:29:31.120
what about the silent treatment well

0:29:29.919,0:29:33.279
they did say that you

0:29:31.120,0:29:34.960
shouldn’t be you shouldn’t ignore the

0:29:33.279,0:29:37.440
problem right

0:29:34.960,0:29:38.880
um and and sulking you know when they

0:29:37.440,0:29:42.080
when they talk about sulking

0:29:38.880,0:29:46.000
it’s a matter of you

0:29:42.080,0:29:48.960
feel you’ve been wronged in some way

0:29:46.000,0:29:49.440
and instead of dealing with it in the

0:29:48.960,0:29:51.730
present

0:29:49.440,0:29:53.039
right now you’re gonna sort of

0:29:51.730,0:29:54.559
[Music]

0:29:53.039,0:29:56.640
play that silent treatment and it’s

0:29:54.559,0:29:59.120
going to build up inside of you

0:29:56.640,0:30:00.080
so by the time you actually decide to

0:29:59.120,0:30:03.279
take action

0:30:00.080,0:30:05.600
for conflict resolution that’s sort of

0:30:03.279,0:30:07.039
eating away you like a cancer at that

0:30:05.600,0:30:08.720
point in time so what was a small

0:30:07.039,0:30:10.720
problem before

0:30:08.720,0:30:12.720
you’ve sat on it and you’ve let that

0:30:10.720,0:30:14.320
wear away at you for a couple of days or

0:30:12.720,0:30:17.200
a couple of weeks

0:30:14.320,0:30:18.799
and now you’re angry about it and now

0:30:17.200,0:30:20.640
it’s a whole different

0:30:18.799,0:30:23.039
elevation of of problem where the

0:30:20.640,0:30:25.440
problem itself hasn’t gotten any bigger

0:30:23.039,0:30:27.200
but because you haven’t dealt with it

0:30:25.440,0:30:29.440
it’s gotten bigger to you

0:30:27.200,0:30:30.399
so you’re more likely to overreact at

0:30:29.440,0:30:33.440
that point in time

0:30:30.399,0:30:35.120
get emotional be disrespectful

0:30:33.440,0:30:37.840
and it sort of breaks down that ability

0:30:35.120,0:30:41.440
to negotiate yeah

0:30:37.840,0:30:44.559
understanding tell us tell us what your

0:30:41.440,0:30:48.080
understanding of understanding is

0:30:44.559,0:30:49.919
understanding basically

0:30:48.080,0:30:52.720
you need to understand the other

0:30:49.919,0:30:55.600
person’s viewpoint as well as your own

0:30:52.720,0:30:57.120
and um like you said before in the first

0:30:55.600,0:31:00.480
example like

0:30:57.120,0:31:02.799
the placement of furniture well for

0:31:00.480,0:31:04.000
the understanding part i would we would

0:31:02.799,0:31:07.440
both want to listen to

0:31:04.000,0:31:10.480
each other’s um ideas

0:31:07.440,0:31:13.279
and understand okay

0:31:10.480,0:31:15.679
well you have that point and i have this

0:31:13.279,0:31:18.320
point because then it’ll be easier to

0:31:15.679,0:31:19.760
compromise or negotiate with it

0:31:18.320,0:31:22.880
absolutely

0:31:19.760,0:31:25.360
that’s a very good way of putting it

0:31:22.880,0:31:27.200
and learning to say you’re sorry now you

0:31:25.360,0:31:29.360
don’t always have to say you’re sorry to

0:31:27.200,0:31:30.840
resolve a conflict

0:31:29.360,0:31:33.840
it’s important to understand that you’re

0:31:30.840,0:31:35.519
not conflict resolution isn’t like

0:31:33.840,0:31:37.440
phoning like a cheap lawn chair every

0:31:35.519,0:31:40.080
time there’s a conflict yeah

0:31:37.440,0:31:41.200
but when you’re wrong you’re wrong admit

0:31:40.080,0:31:43.200
to it

0:31:41.200,0:31:46.799
say you’re sorry and then try to find a

0:31:43.200,0:31:48.640
path to resolution

0:31:46.799,0:31:50.880
sometimes that’s the hardest part for

0:31:48.640,0:31:52.799
people is to admit that they’ve

0:31:50.880,0:31:54.799
done something wrong or said something

0:31:52.799,0:31:57.840
wrong or whatever

0:31:54.799,0:31:58.240
and then owning up to it and i think to

0:31:57.840,0:32:01.440
me

0:31:58.240,0:32:03.679
that’s probably the biggest

0:32:01.440,0:32:05.679
measure of a person’s character is the

0:32:03.679,0:32:06.410
ability to recognize when you’ve done

0:32:05.679,0:32:08.159
something wrong

0:32:06.410,0:32:10.799
[Music]

0:32:08.159,0:32:12.000
to recognize it apologize for it and

0:32:10.799,0:32:15.200
then set about

0:32:12.000,0:32:17.039
correcting that because we all make

0:32:15.200,0:32:20.000
mistakes right

0:32:17.039,0:32:21.840
and what do i always say about mistakes

0:32:20.000,0:32:22.960
it’s fine to make mistakes as long as

0:32:21.840,0:32:24.640
you learn from them

0:32:22.960,0:32:26.159
exactly you learn more from your

0:32:24.640,0:32:27.679
mistakes than you’ll ever learn from

0:32:26.159,0:32:29.360
your successes

0:32:27.679,0:32:31.840
and being humble and being able to say

0:32:29.360,0:32:33.200
you’re sorry builds a tremendous amount

0:32:31.840,0:32:35.279
of character

0:32:33.200,0:32:38.559
and a tremendous amount of respect that

0:32:35.279,0:32:40.240
people will have for you after that

0:32:38.559,0:32:42.240
so i think we’ve touched on all these

0:32:40.240,0:32:43.679
pretty well did you have anything to add

0:32:42.240,0:32:46.480
to the commandments is there anything

0:32:43.679,0:32:49.440
that we didn’t talk about here that you

0:32:46.480,0:32:49.440
wanted to talk about

0:32:50.640,0:32:55.600
not that i know of right now okay well

0:32:53.279,0:32:56.880
we’re going to take a quick break

0:32:55.600,0:32:58.960
we’re going to come back and we’re going

0:32:56.880,0:33:02.240
to talk about the steps

0:32:58.960,0:33:05.279
to conflict resolution we’ve got

0:33:02.240,0:33:07.519
six steps we’re going to talk about here

0:33:05.279,0:33:08.880
and not all of them always apply but

0:33:07.519,0:33:11.760
we’ll talk about all of them

0:33:08.880,0:33:12.720
and make sure everyone understands how

0:33:11.760,0:33:24.399
best to resolve

0:33:12.720,0:33:25.600
conflicts we’ll be right back insights

0:33:24.399,0:33:28.000
into entertainment

0:33:25.600,0:33:29.039
a podcast series taking a deeper look

0:33:28.000,0:33:33.440
into entertainment

0:33:29.039,0:33:35.760
and media our husband and wife team of

0:33:33.440,0:33:38.159
pop culture fanatics are exploring

0:33:35.760,0:33:39.870
all things from music and movies to

0:33:38.159,0:33:41.840
television and fandom

0:33:39.870,0:33:43.360
[Music]

0:33:41.840,0:33:45.890
we’ll look at the interesting and

0:33:43.360,0:33:47.679
obscure entertainment news of the week

0:33:45.890,0:33:49.760
[Music]

0:33:47.679,0:33:51.200
we’ll talk about theme park and pop

0:33:49.760,0:33:53.120
culture news

0:33:51.200,0:33:55.840
we’ll give you the latest and greatest

0:33:53.120,0:33:58.159
on pop culture conventions

0:33:55.840,0:33:59.980
we’ll give you a deep dive into disney

0:33:58.159,0:34:02.480
star wars and much more

0:33:59.980,0:34:05.840
[Music]

0:34:02.480,0:34:09.359
check out our video episodes at

0:34:05.840,0:34:10.159
backslash insights into things our audio

0:34:09.359,0:34:14.000
episodes

0:34:10.159,0:34:16.720
at podcast.insightsintoentertainment.com

0:34:14.000,0:34:20.679
or check us out on the web at insights

0:34:16.720,0:34:25.679
into things.com

0:34:20.679,0:34:27.839
[Music]

0:34:25.679,0:34:29.760
welcome back to this week’s edition of

0:34:27.839,0:34:30.720
insights into teens we are talking

0:34:29.760,0:34:33.599
conflict

0:34:30.720,0:34:36.879
resolution and i think it’s time that we

0:34:33.599,0:34:39.119
talk about steps to conflict resolution

0:34:36.879,0:34:42.320
so the first thing is set the stage they

0:34:39.119,0:34:44.399
say agree to try to work together

0:34:42.320,0:34:45.599
to find a font to find a solution

0:34:44.399,0:34:49.119
peacefully

0:34:45.599,0:34:51.599
and establish ground rules for instance

0:34:49.119,0:34:52.960
no name calling no blaming no yelling no

0:34:51.599,0:34:54.879
interrupting

0:34:52.960,0:34:56.560
so that’s the first step we talk about

0:34:54.879,0:34:59.119
here what’s our next step

0:34:56.560,0:35:02.160
the next step is gather perspectives

0:34:59.119,0:35:05.359
each person describes the dis

0:35:02.160,0:35:07.680
dispute dispute dispute from his or her

0:35:05.359,0:35:09.920
perspective without interruption

0:35:07.680,0:35:11.920
listeners pay close attention and then

0:35:09.920,0:35:14.000
ask clarifying questions

0:35:11.920,0:35:14.960
in non-threat in a non-threatening

0:35:14.000,0:35:18.240
manner

0:35:14.960,0:35:21.680
they consider not only what the other uh

0:35:18.240,0:35:22.320
participants say they want but why they

0:35:21.680,0:35:24.400
want it

0:35:22.320,0:35:26.640
for example if someone insists that you

0:35:24.400,0:35:29.040
pace for something

0:35:26.640,0:35:31.440
they believe you broke they might be

0:35:29.040,0:35:33.119
doing it not because they really care

0:35:31.440,0:35:34.960
about the object or the money

0:35:33.119,0:35:37.680
but because they feel you don’t respect

0:35:34.960,0:35:38.880
them addressing the other person’s need

0:35:37.680,0:35:42.079
to feel respected

0:35:38.880,0:35:44.320
may be key to resolving to resolving

0:35:42.079,0:35:46.240
the conflict and again that’s another

0:35:44.320,0:35:48.079
important thing here is it’s not always

0:35:46.240,0:35:50.960
about

0:35:48.079,0:35:51.760
the problem you know let’s go back to

0:35:50.960,0:35:54.800
the

0:35:51.760,0:35:56.079
you broke my fence well okay you broke

0:35:54.800,0:35:58.800
my fence

0:35:56.079,0:36:00.240
i’m not really concerned about the fence

0:35:58.800,0:36:03.280
but i’m kind of upset

0:36:00.240,0:36:04.000
that like okay i got a great example so

0:36:03.280,0:36:07.280
we

0:36:04.000,0:36:08.800
uh have a we had a landscaper that would

0:36:07.280,0:36:09.839
come out and cut the lawn for us in the

0:36:08.800,0:36:12.160
summer

0:36:09.839,0:36:13.599
and we had a pool set up at one point in

0:36:12.160,0:36:15.359
time and he came through

0:36:13.599,0:36:17.359
and he wound up hitting the pool and

0:36:15.359,0:36:20.720
damaging the pool

0:36:17.359,0:36:23.839
and you know we had a difficult time

0:36:20.720,0:36:25.520
finding this particular kind of pool

0:36:23.839,0:36:27.920
and he was like well i’ll just pay for

0:36:25.520,0:36:30.000
it and it wasn’t about the cost of the

0:36:27.920,0:36:32.320
pool it was about the recklessness of

0:36:30.000,0:36:35.440
how he went about doing his job

0:36:32.320,0:36:37.280
and the fact that he he he didn’t have

0:36:35.440,0:36:38.800
respect for our property at that point

0:36:37.280,0:36:40.400
in time it was just

0:36:38.800,0:36:41.920
you know he came through i think he hit

0:36:40.400,0:36:43.040
it with a weed whacker or something like

0:36:41.920,0:36:46.400
that

0:36:43.040,0:36:49.920
and tore a gash in it

0:36:46.400,0:36:51.680
and it was more the principle of

0:36:49.920,0:36:54.720
you’re being paid to do a job and you’re

0:36:51.680,0:36:55.520
being paid to do it right yet you didn’t

0:36:54.720,0:36:57.680
do it

0:36:55.520,0:37:00.079
and you think you know just giving me 20

0:36:57.680,0:37:03.040
bucks is going to solve the problem

0:37:00.079,0:37:04.560
so that kind of left a bitter taste in

0:37:03.040,0:37:06.720
my mouth at that point in time

0:37:04.560,0:37:07.839
he’s not our landscaper anymore because

0:37:06.720,0:37:10.560
there were other similar

0:37:07.839,0:37:12.720
incidents that it became a pattern at

0:37:10.560,0:37:15.200
that point in time that he was not doing

0:37:12.720,0:37:17.280
his job correctly

0:37:15.200,0:37:18.800
so sometimes it’s more than more about

0:37:17.280,0:37:20.960
just the

0:37:18.800,0:37:23.599
problem itself the conflict itself it is

0:37:20.960,0:37:25.119
about respect

0:37:23.599,0:37:27.839
the third thing that they talk about

0:37:25.119,0:37:30.160
here is find common interests

0:37:27.839,0:37:32.000
establish which facts and issues all

0:37:30.160,0:37:34.079
participants agree on

0:37:32.000,0:37:36.400
and determine why different issues are

0:37:34.079,0:37:38.960
important to each person

0:37:36.400,0:37:41.119
identify common interests which can be

0:37:38.960,0:37:42.240
as simple as a mutual desire to resolve

0:37:41.119,0:37:44.960
the problem

0:37:42.240,0:37:45.760
without resorting to violence or a

0:37:44.960,0:37:49.040
shared

0:37:45.760,0:37:49.680
need to save face and this is another

0:37:49.040,0:37:52.720
one where

0:37:49.680,0:37:54.720
a lot of times especially in teens it’s

0:37:52.720,0:37:56.640
a matter of pride

0:37:54.720,0:37:57.839
well you called me a name or you called

0:37:56.640,0:38:00.720
my mama name

0:37:57.839,0:38:03.119
and i can’t let you get away with it and

0:38:00.720,0:38:06.240
a lot of times as a kid for me at least

0:38:03.119,0:38:10.160
you know i got in a lot of fights

0:38:06.240,0:38:11.680
over pride and ultimately in hindsight

0:38:10.160,0:38:14.240
it’s a matter of well

0:38:11.680,0:38:15.760
they’re words words don’t matter to me

0:38:14.240,0:38:18.880
at this point in time but they did

0:38:15.760,0:38:20.800
then because i was a teenager so

0:38:18.880,0:38:22.000
sometimes that’s what it comes down to

0:38:20.800,0:38:23.440
as well

0:38:22.000,0:38:26.720
but you have to make sure they

0:38:23.440,0:38:28.960
understand why you’re offended by it

0:38:26.720,0:38:30.320
you can’t just be offended by something

0:38:28.960,0:38:32.720
someone says and then not

0:38:30.320,0:38:35.440
reveal that to them because they may

0:38:32.720,0:38:37.920
have a completely different opinion

0:38:35.440,0:38:39.680
another great example you know when my

0:38:37.920,0:38:43.599
mom was still alive

0:38:39.680,0:38:45.680
she was very big on birthdays and to me

0:38:43.599,0:38:46.720
birthdays aren’t that significant you

0:38:45.680,0:38:49.760
know it’s just i

0:38:46.720,0:38:52.560
survived another year that’s great well

0:38:49.760,0:38:53.920
when you’re 30 some years old they’re

0:38:52.560,0:38:56.720
not important

0:38:53.920,0:38:57.280
but when you’re 60 some years old and

0:38:56.720,0:38:59.760
there’s

0:38:57.280,0:39:01.520
you know you come to the reality that

0:38:59.760,0:39:02.720
there’s only so many birthdays that you

0:39:01.520,0:39:04.640
get

0:39:02.720,0:39:06.320
and you start to appreciate that later

0:39:04.640,0:39:07.280
in life when there’s a few of them that

0:39:06.320,0:39:11.040
you’re going to be getting

0:39:07.280,0:39:12.640
it’s more important and

0:39:11.040,0:39:13.839
i didn’t go to see her writing her

0:39:12.640,0:39:15.599
present or anything like that and i

0:39:13.839,0:39:17.839
forgot about it

0:39:15.599,0:39:19.040
and when she brought it to my attention

0:39:17.839,0:39:22.000
she was genuinely

0:39:19.040,0:39:24.720
hurt and i didn’t understand why because

0:39:22.000,0:39:27.280
to me birthdays weren’t significant

0:39:24.720,0:39:29.280
so i i don’t i kind of made light of it

0:39:27.280,0:39:30.560
i didn’t i didn’t give it the same level

0:39:29.280,0:39:33.040
of attention that she

0:39:30.560,0:39:34.800
thought i should have and i made the

0:39:33.040,0:39:36.640
situation worse

0:39:34.800,0:39:38.880
and in hindsight i realized that even

0:39:36.640,0:39:42.000
though it wasn’t important to me

0:39:38.880,0:39:44.079
it was important to her so i made sure

0:39:42.000,0:39:45.599
that i went to see her every birthday at

0:39:44.079,0:39:47.599
that point in time and i always made a

0:39:45.599,0:39:49.200
big deal about it after that

0:39:47.599,0:39:51.680
even to this day i still go to the

0:39:49.200,0:39:54.960
cemetery and visit her on her birthday

0:39:51.680,0:39:56.960
because it was important to her

0:39:54.960,0:39:58.160
so that’s another thing is understanding

0:39:56.960,0:40:00.000
the value

0:39:58.160,0:40:03.280
that people place on things and

0:40:00.000,0:40:05.280
situations and words and insults

0:40:03.280,0:40:06.880
when you do that then you can understand

0:40:05.280,0:40:09.680
why they react the way they do

0:40:06.880,0:40:10.880
don’t just assume they feel the same way

0:40:09.680,0:40:12.800
about something that you do

0:40:10.880,0:40:15.440
it’s important to communicate and find

0:40:12.800,0:40:18.880
out what their beliefs are

0:40:15.440,0:40:21.440
what’s number four number four is

0:40:18.880,0:40:23.280
create options take the time for each

0:40:21.440,0:40:24.240
teen to brainstorm about possible

0:40:23.280,0:40:27.040
solutions

0:40:24.240,0:40:29.040
to the problem come up with a list of

0:40:27.040,0:40:30.880
options without immediately judging them

0:40:29.040,0:40:32.480
or feeling committed to them

0:40:30.880,0:40:33.920
try to think of solutions where both

0:40:32.480,0:40:37.280
people gain something

0:40:33.920,0:40:40.160
think when when too often we assume

0:40:37.280,0:40:41.839
that one person is to win the other

0:40:40.160,0:40:44.319
person has to lose

0:40:41.839,0:40:45.280
in reality it is often possible to think

0:40:44.319,0:40:47.040
creatively

0:40:45.280,0:40:48.400
and come up with a solution that both

0:40:47.040,0:40:50.319
people feel good about

0:40:48.400,0:40:52.800
where both walk away feeling that their

0:40:50.319,0:40:54.240
needs have been met this is why i don’t

0:40:52.800,0:40:55.520
like math

0:40:54.240,0:40:58.319
and i’ve mentioned this to you in the

0:40:55.520,0:40:59.040
past i don’t like math because there’s

0:40:58.319,0:41:01.599
one answer

0:40:59.040,0:41:02.480
to all math problems that’s the correct

0:41:01.599,0:41:04.240
answer

0:41:02.480,0:41:05.520
and i’m the type of person in my

0:41:04.240,0:41:08.640
experience

0:41:05.520,0:41:10.800
i like to find options and alternatives

0:41:08.640,0:41:12.640
and and i do this at work all the time

0:41:10.800,0:41:13.520
we’re presented with problems or we’re

0:41:12.640,0:41:17.119
presented with

0:41:13.520,0:41:19.920
challenges and it’s up to us to

0:41:17.119,0:41:22.720
find the best option so sometimes my

0:41:19.920,0:41:25.440
boss will go out and make a decision

0:41:22.720,0:41:28.240
and it’s not the best decision but it’s

0:41:25.440,0:41:31.200
one that will solve the problem

0:41:28.240,0:41:32.880
when he comes to me i can go through i

0:41:31.200,0:41:35.040
can look at what the needs are what the

0:41:32.880,0:41:38.000
requirements are

0:41:35.040,0:41:39.680
then i can present options you know you

0:41:38.000,0:41:42.079
have option a b and c

0:41:39.680,0:41:44.160
here’s the pros and cons of each here’s

0:41:42.079,0:41:46.640
the cost of each

0:41:44.160,0:41:49.119
this is where we are then with those

0:41:46.640,0:41:52.160
options in hand and that information

0:41:49.119,0:41:54.800
we can as a team figure out what the

0:41:52.160,0:41:56.560
best option is for that solution

0:41:54.800,0:41:58.560
so having those options is very

0:41:56.560,0:41:59.680
important and and providing those

0:41:58.560,0:42:03.359
options to people

0:41:59.680,0:42:05.520
is important now the next step after you

0:42:03.359,0:42:06.960
create the options is to evaluate those

0:42:05.520,0:42:09.839
options

0:42:06.960,0:42:12.319
after a number of options are suggested

0:42:09.839,0:42:15.359
each team discusses his or her feelings

0:42:12.319,0:42:18.240
about each of the proposed solutions

0:42:15.359,0:42:20.240
participants will negotiate and often

0:42:18.240,0:42:21.760
will need to compromise in order to

0:42:20.240,0:42:24.960
reach a conclusion

0:42:21.760,0:42:25.680
that is acceptable to both they may need

0:42:24.960,0:42:28.319
to agree

0:42:25.680,0:42:30.000
to disagree about some issues to reach

0:42:28.319,0:42:31.839
an understanding

0:42:30.000,0:42:33.599
and that concept right there is also

0:42:31.839,0:42:35.520
very important

0:42:33.599,0:42:38.160
we don’t all agree on everything and

0:42:35.520,0:42:40.800
we’re not going to

0:42:38.160,0:42:42.319
this latest election is probably a prime

0:42:40.800,0:42:44.319
example of that

0:42:42.319,0:42:46.160
there are some things that one side will

0:42:44.319,0:42:48.960
feel that the other side will never

0:42:46.160,0:42:50.079
feel and you can argue until you’re blue

0:42:48.960,0:42:52.720
in the face

0:42:50.079,0:42:54.880
and you argue to a level of frustration

0:42:52.720,0:42:58.079
and then you get emotional

0:42:54.880,0:43:01.119
you get disrespectful and it

0:42:58.079,0:43:02.880
boils into a bigger conflict

0:43:01.119,0:43:04.400
there are times where you have to just

0:43:02.880,0:43:05.760
come to the reality that you and i

0:43:04.400,0:43:08.319
aren’t going to agree

0:43:05.760,0:43:10.720
so we have to agree to disagree and

0:43:08.319,0:43:14.160
that’s the common ground that we find

0:43:10.720,0:43:16.240
and then let’s move on right

0:43:14.160,0:43:17.920
what’s number six the last in our list

0:43:16.240,0:43:20.800
here number six is

0:43:17.920,0:43:22.800
create an agreement the teens involved

0:43:20.800,0:43:25.119
explicitly state their

0:43:22.800,0:43:27.920
agreement and may even want to write it

0:43:25.119,0:43:30.160
down if necessary they set up a time to

0:43:27.920,0:43:31.280
check back to see how the agreement is

0:43:30.160,0:43:33.440
working

0:43:31.280,0:43:34.880
now that’s kind of formal the way they

0:43:33.440,0:43:37.040
state it there but i think

0:43:34.880,0:43:40.000
ultimately every conflict resolution

0:43:37.040,0:43:41.359
comes down to some kind of agreement and

0:43:40.000,0:43:43.520
those agreements

0:43:41.359,0:43:45.040
invariably always have different terms

0:43:43.520,0:43:47.839
attached to them

0:43:45.040,0:43:49.440
sometimes it’s you know i’ll borrow this

0:43:47.839,0:43:51.119
for this week and you get it for next

0:43:49.440,0:43:52.960
week sometimes it’s

0:43:51.119,0:43:54.400
there’s a cost and you pay this amount

0:43:52.960,0:43:56.079
and i’ll pay a different amount or

0:43:54.400,0:43:58.560
whatever it is

0:43:56.079,0:44:00.960
so there’s always some type of agreement

0:43:58.560,0:44:03.599
that is reached here and it’s important

0:44:00.960,0:44:05.599
that you honor that agreement and and

0:44:03.599,0:44:07.599
part of that reason

0:44:05.599,0:44:08.640
is that if you have a conflict with

0:44:07.599,0:44:11.839
someone

0:44:08.640,0:44:13.760
and you come to an agreement and you

0:44:11.839,0:44:14.250
fail to fulfill your part of that

0:44:13.760,0:44:15.359
bargain

0:44:14.250,0:44:17.200
[Music]

0:44:15.359,0:44:18.880
then your trust level drops off

0:44:17.200,0:44:20.400
significantly

0:44:18.880,0:44:22.160
and the next time you have a conflict

0:44:20.400,0:44:23.920
with that person or someone else you now

0:44:22.160,0:44:26.160
have a reputation

0:44:23.920,0:44:27.359
for not abiding by the terms of your

0:44:26.160,0:44:30.319
agreements

0:44:27.359,0:44:32.800
and it makes it much more difficult to

0:44:30.319,0:44:35.839
resolve conflicts with others

0:44:32.800,0:44:37.839
it makes you look bad in their eyes in

0:44:35.839,0:44:40.240
the eyes of your peers

0:44:37.839,0:44:41.440
and it leads to more conflicts down the

0:44:40.240,0:44:43.119
line

0:44:41.440,0:44:46.720
so it’s very important to have that

0:44:43.119,0:44:50.960
agreement and formalize it in some way

0:44:46.720,0:44:53.119
you know if you agree to

0:44:50.960,0:44:54.319
pay for the fence because you broke the

0:44:53.119,0:44:56.640
fence

0:44:54.319,0:44:59.200
shake hands and sort of seal the deal

0:44:56.640,0:45:00.640
there even if it’s just symbolically

0:44:59.200,0:45:03.119
so that you know that there is an

0:45:00.640,0:45:05.599
agreement that the conflict has come

0:45:03.119,0:45:07.119
to an end and the last thing that i

0:45:05.599,0:45:08.319
wanted to talk about here and it’s not

0:45:07.119,0:45:10.079
in our notes

0:45:08.319,0:45:11.760
but i think it’s important to understand

0:45:10.079,0:45:15.599
that not all

0:45:11.760,0:45:17.599
conflicts can or will be resolved

0:45:15.599,0:45:19.359
um and nor will they be resolved to your

0:45:17.599,0:45:21.599
satisfaction

0:45:19.359,0:45:24.079
so you have to be prepared to accept

0:45:21.599,0:45:27.040
that as an ultimate outcome

0:45:24.079,0:45:27.520
sometimes people just don’t agree i’ve

0:45:27.040,0:45:29.839
been

0:45:27.520,0:45:32.000
feuding with my brothers for various

0:45:29.839,0:45:36.000
things for

0:45:32.000,0:45:38.079
20 years now and i tried numerous times

0:45:36.000,0:45:39.200
to reach out to them to try to resolve

0:45:38.079,0:45:41.920
things to try

0:45:39.200,0:45:44.240
to patch things up and they just were

0:45:41.920,0:45:46.560
not interested in doing so

0:45:44.240,0:45:47.920
so there came a point that i had to

0:45:46.560,0:45:49.599
accept the fact that

0:45:47.920,0:45:50.960
i’m just not going to be able to resolve

0:45:49.599,0:45:52.880
this conflict

0:45:50.960,0:45:54.319
i had to accept that and i had to move

0:45:52.880,0:45:58.640
on

0:45:54.319,0:46:00.560
there are times that the resolution

0:45:58.640,0:46:03.359
there is a resolution but it’s not one

0:46:00.560,0:46:05.200
that’s ideal for you

0:46:03.359,0:46:06.720
and it’s one that you may have to live

0:46:05.200,0:46:10.319
with

0:46:06.720,0:46:12.319
you know i’m divorced from my first wife

0:46:10.319,0:46:14.400
and when that divorce occurred there was

0:46:12.319,0:46:19.359
a custody agreement

0:46:14.400,0:46:23.040
between myself and her regarding our son

0:46:19.359,0:46:26.319
and i didn’t like it i didn’t get to see

0:46:23.040,0:46:30.000
him as often as i wanted to see him

0:46:26.319,0:46:32.160
it ultimately you know

0:46:30.000,0:46:34.000
it went on for years and we made the

0:46:32.160,0:46:35.520
most of it that we could at the time but

0:46:34.000,0:46:37.040
ultimately it

0:46:35.520,0:46:39.599
it didn’t end as well as i would have

0:46:37.040,0:46:42.160
liked it to

0:46:39.599,0:46:43.839
but it was one of those things where

0:46:42.160,0:46:46.000
that was the best solution that

0:46:43.839,0:46:48.720
presented itself at the time even though

0:46:46.000,0:46:51.440
it wasn’t an ideal solution

0:46:48.720,0:46:52.960
so it’s important to know that not

0:46:51.440,0:46:53.760
everyone there’s not always a winner and

0:46:52.960,0:46:56.319
a loser

0:46:53.760,0:46:58.400
in a conflict resolution that’s you know

0:46:56.319,0:47:01.040
we’ve mentioned that

0:46:58.400,0:47:02.640
but there’s not always a resolution

0:47:01.040,0:47:05.839
either

0:47:02.640,0:47:07.520
so you have to understand and analyze

0:47:05.839,0:47:09.520
what the outcome of that will be and

0:47:07.520,0:47:11.200
prepare for that too

0:47:09.520,0:47:13.839
don’t always expect the resolution to

0:47:11.200,0:47:13.839
come out of it

0:47:14.000,0:47:18.560
did you have anything else to add um

0:47:19.760,0:47:23.760
i was just thinking maybe we could talk

0:47:21.520,0:47:26.000
a bit more about mediators

0:47:23.760,0:47:27.920
okay tell us tell you know let’s let’s

0:47:26.000,0:47:28.800
let’s bring up the idea of mediation

0:47:27.920,0:47:32.559
because i didn’t

0:47:28.800,0:47:33.200
really cover it here yeah so mediation

0:47:32.559,0:47:36.480
is

0:47:33.200,0:47:39.920
something you use if both people

0:47:36.480,0:47:43.200
are very stan are stood

0:47:39.920,0:47:45.040
on there are standing on their

0:47:43.200,0:47:48.160
on their ideas of what’s right and

0:47:45.040,0:47:51.200
what’s wrong and don’t seem to agree

0:47:48.160,0:47:54.640
they get they then get an outside force

0:47:51.200,0:47:55.440
considered a mediator and basically the

0:47:54.640,0:47:58.240
mediator

0:47:55.440,0:47:59.280
is supposed to hear both sides and

0:47:58.240,0:48:01.200
hopefully get

0:47:59.280,0:48:02.319
both of them to come up with either a

0:48:01.200,0:48:05.599
win-win solution

0:48:02.319,0:48:06.720
or a compromise right so your mediator

0:48:05.599,0:48:08.800
would be impartial

0:48:06.720,0:48:10.400
they wouldn’t take a side here they

0:48:08.800,0:48:12.240
would listen to the arguments from both

0:48:10.400,0:48:14.319
sides kind of like a judge

0:48:12.240,0:48:16.400
they would listen to the ideas from both

0:48:14.319,0:48:18.880
sides and then

0:48:16.400,0:48:20.800
help to propose some of the solutions

0:48:18.880,0:48:22.960
that are available

0:48:20.800,0:48:24.160
the mediator usually doesn’t pass

0:48:22.960,0:48:25.920
judgment

0:48:24.160,0:48:27.280
they’re there to basically affect

0:48:25.920,0:48:29.440
communication

0:48:27.280,0:48:31.040
and to try to get you to cooperate to

0:48:29.440,0:48:33.200
the point to get to

0:48:31.040,0:48:35.280
a conflict resolution yeah and it’s

0:48:33.200,0:48:37.839
important to note that your mediator

0:48:35.280,0:48:40.400
can’t really just be anyone it needs to

0:48:37.839,0:48:43.119
be someone who has good communication

0:48:40.400,0:48:43.680
skills and has good problem solving

0:48:43.119,0:48:45.760
skills

0:48:43.680,0:48:47.200
because if you get someone who’s not

0:48:45.760,0:48:48.079
good with that they might just make the

0:48:47.200,0:48:50.240
conflict even

0:48:48.079,0:48:52.079
worse right and you definitely want to

0:48:50.240,0:48:55.440
make sure you don’t get someone who’s

0:48:52.079,0:48:56.880
partial to one side or the other

0:48:55.440,0:48:59.040
like you don’t want someone’s best

0:48:56.880,0:49:01.599
friend to be the mediator you want an

0:48:59.040,0:49:03.839
independent third party to do the

0:49:01.599,0:49:08.000
mediation for you to ensure that

0:49:03.839,0:49:11.280
both sides are represented equally

0:49:08.000,0:49:11.280
okay that works

0:49:11.359,0:49:14.319
take a quick break we’ll come back and

0:49:12.800,0:49:15.440
we’ll get your closing remarks and

0:49:14.319,0:49:16.380
shoutouts

0:49:15.440,0:49:21.440
ready

0:49:16.380,0:49:24.240
[Music]

0:49:21.440,0:49:26.160
go for your closing remarks okay so for

0:49:24.240,0:49:27.520
everyone out there regardless of your

0:49:26.160,0:49:29.280
age

0:49:27.520,0:49:30.559
like we’ve said multiple times before

0:49:29.280,0:49:33.760
conflict

0:49:30.559,0:49:34.960
is inevitable it is something that will

0:49:33.760,0:49:37.839
never go away

0:49:34.960,0:49:38.800
and will always be there and it’s

0:49:37.839,0:49:41.200
important to

0:49:38.800,0:49:42.000
try and resolve the conflict as much as

0:49:41.200,0:49:44.319
you can

0:49:42.000,0:49:46.079
and important to note that it’s not

0:49:44.319,0:49:48.160
always going to go your way and it’s not

0:49:46.079,0:49:51.280
always going to be able to get resolved

0:49:48.160,0:49:53.599
so it’s important to understand and

0:49:51.280,0:49:54.480
learn how to resolve conflict and know

0:49:53.599,0:49:56.960
that

0:49:54.480,0:49:59.280
it’s not always going to happen and not

0:49:56.960,0:50:02.400
everything’s gonna go in your favor

0:49:59.280,0:50:04.400
okay very well said thank you before we

0:50:02.400,0:50:05.839
go though i would invite folks to

0:50:04.400,0:50:07.839
subscribe to us

0:50:05.839,0:50:10.480
uh you can catch our video versions of

0:50:07.839,0:50:12.240
our podcast as insights into things

0:50:10.480,0:50:14.000
our audio versions are listed as

0:50:12.240,0:50:16.160
insights into teens

0:50:14.000,0:50:18.720
we are available on apple podcast

0:50:16.160,0:50:19.920
spotify google stitcher iheartradio

0:50:18.720,0:50:24.800
pandora and

0:50:19.920,0:50:27.599
amazon we’d also love to hear from our

0:50:24.800,0:50:29.400
viewers and listeners out there you can

0:50:27.599,0:50:31.200
email us at comments at

0:50:29.400,0:50:33.040
insightsintothings.com

0:50:31.200,0:50:34.960
you can hit us on twitter at insights

0:50:33.040,0:50:36.720
underscore things

0:50:34.960,0:50:38.720
you can catch our high res videos on

0:50:36.720,0:50:41.520
youtube at youtube.com

0:50:38.720,0:50:42.400
insights into things we do stream six

0:50:41.520,0:50:45.680
days a week

0:50:42.400,0:50:46.880
on twitch at twitch.tv slash insights

0:50:45.680,0:50:48.800
into things if you’re an

0:50:46.880,0:50:51.200
amazon prime member you get a free

0:50:48.800,0:50:53.839
twitch prime subscription

0:50:51.200,0:50:56.800
that you would uh would be very

0:50:53.839,0:50:58.559
appreciative if you throw it our way

0:50:56.800,0:51:02.240
audio versions of our podcast can be

0:50:58.559,0:51:03.680
found at podcast.insightsintheteens.com

0:51:02.240,0:51:06.160
you can find us on facebook at

0:51:03.680,0:51:07.599
facebook.com insights into things

0:51:06.160,0:51:09.359
podcast

0:51:07.599,0:51:11.119
we’re on instagram at insights into

0:51:09.359,0:51:11.520
things and you can get links to all of

0:51:11.119,0:51:14.490
this

0:51:11.520,0:51:16.319
plus show notes transcripts

0:51:14.490,0:51:18.640
[Music]

0:51:16.319,0:51:20.640
and other stuff that i can’t think of

0:51:18.640,0:51:23.680
right now on our website

0:51:20.640,0:51:26.000
at www

0:51:23.680,0:51:27.440
have you and don’t forget to check out

0:51:26.000,0:51:29.520
our other two podcasts

0:51:27.440,0:51:30.480
insights in the entertainment hosted by

0:51:29.520,0:51:32.480
you and mommy

0:51:30.480,0:51:35.040
and insight into tomorrow our monthly

0:51:32.480,0:51:37.040
podcast hosted by you and my brother sam

0:51:35.040,0:51:39.420
well done that’s it another one in the

0:51:37.040,0:51:44.459
books bye everyone

0:51:39.420,0:51:44.459
[Music]

0:51:48.839,0:51:51.839
bye

0:51:51.960,0:52:01.820
[Music]

0:52:08.000,0:52:10.079
you

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.