Insights Into Teens: Episode 82 “Teens and Trust”

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This week we look at the complicated nature of trust when it comes to our teens. We’ll explore the benefits of building a trusting relationship with your teen, how it can help prepare them for adulthood and how it can help with your relationship. We’ll talk about ways to build and maintain that trust, some of the dangers that threaten that trust and the pitfalls to try to stay away from.

Trust is one of the most important things for teens and adults. It’s something that carries you through life and defines the type of person you are. Trust, like respect is difficult to earn by easy to squander just like money. Learning how to build trust and how to avoid habits and actions that can erode that trust are important lessons for maturing teenagers.

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Show Notes

[INTRO THEME]

[TRANSITION]

  • What is Trust
    • Trust, much like respect is something that is difficult to earn and takes time but can be squandered very easily.
    • Trust is the basic foundation of every relationship you’ll ever make in life
      • Whether it’s friends, family or business associates, relationships are built on trust.
    • Trust is defined simply as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something
    • Trust in relationships is about being able to count on someone.
      • This could mean counting on someone to have your back through a difficult period in your life and supporting you to help get through it
      • It could mean counting on someone to tell your feelings, problems and secrets to knowing that they will protect those in confidence
      • Trust could mean knowing the person that you are with is going to look out for your best interest and not bring harm to you
      • Or it could be a simple as knowing that they will treat you with the some consideration, respect and thoughtfulness that you would treat them
    • There is a significant element of vulnerability that comes with trust.
      • By its very nature trust in someone makes you vulnerable to them
      • That vulnerability is what builds trust because it is a mutual exposure that both parties share
      • Trust isn’t always a fair and even trade, which makes the risk of exposure even more frightening

[AD1: SSE]

  • Why is building trust with your teenager important?.
    • Your child needs your trust to help them in their transition through to adulthood.
    • However, this trust needs to be mutual.
    • You and your child need to meet in the middle and develop a healthy way to trust in each other and each of your decisions.
    • Remember that the more this mutual trust is tested, the longer it will take to get to a place where you are both confident you can trust each other.
    • A relationship without trust leads to second-guessing and questioning each other’s honesty. When your child was young they probably trusted you unequivocally, as the person that kept them safe. 
    • However as children grow up and become more independent, they start to notice and question more.
    • It’s around this time that your child may notice whether you do what you say you will do, which is a key factor in building trust. 
    • As a parent, you can’t demand trust.
    • It’s a gradual process that requires mutual commitment and it will inevitably strengthen your relationship.
    • It will also set your child up to develop healthy relationships in the future. 
    • It’s worth noting that teenagers are going through an intensely private time in their lives.
    • Personal space becomes very important to them, so the desire for privacy doesn’t always mean untrustworthy activity is taking place. It’s important to keep that in mind.
       
  • Benefits of building trust with your teenager
    • By building a trusting relationship with your teenager, you’re likely see many benefits, including:
      • Your teenager feeling open and comfortable to talk to you about difficult things
      • Your teenager demonstrating positive, trustworthy behaviours in other aspects of their life, setting them up for positive relationships into adulthood
      • Building a relationship with your teenager that goes beyond a parent-child disciplinary relationship, and strengthening your bond for years to come.
         

[AD2: ENTERTAINMENT]

  • Parents and Teen Trust Relationship
  • https://www.allprodad.com/how-to-build-trust-with-your-teen/
  • https://bit.ly/2FCrf2G
    • Parents need access to information about their teens in order to meet the needs of their teens, provide for them and guide them on their journey to adulthood.
    • Some parents opt for an invasive and exposed approach by snooping on their teens diaries, checking their only activities or for lack of a better term “spying” on their teens.
      • These are tactics that are required where there is a lack of trust between teens and parents
    • Alternatively, you can choose to build a relationship of trust with your teen so that the information you seek from them is exchanged freely and openly without resentment or incentive to conceal anything.
    • Here are some suggestions for how to build a trusting relationship with your teen.
       
  • Model the Expected Behavior
    • Parents should conduct themselves in the way that they would expect their teens to conduct themselves
    • Set the example through your actions as a parent
    • Be open and honest
    • Avoid activities that you don’t want your teen engaging in
    • Communicate frequently and have an open mind
       
  • Find Common Interests
    • Find topics that you both have an interest or passion for, even if they are opposing viewpoints
    • Discuss those topics and understand each other’s perspective
    • Learn to see things from the other person’s point of view and understand their reasoning
    • Learn to understand the perspective of the opposing party
       
  • Think and plan for the future
    • There are multiple stages of development teens go through, having a plan for each stage and preparing your teen for the changes they can expect is important
    • Encourage your teen to forum their own opinions on topics, do their own research and not just adopt what they here at home or from their friends
    • Invest the time to help your teen plan for their future so they understand that you are invested in their success and development
       
  • Spend time with your teen
    • Do fun things together that you both enjoy
    • Let them understand that how important their time is to you and how much you enjoy the shared time together
    • Let them know how interested you are in their hobbies and use that time to understand their passions, interests and points of view.
    • Learn to understand what makes your teen tick
    • Enjoy the time you have with your teen and ensure they enjoy the time with you, an enjoyable time together will ensure they want to spend more time with you and that it won’t be a chore
       
  • Learn from mistakes
    • It’s ok to make mistakes, we all do, as long as we learn from them
    • It’s less costly to learn from someone else’s mistakes than your own
    • Don’t be afraid to reveal mistakes you’ve made in the past, those revelations go along way to building trust and making your teen realize you aren’t perfect and have gone through many of the same things they are going through
    • There is light at the end of the tunnel, you are proof of that as a parent

[TRANSITION]

  • Mistakes and Pitfalls to avoid
  • https://www.huffpost.com/entry/7-ways-to-develop-trust-w_b_9292812
  • https://bit.ly/3cdeE1C
    • Avoid some of the more common mistakes that parents make that can compromise the trust you’ve built and make regaining that trust difficult
       
      • Avoid Unrealistic Expectations
        • It’s fine to have expectations from you teen but ensure they are realistic
        • Don’t expect your teen to be perfect, they won’t be. No one is.
        • Be understanding and compassionate when they make mistakes
        • Discuss the expectations and respect the concerns your teens might have about the expectations you hold for them
           
      • Be honest
        • Always be honest with your teen
        • Even if there is something you might not feel comfortable talking about, make them aware of the discomfort or the reasons for not wanting to talk about that subject.
          • Don’t avoid the subject
          • Don’t lie about the subject
        • Don’t heap undeserving praise on a teen
          • Telling someone they’re doing a great job when they aren’t doesn’t help them
          • Constructive criticism is what helps us hone our flaws and become better
          • Be compassionate and respectful and ensure your teen knows that any criticism is given in an attempt to help them, not belittle them
             
      • Communicate often and early
        • Communication is the key to building any relationship
        • When you sense something might be wrong or bothering your teen ask about it
          • Don’t be overly insistent
          • They should know you sense something is wrong and are concerned but you shouldn’t force anything out of them, they’ll talk when they are ready if they trust you
        • Don’t wait for a problem to come up to talk, it should be a regular occurrence
          • Don’t be afraid to discuss issues bothering you
          • Be mindful of the audience and temper your message to be age appropriate
          • Don’t overly burden your teen with your problems, but a shared struggle is one that can build trust and confidence between people
             
      • Don’t smother them
        • We care about our teens and want the best for them, but not at the expense of being overly burdensome on them
        • You want them to know you love them, you don’t want to hover over them judging everything they do
        • It’s important to know what your teens are doing, but finding out can’t be an exercise in prying on their personal lives
        • You’ll get the information you require through an open and trusting relationship, not by strongarming the information out of your teen
        • Give them space, make sure they know you are there to support them and give them the opportunity to open up to you
        • Teens need to feel they have the freedom to bring their issues to their parents and not feel obligated to do so
        • Teens often turn to their friends before their parents, that’s fine as long as they know the door is open and you are ready and willing to listen objectively

[TRANSITION]

[OUTRO AND CREDITS]

Transcription

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[Music]

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insightful podcasts

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by informative hosts

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[Music]

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insights into things a podcast network

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[Music]

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welcome to insights into teens a podcast

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series exploring the issues and

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challenges

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of today’s youth your hosts are joseph

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and madison whalen

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a father and daughter team making their

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way through the challenges of the

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teenage years

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[Applause]

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welcome to insights into teens this is

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episode 82

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teens and trusts i’m your host joseph

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whalen

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and my responsible and trustworthy

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co-host madison whalen

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hi everyone how you doing today manny

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pretty good

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have a good week this week this was your

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first full squeak of school

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right uh yep definitely uh well did that

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go for you

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um it went pretty well um definitely

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a new experience but um i definitely

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was a but i was able to get all the work

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done and it wasn’t super difficult so

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good so this was uh full week one full

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days

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of remote schooling what’s the biggest

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challenge you ran into

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um yeah i think that technical

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lot of people run into that yeah there

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was actually i think

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on tuesday a lot of people weren’t able

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to go on google drive and that’s one of

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the main drives of you

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one of the main things we use for school

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so um

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yeah yeah i’m but i didn’t have that

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issue

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but i knew other people did interesting

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and i’m sure over the course of the next

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couple of weeks they’ll iron out all the

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little

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kinks and stuff here and there but

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that’s not what we’re talking about

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today today we’re talking about

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teens and trust and this is really

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more uh this topic is centered more on

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the

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relationship the trust relationship that

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parents have with their teens and how

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important that is

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but we’ll touch on how trust becomes

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important in other things as well

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before we start on that though i would

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invite everyone to subscribe to the

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sorry i really need to update these

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notes uh you can also catch us on

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all of these and eventually our

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instagram because

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we have that now but i haven’t gotten

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that into the notes

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you can catch all of that on our website

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at insightsintothings.com

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are we ready to get into it yep all

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right

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so what is trust

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so trust and we’ve talked about respect

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in the past right

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yep so trust is very much like respect

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it’s something that is difficult to earn

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and it takes time to earn but it can be

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squandered very easily just like

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currency

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just like money yep trust is the basic

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foundation of every

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relationship you’ll ever make in life so

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even beyond

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you know parent and child

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so whether it’s friends family or

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business associates

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relationships are all built on trust

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your reputation is built on trust as

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well

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trust is defined simply as a firm belief

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in the reliability truth or ability

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or strength of someone or something

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if i trust you i know i can count on you

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that’s really what it comes down to

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yep um this could mean counting on

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someone to have your back

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through a difficult period in your life

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or supporting you

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to help you get through it it could mean

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counting on someone to

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tell your feelings to and your problems

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and secrets

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and knowing that they’ll protect those

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with confidence

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trust could mean knowing the person that

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you are with is going to look out for

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your best

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interest and not bring harm to you

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that’s where we

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kind of get into that relationship trust

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a lot

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like i trust mommy to look out for my

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best interest

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and not to deliberately bring me harm

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and i think she trusts me in that same

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way

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yep it could mean it could be as simple

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as knowing

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that they’ll treat you with the same

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consideration respect and thoughtfulness

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that you would treat them

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and that’s along the lines of a

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friendship trust there

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there is a significant element of

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vulnerability that comes with trust this

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is where people have trust

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issues trust falls

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you know you you might not trust someone

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to catch you in a trustful and there’s

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where that vulnerability comes in

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um so anytime that you do invest someone

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in trust

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you expose yourself to a certain amount

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of

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vulnerability there by its very nature

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trust

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is trust in someone makes you vulnerable

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to them

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that vulnerability is what builds trust

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because it’s a mutual exposure that both

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parties share

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and trust isn’t always fair or an

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even tree which means the risk of

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exposure is even more frightening there

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are times that you may be in a position

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where you have to trust someone but they

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don’t necessarily have to trust

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you and that’s where it sort of gets

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complicated

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so that’s sort of where we are with

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trust

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that’s the definition that we’re going

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to be working off of today okay

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so let me the first question that i want

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to ask with is

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do you have trust issues um

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not necessarily um i do try to look out

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for

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signs of negative people and

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with those negative signs i tend to not

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trust people who have already shown that

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people who do tr

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have already shown how they um treat

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people who do trust them and if they

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treat them negatively

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it’s a warning sign to me to know don’t

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trust them

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but with someone who is who does treat

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people kindly who trust them and that

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they

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can um be very trustworthy and

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also trust the other person then i can

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rely my trust on them as well

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and that’s a that’s a very good point

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because a lot of times

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it’s that trust reputation that you rely

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on where if other people trust you

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there’s a higher chance that i’ll be

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able to trust you because you have a

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proven track record

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one great example of trust and i don’t

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know if you’re familiar with charlie

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brown and the peanuts cartoons

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kinda so there’s this one recurring

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theme in there where

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i forget if it’s lucy or peppermint

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patty one of them holds a football for

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charlie brown the king yeah that’s lucy

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that’s lucy so she holds the the

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football for him to kick

0:08:33.599,0:08:39.279
over and over and as he’s about to kick

0:08:35.839,0:08:41.680
it she pulls it away and he falls

0:08:39.279,0:08:42.479
that’s someone that you can’t trust yeah

0:08:41.680,0:08:46.160
well

0:08:42.479,0:08:47.760
well you can you can trust

0:08:46.160,0:08:49.279
that they’re going to continue to do the

0:08:47.760,0:08:51.519
same thing

0:08:49.279,0:08:54.560
so that’s that’s sort of another thing

0:08:51.519,0:08:57.320
is that

0:08:54.560,0:08:59.360
people are people you can count on

0:08:57.320,0:09:01.120
untrustworthy people are people you

0:08:59.360,0:09:04.000
can’t count on

0:09:01.120,0:09:05.839
but you can trust that they’re going to

0:09:04.000,0:09:09.279
be untrustworthy

0:09:05.839,0:09:13.120
so for instance if i loan you

0:09:09.279,0:09:15.519
twenty dollars and you don’t pay it back

0:09:13.120,0:09:17.360
and i loan you twenty dollars again and

0:09:15.519,0:09:19.120
you don’t pay it back

0:09:17.360,0:09:20.399
then chances are the next time i loan

0:09:19.120,0:09:22.959
you twenty dollars

0:09:20.399,0:09:25.360
you’re not going to pay it back that

0:09:22.959,0:09:29.040
doesn’t mean you don’t need it

0:09:25.360,0:09:32.160
but what it means is i can’t trust

0:09:29.040,0:09:34.640
that you’ll pay me back but if i don’t

0:09:32.160,0:09:36.320
need that 20 bucks

0:09:34.640,0:09:39.200
then i can give it to you at that point

0:09:36.320,0:09:43.120
then then at least i know i can

0:09:39.200,0:09:45.200
i can reconcile myself to know

0:09:43.120,0:09:47.120
that i’m not loaning you 20 i’m giving

0:09:45.200,0:09:50.320
you 20

0:09:47.120,0:09:53.839
so in a lack of trust you can

0:09:50.320,0:09:54.640
build an assumption of trust like if i

0:09:53.839,0:09:56.160
can assume

0:09:54.640,0:09:57.519
i can’t trust you to pay it back then i

0:09:56.160,0:09:59.040
know i’m not going to get it so i’m not

0:09:57.519,0:10:01.040
going to be disappointed by giving you

0:09:59.040,0:10:03.519
20

0:10:01.040,0:10:05.839
so there’s kind of that extension of

0:10:03.519,0:10:09.680
trust there too

0:10:05.839,0:10:11.519
so well let’s take a quick break

0:10:09.680,0:10:13.279
and we’ll come back and we’ll talk about

0:10:11.519,0:10:19.839
why building trust

0:10:13.279,0:10:19.839
in your teenager is important

0:10:24.560,0:10:30.320
for over seven years the second sith

0:10:27.600,0:10:31.200
empire has been the premier community

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guild

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in the online game star wars the old

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republic

0:10:35.440,0:10:40.160
with hundreds of friendly and helpful

0:10:38.399,0:10:43.519
active members

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a weekly schedule of nightly events

0:10:43.519,0:10:47.440
annual guild meet and greets and an

0:10:46.240,0:10:51.120
active community

0:10:47.440,0:10:53.600
both on the web and on discord

0:10:51.120,0:10:55.519
the second civ empire is more than your

0:10:53.600,0:10:59.279
typical gaming group

0:10:55.519,0:11:00.079
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0:10:59.279,0:11:03.600
server

0:11:00.079,0:11:06.880
for nightly events such as operations

0:11:03.600,0:11:10.240
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0:11:06.880,0:11:12.079
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0:11:12.079,0:11:16.320
visit us on the web today at

0:11:18.040,0:11:21.040
http://www.the2ndsithempire.com

0:11:21.580,0:11:28.880
[Music]

0:11:26.480,0:11:30.160
so we’re talking trust today we’re

0:11:28.880,0:11:33.680
talking teens

0:11:30.160,0:11:35.839
and trust and

0:11:33.680,0:11:37.600
i’m going to talk about why it’s

0:11:35.839,0:11:39.519
important to build trust with your

0:11:37.600,0:11:41.200
teenagers

0:11:39.519,0:11:42.640
one of the things that they talk about

0:11:41.200,0:11:45.360
is

0:11:42.640,0:11:45.920
your your child needs your trust to help

0:11:45.360,0:11:50.160
them

0:11:45.920,0:11:52.399
in their transition through adulthood

0:11:50.160,0:11:53.839
because you you come to your parents for

0:11:52.399,0:11:57.279
advice a lot don’t you

0:11:53.839,0:11:58.720
uh-huh and you know if you didn’t trust

0:11:57.279,0:12:01.440
your parents

0:11:58.720,0:12:01.760
you wouldn’t have that resource you know

0:12:01.440,0:12:03.440
our

0:12:01.760,0:12:06.000
parents are a resource for you as you’re

0:12:03.440,0:12:08.399
growing up aren’t they yeah pretty much

0:12:06.000,0:12:09.680
now do you do you trust mommy and daddy

0:12:08.399,0:12:12.079
to guide you

0:12:09.680,0:12:13.760
through that i mean yeah i’m very

0:12:12.079,0:12:15.680
trustworthy because

0:12:13.760,0:12:17.120
you guys definitely give me the good

0:12:15.680,0:12:19.680
advice and

0:12:17.120,0:12:20.560
you don’t just shoo me away or tell me

0:12:19.680,0:12:23.040
bad advice

0:12:20.560,0:12:24.000
that um i realize will give me

0:12:23.040,0:12:27.279
consequences

0:12:24.000,0:12:28.160
later on so i definitely can trust you

0:12:27.279,0:12:31.360
guys

0:12:28.160,0:12:31.839
um to give me the right advice and help

0:12:31.360,0:12:33.680
me

0:12:31.839,0:12:36.079
and help guide me through any problems

0:12:33.680,0:12:38.959
i’m going through that’s good

0:12:36.079,0:12:41.519
now they do say that trust is a mutual

0:12:38.959,0:12:43.839
relationship so

0:12:41.519,0:12:45.040
you the parent and the child need to

0:12:43.839,0:12:47.600
meet in the middle

0:12:45.040,0:12:49.040
and develop a healthy way to trust each

0:12:47.600,0:12:52.959
other

0:12:49.040,0:12:56.079
and to reach decisions together

0:12:52.959,0:12:59.200
so you know if you trusted us but

0:12:56.079,0:13:01.440
you proved untrustworthy that would kind

0:12:59.200,0:13:03.279
of be a one-sided relationship there

0:13:01.440,0:13:07.120
that wouldn’t work out very well

0:13:03.279,0:13:10.880
yeah do you think you

0:13:07.120,0:13:12.639
are trustworthy yourself i mean i try to

0:13:10.880,0:13:15.680
be trustworthy

0:13:12.639,0:13:18.639
um like um

0:13:15.680,0:13:19.279
mommy used to have to tell me to take my

0:13:18.639,0:13:22.160
bath

0:13:19.279,0:13:22.800
um every time i needed to take a shower

0:13:22.160,0:13:25.839
um

0:13:22.800,0:13:27.600
and a few months ago i just started

0:13:25.839,0:13:30.880
doing it on my own

0:13:27.600,0:13:34.480
and after that she stopped telling me to

0:13:30.880,0:13:36.720
take my bath when i needed to because

0:13:34.480,0:13:37.600
she could trust me to do it and normally

0:13:36.720,0:13:40.240
and i would always

0:13:37.600,0:13:42.000
normally do it right that’s a very good

0:13:40.240,0:13:44.720
example there

0:13:42.000,0:13:47.839
they say remember the more this mutual

0:13:44.720,0:13:49.680
trust is tested the longer it will take

0:13:47.839,0:13:52.639
to place

0:13:49.680,0:13:53.279
to to put in place where you’re both

0:13:52.639,0:13:56.320
confident

0:13:53.279,0:13:58.240
you can trust each other so if we

0:13:56.320,0:14:02.000
asked you to do things and you

0:13:58.240,0:14:04.720
consistently didn’t do things then

0:14:02.000,0:14:06.160
you it takes longer to trust right so

0:14:04.720,0:14:10.000
it’s

0:14:06.160,0:14:12.959
the action of trusting builds trust

0:14:10.000,0:14:13.760
but the failure to follow through on

0:14:12.959,0:14:17.360
that trust

0:14:13.760,0:14:19.040
erodes trust quickly so every time we

0:14:17.360,0:14:21.360
ask you to do something and you do it

0:14:19.040,0:14:23.360
that builds trust quickly

0:14:21.360,0:14:25.279
but when you fail to do it we then have

0:14:23.360,0:14:28.000
to make up for that failure

0:14:25.279,0:14:29.519
and then rebuild that trust again and

0:14:28.000,0:14:32.480
then and you know we’re not talking

0:14:29.519,0:14:34.480
about major things here sometimes it’s

0:14:32.480,0:14:36.160
forgetfulness sometimes that you’re so

0:14:34.480,0:14:38.000
busy doing other things that you don’t

0:14:36.160,0:14:41.120
get around the doing things

0:14:38.000,0:14:42.639
so we’re not talking major violations of

0:14:41.120,0:14:45.120
trust

0:14:42.639,0:14:45.839
although they can happen you know you

0:14:45.120,0:14:48.880
can make

0:14:45.839,0:14:48.880
bad decisions

0:14:49.040,0:14:53.279
a great example is if mommy and daddy go

0:14:51.279,0:14:54.959
away for a weekend

0:14:53.279,0:14:56.639
and you decide that that’s a great time

0:14:54.959,0:14:58.480
to throw a party

0:14:56.639,0:14:59.760
so that would be a major violation of

0:14:58.480,0:15:01.920
trust

0:14:59.760,0:15:03.680
but if i ask you to take the trash out

0:15:01.920,0:15:06.720
and you’re busy doing homework and then

0:15:03.680,0:15:08.880
you move on from that to watching tv

0:15:06.720,0:15:10.000
that’s not going to erode trust all that

0:15:08.880,0:15:13.519
much

0:15:10.000,0:15:15.360
on our part and the same thing you know

0:15:13.519,0:15:17.519
if mommy and daddy

0:15:15.360,0:15:18.959
promise something to you and you know we

0:15:17.519,0:15:22.000
promise to take you out to

0:15:18.959,0:15:23.600
buy you new school clothes and daddy

0:15:22.000,0:15:25.360
decides he wants to go buy a big screen

0:15:23.600,0:15:26.720
tv instead and i can’t afford to buy you

0:15:25.360,0:15:29.199
clothes that’s

0:15:26.720,0:15:31.040
you know a compromise of that trust so

0:15:29.199,0:15:33.360
it really is a two-way street

0:15:31.040,0:15:34.800
and as long as we’re all honest with

0:15:33.360,0:15:37.440
each other

0:15:34.800,0:15:38.959
and and we work towards building that

0:15:37.440,0:15:41.759
trust

0:15:38.959,0:15:43.680
that’s something that is a foundation

0:15:41.759,0:15:47.120
moving forward

0:15:43.680,0:15:48.639
now do you do you feel that you can

0:15:47.120,0:15:50.959
trust mommy and daddy

0:15:48.639,0:15:51.920
to look out for your best interests at

0:15:50.959,0:15:53.839
this point

0:15:51.920,0:15:55.040
i mean yeah you’ve definitely proven it

0:15:53.839,0:15:58.399
multiple times

0:15:55.040,0:16:01.040
like whenever i’m down and

0:15:58.399,0:16:02.480
um i needed someone to talk to or i just

0:16:01.040,0:16:04.880
needed some advice

0:16:02.480,0:16:05.759
you guys were always there to help me

0:16:04.880,0:16:09.279
and

0:16:05.759,0:16:12.560
you were looking for the best solution

0:16:09.279,0:16:15.759
to help me and and

0:16:12.560,0:16:19.120
not really concerning about um

0:16:15.759,0:16:22.399
it violating any of your needs although

0:16:19.120,0:16:24.240
most of the time it never really did um

0:16:22.399,0:16:25.680
so yeah i definitely say that i trust

0:16:24.240,0:16:28.240
you guys to

0:16:25.680,0:16:30.880
look out for me well that’s important

0:16:28.240,0:16:33.759
you know a relationship without trust

0:16:30.880,0:16:35.839
leads to second guessing and questioning

0:16:33.759,0:16:38.079
each other’s honesty

0:16:35.839,0:16:39.040
when your child was young they probably

0:16:38.079,0:16:42.800
trusted you

0:16:39.040,0:16:44.639
unequivocally but and as

0:16:42.800,0:16:46.560
the person they would trust you as the

0:16:44.639,0:16:48.399
person that would keep them safe and and

0:16:46.560,0:16:49.199
really that’s how it should be it should

0:16:48.399,0:16:53.519
just be

0:16:49.199,0:16:55.600
by default but as children grow up

0:16:53.519,0:16:58.240
they become more independent and they

0:16:55.600,0:17:02.880
start to notice and question more

0:16:58.240,0:17:06.959
so as you get older that trust is less

0:17:02.880,0:17:10.319
implicit and needs to be more explicit

0:17:06.959,0:17:12.959
we don’t just earn trust automatically

0:17:10.319,0:17:14.240
to a certain extent you do because for

0:17:12.959,0:17:16.839
your parents and we’re legally

0:17:14.240,0:17:21.199
responsible for you

0:17:16.839,0:17:24.880
but you know we have to continue

0:17:21.199,0:17:26.400
to set a good example to show that we

0:17:24.880,0:17:29.039
deserve that trust

0:17:26.400,0:17:30.320
just like you do you know it’s it’s a

0:17:29.039,0:17:30.799
you don’t reach a point and then you

0:17:30.320,0:17:33.919
stop

0:17:30.799,0:17:37.200
making that effort you know yeah we have

0:17:33.919,0:17:39.440
to continuously do that

0:17:37.200,0:17:41.679
it’s around this time that your child

0:17:39.440,0:17:44.720
may notice whether

0:17:41.679,0:17:47.200
you do what you say you’ll do

0:17:44.720,0:17:47.760
which is a key factor in building trust

0:17:47.200,0:17:49.840
so

0:17:47.760,0:17:51.039
again if i promise to do something and i

0:17:49.840,0:17:54.240
don’t

0:17:51.039,0:17:57.039
that erodes that trust if i

0:17:54.240,0:17:59.440
ask you to do something and you commit

0:17:57.039,0:18:03.200
to doing it but you don’t do it

0:17:59.440,0:18:03.200
that’s another way to erode trust

0:18:03.440,0:18:07.360
as a parent i can’t demand trust

0:18:05.919,0:18:10.720
especially as you get older

0:18:07.360,0:18:14.559
yep i have to earn it because i

0:18:10.720,0:18:16.320
can’t expect you to just give trust to

0:18:14.559,0:18:19.600
anyone because they demand it because

0:18:16.320,0:18:20.240
when you get out in the real world that

0:18:19.600,0:18:22.640
type of

0:18:20.240,0:18:25.360
philosophy is very dangerous because

0:18:22.640,0:18:28.240
it’s gonna you’re gonna get burned if if

0:18:25.360,0:18:29.840
if i teach you that i demand trust and i

0:18:28.240,0:18:30.240
should get it you just give it to me and

0:18:29.840,0:18:33.760
i don’t

0:18:30.240,0:18:34.480
deserve it then you’re going to employ

0:18:33.760,0:18:36.480
that

0:18:34.480,0:18:39.600
in the real world in a job in a

0:18:36.480,0:18:43.120
relationship in a friendship whatever

0:18:39.600,0:18:44.559
and that could lead to problems at that

0:18:43.120,0:18:47.440
point in time you have to

0:18:44.559,0:18:50.559
know how to trust people yeah and what

0:18:47.440,0:18:50.559
signs to look for

0:18:52.160,0:18:57.520
it is gradual and it requires mutual

0:18:55.440,0:18:59.600
commitment

0:18:57.520,0:19:01.280
so both sides have to work out just like

0:18:59.600,0:19:03.280
a relationship

0:19:01.280,0:19:05.679
you know relationships take two people

0:19:03.280,0:19:08.960
to make work and they take two people

0:19:05.679,0:19:10.160
to fail and if you’re not willing to put

0:19:08.960,0:19:12.160
in the effort

0:19:10.160,0:19:15.120
you’re never going to have that trust

0:19:12.160,0:19:18.320
that you need for a successful

0:19:15.120,0:19:18.320
interaction with people

0:19:18.559,0:19:22.440
it will also set your child up to

0:19:20.400,0:19:23.600
develop healthy relationships in the

0:19:22.440,0:19:25.360
future

0:19:23.600,0:19:26.799
now it’s worth noting that teenagers are

0:19:25.360,0:19:29.039
going through an

0:19:26.799,0:19:30.400
intensely private time in their lives

0:19:29.039,0:19:32.000
when you go through this period of your

0:19:30.400,0:19:34.880
time

0:19:32.000,0:19:37.200
personal space becomes very important

0:19:34.880,0:19:37.600
the desire for privacy doesn’t always

0:19:37.200,0:19:40.559
mean

0:19:37.600,0:19:43.360
untrustworthy activity is taking place

0:19:40.559,0:19:46.480
it’s important to keep that in mind

0:19:43.360,0:19:49.280
let’s talk briefly about privacy and how

0:19:46.480,0:19:49.280
important that is

0:19:49.360,0:19:54.160
a lot of times we’ve run into

0:19:52.799,0:19:56.240
and i’m just going to talk in broad

0:19:54.160,0:19:57.360
terms about privacy here with the

0:19:56.240,0:19:59.280
internet

0:19:57.360,0:20:01.760
so one of the things that’s a big push

0:19:59.280,0:20:05.440
nowadays is

0:20:01.760,0:20:08.720
the government doesn’t want people

0:20:05.440,0:20:10.000
to use encryption the government thinks

0:20:08.720,0:20:12.000
that they should be able to access

0:20:10.000,0:20:14.720
everybody’s email

0:20:12.000,0:20:16.480
and voicemail and and text messages and

0:20:14.720,0:20:18.880
all that stuff

0:20:16.480,0:20:20.000
because having it encrypted impedes

0:20:18.880,0:20:23.679
their ability

0:20:20.000,0:20:25.200
to investigate crimes okay

0:20:23.679,0:20:27.919
so they want to have back doors in the

0:20:25.200,0:20:31.679
thing well that back door

0:20:27.919,0:20:34.320
is a trust violation because

0:20:31.679,0:20:36.880
the government then has access to all

0:20:34.320,0:20:38.400
your personal stuff

0:20:36.880,0:20:40.080
so the problem that you run into is if

0:20:38.400,0:20:43.440
you give that that

0:20:40.080,0:20:44.880
access up to people then

0:20:43.440,0:20:47.039
there’s no way for you to protect that

0:20:44.880,0:20:49.280
you have to trust them to protect it

0:20:47.039,0:20:51.039
yeah and the the line that the

0:20:49.280,0:20:53.840
government tends to use

0:20:51.039,0:20:56.240
is well if you have nothing to hide then

0:20:53.840,0:20:58.240
why are you hiding

0:20:56.240,0:21:02.000
and it’s really it doesn’t come down

0:20:58.240,0:21:05.679
privacy is not about hiding things

0:21:02.000,0:21:07.919
privacy is about privacy

0:21:05.679,0:21:09.200
i don’t want you to know what i’m doing

0:21:07.919,0:21:11.600
in private

0:21:09.200,0:21:13.360
because it’s none of your business yeah

0:21:11.600,0:21:14.240
like some of the stuff can be super

0:21:13.360,0:21:17.360
personal

0:21:14.240,0:21:20.799
right um like and

0:21:17.360,0:21:21.520
privacy can like hide the personal stuff

0:21:20.799,0:21:23.520
because

0:21:21.520,0:21:26.240
there’s a bunch of stuff that you don’t

0:21:23.520,0:21:28.840
tell that you don’t put out in the world

0:21:26.240,0:21:30.159
and you just keep to yourself or your

0:21:28.840,0:21:32.880
family

0:21:30.159,0:21:34.880
like privacy is basically just the

0:21:32.880,0:21:36.240
personal stuff that you want and people

0:21:34.880,0:21:38.799
who try to violate that

0:21:36.240,0:21:39.679
privacy well it’s not any of their

0:21:38.799,0:21:41.760
business

0:21:39.679,0:21:44.400
it’s not any other business to look at

0:21:41.760,0:21:47.600
your personal information or any of

0:21:44.400,0:21:51.760
or anything you find personal and

0:21:47.600,0:21:55.600
um i think privacy is important for your

0:21:51.760,0:21:58.880
for more of your personal um ideas

0:21:55.600,0:22:01.120
and when someone tries to go

0:21:58.880,0:22:02.400
and when someone tries to break that

0:22:01.120,0:22:05.520
privacy

0:22:02.400,0:22:08.000
it causes distrust exactly

0:22:05.520,0:22:10.400
and that’s the the really the gist of

0:22:08.000,0:22:12.320
what privacy is it’s

0:22:10.400,0:22:13.840
it’s private not because i’m doing

0:22:12.320,0:22:14.880
something wrong and don’t want people to

0:22:13.840,0:22:16.960
see it

0:22:14.880,0:22:19.520
it’s private because it’s private and i

0:22:16.960,0:22:23.039
have a right to my privacy

0:22:19.520,0:22:24.720
so as you start to get older

0:22:23.039,0:22:26.080
and to a certain extent it’s happening

0:22:24.720,0:22:27.200
now because you spend a lot of time in

0:22:26.080,0:22:28.559
your room

0:22:27.200,0:22:30.720
you do a lot of your projects in your

0:22:28.559,0:22:34.080
room at this point in time

0:22:30.720,0:22:34.480
and whether that’s for privacy reasons

0:22:34.080,0:22:37.200
or

0:22:34.480,0:22:38.080
because it’s convenient or what doesn’t

0:22:37.200,0:22:40.400
really matter

0:22:38.080,0:22:41.919
you know that’s your private space and

0:22:40.400,0:22:43.679
you know if we’re going to come into

0:22:41.919,0:22:46.960
that private space

0:22:43.679,0:22:46.960
we need to ask permission

0:22:47.120,0:22:51.919
and that’s a trust thing you know we

0:22:49.440,0:22:55.039
trust that you’re not doing something

0:22:51.919,0:22:57.600
you know bad in private

0:22:55.039,0:22:58.080
but that you re rely on that privacy for

0:22:57.600,0:23:01.240
your

0:22:58.080,0:23:02.799
creative edge for your you know

0:23:01.240,0:23:05.039
self-meditation time

0:23:02.799,0:23:06.000
that that personal time that each of us

0:23:05.039,0:23:08.000
needs

0:23:06.000,0:23:10.880
you’re entitled to that and if we didn’t

0:23:08.000,0:23:14.080
trust you we wouldn’t allow that

0:23:10.880,0:23:16.000
so trust kind of reaches out into that

0:23:14.080,0:23:16.240
aspect of things too where it’s not just

0:23:16.000,0:23:19.520
a

0:23:16.240,0:23:22.480
personal one-on-one it it’s about

0:23:19.520,0:23:25.360
you know what you do how you do it you

0:23:22.480,0:23:27.440
might not want people to see

0:23:25.360,0:23:29.200
uh the projects that you’re working on

0:23:27.440,0:23:30.640
because you’re not ready for people to

0:23:29.200,0:23:32.559
see it

0:23:30.640,0:23:33.760
we need to trust that the things that

0:23:32.559,0:23:36.880
you’re doing are

0:23:33.760,0:23:39.600
above board basically

0:23:36.880,0:23:41.760
so that’s that’s sort of what the

0:23:39.600,0:23:43.679
relationships that we look at when we

0:23:41.760,0:23:45.039
talk about parents and teenagers where

0:23:43.679,0:23:46.400
it’s a two-way street and we have to

0:23:45.039,0:23:48.159
make sure that we’re all on the same

0:23:46.400,0:23:50.640
page and we

0:23:48.159,0:23:53.039
we earn each other’s trust and i think

0:23:50.640,0:23:55.200
that’s the most important part

0:23:53.039,0:23:57.360
there are some benefits that come with a

0:23:55.200,0:23:59.600
trusting relationship

0:23:57.360,0:24:01.360
um building a trusting relationship with

0:23:59.600,0:24:04.240
your teenager

0:24:01.360,0:24:05.039
you’ll see benefits like your teenager

0:24:04.240,0:24:06.640
feels

0:24:05.039,0:24:08.559
open and comfortable to talk to you

0:24:06.640,0:24:10.960
about difficulty

0:24:08.559,0:24:12.400
if we didn’t respect your privacy and we

0:24:10.960,0:24:15.200
didn’t have

0:24:12.400,0:24:17.679
a trusting relationship you’d be very

0:24:15.200,0:24:19.360
hesitant to come talk to us

0:24:17.679,0:24:21.039
and i think the one thing that mommy and

0:24:19.360,0:24:24.159
i like to

0:24:21.039,0:24:25.760
maintain is a very open line of

0:24:24.159,0:24:28.400
communication

0:24:25.760,0:24:30.320
if something is bothering you we should

0:24:28.400,0:24:32.559
be able to talk about it

0:24:30.320,0:24:34.240
if there are concerns that you have you

0:24:32.559,0:24:35.600
need to be able to come to us to it we

0:24:34.240,0:24:37.120
might not be able to solve all the

0:24:35.600,0:24:40.400
problems

0:24:37.120,0:24:42.400
but that openness when you have a

0:24:40.400,0:24:44.840
problem to talk to us

0:24:42.400,0:24:47.600
is something that can be very

0:24:44.840,0:24:49.760
therapeutic

0:24:47.600,0:24:51.440
so what is that level of comfort right

0:24:49.760,0:24:53.200
now if something is bothering you or do

0:24:51.440,0:24:54.400
you feel okay coming to mommy and daddy

0:24:53.200,0:24:56.320
to talk to us about it

0:24:54.400,0:24:58.159
yeah you are probably you guys are

0:24:56.320,0:25:00.080
probably the first people i go to talk

0:24:58.159,0:25:02.960
about it because i trust you guys so

0:25:00.080,0:25:03.520
much because you guys have proven that

0:25:02.960,0:25:05.919
you

0:25:03.520,0:25:07.919
although you may not solve the problem

0:25:05.919,0:25:11.440
talking about it with you guys

0:25:07.919,0:25:14.559
still um retains some helpfulness and

0:25:11.440,0:25:16.799
um can also help resolve the problem so

0:25:14.559,0:25:18.880
yeah i definitely feel comfortable

0:25:16.799,0:25:21.039
coming to you guys if i have a problem

0:25:18.880,0:25:22.480
good yeah it’s not always about solving

0:25:21.039,0:25:25.200
the problem sometimes it’s about

0:25:22.480,0:25:26.880
nudging you in the right direction or

0:25:25.200,0:25:29.039
asking questions

0:25:26.880,0:25:30.720
about the problem that you might not ask

0:25:29.039,0:25:33.440
yourself

0:25:30.720,0:25:35.760
that help you find that solution so

0:25:33.440,0:25:38.480
there’s different approaches to it

0:25:35.760,0:25:40.400
one of the other benefits is that your

0:25:38.480,0:25:42.640
teenager demonstrates positive

0:25:40.400,0:25:44.320
trustworthy behaviors in other aspects

0:25:42.640,0:25:45.039
of their life so if we set that good

0:25:44.320,0:25:48.080
example

0:25:45.039,0:25:51.520
here then that example follows

0:25:48.080,0:25:52.799
through to other parts of your life

0:25:51.520,0:25:55.360
setting you up in a positive

0:25:52.799,0:25:58.480
relationship in adulthood so it’s

0:25:55.360,0:25:58.480
got long lasting

0:25:58.559,0:26:02.400
implications once you understand what

0:26:00.720,0:26:05.600
that trusting relationship

0:26:02.400,0:26:06.320
is all about building a relationship

0:26:05.600,0:26:08.960
with

0:26:06.320,0:26:10.000
your teenager that goes beyond the

0:26:08.960,0:26:13.840
parent-child

0:26:10.000,0:26:16.000
disciplinary relationship

0:26:13.840,0:26:17.679
and strengthening the bond for years to

0:26:16.000,0:26:19.279
come as well as another benefit

0:26:17.679,0:26:22.000
so it’s not just about us telling you

0:26:19.279,0:26:24.400
what to do and making sure you do it

0:26:22.000,0:26:25.440
again it’s a two-way street and it helps

0:26:24.400,0:26:29.679
us to go

0:26:25.440,0:26:32.880
from that parent-child relationship

0:26:29.679,0:26:36.240
to that parent-adult relationship

0:26:32.880,0:26:39.520
later on and and this teenage time

0:26:36.240,0:26:40.400
period where that transition takes place

0:26:39.520,0:26:44.080
can be kind of

0:26:40.400,0:26:47.120
awkward if you don’t have that trust

0:26:44.080,0:26:50.080
i’ve i’d like to think i’ve

0:26:47.120,0:26:51.760
transitioned to that parent adult phase

0:26:50.080,0:26:52.000
with sam at this point in time where he

0:26:51.760,0:26:55.919
and

0:26:52.000,0:26:57.120
i you know we don’t we don’t talk to

0:26:55.919,0:26:59.919
each other like

0:26:57.120,0:27:01.039
parent child we talk to each other like

0:26:59.919,0:27:04.720
we’re

0:27:01.039,0:27:06.640
mutual adults and

0:27:04.720,0:27:08.799
i think to a certain extent you and i

0:27:06.640,0:27:12.000
are there as well because

0:27:08.799,0:27:15.200
you know we don’t

0:27:12.000,0:27:18.559
it’s not a always a mentor

0:27:15.200,0:27:21.919
type thing in our discussions you know i

0:27:18.559,0:27:24.799
ask your opinion i listen to your input

0:27:21.919,0:27:26.320
and i treat you like you know a young

0:27:24.799,0:27:28.640
adult at this point in time because

0:27:26.320,0:27:31.279
that’s exactly how you act

0:27:28.640,0:27:32.799
and that type of more advanced

0:27:31.279,0:27:34.960
relationship is a product

0:27:32.799,0:27:36.320
of the trust that we have with each

0:27:34.960,0:27:37.760
other

0:27:36.320,0:27:39.360
and if we didn’t have that trust we

0:27:37.760,0:27:39.760
couldn’t have that kind of relationship

0:27:39.360,0:27:41.600
we’d

0:27:39.760,0:27:44.799
it would still be a disciplinary type

0:27:41.600,0:27:44.799
relationship the whole time

0:27:46.080,0:27:53.360
any questions on the the these

0:27:50.000,0:27:54.240
teen and parent trust dynamic that we

0:27:53.360,0:27:57.440
just talked about

0:27:54.240,0:27:59.760
yeah i think we pretty much got it um

0:27:57.440,0:28:00.720
we hit it right on the nail hit it right

0:27:59.760,0:28:03.120
on the nail

0:28:00.720,0:28:04.880
i don’t know what the saying is i don’t

0:28:03.120,0:28:06.559
remember exactly what to say you hit the

0:28:04.880,0:28:09.440
nail right on the head

0:28:06.559,0:28:11.120
ah that would be the same that’s what i

0:28:09.440,0:28:11.919
meant to say then that’s what i meant to

0:28:11.120,0:28:14.000
say i i

0:28:11.919,0:28:15.520
understand what you meant let’s take a

0:28:14.000,0:28:18.720
quick break and then we’re going to come

0:28:15.520,0:28:30.399
back and we’re going to talk about

0:28:18.720,0:28:32.799
trust relationships in general

0:28:30.399,0:28:34.480
insights into entertainment a podcast

0:28:32.799,0:28:36.810
series taking a deeper look

0:28:34.480,0:28:38.320
into entertainment and media

0:28:36.810,0:28:40.559
[Music]

0:28:38.320,0:28:42.240
our husband and wife team of pop culture

0:28:40.559,0:28:44.640
fanatics are exploring

0:28:42.240,0:28:46.330
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0:28:44.640,0:28:48.320
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[Music]

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we’ll look at the interesting and

0:28:49.840,0:28:54.240
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0:28:57.679,0:29:02.320
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0:28:59.600,0:29:04.640
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0:29:02.320,0:29:06.430
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0:29:12.320,0:29:16.640
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0:29:15.840,0:29:20.480
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0:29:16.640,0:29:23.200
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0:29:20.480,0:29:27.120
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0:29:23.200,0:29:32.080
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0:29:27.120,0:29:35.120
[Music]

0:29:32.080,0:29:37.919
welcome back we are talking teens and

0:29:35.120,0:29:37.919
trust today

0:29:38.080,0:29:42.559
one of the things that parents need to

0:29:39.760,0:29:45.200
do in order to

0:29:42.559,0:29:47.840
meet the needs of their teens is they

0:29:45.200,0:29:51.279
need access to

0:29:47.840,0:29:53.679
information about their teens

0:29:51.279,0:29:55.360
to provide them and guide them provide

0:29:53.679,0:29:57.919
for them and guide them

0:29:55.360,0:29:59.360
on their journey through adulthood now

0:29:57.919,0:30:02.559
some parents

0:29:59.360,0:30:04.799
opt for an evasive and exposed approach

0:30:02.559,0:30:06.720
by snooping on their teens

0:30:04.799,0:30:09.840
looking at your diaries checking your

0:30:06.720,0:30:09.840
online activities

0:30:10.080,0:30:14.080
and you know a lack of a better for lack

0:30:12.720,0:30:17.279
of a better term it’s more

0:30:14.080,0:30:18.320
spying these are tactics that are

0:30:17.279,0:30:20.559
required

0:30:18.320,0:30:22.559
when there’s a lack of trust between

0:30:20.559,0:30:25.279
teens and parents

0:30:22.559,0:30:28.559
so you and i didn’t trust each other i’d

0:30:25.279,0:30:31.520
have to snoop on you to make sure

0:30:28.559,0:30:32.159
that you’re not doing anything wrong

0:30:31.520,0:30:35.760
whereas

0:30:32.159,0:30:38.000
if we have that trust relationship

0:30:35.760,0:30:39.120
less concerned about you doing something

0:30:38.000,0:30:42.159
wrong

0:30:39.120,0:30:46.480
but even outside of that

0:30:42.159,0:30:47.600
the methods by which i keep tabs on you

0:30:46.480,0:30:50.640
as a parent because

0:30:47.600,0:30:51.360
really parents do act in a supervisory

0:30:50.640,0:30:52.640
form

0:30:51.360,0:30:54.559
to make sure that we’re guiding you

0:30:52.640,0:30:58.000
correctly

0:30:54.559,0:31:00.080
it’s much more passive you know i’m not

0:30:58.000,0:31:02.000
logging into your social media accounts

0:31:00.080,0:31:04.799
i’m not looking at your email i’m not

0:31:02.000,0:31:08.159
grabbing your phone and checking your

0:31:04.799,0:31:08.159
text messages randomly

0:31:08.399,0:31:11.919
it’s a trust thing and as long as that

0:31:11.039,0:31:14.799
trust exists

0:31:11.919,0:31:16.840
we can maintain that level of privacy

0:31:14.799,0:31:19.519
that you

0:31:16.840,0:31:22.159
deserve if that trust is violated

0:31:19.519,0:31:23.519
then you probably don’t deserve that

0:31:22.159,0:31:26.159
level of privacy if

0:31:23.519,0:31:27.519
you can’t be trusted i think is kind of

0:31:26.159,0:31:30.640
what we’re getting at here

0:31:27.519,0:31:32.480
okay so the option to

0:31:30.640,0:31:34.880
snooping on you is to build a

0:31:32.480,0:31:37.519
relationship of trust with you

0:31:34.880,0:31:38.240
and uh the information that we need at

0:31:37.519,0:31:41.279
that point

0:31:38.240,0:31:42.399
we can exchange freely you know i can

0:31:41.279,0:31:44.320
ask you

0:31:42.399,0:31:46.240
if you were on the phone with someone or

0:31:44.320,0:31:47.840
face timing with someone

0:31:46.240,0:31:50.000
i can ask you maddie who were you

0:31:47.840,0:31:53.760
talking to and

0:31:50.000,0:31:53.760
i can trust you to tell me the truth

0:31:53.840,0:31:57.600
when we when we’re not hiding things

0:31:55.600,0:31:59.120
it’s a lot easier to maintain that level

0:31:57.600,0:32:02.640
of trust

0:31:59.120,0:32:05.279
there’s a couple of other things that

0:32:02.640,0:32:06.399
is suggested so these suggestions come

0:32:05.279,0:32:09.519
from a website called

0:32:06.399,0:32:11.039
all pro dad which i thought was kind of

0:32:09.519,0:32:14.880
interesting

0:32:11.039,0:32:16.720
so they say model the expected behavior

0:32:14.880,0:32:18.559
parents should conduct themselves in the

0:32:16.720,0:32:20.720
way that they would expect their teens

0:32:18.559,0:32:22.559
to conduct themselves

0:32:20.720,0:32:25.200
set the example through your actions as

0:32:22.559,0:32:27.200
a parent be open and honest

0:32:25.200,0:32:29.039
avoid activities you don’t want your

0:32:27.200,0:32:31.519
teen engaging in

0:32:29.039,0:32:32.799
communicate frequently and have an open

0:32:31.519,0:32:34.559
mind

0:32:32.799,0:32:35.919
and i think this is a parenting

0:32:34.559,0:32:38.799
philosophy

0:32:35.919,0:32:40.080
that mommy and daddy have tried to

0:32:38.799,0:32:42.240
adhere to

0:32:40.080,0:32:44.720
since day one and that is to set a good

0:32:42.240,0:32:46.960
example

0:32:44.720,0:32:49.039
let me ask you have we been successful

0:32:46.960,0:32:51.440
in setting a good example for you

0:32:49.039,0:32:52.880
i mean yeah so let’s look at the list

0:32:51.440,0:32:54.720
here so

0:32:52.880,0:32:56.399
condense yourself in the way that you

0:32:54.720,0:32:57.279
should expect your teen to conduct

0:32:56.399,0:32:59.360
themselves

0:32:57.279,0:33:00.320
i mean yeah i think about the problem

0:32:59.360,0:33:03.279
solving

0:33:00.320,0:33:04.240
you identify the problem and you take

0:33:03.279,0:33:07.279
those steps

0:33:04.240,0:33:08.159
to um make sure that the problem is

0:33:07.279,0:33:10.799
solved

0:33:08.159,0:33:12.880
and you’ve instilled that on me so that

0:33:10.799,0:33:15.679
whenever i come into

0:33:12.880,0:33:16.559
so that whenever i have a problem i know

0:33:15.679,0:33:19.919
to

0:33:16.559,0:33:22.480
identify the problem not um holding the

0:33:19.919,0:33:25.600
emotions if i am frustrated

0:33:22.480,0:33:29.679
and then take the steps needed to see

0:33:25.600,0:33:33.200
to be to fix the problem

0:33:29.679,0:33:35.600
so definitely have that one um

0:33:33.200,0:33:38.960
set an example through actions

0:33:35.600,0:33:41.840
definitely you guys um definitely

0:33:38.960,0:33:43.039
you guys are definitely um very

0:33:41.840,0:33:46.640
inspiring when

0:33:43.039,0:33:48.880
you um have your actions because

0:33:46.640,0:33:51.519
other than you know you you know

0:33:48.880,0:33:55.120
screaming at technology

0:33:51.519,0:33:58.080
most of the time you um have

0:33:55.120,0:33:59.120
you definitely show um good behavior

0:33:58.080,0:34:02.320
through your actions

0:33:59.120,0:34:04.559
like you guys are polite to people

0:34:02.320,0:34:05.679
and that i should be polite to people as

0:34:04.559,0:34:08.879
well so

0:34:05.679,0:34:10.560
right that kind of thing um be open and

0:34:08.879,0:34:13.839
honest i definitely think

0:34:10.560,0:34:15.520
um whenever i need to know something you

0:34:13.839,0:34:17.679
guys are honest with me

0:34:15.520,0:34:19.119
and i can trust you guys to tell me the

0:34:17.679,0:34:21.280
truth

0:34:19.119,0:34:23.200
um avoid activities that your teen that

0:34:21.280,0:34:26.720
you don’t want me to engage through

0:34:23.200,0:34:31.040
yeah like you guys don’t really want me

0:34:26.720,0:34:33.440
to let’s say have alcohol

0:34:31.040,0:34:35.520
for the most part you guys don’t you

0:34:33.440,0:34:39.359
guys don’t drink you don’t drink

0:34:35.520,0:34:41.919
mommy on occasions does drink but

0:34:39.359,0:34:43.200
most of the time she doesn’t and she

0:34:41.919,0:34:46.000
definitely doesn’t get drunk

0:34:43.200,0:34:47.200
so right she does not drink to excess

0:34:46.000,0:34:49.839
yes

0:34:47.200,0:34:52.000
so um yeah i definitely say that you

0:34:49.839,0:34:54.000
guys are good with that

0:34:52.000,0:34:56.000
communicate frequently and have an open

0:34:54.000,0:34:59.280
mind we communicate a lot

0:34:56.000,0:35:00.480
we do um we do it at dinner we do the

0:34:59.280,0:35:02.240
podcast

0:35:00.480,0:35:03.920
and we just do it when we want to have

0:35:02.240,0:35:05.359
fun um

0:35:03.920,0:35:07.040
so yeah i definitely think we have all

0:35:05.359,0:35:08.800
those down okay

0:35:07.040,0:35:11.280
so the next thing that they talk about

0:35:08.800,0:35:13.119
is find common interests

0:35:11.280,0:35:15.359
find topics that you both have an

0:35:13.119,0:35:17.920
interest or passion for

0:35:15.359,0:35:20.000
even if there are opposing viewpoints

0:35:17.920,0:35:22.480
discuss these topics and understand

0:35:20.000,0:35:24.240
each other’s perspective learn to see

0:35:22.480,0:35:25.040
things from the other person’s point of

0:35:24.240,0:35:27.839
view

0:35:25.040,0:35:29.760
and understand their reasoning learn to

0:35:27.839,0:35:32.400
understand the perspective

0:35:29.760,0:35:33.839
of an opposing party now this is

0:35:32.400,0:35:38.079
something that

0:35:33.839,0:35:41.119
i didn’t used to do in my youth

0:35:38.079,0:35:44.000
i was very pig-headed

0:35:41.119,0:35:46.800
i was very obstinate i would develop my

0:35:44.000,0:35:49.920
own point of view my own opinions

0:35:46.800,0:35:52.320
and then i would vigorously argue those

0:35:49.920,0:35:53.599
without ever stopping to try to look at

0:35:52.320,0:35:56.880
the

0:35:53.599,0:36:00.560
perspective of other people and

0:35:56.880,0:36:03.280
in my advanced years

0:36:00.560,0:36:03.280
i suppose

0:36:04.160,0:36:09.440
knowledge and experience has dictated

0:36:07.119,0:36:12.320
that i’d be more open-minded

0:36:09.440,0:36:14.720
that i put myself in other people’s

0:36:12.320,0:36:14.720
shoes

0:36:15.520,0:36:22.240
and again even if you don’t have

0:36:18.560,0:36:25.599
even if you have opposing points of view

0:36:22.240,0:36:26.240
the ability to sit down and discuss

0:36:25.599,0:36:29.920
these

0:36:26.240,0:36:31.359
in a calm rational manner allows you to

0:36:29.920,0:36:32.560
see things from somebody else’s point of

0:36:31.359,0:36:33.920
view even though you might not agree

0:36:32.560,0:36:35.680
with it

0:36:33.920,0:36:38.720
but it helps you to understand how they

0:36:35.680,0:36:41.839
reach their reasoning

0:36:38.720,0:36:43.599
is this something that mommy and daddy

0:36:41.839,0:36:46.079
are successful at with you

0:36:43.599,0:36:48.079
i mean yeah honestly right now i’m just

0:36:46.079,0:36:50.000
thinking about when we have to decide

0:36:48.079,0:36:50.960
where to go for dinner or what to do for

0:36:50.000,0:36:52.880
dinner

0:36:50.960,0:36:55.200
um we all have different ideas of what

0:36:52.880,0:36:58.400
we want to eat

0:36:55.200,0:37:00.720
and we all listen to each other’s um

0:36:58.400,0:37:01.760
suggestions and then we come up with a

0:37:00.720,0:37:04.800
plan

0:37:01.760,0:37:06.800
like sometimes when you guys are eating

0:37:04.800,0:37:08.480
when mommy cooks something that i’m not

0:37:06.800,0:37:12.480
entirely interested in

0:37:08.480,0:37:15.440
we have um like frozen pizzas in our

0:37:12.480,0:37:17.280
um freezer that we that she would just

0:37:15.440,0:37:18.240
microwave for a few minutes and give me

0:37:17.280,0:37:21.680
instead of

0:37:18.240,0:37:23.599
me eating uh whatever for

0:37:21.680,0:37:25.200
the food that she was making that i

0:37:23.599,0:37:28.480
didn’t really favor

0:37:25.200,0:37:31.440
so we definitely can make compromises

0:37:28.480,0:37:32.320
that’s good good i’m glad we’re teaching

0:37:31.440,0:37:36.000
you some of

0:37:32.320,0:37:37.359
these techniques

0:37:36.000,0:37:39.520
next thing i talk about is think and

0:37:37.359,0:37:41.680
plan for the future

0:37:39.520,0:37:43.680
there are multiple stages of development

0:37:41.680,0:37:45.359
teens go through

0:37:43.680,0:37:47.280
having a plan for each stage and

0:37:45.359,0:37:49.040
preparing your team for the changes they

0:37:47.280,0:37:52.160
can expect is important

0:37:49.040,0:37:52.160
to encourage your team

0:37:52.720,0:37:58.480
to form their own opinions on topics

0:37:55.760,0:37:59.839
do their own research and not just adopt

0:37:58.480,0:38:03.280
what they hear at home

0:37:59.839,0:38:04.880
or from their friends invest the time to

0:38:03.280,0:38:08.160
help your team

0:38:04.880,0:38:10.720
plan for their future so they understand

0:38:08.160,0:38:12.240
that you’re invested in their success

0:38:10.720,0:38:13.680
and development

0:38:12.240,0:38:14.580
this is one of those things that i

0:38:13.680,0:38:16.160
always try to

0:38:14.580,0:38:19.119
[Music]

0:38:16.160,0:38:20.400
instilling you and and even sam to a

0:38:19.119,0:38:24.880
certain extent

0:38:20.400,0:38:28.240
and that is i have my own opinions

0:38:24.880,0:38:30.800
and i form my opinions generally through

0:38:28.240,0:38:33.359
multiple sources i don’t just read

0:38:30.800,0:38:35.520
one new source and let that dictate the

0:38:33.359,0:38:38.560
direction that i think

0:38:35.520,0:38:40.800
i prefer to look at multiple sources and

0:38:38.560,0:38:42.160
i prefer to look at opposing sources

0:38:40.800,0:38:44.400
and then you sort of it’s like a

0:38:42.160,0:38:47.920
mathematical equation

0:38:44.400,0:38:49.040
so you add up all the facts that you

0:38:47.920,0:38:51.680
have

0:38:49.040,0:38:53.920
and then you distill those down into

0:38:51.680,0:38:55.920
what the real facts are

0:38:53.920,0:38:58.079
and then that’s how i develop my opinion

0:38:55.920,0:39:00.079
and i try to encourage both you and sam

0:38:58.079,0:39:02.480
to do the same thing

0:39:00.079,0:39:04.240
am i successful in this and do you feel

0:39:02.480,0:39:06.400
as though

0:39:04.240,0:39:08.000
mommy and daddy are invested in your

0:39:06.400,0:39:11.200
future success

0:39:08.000,0:39:14.320
yeah um i definitely say that

0:39:11.200,0:39:15.599
you always you would um want me to try

0:39:14.320,0:39:18.400
something new

0:39:15.599,0:39:20.000
um if i was doing the same thing over

0:39:18.400,0:39:21.839
and over again

0:39:20.000,0:39:23.839
and for most the time i do have

0:39:21.839,0:39:26.160
different um

0:39:23.839,0:39:27.520
i have different hobbies than you guys i

0:39:26.160,0:39:30.800
have different opinions

0:39:27.520,0:39:33.040
than you guys do um

0:39:30.800,0:39:34.400
honestly although i have a lot of in

0:39:33.040,0:39:36.480
common with you guys

0:39:34.400,0:39:38.720
i also have a lot that’s different and i

0:39:36.480,0:39:41.280
definitely think that you guys

0:39:38.720,0:39:42.000
um want me to be successful in the

0:39:41.280,0:39:44.640
future

0:39:42.000,0:39:45.760
and are open to hearing my different

0:39:44.640,0:39:47.920
ideas

0:39:45.760,0:39:49.680
and allow me to be different than you

0:39:47.920,0:39:52.560
guys yeah and i

0:39:49.680,0:39:53.839
and i agree with that 110 percent um

0:39:52.560,0:39:55.680
[Music]

0:39:53.839,0:39:57.440
there are things that are obviously

0:39:55.680,0:40:00.400
inherited from

0:39:57.440,0:40:03.200
both mommy and i it’s the things that

0:40:00.400,0:40:04.720
are different about you that i think

0:40:03.200,0:40:06.800
are probably the most wonderful like

0:40:04.720,0:40:08.960
it’s nice knowing that you and i have a

0:40:06.800,0:40:11.680
similar personality

0:40:08.960,0:40:13.280
but it’s really cool knowing that you’re

0:40:11.680,0:40:14.880
the only left-handed person that’s ever

0:40:13.280,0:40:17.920
been in my family

0:40:14.880,0:40:20.960
like that makes you so unique and

0:40:17.920,0:40:23.359
special that i think it’s

0:40:20.960,0:40:24.480
it’s almost magical you know like that’s

0:40:23.359,0:40:28.240
uniquely you

0:40:24.480,0:40:30.880
and you can hold all of that and you can

0:40:28.240,0:40:32.640
proudly say that this is you and you’re

0:40:30.880,0:40:35.440
your own person and that’s exactly how

0:40:32.640,0:40:35.440
we want you to be

0:40:36.319,0:40:40.400
spend time with your team do fun things

0:40:39.680,0:40:43.760
together

0:40:40.400,0:40:45.920
that you both enjoy let them understand

0:40:43.760,0:40:48.000
that how important their time is to you

0:40:45.920,0:40:49.119
and how much you enjoy and share time

0:40:48.000,0:40:51.040
together

0:40:49.119,0:40:52.400
let them know how interested you are in

0:40:51.040,0:40:54.560
their hobbies

0:40:52.400,0:40:57.599
and use that time to understand their

0:40:54.560,0:40:59.839
passions interests and points of view

0:40:57.599,0:41:01.280
learn to understand what makes your team

0:40:59.839,0:41:03.440
tick and i think that’s kind of the

0:41:01.280,0:41:04.319
definition of what this podcast really

0:41:03.440,0:41:07.200
has been

0:41:04.319,0:41:08.240
yep enjoy the time you have with your

0:41:07.200,0:41:10.720
teen and ensure

0:41:08.240,0:41:12.480
they enjoy the time with you an

0:41:10.720,0:41:14.800
enjoyable time together

0:41:12.480,0:41:15.760
will ensure they want to spend more time

0:41:14.800,0:41:20.160
with you

0:41:15.760,0:41:23.599
and that it won’t be a chore now this is

0:41:20.160,0:41:25.680
i don’t regret a lot of things in life

0:41:23.599,0:41:27.280
i sort of accept the decisions that i’ve

0:41:25.680,0:41:30.000
made

0:41:27.280,0:41:31.680
and understand that i’ve made mistakes

0:41:30.000,0:41:34.000
and i live with them

0:41:31.680,0:41:35.119
but this sort of touches on one of the

0:41:34.000,0:41:38.240
regrets

0:41:35.119,0:41:40.480
that i have and that is i didn’t

0:41:38.240,0:41:41.920
follow this philosophy as truly as i

0:41:40.480,0:41:45.839
would have liked to

0:41:41.920,0:41:48.960
with sam very early on

0:41:45.839,0:41:49.760
up through his early teen years this was

0:41:48.960,0:41:52.000
the case

0:41:49.760,0:41:53.839
you know we were inseparable we enjoyed

0:41:52.000,0:41:58.160
our time together

0:41:53.839,0:42:00.720
and then i failed to adapt

0:41:58.160,0:42:03.040
when he started to mature and change and

0:42:00.720,0:42:06.160
his needs started to change

0:42:03.040,0:42:09.200
and that failure led to

0:42:06.160,0:42:12.720
of several years

0:42:09.200,0:42:16.480
of a very rough relationship with him

0:42:12.720,0:42:17.599
and that inability for me to adapt to

0:42:16.480,0:42:20.640
that

0:42:17.599,0:42:22.480
is one of my biggest regrets in life uh

0:42:20.640,0:42:25.920
because it cost me a lot of time with

0:42:22.480,0:42:27.599
him that i can’t get back now

0:42:25.920,0:42:30.640
and i missed out on a lot of things in

0:42:27.599,0:42:33.599
his life that

0:42:30.640,0:42:33.599
i wish i hadn’t

0:42:33.680,0:42:38.800
so one of the things that i’m at least

0:42:36.240,0:42:43.119
trying to do is learn from that mistake

0:42:38.800,0:42:43.119
and not repeat the same thing with you

0:42:43.680,0:42:50.400
am i so far successful in that effort

0:42:46.800,0:42:53.359
i mean yeah i’d say so um at one

0:42:50.400,0:42:55.119
i remember one day now i’m gonna give an

0:42:53.359,0:42:55.760
example that we play video games

0:42:55.119,0:42:58.480
together

0:42:55.760,0:42:59.920
so one day i’d come home from school

0:42:58.480,0:43:02.079
when i was in

0:42:59.920,0:43:03.040
i think sixth grade and i had a really

0:43:02.079,0:43:06.079
bad day

0:43:03.040,0:43:07.599
and you decided hey

0:43:06.079,0:43:10.960
why don’t we play video games for an

0:43:07.599,0:43:14.240
hour and we played a video game

0:43:10.960,0:43:16.079
and i really enjoyed it and later on we

0:43:14.240,0:43:19.040
started doing that more and

0:43:16.079,0:43:20.000
more often and i enjoyed the time with

0:43:19.040,0:43:23.680
you

0:43:20.000,0:43:27.599
and once we had gotten um one of our new

0:43:23.680,0:43:31.200
one of the older new game systems um

0:43:27.599,0:43:32.240
the genesis right um the newer old game

0:43:31.200,0:43:36.560
system yeah

0:43:32.240,0:43:38.319
yes um we we were playing the two player

0:43:36.560,0:43:39.440
games and i’d really liked a lot of the

0:43:38.319,0:43:43.119
games

0:43:39.440,0:43:45.119
and i wanted to um

0:43:43.119,0:43:46.480
play them with you because i enjoyed

0:43:45.119,0:43:49.119
like the

0:43:46.480,0:43:49.920
just the funny times and it was just a

0:43:49.119,0:43:52.319
fun time

0:43:49.920,0:43:52.960
and even before the podcast started i

0:43:52.319,0:43:54.720
asked

0:43:52.960,0:43:56.079
hey after this do you want to go play

0:43:54.720,0:43:58.000
video games

0:43:56.079,0:43:59.200
and although you might not always have

0:43:58.000,0:44:02.319
time

0:43:59.200,0:44:05.440
i do enjoy spending time with you and

0:44:02.319,0:44:07.280
i enjoy doing the podcasts because then

0:44:05.440,0:44:09.760
we really get to know each other

0:44:07.280,0:44:10.720
how everything has been going it’s sort

0:44:09.760,0:44:12.800
of like

0:44:10.720,0:44:14.560
we don’t know so we don’t normally talk

0:44:12.800,0:44:17.200
a lot during the week because

0:44:14.560,0:44:18.720
you have work i have school and we have

0:44:17.200,0:44:21.760
our own things that we do

0:44:18.720,0:44:25.280
and i definitely think the podcast um

0:44:21.760,0:44:26.960
allows us to have those um

0:44:25.280,0:44:28.400
interactions that we could have had

0:44:26.960,0:44:32.079
during the week

0:44:28.400,0:44:34.400
um and it’s definitely a good way to

0:44:32.079,0:44:35.200
um engage with you a bit more than we

0:44:34.400,0:44:37.599
normally do

0:44:35.200,0:44:39.599
so i definitely enjoy spending time with

0:44:37.599,0:44:40.640
you and the same thing goes with mommy

0:44:39.599,0:44:44.400
like

0:44:40.640,0:44:45.920
um when it was summer vacation and she

0:44:44.400,0:44:48.400
had a week off

0:44:45.920,0:44:50.000
um we we don’t normally go out because

0:44:48.400,0:44:53.119
she normally had work during the

0:44:50.000,0:44:54.240
summer but during that vacation time we

0:44:53.119,0:44:57.599
ended up going out

0:44:54.240,0:45:00.720
every single day and um

0:44:57.599,0:45:03.599
we enjoyed spending time with each other

0:45:00.720,0:45:04.800
um and i enjoyed doing um everything

0:45:03.599,0:45:07.599
with her

0:45:04.800,0:45:09.040
so that we could so yeah i definitely

0:45:07.599,0:45:12.079
say i enjoy time

0:45:09.040,0:45:13.680
i enjoy spending time with you guys and

0:45:12.079,0:45:15.440
another thing with mommy was that you

0:45:13.680,0:45:18.560
know we watch our movies or

0:45:15.440,0:45:22.319
big brother um every well

0:45:18.560,0:45:22.720
week nights so yeah i definitely say

0:45:22.319,0:45:25.200
that

0:45:22.720,0:45:27.680
i enjoy spending time with both of you

0:45:25.200,0:45:29.680
nice well that’s good to hear

0:45:27.680,0:45:31.280
the last thing they talk about here is

0:45:29.680,0:45:33.520
one that i kind of touched on already

0:45:31.280,0:45:35.440
that is learn from your mistakes

0:45:33.520,0:45:37.920
it’s okay to make mistakes we all do as

0:45:35.440,0:45:40.240
long as we learn from them

0:45:37.920,0:45:42.079
it’s less costly to learn from someone

0:45:40.240,0:45:44.400
else’s mistakes than your own

0:45:42.079,0:45:45.760
so if you can learn by observation

0:45:44.400,0:45:47.599
that’s good

0:45:45.760,0:45:49.359
don’t be afraid to reveal mistakes

0:45:47.599,0:45:51.200
you’ve made in the past

0:45:49.359,0:45:53.280
those revelations go a long way to

0:45:51.200,0:45:55.520
building trust and making your team

0:45:53.280,0:45:57.520
realize you aren’t perfect

0:45:55.520,0:46:00.000
and have gone through many of the same

0:45:57.520,0:46:02.240
things they’re going through

0:46:00.000,0:46:03.280
there’s light at the end of the tunnel

0:46:02.240,0:46:06.079
you’re proof of that

0:46:03.280,0:46:08.079
as a parent so that’s a message out

0:46:06.079,0:46:10.319
there to the parents that

0:46:08.079,0:46:12.480
you know we all make mistakes we don’t

0:46:10.319,0:46:14.079
don’t ever try to portray yourself as

0:46:12.480,0:46:16.720
being perfect to your

0:46:14.079,0:46:19.920
your kids because you’ll never be able

0:46:16.720,0:46:22.240
to live up to that expectation

0:46:19.920,0:46:25.280
be honest with your mistakes let your

0:46:22.240,0:46:27.520
kids learn from your mistakes

0:46:25.280,0:46:29.119
and let those mistakes be a foundation

0:46:27.520,0:46:30.960
for building trust

0:46:29.119,0:46:32.160
you know what have i always told you

0:46:30.960,0:46:34.160
about mistakes

0:46:32.160,0:46:36.319
you always said that it’s okay to make

0:46:34.160,0:46:39.280
them as long as you learn from them

0:46:36.319,0:46:42.319
exactly we learn more from our mistakes

0:46:39.280,0:46:46.640
than we ever learn from our successes

0:46:42.319,0:46:50.720
so i’m and believe me i have many

0:46:46.640,0:46:53.280
flaws and i make many mistakes in life

0:46:50.720,0:46:54.000
some of them you might not want to own

0:46:53.280,0:46:56.079
up to

0:46:54.000,0:46:57.520
because they can be embarrassing or

0:46:56.079,0:46:58.800
painful

0:46:57.520,0:47:00.319
but there’s always a lesson to be

0:46:58.800,0:47:01.119
learned from them and as long as we’re

0:47:00.319,0:47:02.480
learning

0:47:01.119,0:47:04.960
we’re moving forward in the right

0:47:02.480,0:47:08.560
direction

0:47:04.960,0:47:10.800
um i do want to say something so

0:47:08.560,0:47:11.920
this kind of reminds me of character

0:47:10.800,0:47:14.960
designs

0:47:11.920,0:47:17.920
um like everyone has flaws

0:47:14.960,0:47:20.000
um likes and dislikes and there’s

0:47:17.920,0:47:23.280
actually been a certain

0:47:20.000,0:47:25.280
um stereotype that a lot of characters

0:47:23.280,0:47:27.359
like a lot of peop a lot of like

0:47:25.280,0:47:29.440
beginning characters turn out like

0:47:27.359,0:47:31.599
you want your created character to be

0:47:29.440,0:47:34.160
perfect absolutely no flaws

0:47:31.599,0:47:35.520
everyone loves them and there’s nothing

0:47:34.160,0:47:39.280
wrong with them

0:47:35.520,0:47:41.040
well the problem with them is that there

0:47:39.280,0:47:44.079
is no problem with them

0:47:41.040,0:47:45.040
like they have no flaws they’re shown to

0:47:44.079,0:47:47.520
be perfect

0:47:45.040,0:47:48.240
and honestly the perfect or normal

0:47:47.520,0:47:51.280
people

0:47:48.240,0:47:54.079
are kind of boring like they

0:47:51.280,0:47:56.160
really don’t have much of a personality

0:47:54.079,0:47:58.240
without any flaws

0:47:56.160,0:48:00.720
they might have good personality traits

0:47:58.240,0:48:01.280
but no personality traits that counter

0:48:00.720,0:48:02.960
them

0:48:01.280,0:48:04.400
and i definitely think characters that

0:48:02.960,0:48:07.920
have

0:48:04.400,0:48:11.119
character traits like that counter

0:48:07.920,0:48:13.040
um like make like character

0:48:11.119,0:48:15.680
traits don’t have to be entirely

0:48:13.040,0:48:18.160
negative or entirely positive

0:48:15.680,0:48:20.079
characters can have a mix of both and it

0:48:18.160,0:48:21.680
can still make for an interesting and

0:48:20.079,0:48:24.240
entertaining character

0:48:21.680,0:48:25.680
that can be relatable to people and

0:48:24.240,0:48:26.960
honestly if you make the perfect

0:48:25.680,0:48:29.280
character

0:48:26.960,0:48:31.119
no one’s going to relate to them because

0:48:29.280,0:48:33.520
i mean people might want to live up to

0:48:31.119,0:48:34.160
their expectations but no one’s gonna be

0:48:33.520,0:48:36.160
perfect

0:48:34.160,0:48:37.440
there’s no such thing as someone being

0:48:36.160,0:48:39.920
perfect

0:48:37.440,0:48:41.280
so the perfect hair character is not

0:48:39.920,0:48:44.079
relatable

0:48:41.280,0:48:46.079
but an imperfect character which is

0:48:44.079,0:48:50.000
pretty much every other character

0:48:46.079,0:48:52.640
um is a good and relatable character so

0:48:50.000,0:48:54.079
very good point and a good transition

0:48:52.640,0:49:02.160
point to come back and talk about

0:48:54.079,0:49:05.040
mistakes and pitfalls to look out for

0:49:02.160,0:49:06.880
so this section actually is uh inspired

0:49:05.040,0:49:10.720
by a huffington post

0:49:06.880,0:49:12.079
article uh talking about things to avoid

0:49:10.720,0:49:14.160
you know some of the more common

0:49:12.079,0:49:17.280
mistakes that parents can make

0:49:14.160,0:49:21.760
that compromise the trust you’ve built

0:49:17.280,0:49:24.160
and make regaining the trust difficult

0:49:21.760,0:49:25.680
so one of the number one things is one

0:49:24.160,0:49:26.960
we’ve talked about already and that’s

0:49:25.680,0:49:30.480
avoid

0:49:26.960,0:49:33.200
unrealistic expectations don’t set the

0:49:30.480,0:49:35.359
bar so high that it’s unattainable

0:49:33.200,0:49:37.599
it’s fine to have expectations for your

0:49:35.359,0:49:39.599
team but ensure they’re realistic

0:49:37.599,0:49:42.839
don’t expect your team to be perfect

0:49:39.599,0:49:44.160
they won’t be no one is like you just

0:49:42.839,0:49:46.079
said

0:49:44.160,0:49:47.760
be understanding and compassionate that

0:49:46.079,0:49:50.880
they’ll make mistakes

0:49:47.760,0:49:52.720
discuss the expectations and respect the

0:49:50.880,0:49:56.240
concerns your teens might have

0:49:52.720,0:49:58.559
about the expectations you hold for them

0:49:56.240,0:50:01.119
i in fact i think at this point in time

0:49:58.559,0:50:03.599
at least from a scholastic standpoint

0:50:01.119,0:50:04.160
i think your expectations significantly

0:50:03.599,0:50:07.839
exceed

0:50:04.160,0:50:11.359
hours for your scholastic requirements

0:50:07.839,0:50:14.400
yep so i don’t have any concerns there

0:50:11.359,0:50:15.520
but do you feel that we put unrealistic

0:50:14.400,0:50:18.000
expectations

0:50:15.520,0:50:18.559
on your performance or behavior or

0:50:18.000,0:50:21.920
anything

0:50:18.559,0:50:26.000
no definitely not like i

0:50:21.920,0:50:29.520
um myself put unrealistic expectations

0:50:26.000,0:50:31.599
on my um plate so

0:50:29.520,0:50:33.839
and then when you guys see those

0:50:31.599,0:50:37.839
unrealistic expectations

0:50:33.839,0:50:39.680
basically it’s like a mountain and um

0:50:37.839,0:50:41.920
and you want and you’re at the very

0:50:39.680,0:50:43.200
bottom and you want to get to the taller

0:50:41.920,0:50:45.280
point

0:50:43.200,0:50:46.559
um and you already know it’s going to be

0:50:45.280,0:50:49.520
a rough journey

0:50:46.559,0:50:51.119
um and you guys would normally just

0:50:49.520,0:50:54.240
plant small little goals

0:50:51.119,0:50:57.200
to um in order to get me

0:50:54.240,0:50:59.520
to at least a somewhat high spot on the

0:50:57.200,0:51:00.480
mountain and before i have to climb back

0:50:59.520,0:51:02.720
down

0:51:00.480,0:51:04.800
and basically those small little goals

0:51:02.720,0:51:08.800
are like little celebrations

0:51:04.800,0:51:10.720
um so that i don’t overwork myself in

0:51:08.800,0:51:12.720
order to feel as though i have to reach

0:51:10.720,0:51:14.800
that goal or else i’m not gonna

0:51:12.720,0:51:15.839
or else i won’t feel like i’ve completed

0:51:14.800,0:51:17.920
it so

0:51:15.839,0:51:19.520
yeah i definitely say that you guys

0:51:17.920,0:51:21.760
don’t set unrealistic

0:51:19.520,0:51:24.079
expectations for me and you help me

0:51:21.760,0:51:25.119
whenever i sit on realistic expectations

0:51:24.079,0:51:27.680
for myself

0:51:25.119,0:51:29.200
good the next thing they talk about is

0:51:27.680,0:51:31.520
be honest

0:51:29.200,0:51:32.880
always be honest with your teen even if

0:51:31.520,0:51:34.240
there’s something you might not feel

0:51:32.880,0:51:37.280
comfortable talking about

0:51:34.240,0:51:39.440
make them aware of the discomfort or the

0:51:37.280,0:51:42.800
reasons for not wanting to talk about

0:51:39.440,0:51:45.760
that subject don’t avoid the subject

0:51:42.800,0:51:46.960
and above all else don’t lie about the

0:51:45.760,0:51:48.480
subject

0:51:46.960,0:51:50.160
there are times that there are things

0:51:48.480,0:51:52.880
that i

0:51:50.160,0:51:53.440
can’t discuss with you either because

0:51:52.880,0:51:57.359
they’re

0:51:53.440,0:51:59.599
proprietary or personal or

0:51:57.359,0:52:01.280
not age-appropriate and in those cases

0:51:59.599,0:52:02.640
i’ll tell you that i can’t and i’ll tell

0:52:01.280,0:52:05.200
you why

0:52:02.640,0:52:05.839
but in all other cases i try to deal

0:52:05.200,0:52:09.920
with you

0:52:05.839,0:52:15.200
as openly and honestly as i possibly can

0:52:09.920,0:52:15.200
and that is key to building trust

0:52:15.440,0:52:20.640
going along with that is don’t heap

0:52:18.000,0:52:22.079
undeserving praise on a team

0:52:20.640,0:52:23.760
if you come to me with a piece of

0:52:22.079,0:52:26.960
artwork that

0:52:23.760,0:52:29.280
i don’t honestly think looks good i’m

0:52:26.960,0:52:32.480
not going to tell you what looks good

0:52:29.280,0:52:34.319
just to help you know not hurt your

0:52:32.480,0:52:37.839
feelings

0:52:34.319,0:52:40.160
i won’t tear you down but i will offer

0:52:37.839,0:52:42.720
suggestions to

0:52:40.160,0:52:44.640
creatively improve things like you come

0:52:42.720,0:52:46.240
to me about your movie

0:52:44.640,0:52:48.319
you know i see the opening scene of your

0:52:46.240,0:52:50.720
movie and i like it

0:52:48.319,0:52:52.400
but there are ways to improve it and

0:52:50.720,0:52:55.599
i’ll provide you

0:52:52.400,0:52:58.079
qualitative feedback for that

0:52:55.599,0:53:00.720
lying to you and praising in saying it

0:52:58.079,0:53:03.200
looks great it’s the best movie ever had

0:53:00.720,0:53:05.200
that’s a missed opportunity to help you

0:53:03.200,0:53:06.640
improve yourself

0:53:05.200,0:53:08.880
and that’s really what we’re going for

0:53:06.640,0:53:09.760
is is to help you grow yeah constructive

0:53:08.880,0:53:13.200
criticism

0:53:09.760,0:53:14.800
exactly um i want to run we’re running

0:53:13.200,0:53:16.240
short on time here so i do want to run

0:53:14.800,0:53:16.880
through the last couple that i have here

0:53:16.240,0:53:19.920
real quick

0:53:16.880,0:53:22.319
alrighty uh communicate early

0:53:19.920,0:53:24.400
and often communication is the key to

0:53:22.319,0:53:26.240
building any relationship

0:53:24.400,0:53:27.520
when you sense something might be wrong

0:53:26.240,0:53:30.800
or bothering your team

0:53:27.520,0:53:31.119
ask about it don’t be overly insistent

0:53:30.800,0:53:33.520
but

0:53:31.119,0:53:35.440
you know we mommy daddy can kind of

0:53:33.520,0:53:38.160
sense when something’s bothering you

0:53:35.440,0:53:38.480
yep and we don’t like it to just fester

0:53:38.160,0:53:40.480
there

0:53:38.480,0:53:42.800
a lot of times we think talking about it

0:53:40.480,0:53:44.000
helps although you know you poke a stick

0:53:42.800,0:53:48.559
in my cage occasionally

0:53:44.000,0:53:49.839
that’s what i do uh don’t smother them

0:53:48.559,0:53:53.200
and we’re not talking about with a

0:53:49.839,0:53:54.640
pillow we care about our teens and want

0:53:53.200,0:53:56.880
the best for them but

0:53:54.640,0:53:58.240
not at the expense of being overly

0:53:56.880,0:54:01.839
burdensome on them

0:53:58.240,0:54:04.400
you need your space i respect that

0:54:01.839,0:54:04.880
we’re here if you need us sometimes

0:54:04.400,0:54:06.720
we’ll

0:54:04.880,0:54:08.400
pry a little bit if we think something’s

0:54:06.720,0:54:09.119
going on or we feel like you need a

0:54:08.400,0:54:12.000
little bit of

0:54:09.119,0:54:12.960
guidance or assistance but for the most

0:54:12.000,0:54:16.000
part

0:54:12.960,0:54:19.599
it’s up to you if you have

0:54:16.000,0:54:22.480
issues questions concerns it’s incumbent

0:54:19.599,0:54:24.960
upon you to come to mommy and daddy and

0:54:22.480,0:54:26.160
that’s why that trust relationship is so

0:54:24.960,0:54:28.000
important

0:54:26.160,0:54:29.839
because if you didn’t trust this you’d

0:54:28.000,0:54:32.960
never come to us

0:54:29.839,0:54:34.960
and then we’d have to be that helicopter

0:54:32.960,0:54:35.280
parent who’s always hovering over you

0:54:34.960,0:54:37.839
and

0:54:35.280,0:54:39.599
and watching over you and and that’s

0:54:37.839,0:54:40.079
probably not something that you want

0:54:39.599,0:54:42.240
right

0:54:40.079,0:54:43.760
yeah probably not teens need their

0:54:42.240,0:54:45.599
privacy what can i say

0:54:43.760,0:54:48.960
right so as long as that trust

0:54:45.599,0:54:50.799
relationship exists that communication

0:54:48.960,0:54:52.799
that that line of communication will

0:54:50.799,0:54:55.119
still be up there and

0:54:52.799,0:54:56.720
we can count on each other to keep it

0:54:55.119,0:54:58.160
going

0:54:56.720,0:55:00.559
so that was all that i wanted to talk

0:54:58.160,0:55:02.400
about on the pitfalls let’s take a quick

0:55:00.559,0:55:04.240
break we’ll come back

0:55:02.400,0:55:07.839
and we’ll get your closing remarks and

0:55:04.240,0:55:07.839
shout out

0:55:10.400,0:55:14.000
go for your closing remarks alright so

0:55:13.359,0:55:17.119
to

0:55:14.000,0:55:20.079
teens parents and anyone else out there

0:55:17.119,0:55:21.680
who might be experiencing some small

0:55:20.079,0:55:23.760
trust issues

0:55:21.680,0:55:24.960
or if you’re just going to watch the

0:55:23.760,0:55:27.040
podcast

0:55:24.960,0:55:29.119
understand that trust with any

0:55:27.040,0:55:31.200
relationship is important

0:55:29.119,0:55:32.880
even if we only cover the teen and

0:55:31.200,0:55:36.400
parent relationships

0:55:32.880,0:55:38.960
there’s a lot of other um trusts

0:55:36.400,0:55:40.720
that you that other trust for other

0:55:38.960,0:55:43.920
relationships that

0:55:40.720,0:55:46.400
um are just as important as this

0:55:43.920,0:55:47.599
um and if you are going through trust

0:55:46.400,0:55:50.880
issues

0:55:47.599,0:55:54.000
in any relationship um just know

0:55:50.880,0:55:56.960
that there are ways to fix them but but

0:55:54.000,0:56:00.160
it won’t like happen like that

0:55:56.960,0:56:01.920
very good point uh that was all we had

0:56:00.160,0:56:03.920
for today before we go i do want to

0:56:01.920,0:56:05.200
remind folks to subscribe to us on your

0:56:03.920,0:56:07.760
favorite podcast

0:56:05.200,0:56:09.280
app apple podcast spotify google

0:56:07.760,0:56:13.520
stitcher i heart radio

0:56:09.280,0:56:17.359
tune in i use overcast myself

0:56:13.520,0:56:18.880
and we’re available on amazon music now

0:56:17.359,0:56:20.559
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0:56:18.880,0:56:23.200
us your feedback

0:56:20.559,0:56:24.000
at comments at insights into things.com

0:56:23.200,0:56:27.280
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0:56:24.000,0:56:29.119
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0:56:27.280,0:56:30.160
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0:56:38.079,0:56:41.480
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0:56:43.280,0:56:46.400
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0:56:46.400,0:56:53.440
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0:56:49.440,0:56:53.440
get links to all those on our website at

0:56:53.559,0:56:58.000
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0:56:55.520,0:56:59.760
and you and don’t forget to check out

0:56:58.000,0:57:02.319
our other two podcasts

0:56:59.760,0:57:04.480
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0:57:02.319,0:57:06.880
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0:57:04.480,0:57:07.760
our monthly podcast hosted by you and my

0:57:06.880,0:57:10.240
brother sam

0:57:07.760,0:57:10.799
nicely done that’s it another one in the

0:57:10.240,0:57:12.750
books

0:57:10.799,0:57:41.359
bye everyone bye

0:57:12.750,0:57:43.440
[Music]

0:57:41.359,0:57:43.440
you

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