Insights Into Teens: Episode 76 “Relationships”

Scroll down to see more content

In a twist of roles Madison plays host of this weeks show guiding us through some of the finer points of relationships. We talk about what relationships are, the different types of relationships and what a toxic relationships to look out for. We’ll talk about the various types of toxic partners to avoid, what to look for and why you should be careful. We’ll also talk about what you can do if you do ever find yourself in a toxic relationship.

Check out our recently published article on this subject available now on Medium.com.

Audio
Youtube
Twitch
Twitter
Facebook

Subscribe to Audio
Subscribe to Video
Subscribe to Youtube

Show Notes

[Intro]

  • Introductions
    • Insights Into Teens Episode 76 “Relationships”
    • My co-host Joseph Whalen

[TRANSITION]

  • Definition
    • There is no surefire answer for the definition of relationships. There are multiple ways to describe its definition.
    • 1. The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or a state of being connected.
    • 2. The state of being connected by blood or marriage.
    • 3. The way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other.
    • 4. (my definition) Any interaction in which two people react and treat each other.
  • Different Types of relationships.
  • https://www.yourdictionary.com/relationship
    • Examples of relationships include:
      • A husband and his wife
      • A brother and his sister
      • Two businesses working together
      • The father of a daughter
    • This website also offers the many definitions of different types of relationships and what they are called. For example:
      • Amity – the friendship or harmony between individuals or groups
    • There are many different ways to describe different types of relationships, whether it be about family, friends or just someone you work with or bump into.

[AD1: SSE]

  • Toxic relationships
  • https://www.healthscopemag.com/health-scope/toxic-relationships/#:~:text=By%20definition%2C%20a%20toxic%20relationship,physically%20damaging%20to%20their%20partner.&text=A%20toxic%20relationship%20is%20characterized,-centeredness%2C%20dominance%2C%20control.
    • By definition, a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner.
    • While a healthy relationship contributes to our self-esteem and emotional energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains energy. 
    • A toxic relationship is characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, and control. 
    • Types of toxic people
      • Deprecator-Belittler:
        • This type of toxic individual will constantly belittle you. They will make fun of you, implying that anything you say that expresses your ideas, beliefs or wants is silly or stupid. They won’t hesitate to belittle you in public, and will continue their behavior even if you ask them to stop.
        • This toxic partner wants all the decision making power. They will often tell you that you are lucky to have them as a partner and that no one else would want you. Their goal is to keep your self-esteem as low as possible so you don’t challenge their absolute control of the relationship.
      • The “Bad Temper” Partner:
        • People might say that they have given up trying to argue with their partner because their partner gets so angry or loses his/her temper, and then often don’t interact with them in any meaningful way for days. This behavior is often considered as “controlling by intimidation.”
        • Often, these individuals have an unpredictable and “hair-trigger” temper. The constant need for vigilance and inability to know what will trigger an angry outburst wears on both the victim’s emotional and physical health.
        • This type of emotionally abusive partner rarely shows their toxic side to the outside world. They are seen as a pleasant and easy-going person who everyone likes.
      • The  Guilt-Inducer
        • The guilt inducer controls by encouraging you to feel guilty any time you do something  they don’t like. They will sometimes get someone else to convey their sense of “disappointment” or “hurt” to you. 
        • A guilt inducer not only controls by including guilt, but also by temporarily “removing” guilt if you end up doing what they want you to do. For guilt-prone individuals, anything or anyone that removes guilt is very desirable, so the guilt inducer has an extremely powerful means of control at their disposal
      • The Overreactor/Deflector
        • People who have an overreactor as a partner, you’ll find yourself comforting them instead of getting comforted yourself if you aren’t feeling well. They will make you feel bad about yourself for being “so selfish” that you brought up something that “upset” your partner so much. This causes you initial concern, hurt, or irritation to get lost so you can take care of your partner’s feelings.
        • On the other side, they could completely ignore you when you try to talk through your problems with them. They would come back for a few more hours and will somehow find a way to blame everything on you.
      • The Over-Dependent Partner
        • These toxic controllers want you to make virtually every decision for them. You’ll know if you made the “wrong” decision by your partner’s passive aggressive behavior such as pouting or not talking to you because you chose a movie or restaurant they didn’t enjoy. 
        • Passivity can be an extremely powerful means of control. If you’re involved in a relationship with a passive controller, you’ll likely experience constant anxiety and/or fatigue, as you worry about the effect of your decisions on your partner.
      • The Non-Dependable Toxic Controller
        • This individual frequently disguises their toxic controlling behavior as simply asserting their “independence.” They control you by keeping you uncertain about what they are going to do. They’ll tell you they’ll call you or something else, but then they don’t. 
        • These types of people don’t make you feel safe and secure in your relationship with them. It’s not just their behavior, but their emotions that are unpredictable too. You’ll begin to feel like they don’t like you anymore, or don’t want anything to do with you. If you ask them, their answer is vague enough to keep you guessing. 
      • The User
        • Users at the beginning of the relationship often seem to be very nice and pleasant individuals. What makes a relationship with a user toxic is its one way nature and the fact that you’ll end up never having done enough for them. Users are big time energy drainers who will in fact leave you if they find someone else who will do more for them.
        • A really adept user will occasionally do some small thing for you that doesn’t inconvenience them. Know that they will use this to induce guilt into you if you ever balk at doing something for them.
      • The Possessive Toxic Controller
        • Early in your relationship with this toxic individual, you may have appreciated their “jealousy,” particularly if it isn’t too controlling. And most, but not all,possessives will imply that once the two of you are married or in a committed relationship, they’ll be just fine. Don’t believe them.
        • They will become more and more suspicious and controlling as time goes on. They will, in short, make your life miserable. Over time, they will work hard to eliminate any meaningful relationships you have with friends, and sometimes even with family. They only see you as a possession to them.

[AD1:ENTERTAINMENT]

  • How to Stop these relationships
    • You must understand that you cannot change your partner, but you can change yourself which may lead you to behave differently with your partner, resulting in them to change their behavior. One of the things you can do is calmly but firmly confront your partner’s toxic behavior. You must also let them know that their behavior is no longer acceptable and suggest alternative behaviors for them.
    • In order for this to work properly, you need to believe that you deserve to be treated with compassion, courtesy and respect. If you can’t have your partner treat you like that, then you might need to end the relationship.  
    • When you first try to confront your partner, understand that they will actually escalate their controlling behavior. You must be able to handle whatever they do. If you need to repeat your request, then do so. 
    • If they refuse again, think about stepping away from them for 30 days. If after you repeat your request and still refuse, then it’s time to end the relationship. Something important to note; you can attempt to fix a toxic relationship if you’re prepared to leave it.
    • There is, however, one exception. If your partner has physically abused you in any way, don’t try to fix it. No matter how sorry they are, don’t say in that relationship. Your safety comes first. 
    • If you are in any kind of toxic relationship, whether it be with family, friends or your significant other, it’s important to do something about it. It can be talking to the toxic person or seeking outside help from others. Just know you don’t have to be stuck in that relationship forever. There will always be some way out of it. You should take control of the toxic relationship if it is hurting you in any way. It may not be easy, but it is possible.

[TRANSITION]

Transcription

0:00:00.300,0:00:03.200
[Music]

0:00:01.599,0:00:06.240
insightful podcasts

0:00:03.200,0:00:09.759
[Music]

0:00:06.240,0:00:09.759
by informative hosts

0:00:10.650,0:00:19.790
[Music]

0:00:14.960,0:00:25.670
insights into things a podcast network

0:00:19.790,0:00:25.670
[Music]

0:00:26.400,0:00:31.840
welcome to insights into teens a podcast

0:00:29.920,0:00:34.480
series exploring the issues

0:00:31.840,0:00:37.120
and challenges of today’s youth your

0:00:34.480,0:00:39.440
hosts are joseph and madison whalen

0:00:37.120,0:00:41.360
a father and daughter team making their

0:00:39.440,0:00:44.270
way through the challenges of the

0:00:41.360,0:00:47.309
teenage years

0:00:44.270,0:00:47.309
[Applause]

0:00:51.280,0:00:57.760
welcome to insights into teens

0:00:54.399,0:01:00.800
episode 76

0:00:57.760,0:01:04.000
i am your host madison whalen and

0:01:00.800,0:01:05.360
my co-host joseph whalen hey maddie how

0:01:04.000,0:01:08.400
you doing today

0:01:05.360,0:01:09.600
doing pretty good as many of you can

0:01:08.400,0:01:11.520
probably already tell

0:01:09.600,0:01:13.439
this is going to be very different to

0:01:11.520,0:01:16.000
our normal episode since

0:01:13.439,0:01:18.479
i am the one hosting this that we have

0:01:16.000,0:01:19.840
our landscapers accompanying us because

0:01:18.479,0:01:20.560
i thought they were done and they really

0:01:19.840,0:01:24.720
weren’t

0:01:20.560,0:01:26.560
so great oh well

0:01:24.720,0:01:28.880
anyway today we are going to be talking

0:01:26.560,0:01:30.799
about relationships and the different

0:01:28.880,0:01:32.320
kinds of relationships

0:01:30.799,0:01:33.920
now i’m pretty sure many people when

0:01:32.320,0:01:35.360
they hear the word relationships they

0:01:33.920,0:01:37.920
probably mean like

0:01:35.360,0:01:40.720
a partner and partner kind of thing but

0:01:37.920,0:01:42.880
there’s actually way more relationships

0:01:40.720,0:01:44.560
so we’re going to go into the definition

0:01:42.880,0:01:47.119
of relationships

0:01:44.560,0:01:48.880
the different types of relationships and

0:01:47.119,0:01:50.640
also the different types of toxic

0:01:48.880,0:01:54.479
relationships and how to

0:01:50.640,0:01:56.799
possibly get out of them okay so

0:01:54.479,0:01:58.570
shall we get into it let’s get into it

0:01:56.799,0:02:04.320
alrighty

0:01:58.570,0:02:07.439
[Music]

0:02:04.320,0:02:10.160
so when i looked up the definition

0:02:07.439,0:02:11.760
for relationships i didn’t really see

0:02:10.160,0:02:14.560
that there was any

0:02:11.760,0:02:16.720
surefire way to describe it there were

0:02:14.560,0:02:19.920
many different definitions so

0:02:16.720,0:02:20.800
i have a few here that can hopefully

0:02:19.920,0:02:23.280
describe

0:02:20.800,0:02:25.120
a definition of it so the first one i

0:02:23.280,0:02:28.239
found was

0:02:25.120,0:02:30.480
um the way in which two or more concepts

0:02:28.239,0:02:32.640
objects or people are connected or a

0:02:30.480,0:02:36.959
state of being connected

0:02:32.640,0:02:37.519
um now what are your thoughts on that

0:02:36.959,0:02:40.080
daddy

0:02:37.519,0:02:41.040
do you think that would be um a good way

0:02:40.080,0:02:43.280
to describe

0:02:41.040,0:02:44.080
any type of relationship well i think

0:02:43.280,0:02:46.000
that

0:02:44.080,0:02:48.239
for the purpose of of our discussion

0:02:46.000,0:02:50.720
today i think that’s really it it’s it’s

0:02:48.239,0:02:52.879
how two people connect or multiple

0:02:50.720,0:02:56.239
people connect in this case here

0:02:52.879,0:02:58.239
um because as you said the relationships

0:02:56.239,0:03:01.120
that we’re discussing here aren’t

0:02:58.239,0:03:02.720
romantic relationships necessarily they

0:03:01.120,0:03:05.120
are in some cases

0:03:02.720,0:03:07.599
but it’s really how people get along you

0:03:05.120,0:03:09.680
get along with your peers your family

0:03:07.599,0:03:10.800
uh your partners and so forth so i think

0:03:09.680,0:03:13.599
that’s a

0:03:10.800,0:03:14.480
pretty spot on definition yeah the

0:03:13.599,0:03:16.800
second one

0:03:14.480,0:03:17.840
is more of the romantic kind seeing a

0:03:16.800,0:03:20.400
state

0:03:17.840,0:03:20.879
of being connected by blood or marriage

0:03:20.400,0:03:24.879
which

0:03:20.879,0:03:28.080
also goes into family as well so

0:03:24.879,0:03:30.239
any romantic relationship you had with

0:03:28.080,0:03:31.599
a wife husband or whoever you got

0:03:30.239,0:03:35.280
married with

0:03:31.599,0:03:38.560
um and necessarily your children or your

0:03:35.280,0:03:41.760
siblings or anyone like that absolutely

0:03:38.560,0:03:43.840
so the third definition i found was the

0:03:41.760,0:03:45.120
way in which two or more people or

0:03:43.840,0:03:47.840
groups regar

0:03:45.120,0:03:49.200
regard and behave toward each other

0:03:47.840,0:03:52.400
which i definitely think

0:03:49.200,0:03:55.439
like that would go more for peers like

0:03:52.400,0:03:57.120
friends or strangers or anyone else you

0:03:55.439,0:03:58.799
meet on a daily basis

0:03:57.120,0:04:01.519
sure i think you’re talking kind of

0:03:58.799,0:04:03.200
about the clicks you have at school

0:04:01.519,0:04:05.680
where you have your own group of friends

0:04:03.200,0:04:07.760
and you have other groups

0:04:05.680,0:04:10.080
it may be co-workers could be anything

0:04:07.760,0:04:13.599
along those lines i think

0:04:10.080,0:04:17.000
i also made up my own definition um

0:04:13.599,0:04:18.720
i would i i thought the definition for

0:04:17.000,0:04:20.959
relationships would be

0:04:18.720,0:04:22.960
any interaction in which two people

0:04:20.959,0:04:25.199
react and treat each other

0:04:22.960,0:04:26.000
i think that pretty much sums all these

0:04:25.199,0:04:27.440
up doesn’t it

0:04:26.000,0:04:29.120
yeah do you have any of your own

0:04:27.440,0:04:31.440
definitions that you’d like to say

0:04:29.120,0:04:32.240
uh no i i think the the ones that we

0:04:31.440,0:04:33.919
have here

0:04:32.240,0:04:35.919
certainly set the groundwork for what

0:04:33.919,0:04:38.080
we’re going to be discussing today so

0:04:35.919,0:04:39.520
i think what we can probably do is is

0:04:38.080,0:04:41.919
really lean more towards

0:04:39.520,0:04:43.680
number four there the one that that you

0:04:41.919,0:04:47.280
sort of summarized everything on there

0:04:43.680,0:04:49.280
yeah like i noticed all the different um

0:04:47.280,0:04:51.199
factors that came into each of the

0:04:49.280,0:04:52.560
definitions and i decided you know what

0:04:51.199,0:04:55.600
why not sum it all up

0:04:52.560,0:04:56.240
yeah i think that works alrighty moving

0:04:55.600,0:04:59.440
on to

0:04:56.240,0:05:01.320
our next point in this

0:04:59.440,0:05:03.280
part which is the different types of

0:05:01.320,0:05:06.840
relationships and

0:05:03.280,0:05:08.840
uh this comes from a website called

0:05:06.840,0:05:11.919
yourdictionary.com

0:05:08.840,0:05:15.039
um and they list

0:05:11.919,0:05:17.600
different examples of relationships so

0:05:15.039,0:05:19.840
these can include a husband and a

0:05:17.600,0:05:22.240
husband and his wife or vice versa

0:05:19.840,0:05:23.120
or a husband and a husband a wife and a

0:05:22.240,0:05:25.919
wife you

0:05:23.120,0:05:27.600
take your pick a brother and a sister a

0:05:25.919,0:05:30.800
sister and his brother

0:05:27.600,0:05:32.479
sibling relationships two businesses

0:05:30.800,0:05:33.840
working together now i don’t think we

0:05:32.479,0:05:36.960
actually discussed

0:05:33.840,0:05:38.000
this entirely but this is another one of

0:05:36.960,0:05:39.600
those

0:05:38.000,0:05:41.120
daily interactions that you could

0:05:39.600,0:05:44.560
probably have with

0:05:41.120,0:05:48.320
um anyone sure yeah i mean

0:05:44.560,0:05:52.240
in in what i do for work i do a lot of

0:05:48.320,0:05:56.800
vendor relationship vendor management so

0:05:52.240,0:05:58.960
we need to get services from the outside

0:05:56.800,0:06:00.400
and you know it’s my job to reach out to

0:05:58.960,0:06:03.280
different vendors

0:06:00.400,0:06:04.080
establish relationships because again

0:06:03.280,0:06:06.000
you know with

0:06:04.080,0:06:07.919
anything when it comes to relationships

0:06:06.000,0:06:10.080
trust is a big thing

0:06:07.919,0:06:10.960
so even in business when you’re dealing

0:06:10.080,0:06:13.759
with

0:06:10.960,0:06:15.520
suppliers or customers or whatever

0:06:13.759,0:06:16.720
you’re always working towards building

0:06:15.520,0:06:20.080
that trust

0:06:16.720,0:06:22.400
so it’s just as valid a relationship to

0:06:20.080,0:06:25.600
manage as anything else

0:06:22.400,0:06:28.240
yeah definitely and the final one was a

0:06:25.600,0:06:31.759
father and his daughter or the parent

0:06:28.240,0:06:33.759
child relationship so

0:06:31.759,0:06:36.400
there was something that i actually

0:06:33.759,0:06:38.240
found interesting on this website

0:06:36.400,0:06:39.680
and that was that they offered the

0:06:38.240,0:06:41.520
different definitions

0:06:39.680,0:06:44.000
of the types of relationships that you

0:06:41.520,0:06:46.000
can have and there were so many that

0:06:44.000,0:06:48.160
i really probably couldn’t mention them

0:06:46.000,0:06:51.120
all so i just put one down

0:06:48.160,0:06:52.080
so the one definition i found was a

0:06:51.120,0:06:55.520
medium

0:06:52.080,0:06:58.560
amity amity something like that so amity

0:06:55.520,0:06:59.039
amity which is the friendship or harmony

0:06:58.560,0:07:02.240
between

0:06:59.039,0:07:03.840
individuals or groups and that’s

0:07:02.240,0:07:06.960
probably like

0:07:03.840,0:07:10.000
you said the clicks at school sure yeah

0:07:06.960,0:07:11.440
sort of something like that so there are

0:07:10.000,0:07:11.919
different ways to describe different

0:07:11.440,0:07:13.280
types

0:07:11.919,0:07:15.520
describe different types of

0:07:13.280,0:07:17.840
relationships whether it be family

0:07:15.520,0:07:19.280
friends or just someone you work with or

0:07:17.840,0:07:22.800
you bump into

0:07:19.280,0:07:24.400
um when well probably not now because

0:07:22.800,0:07:26.560
yeah there’s not much bumping going on

0:07:24.400,0:07:29.440
these days

0:07:26.560,0:07:31.440
so uh that’s all i had for the different

0:07:29.440,0:07:33.520
types of relationships

0:07:31.440,0:07:34.560
our next segment talks about the

0:07:33.520,0:07:37.120
different types of

0:07:34.560,0:07:38.160
toxic relationships i feel as though we

0:07:37.120,0:07:40.800
need to mention that

0:07:38.160,0:07:42.000
i think you’re absolutely right so let’s

0:07:40.800,0:07:43.680
take a quick break

0:07:42.000,0:07:45.730
and we’ll come back and we’ll talk about

0:07:43.680,0:07:52.240
toxic relationships

0:07:45.730,0:07:52.240
[Music]

0:07:54.160,0:07:59.919
for over seven years the second sith

0:07:57.199,0:08:00.800
empire has been the premier community

0:07:59.919,0:08:03.520
guild

0:08:00.800,0:08:05.039
in the online game star wars the old

0:08:03.520,0:08:08.000
republic

0:08:05.039,0:08:09.759
with hundreds of friendly and helpful

0:08:08.000,0:08:13.120
active members

0:08:09.759,0:08:15.759
a weekly schedule of nightly events

0:08:13.120,0:08:17.039
annual guild meet and greets and an

0:08:15.759,0:08:20.720
active community

0:08:17.039,0:08:23.199
both on the web and on discord

0:08:20.720,0:08:25.120
the second sith empire is more than your

0:08:23.199,0:08:28.879
typical gaming group

0:08:25.120,0:08:29.680
we’re family join us on the star forge

0:08:28.879,0:08:33.200
server

0:08:29.680,0:08:36.479
for nightly events such as operations

0:08:33.200,0:08:39.839
flash points world boss hunts

0:08:36.479,0:08:41.680
star wars trivia guild lottery and much

0:08:39.839,0:08:45.919
more

0:08:41.680,0:08:45.919
visit us on the web today at

0:08:52.839,0:08:55.839
http://www.the2ndsithempire.com

0:08:56.560,0:09:03.279
so i looked to a website

0:08:59.760,0:09:06.720
called healthscopemag.com

0:09:03.279,0:09:09.519
which has a incredible

0:09:06.720,0:09:10.560
article about toxic relationships and

0:09:09.519,0:09:13.920
the different types

0:09:10.560,0:09:16.320
of toxic partners so by definition

0:09:13.920,0:09:18.959
a toxic relationship is a relationship

0:09:16.320,0:09:21.760
categorized by the behaviors

0:09:18.959,0:09:23.519
by behaviors on the part of the toxic

0:09:21.760,0:09:26.080
partner that are emotionally

0:09:23.519,0:09:28.240
and not infrequently physically damaging

0:09:26.080,0:09:31.839
to their partner

0:09:28.240,0:09:35.519
so it basically means like

0:09:31.839,0:09:37.680
someone can mentally or physically abuse

0:09:35.519,0:09:41.120
someone in their relationship to the

0:09:37.680,0:09:44.800
point where it’s no longer healthy

0:09:41.120,0:09:46.640
um so well well a healthy relationship

0:09:44.800,0:09:48.959
contributes to our self-esteem

0:09:46.640,0:09:51.200
and emotional energy a toxic

0:09:48.959,0:09:52.800
relationship damages self-esteem and

0:09:51.200,0:09:55.680
drains energy

0:09:52.800,0:09:56.720
now you have any thoughts on that well i

0:09:55.680,0:09:57.720
i

0:09:56.720,0:09:59.760
absolutely agree with the

0:09:57.720,0:10:01.839
characterizations we’ve talked in the

0:09:59.760,0:10:05.360
past about

0:10:01.839,0:10:08.720
uh myself growing up as a kid

0:10:05.360,0:10:10.160
my father was verbally abusive of my

0:10:08.720,0:10:11.920
mother

0:10:10.160,0:10:13.440
unfortunately he wasn’t physically

0:10:11.920,0:10:16.640
abusive but

0:10:13.440,0:10:19.760
verbally abusive

0:10:16.640,0:10:21.519
can significantly impact the quality of

0:10:19.760,0:10:26.000
living that you have

0:10:21.519,0:10:27.600
um and the i would even categorize the

0:10:26.000,0:10:29.440
relationship that my mother and father

0:10:27.600,0:10:31.839
had as a toxic relationship

0:10:29.440,0:10:33.760
my mother was very giving very very

0:10:31.839,0:10:35.839
forgiving

0:10:33.760,0:10:38.079
and really went out of her way to take

0:10:35.839,0:10:41.360
care of my father and my father

0:10:38.079,0:10:43.360
very infrequently appreciated that

0:10:41.360,0:10:45.200
and was much more critical of my mother

0:10:43.360,0:10:48.480
than she deserved

0:10:45.200,0:10:49.839
and as a result it had you know a drain

0:10:48.480,0:10:53.920
on her

0:10:49.839,0:10:57.360
her mental well-being over the course of

0:10:53.920,0:10:59.519
30 some years of marriage with him so

0:10:57.360,0:11:00.880
i definitely can attest to toxic

0:10:59.519,0:11:05.279
relationships

0:11:00.880,0:11:07.560
yeah so a toxic relationship is normally

0:11:05.279,0:11:10.560
categorized by insecurities

0:11:07.560,0:11:14.560
self-centeredness dominance and control

0:11:10.560,0:11:15.200
now looking at more of when i was

0:11:14.560,0:11:18.640
looking

0:11:15.200,0:11:19.600
more at the article i noticed that most

0:11:18.640,0:11:22.720
of the

0:11:19.600,0:11:26.240
top toxic partners normally use

0:11:22.720,0:11:29.519
control with mental

0:11:26.240,0:11:32.160
um things like they didn’t they’d

0:11:29.519,0:11:32.560
make their partner insecure they’d cause

0:11:32.160,0:11:36.480
them

0:11:32.560,0:11:38.880
to be um anxious around them and

0:11:36.480,0:11:40.959
overall their mental health status would

0:11:38.880,0:11:42.480
not be well with around them

0:11:40.959,0:11:44.800
yeah a lot of that is the same

0:11:42.480,0:11:45.920
techniques that bullies use you know

0:11:44.800,0:11:49.200
bullies

0:11:45.920,0:11:51.680
because the the bullies either

0:11:49.200,0:11:53.200
fear that you’re you’re better than them

0:11:51.680,0:11:55.760
or different than them in some way

0:11:53.200,0:11:58.720
or they want to elevate themselves

0:11:55.760,0:12:01.120
because they have such low self-esteem

0:11:58.720,0:12:03.519
if they can’t improve their own

0:12:01.120,0:12:05.519
self-esteem through self-improvement

0:12:03.519,0:12:07.360
what they do is they drag other people

0:12:05.519,0:12:07.680
down to their level so that then they

0:12:07.360,0:12:10.000
can

0:12:07.680,0:12:10.959
shine and i think some of the toxic

0:12:10.000,0:12:14.079
relationship

0:12:10.959,0:12:17.120
symptoms that we have here speak to that

0:12:14.079,0:12:19.839
yes so next up i want to talk about the

0:12:17.120,0:12:23.399
different types of toxic people

0:12:19.839,0:12:26.639
now the first one we have is the

0:12:23.399,0:12:30.399
depreciator or the belittle deprecator

0:12:26.639,0:12:33.600
deprecator belittler or the belittle

0:12:30.399,0:12:35.760
sorry can’t speak with that so this type

0:12:33.600,0:12:37.200
of toxic individual will constantly

0:12:35.760,0:12:39.680
belittle you

0:12:37.200,0:12:41.279
they will make fun of you implying that

0:12:39.680,0:12:44.160
that anything you say

0:12:41.279,0:12:46.639
or that expresses your ideas beliefs or

0:12:44.160,0:12:50.240
want is silly or stupid

0:12:46.639,0:12:53.200
so they basically want to put you down

0:12:50.240,0:12:54.800
saying that you’re not going to be smart

0:12:53.200,0:12:57.839
you’re just being crazy

0:12:54.800,0:12:58.820
stuff like that right this is classic of

0:12:57.839,0:13:00.240
someone who

0:12:58.820,0:13:02.480
[Music]

0:13:00.240,0:13:04.480
is with someone that they don’t feel

0:13:02.480,0:13:05.279
that they deserve because they may be

0:13:04.480,0:13:09.120
smarter

0:13:05.279,0:13:12.160
or prettier or more athletic

0:13:09.120,0:13:14.800
so they drag down those attributes

0:13:12.160,0:13:15.839
of that person those high attributes to

0:13:14.800,0:13:17.760
their own level

0:13:15.839,0:13:20.160
so that okay now we’re on a playing

0:13:17.760,0:13:21.760
field oh you’re dumb so

0:13:20.160,0:13:23.600
i’m dumb you’re done we’re on the same

0:13:21.760,0:13:25.120
level here so now i don’t need to be

0:13:23.600,0:13:27.760
jealous of you

0:13:25.120,0:13:29.760
so that’s where a lot of that belittling

0:13:27.760,0:13:30.480
comes from it’s to bring you down to

0:13:29.760,0:13:32.639
their level

0:13:30.480,0:13:34.320
i mean yeah that’s sort of a classic

0:13:32.639,0:13:36.160
technique for bullies just like you

0:13:34.320,0:13:37.440
mentioned before they would constantly

0:13:36.160,0:13:40.160
bring other people down

0:13:37.440,0:13:43.120
to their level so that they don’t feel

0:13:40.160,0:13:45.120
jealous of them or they don’t need to

0:13:43.120,0:13:47.120
feel as though they need to do better

0:13:45.120,0:13:50.399
exactly

0:13:47.120,0:13:53.040
um so this toxic partner

0:13:50.399,0:13:55.120
wants all the decision-making power they

0:13:53.040,0:13:57.040
will often tell you that you are lucky

0:13:55.120,0:13:59.199
to have them as a partner

0:13:57.040,0:14:00.399
and that no one else would want you

0:13:59.199,0:14:04.079
which

0:14:00.399,0:14:06.399
is definitely a bad mindset for anyone

0:14:04.079,0:14:09.440
because it would make them feel unwanted

0:14:06.399,0:14:09.839
that honestly and it would make them

0:14:09.440,0:14:12.800
stay

0:14:09.839,0:14:14.880
closer which is really bad because this

0:14:12.800,0:14:17.440
kind of toxic belittling

0:14:14.880,0:14:18.959
is not something that they want to deal

0:14:17.440,0:14:20.399
with on a regular basis

0:14:18.959,0:14:22.240
but sadly if they stay in the

0:14:20.399,0:14:24.880
relationship or if the

0:14:22.240,0:14:25.360
they don’t make any changes they’ll

0:14:24.880,0:14:28.399
it’ll

0:14:25.360,0:14:30.000
happen and in that situation you get to

0:14:28.399,0:14:32.800
that situation when you start to

0:14:30.000,0:14:33.279
believe what this other partner is doing

0:14:32.800,0:14:36.560
to you

0:14:33.279,0:14:38.560
and you believe that their

0:14:36.560,0:14:40.959
idea of your self-worth is what’s

0:14:38.560,0:14:42.480
accurate so when you bring your own self

0:14:40.959,0:14:45.760
down to that level

0:14:42.480,0:14:47.519
you’re far less likely to be motivated

0:14:45.760,0:14:49.279
to try and get out of that relationship

0:14:47.519,0:14:50.160
because you start to believe that nobody

0:14:49.279,0:14:52.480
else will want you

0:14:50.160,0:14:54.800
and that you don’t you get to the point

0:14:52.480,0:14:57.760
you just you don’t want to be alone

0:14:54.800,0:14:58.000
so you’re you decided okay well i’m

0:14:57.760,0:14:59.440
going

0:14:58.000,0:15:02.160
to put up with this because it’s better

0:14:59.440,0:15:04.959
than being alone and oftentimes

0:15:02.160,0:15:06.639
that’s not really the case yes the goal

0:15:04.959,0:15:08.560
is to keep your self-esteem as low as

0:15:06.639,0:15:10.560
possible so you don’t challenge their

0:15:08.560,0:15:12.000
absolute control of the relationship and

0:15:10.560,0:15:13.760
like i said before

0:15:12.000,0:15:17.360
most of these relationships revolved

0:15:13.760,0:15:20.639
around the control of the other partner

0:15:17.360,0:15:24.000
so that was it for the belittler

0:15:20.639,0:15:24.720
now is the bad tempered partner people

0:15:24.000,0:15:27.279
might say

0:15:24.720,0:15:28.720
that they have tried they have they have

0:15:27.279,0:15:30.320
given up trying to argue with their

0:15:28.720,0:15:34.000
partner because their partner gets

0:15:30.320,0:15:36.800
so angry or loses his or her temper

0:15:34.000,0:15:38.880
and then often don’t interact with them

0:15:36.800,0:15:40.959
and any meaningful ways for days

0:15:38.880,0:15:42.399
this behavior is often considered as

0:15:40.959,0:15:45.680
controlling by

0:15:42.399,0:15:46.959
intimidation now this is the kind of

0:15:45.680,0:15:50.079
person that

0:15:46.959,0:15:53.120
will verbally scream at their partner

0:15:50.079,0:15:56.800
they don’t they will constantly

0:15:53.120,0:15:59.279
want to argue they’re they

0:15:56.800,0:16:00.160
like it’s very hard to change their

0:15:59.279,0:16:02.959
perspective

0:16:00.160,0:16:04.480
like if they think one way and you think

0:16:02.959,0:16:05.519
another way they’re not going to change

0:16:04.480,0:16:08.320
their perspective

0:16:05.519,0:16:10.399
they will hang on to it for dear life

0:16:08.320,0:16:11.839
and this was the definition of what my

0:16:10.399,0:16:15.839
father was

0:16:11.839,0:16:18.160
my father was stubborn he was pigheaded

0:16:15.839,0:16:20.639
he would argue no matter how much you

0:16:18.160,0:16:22.560
proved that his point of view was wrong

0:16:20.639,0:16:25.199
he would continue to argue his point of

0:16:22.560,0:16:29.199
view and he would argue it

0:16:25.199,0:16:30.880
because he enjoyed arguing and

0:16:29.199,0:16:32.720
he never really understood that the

0:16:30.880,0:16:34.959
emotional drain that it had on the

0:16:32.720,0:16:38.560
people around him

0:16:34.959,0:16:41.360
so often these individuals

0:16:38.560,0:16:42.320
have unpredictable and hair trigger

0:16:41.360,0:16:44.800
temper

0:16:42.320,0:16:46.480
the constant need for vigilance and

0:16:44.800,0:16:48.720
inability to know

0:16:46.480,0:16:51.199
what will trigger an angry outburst

0:16:48.720,0:16:53.519
wears on both the victims emotion

0:16:51.199,0:16:54.320
the victim’s emotional and physical

0:16:53.519,0:16:56.000
health

0:16:54.320,0:16:58.160
have you ever heard of the idea of

0:16:56.000,0:17:00.160
walking on eggshells around people

0:16:58.160,0:17:01.360
yeah that’s what they’re describing here

0:17:00.160,0:17:03.279
the fact that

0:17:01.360,0:17:05.039
you never know what you’re going to say

0:17:03.279,0:17:06.160
to set that person off it could be the

0:17:05.039,0:17:09.199
most mundane

0:17:06.160,0:17:11.679
innocent thing and you make a comment

0:17:09.199,0:17:13.439
like oh how’s the weather and then all

0:17:11.679,0:17:14.799
of a sudden they fly off the handle for

0:17:13.439,0:17:17.360
no reason

0:17:14.799,0:17:18.160
yeah this makes them afraid to interact

0:17:17.360,0:17:20.079
with them

0:17:18.160,0:17:21.839
and just afraid to be around their

0:17:20.079,0:17:24.559
presence absolutely yeah

0:17:21.839,0:17:25.760
which in any relationship is not what

0:17:24.559,0:17:28.960
you want to have

0:17:25.760,0:17:31.039
absolutely this type of emotional abuser

0:17:28.960,0:17:32.080
rarely shows their toxic side to the

0:17:31.039,0:17:33.760
outside world

0:17:32.080,0:17:36.480
they are seen as a pleasant and easy

0:17:33.760,0:17:38.880
going person who everyone likes

0:17:36.480,0:17:40.080
uh yeah i don’t like those people who

0:17:38.880,0:17:43.200
just fake it

0:17:40.080,0:17:45.360
yeah like then

0:17:43.200,0:17:46.840
it’ll make um it’ll make the other

0:17:45.360,0:17:48.400
person seem as though they’re

0:17:46.840,0:17:50.960
overreacting

0:17:48.400,0:17:52.400
and anyone who really isn’t entirely

0:17:50.960,0:17:55.120
close with them might take

0:17:52.400,0:17:57.919
the other person’s side absolutely and

0:17:55.120,0:18:00.640
it just makes me feel bad

0:17:57.919,0:18:02.400
the next type of toxic person we have is

0:18:00.640,0:18:04.720
the guilt inducer

0:18:02.400,0:18:06.880
the the guilt inducer controls by

0:18:04.720,0:18:09.200
encouraging you to feel guilty any time

0:18:06.880,0:18:11.520
you do something that they don’t like

0:18:09.200,0:18:12.880
they will sometimes get someone else to

0:18:11.520,0:18:16.400
convey their sense of

0:18:12.880,0:18:19.360
disappointment or hurt to you

0:18:16.400,0:18:22.160
now this kind of person would probably

0:18:19.360,0:18:25.520
be more of

0:18:22.160,0:18:26.080
like sort of that crying begging kind of

0:18:25.520,0:18:27.600
person

0:18:26.080,0:18:29.600
like they’d constantly want to

0:18:27.600,0:18:31.200
guilt-trip you saying that

0:18:29.600,0:18:32.960
whatever you did was wrong and you

0:18:31.200,0:18:34.480
should feel bad about it even if it’s

0:18:32.960,0:18:36.160
the littlest thing

0:18:34.480,0:18:37.600
and it’s not going to be that bad

0:18:36.160,0:18:40.080
absolutely

0:18:37.600,0:18:42.400
the guilt inducer not only controls by

0:18:40.080,0:18:45.520
including guilt but also by

0:18:42.400,0:18:48.400
temporarily moving removing guilt if you

0:18:45.520,0:18:51.039
end up doing what they want you to do

0:18:48.400,0:18:52.960
for guilt prone individuals anything or

0:18:51.039,0:18:53.679
anyone that removes guilt is very

0:18:52.960,0:18:55.679
desirable

0:18:53.679,0:18:58.000
so the guilt inducer is extremely

0:18:55.679,0:18:58.559
powerful in the means that control of

0:18:58.000,0:19:01.679
your

0:18:58.559,0:19:04.880
of their disposal this uh

0:19:01.679,0:19:08.320
ironically enough the parallel

0:19:04.880,0:19:10.559
here is is kind of along the lines of

0:19:08.320,0:19:13.600
organized religion

0:19:10.559,0:19:14.880
the catholic church induces obedience

0:19:13.600,0:19:17.120
through guilt

0:19:14.880,0:19:19.840
you know you’re a sinner you did bad so

0:19:17.120,0:19:23.039
you need the catholic church in order to

0:19:19.840,0:19:24.480
cleanse your soul so that you can go to

0:19:23.039,0:19:26.720
heaven

0:19:24.480,0:19:29.520
but from a relationship standpoint a

0:19:26.720,0:19:32.559
one-on-one relationship you get a lot of

0:19:29.520,0:19:34.160
well if you love me you do this and

0:19:32.559,0:19:35.679
oh well you didn’t do that so that means

0:19:34.160,0:19:38.880
you don’t love me

0:19:35.679,0:19:41.919
and they hold that that emotional

0:19:38.880,0:19:45.600
ransom over people of

0:19:41.919,0:19:47.440
of love you know you’ll demonstrate you

0:19:45.600,0:19:49.039
love me by doing a certain thing that i

0:19:47.440,0:19:51.600
want you to do

0:19:49.039,0:19:53.280
and if they don’t well then there’s a

0:19:51.600,0:19:54.160
consequence that i’m not going to love

0:19:53.280,0:19:57.280
you and you’ll feel

0:19:54.160,0:19:59.679
guilty about it so it’s a very complex

0:19:57.280,0:20:00.799
type of extortion that people have over

0:19:59.679,0:20:02.799
people emotionally

0:20:00.799,0:20:03.919
yeah some people might not think that

0:20:02.799,0:20:07.200
guilt is

0:20:03.919,0:20:10.320
all that um dangerous

0:20:07.200,0:20:13.360
but used in the guilt tripper like this

0:20:10.320,0:20:16.000
is very dangerous like

0:20:13.360,0:20:18.080
say you accidentally broke a vase and

0:20:16.000,0:20:21.039
you were afraid to tell your parents

0:20:18.080,0:20:22.799
and you decide to lie and that guilt

0:20:21.039,0:20:25.440
builds up over time

0:20:22.799,0:20:27.520
getting you so emotionally that you end

0:20:25.440,0:20:31.280
up telling your parents anyway

0:20:27.520,0:20:35.039
out of just sheer reason

0:20:31.280,0:20:38.240
just your guilt and using that guilt

0:20:35.039,0:20:40.320
as a toxic partner can be very dangerous

0:20:38.240,0:20:42.559
right now the example you just gave

0:20:40.320,0:20:45.280
that’s legitimate guilt where

0:20:42.559,0:20:47.039
you did something and then tried to hide

0:20:45.280,0:20:48.159
it so you’re inducing that guilt on

0:20:47.039,0:20:50.799
yourself

0:20:48.159,0:20:51.760
and that’s very powerful on your soul

0:20:50.799,0:20:56.240
whereas

0:20:51.760,0:20:59.360
when someone who is the guilt inducer

0:20:56.240,0:21:01.360
they artificially impose that on you so

0:20:59.360,0:21:02.320
they’re manipulating you emotionally

0:21:01.360,0:21:04.720
through guilt

0:21:02.320,0:21:05.760
and that guilt isn’t even real they made

0:21:04.720,0:21:07.600
it up basically

0:21:05.760,0:21:09.520
yeah and that’s what’s the most toxic

0:21:07.600,0:21:11.039
part about it because if they really

0:21:09.520,0:21:14.240
loved you they wouldn’t make you

0:21:11.039,0:21:17.120
feel that bad yeah so

0:21:14.240,0:21:18.400
and sometimes it’s hard to see like that

0:21:17.120,0:21:20.480
exactly

0:21:18.400,0:21:23.120
so the next one we have is the

0:21:20.480,0:21:25.280
overreactor or the deflector

0:21:23.120,0:21:26.880
people who have an overreactor as a

0:21:25.280,0:21:28.720
partner you’ll find yourself

0:21:26.880,0:21:30.559
comforting them instead of getting

0:21:28.720,0:21:31.360
comforted yourself if you’re not feeling

0:21:30.559,0:21:32.960
well

0:21:31.360,0:21:34.720
they will make you feel bad about

0:21:32.960,0:21:36.720
yourself for being so

0:21:34.720,0:21:39.039
selfish that you brought up something

0:21:36.720,0:21:42.480
that upset your partner so much

0:21:39.039,0:21:45.840
this causes you initial concern

0:21:42.480,0:21:48.400
hurt or irritation to get lost so you

0:21:45.840,0:21:50.640
can take care of your partner’s feelings

0:21:48.400,0:21:53.840
now i definitely think this is a very

0:21:50.640,0:21:55.760
dangerous partner because

0:21:53.840,0:21:57.039
your mental health should come first

0:21:55.760,0:21:58.720
from any relationship

0:21:57.039,0:22:00.799
and anyone that can’t take over your

0:21:58.720,0:22:01.600
mental health shouldn’t really be with

0:22:00.799,0:22:05.200
you

0:22:01.600,0:22:07.440
this kind of toxic person will say that

0:22:05.200,0:22:08.400
oh well you don’t know that this

0:22:07.440,0:22:11.039
happened

0:22:08.400,0:22:12.480
or and then they’ll like start crying

0:22:11.039,0:22:14.799
and then you’ll have to comfort them

0:22:12.480,0:22:17.919
instead of them comforting you

0:22:14.799,0:22:20.640
now it is a two-way streak you need to

0:22:17.919,0:22:21.600
you need to one have a partner that you

0:22:20.640,0:22:23.440
can comfort

0:22:21.600,0:22:26.159
and to have a partner that can comfort

0:22:23.440,0:22:28.000
you but this is a one-way sh

0:22:26.159,0:22:29.760
but this is just a one-sided

0:22:28.000,0:22:32.320
relationship it’s just

0:22:29.760,0:22:34.080
you helping your partner’s mental health

0:22:32.320,0:22:35.840
while your mental health is starting to

0:22:34.080,0:22:38.000
deteriorate

0:22:35.840,0:22:40.159
and and the one thing to note about this

0:22:38.000,0:22:43.440
is sometimes people act like this

0:22:40.159,0:22:46.400
as a cry for help where

0:22:43.440,0:22:48.240
they may not feel like they’re getting

0:22:46.400,0:22:51.600
the attention that they need or support

0:22:48.240,0:22:54.400
they need from their their partner

0:22:51.600,0:22:55.360
and as a result of that they’ll

0:22:54.400,0:22:56.960
overreact

0:22:55.360,0:22:59.039
if they feel that they’re not getting it

0:22:56.960,0:23:00.880
so when you see

0:22:59.039,0:23:03.600
something like this happen it’s not

0:23:00.880,0:23:07.120
necessarily necessarily that they’re

0:23:03.600,0:23:08.799
a toxic partner that are

0:23:07.120,0:23:10.400
out for their own interest and they

0:23:08.799,0:23:12.720
don’t care about you

0:23:10.400,0:23:14.400
it’s possible they might feel that

0:23:12.720,0:23:17.120
they’re not getting the attention that

0:23:14.400,0:23:19.919
they need from the relationship so

0:23:17.120,0:23:21.520
when this happens it could very well be

0:23:19.919,0:23:24.159
sort of a warning sign of

0:23:21.520,0:23:26.000
you’re not doing your part as a partner

0:23:24.159,0:23:27.440
if it happens over and over again

0:23:26.000,0:23:29.200
then it’s a different story when it

0:23:27.440,0:23:31.280
happens to excess yes

0:23:29.200,0:23:33.679
on the other side they could completely

0:23:31.280,0:23:35.120
ignore when you try to talk through your

0:23:33.679,0:23:38.000
problems with them

0:23:35.120,0:23:39.919
which is definitely not which kind of

0:23:38.000,0:23:41.360
coincides with what you were thinking if

0:23:39.919,0:23:43.279
they don’t do this

0:23:41.360,0:23:44.799
then they probably then you probably

0:23:43.279,0:23:47.360
just need to help them

0:23:44.799,0:23:49.120
but if they if they don’t listen to when

0:23:47.360,0:23:50.880
you do try to talk to your prop through

0:23:49.120,0:23:54.080
your problems then

0:23:50.880,0:23:55.840
you then they might have the time

0:23:54.080,0:23:57.279
then they might be this toxic kind of

0:23:55.840,0:24:00.000
partner

0:23:57.279,0:24:01.120
they would come back to you a few hour

0:24:00.000,0:24:04.240
they would

0:24:01.120,0:24:06.400
let’s see they would come back to

0:24:04.240,0:24:09.360
they would come back for a few hour or

0:24:06.400,0:24:09.360
for they

0:24:09.600,0:24:14.080
they’d come back for a few more hours

0:24:12.159,0:24:15.919
actually i don’t think so

0:24:14.080,0:24:18.159
they wouldn’t come back for a few more

0:24:15.919,0:24:20.240
hours and somehow find a way to blame

0:24:18.159,0:24:24.000
everything on you

0:24:20.240,0:24:26.880
oh yes yeah that’s definitely not good

0:24:24.000,0:24:28.720
no so the next one we have is the

0:24:26.880,0:24:32.559
overdependent partner

0:24:28.720,0:24:35.200
these toxic controllers want to make

0:24:32.559,0:24:37.520
virtually every wants you to make every

0:24:35.200,0:24:38.720
virtually every decision for them

0:24:37.520,0:24:40.400
you’ll know that you made the wrong

0:24:38.720,0:24:41.440
decision by your partner’s passive

0:24:40.400,0:24:43.679
aggressive behavior

0:24:41.440,0:24:45.200
such as pounding or not talking to you

0:24:43.679,0:24:46.720
because you chose a

0:24:45.200,0:24:49.039
movie or restaurant that they didn’t

0:24:46.720,0:24:49.039
enjoy

0:24:49.120,0:24:54.320
now these kinds of people

0:24:52.159,0:24:56.000
want you to make their decision making

0:24:54.320,0:24:58.320
and whenever you don’t make the wrong

0:24:56.000,0:25:00.240
decision it has a negative effect on

0:24:58.320,0:25:03.840
both of them and

0:25:00.240,0:25:06.320
it what do you say about the kind of

0:25:03.840,0:25:08.240
behavior sounds an awful lot like dinner

0:25:06.320,0:25:09.520
time on the weekends around here

0:25:08.240,0:25:10.400
what do you want to do for dinner i

0:25:09.520,0:25:11.360
don’t know what do you want to do i

0:25:10.400,0:25:13.200
don’t know what do you want to do

0:25:11.360,0:25:16.880
somebody make a decision

0:25:13.200,0:25:18.960
um yes it can be a real dream when

0:25:16.880,0:25:22.000
you’re the person who’s making decisions

0:25:18.960,0:25:25.600
all the time for everything

0:25:22.000,0:25:26.640
and and what compounds the difficulty of

0:25:25.600,0:25:28.640
that

0:25:26.640,0:25:30.640
is when you are forced to make the

0:25:28.640,0:25:32.400
decisions and then

0:25:30.640,0:25:33.760
the other person’s not happy with those

0:25:32.400,0:25:36.159
decisions

0:25:33.760,0:25:38.159
then not only is all the responsibility

0:25:36.159,0:25:41.760
of decision making on you

0:25:38.159,0:25:44.159
all the risk of

0:25:41.760,0:25:45.840
failure on making the wrong decisions is

0:25:44.159,0:25:48.159
on you as well so it can be

0:25:45.840,0:25:49.360
overly burdensome for the the target of

0:25:48.159,0:25:51.919
this type of behavior

0:25:49.360,0:25:53.520
yeah passivity can be an extremely

0:25:51.919,0:25:55.679
powerful means of control

0:25:53.520,0:25:57.440
if you’re influenced in a relationship

0:25:55.679,0:25:59.520
with a passive controller

0:25:57.440,0:26:00.799
you are likely to experience constant

0:25:59.520,0:26:04.640
anxiety and

0:26:00.799,0:26:06.480
or fatigue as you worry about the effect

0:26:04.640,0:26:08.559
of your decision on your partner

0:26:06.480,0:26:10.159
like you said right and and that’s the

0:26:08.559,0:26:13.760
funny thing about this

0:26:10.159,0:26:15.679
type of relationship is they may not

0:26:13.760,0:26:16.640
come across as controlling because

0:26:15.679,0:26:18.880
they’re ceding

0:26:16.640,0:26:20.240
all control to you but by seating all

0:26:18.880,0:26:22.240
controlled to you

0:26:20.240,0:26:23.679
they’re controlling you yeah so it’s

0:26:22.240,0:26:25.039
kind of counterintuitive

0:26:23.679,0:26:26.799
and most people don’t realize that

0:26:25.039,0:26:29.120
they’re being manipulated

0:26:26.799,0:26:29.840
and controlled under those circumstances

0:26:29.120,0:26:32.080
yeah they

0:26:29.840,0:26:33.679
basically use the opposite effect to

0:26:32.080,0:26:36.960
have the exact same

0:26:33.679,0:26:38.080
um outcome yep so the next one we have

0:26:36.960,0:26:40.240
is the non-dependent

0:26:38.080,0:26:42.080
toxic controller this individual

0:26:40.240,0:26:44.000
frequently disguises their toxic

0:26:42.080,0:26:47.039
controlling behavior as simply

0:26:44.000,0:26:48.159
asserting their independence they

0:26:47.039,0:26:50.400
control you by

0:26:48.159,0:26:51.760
keeping you uncertain about what they

0:26:50.400,0:26:53.600
are going to do

0:26:51.760,0:26:57.360
they’ll tell you that they’ll call you

0:26:53.600,0:26:59.520
or something else but then they won’t

0:26:57.360,0:27:01.120
these types of people don’t make you

0:26:59.520,0:27:04.080
feel safe and secure

0:27:01.120,0:27:06.720
in your relationship with them it’s just

0:27:04.080,0:27:10.000
not their behavior but their emotions

0:27:06.720,0:27:12.400
that seem to be unpredictable as well

0:27:10.000,0:27:14.799
you will begin to feel like they don’t

0:27:12.400,0:27:15.679
like you anymore or don’t want anything

0:27:14.799,0:27:17.840
to do with you

0:27:15.679,0:27:20.399
if you ask them their answer is just

0:27:17.840,0:27:23.200
simply vague enough to keep you guessing

0:27:20.399,0:27:24.960
and these are warning signs like like

0:27:23.200,0:27:27.840
we’ve talked about previously is

0:27:24.960,0:27:29.120
is when you’re you know partnering with

0:27:27.840,0:27:31.200
someone

0:27:29.120,0:27:32.480
and one day they show a tremendous

0:27:31.200,0:27:34.080
amount of interest in you and the next

0:27:32.480,0:27:37.200
day they can’t even return your phone

0:27:34.080,0:27:38.399
calls that’s usually a warning sign that

0:27:37.200,0:27:40.240
either

0:27:38.399,0:27:41.760
a they’re not really that interested in

0:27:40.240,0:27:45.200
you or that they’re using you

0:27:41.760,0:27:46.799
for whatever or b you’re not the only

0:27:45.200,0:27:48.240
person that they happen to be dating at

0:27:46.799,0:27:49.760
that point in time and they’re dividing

0:27:48.240,0:27:52.799
their attention among

0:27:49.760,0:27:54.480
various people so if that’s not

0:27:52.799,0:27:56.799
something that you’re interested in

0:27:54.480,0:27:57.520
in a relationship and you prefer to have

0:27:56.799,0:27:59.440
something that’s

0:27:57.520,0:28:02.159
a monogamous relationship where it’s

0:27:59.440,0:28:04.559
just you and one other person

0:28:02.159,0:28:05.200
then these are warning signs for you to

0:28:04.559,0:28:08.159
start

0:28:05.200,0:28:10.559
asking certain questions and maybe

0:28:08.159,0:28:13.200
altering your behavior as well

0:28:10.559,0:28:16.399
to let the other person know what type

0:28:13.200,0:28:18.159
of relationship that you’re looking for

0:28:16.399,0:28:20.399
there people go into relationships with

0:28:18.159,0:28:22.640
different intents all the time

0:28:20.399,0:28:24.240
and it’s important that they know what

0:28:22.640,0:28:26.240
you’re looking for if you haven’t

0:28:24.240,0:28:27.760
expressed it to them so this is

0:28:26.240,0:28:30.399
sometimes a warning sign that you need

0:28:27.760,0:28:32.080
to express those interests

0:28:30.399,0:28:33.760
now this might be one of the more

0:28:32.080,0:28:36.320
commonly known toxic

0:28:33.760,0:28:38.640
people which is the user that some of

0:28:36.320,0:28:41.120
these categories might also fall on

0:28:38.640,0:28:42.000
so users at the beginning of the

0:28:41.120,0:28:43.679
relationship

0:28:42.000,0:28:45.919
often seem very nice and pleasant

0:28:43.679,0:28:47.600
individuals what makes a relationship

0:28:45.919,0:28:50.880
with a user toxic

0:28:47.600,0:28:51.360
is its one-way nature and the fact that

0:28:50.880,0:28:53.520
you’ll

0:28:51.360,0:28:55.039
never that you’ll end up never having

0:28:53.520,0:28:57.760
done enough for them

0:28:55.039,0:28:58.559
users are big time energy drainers who

0:28:57.760,0:29:01.440
will in fact

0:28:58.559,0:29:04.399
leave you if they find someone else who

0:29:01.440,0:29:08.080
will do more for them

0:29:04.399,0:29:11.039
so this kind of person is kind of

0:29:08.080,0:29:12.240
just using you for their own benefit

0:29:11.039,0:29:14.080
they don’t normally

0:29:12.240,0:29:15.600
do anything for you and you do

0:29:14.080,0:29:17.440
everything for them

0:29:15.600,0:29:18.880
and unfortunately there are a lot of

0:29:17.440,0:29:22.159
people out there

0:29:18.880,0:29:25.760
like that and there are

0:29:22.159,0:29:26.720
providers that that are complementary to

0:29:25.760,0:29:29.120
users

0:29:26.720,0:29:30.320
so the people my mother was was a

0:29:29.120,0:29:34.000
provider

0:29:30.320,0:29:36.159
she always felt happiest when she had

0:29:34.000,0:29:38.080
someone to take care of to cook for to

0:29:36.159,0:29:42.080
do laundry for

0:29:38.080,0:29:43.200
um to you know basically take care of

0:29:42.080,0:29:46.480
them

0:29:43.200,0:29:48.799
and when you don’t

0:29:46.480,0:29:50.559
when the provider type of personality

0:29:48.799,0:29:52.960
doesn’t have that they don’t

0:29:50.559,0:29:55.120
they they feel as though they’ve lost a

0:29:52.960,0:29:58.559
sense of purpose in life

0:29:55.120,0:29:59.120
so users tend to prey on these types of

0:29:58.559,0:30:02.720
people

0:29:59.120,0:30:05.840
until to the point that they’ve leeched

0:30:02.720,0:30:08.159
everything out of them they’ve they’ve

0:30:05.840,0:30:09.279
sucked them dry emotionally they’ve

0:30:08.159,0:30:11.919
taken away

0:30:09.279,0:30:13.279
monetarily from them and you’ve reached

0:30:11.919,0:30:15.279
a point where

0:30:13.279,0:30:17.039
the user can’t get any more out of you

0:30:15.279,0:30:18.320
and then they leave you and they move on

0:30:17.039,0:30:20.720
to their next victim

0:30:18.320,0:30:22.880
yeah they’re almost like parasites in in

0:30:20.720,0:30:25.279
that respect basically

0:30:22.880,0:30:26.720
so a really adept user will occasionally

0:30:25.279,0:30:30.000
do some small

0:30:26.720,0:30:32.080
thing for use so that it does that

0:30:30.000,0:30:33.520
that doesn’t inconvenience them know

0:30:32.080,0:30:35.919
that they will use this

0:30:33.520,0:30:37.039
to induce guilt into you if you ever

0:30:35.919,0:30:40.640
talk if you ever

0:30:37.039,0:30:43.520
bought bulk at doing something for them

0:30:40.640,0:30:44.080
right so they give a little bit back to

0:30:43.520,0:30:46.320
make it

0:30:44.080,0:30:48.240
look as though they’re a contributing

0:30:46.320,0:30:51.919
member of the relationship

0:30:48.240,0:30:53.360
but should you not appreciate that then

0:30:51.919,0:30:55.600
they throw it in your face

0:30:53.360,0:30:57.120
yeah and that’s kind of the same thing

0:30:55.600,0:30:58.720
with the guilt inducer although they

0:30:57.120,0:31:01.760
don’t have to use it often

0:30:58.720,0:31:03.519
right so the next so the final one we

0:31:01.760,0:31:05.760
have here is the possessive

0:31:03.519,0:31:08.159
toxic controller early in your

0:31:05.760,0:31:10.159
relationship with this toxic individual

0:31:08.159,0:31:13.360
you may have appreciated their

0:31:10.159,0:31:14.320
jealousy particularly if it isn’t too

0:31:13.360,0:31:17.600
controlling

0:31:14.320,0:31:20.799
at most but not all possessive

0:31:17.600,0:31:23.519
possessive visits to what possessives

0:31:20.799,0:31:24.799
possessives will imply that once you two

0:31:23.519,0:31:27.279
are married or

0:31:24.799,0:31:28.399
in a committed relationship they’ll be

0:31:27.279,0:31:31.440
just fine

0:31:28.399,0:31:34.720
don’t believe them that like this kind

0:31:31.440,0:31:36.880
okay so they will become more and more

0:31:34.720,0:31:37.360
suspicious and controlling as time goes

0:31:36.880,0:31:38.880
on

0:31:37.360,0:31:41.200
they will in short make your life

0:31:38.880,0:31:42.000
miserable over time they will work hard

0:31:41.200,0:31:43.679
to eliminate

0:31:42.000,0:31:45.360
any meaningful relationships you have

0:31:43.679,0:31:48.000
with friends and sometimes

0:31:45.360,0:31:50.000
even with family they only see you as a

0:31:48.000,0:31:52.399
possession of them

0:31:50.000,0:31:54.159
which is not good nope not at all so

0:31:52.399,0:31:57.679
basically this kind of toxic

0:31:54.159,0:32:00.640
person will start out being really open

0:31:57.679,0:32:03.200
to all your friends and then there’s

0:32:00.640,0:32:04.000
they have different ways on how they’ll

0:32:03.200,0:32:06.159
get

0:32:04.000,0:32:07.919
get you to stop hanging out with them

0:32:06.159,0:32:09.519
they’ll nitpick

0:32:07.919,0:32:11.200
things that they don’t like about your

0:32:09.519,0:32:14.320
friends

0:32:11.200,0:32:15.279
um and soon you’ll stop wanting to talk

0:32:14.320,0:32:16.880
to them

0:32:15.279,0:32:18.640
and at some point it might even get to

0:32:16.880,0:32:20.480
the point where you won’t even be able

0:32:18.640,0:32:22.720
to see your own family

0:32:20.480,0:32:25.200
they’ll be they’ll basically treat you

0:32:22.720,0:32:26.799
as though they’re your possession and

0:32:25.200,0:32:28.799
if they’re the only relationship you

0:32:26.799,0:32:30.320
have they have much more control over

0:32:28.799,0:32:32.399
everything you do

0:32:30.320,0:32:33.760
yes they treat you as though they own

0:32:32.399,0:32:35.519
you and they just want to take you and

0:32:33.760,0:32:36.240
they want to put you on a shelf like a

0:32:35.519,0:32:37.760
trophy

0:32:36.240,0:32:39.760
yes and they don’t want anyone else

0:32:37.760,0:32:43.600
looking at you or talking to you

0:32:39.760,0:32:46.640
or touching you or anything because

0:32:43.600,0:32:49.519
you’re theirs yeah and

0:32:46.640,0:32:50.640
you know you hear that type of statement

0:32:49.519,0:32:53.360
and you wonder how

0:32:50.640,0:32:54.880
how people actually allow that to happen

0:32:53.360,0:32:56.799
and it doesn’t start off

0:32:54.880,0:32:58.480
quite like that it starts off fairly

0:32:56.799,0:33:02.080
innocent little

0:32:58.480,0:33:05.679
you know when you start dating someone

0:33:02.080,0:33:08.480
in the beginning and they’re jealous of

0:33:05.679,0:33:10.559
your attention it’s almost flattering

0:33:08.480,0:33:12.399
like oh they you know they want my time

0:33:10.559,0:33:13.440
and they want to devote themselves to my

0:33:12.399,0:33:15.919
time

0:33:13.440,0:33:17.679
and it kind of lifts your spirits and it

0:33:15.919,0:33:20.559
makes you feel good for

0:33:17.679,0:33:22.240
for the beginning and then when it gets

0:33:20.559,0:33:24.080
to the point where

0:33:22.240,0:33:25.360
oh my god they they want to spend every

0:33:24.080,0:33:26.320
minute with me they don’t want me out of

0:33:25.360,0:33:29.039
their sight

0:33:26.320,0:33:31.120
it starts to get very smothering yes and

0:33:29.039,0:33:33.919
that’s where you start to run into

0:33:31.120,0:33:36.720
issues where you know not every couple

0:33:33.919,0:33:40.000
can spend every waking minute together

0:33:36.720,0:33:41.840
and other people have other friends

0:33:40.000,0:33:43.039
um and they want to spend time with

0:33:41.840,0:33:44.799
their friends they have different

0:33:43.039,0:33:45.760
interests different activities and so

0:33:44.799,0:33:49.200
forth

0:33:45.760,0:33:51.440
and the possessive partner

0:33:49.200,0:33:53.840
feels as though you’re being disloyal to

0:33:51.440,0:33:55.200
them or that you don’t love them or they

0:33:53.840,0:33:57.840
it feels like when you give

0:33:55.200,0:33:59.120
your attention to someone else it

0:33:57.840,0:34:02.080
lessens them

0:33:59.120,0:34:04.559
so then they sort of lean on you and and

0:34:02.080,0:34:07.120
they very quickly become a guilt inducer

0:34:04.559,0:34:07.840
in the process yeah many of these can be

0:34:07.120,0:34:12.320
combined

0:34:07.840,0:34:15.679
into um one person if the toxic person

0:34:12.320,0:34:18.320
is powerful enough to use it absolutely

0:34:15.679,0:34:20.480
so we’ll take a short break and we’ll go

0:34:18.320,0:34:21.599
to how to stop some of these toxic

0:34:20.480,0:34:22.540
relationships

0:34:21.599,0:34:30.800
okay

0:34:22.540,0:34:33.280
[Music]

0:34:30.800,0:34:34.000
insights into entertainment a podcast

0:34:33.280,0:34:36.079
series taking

0:34:34.000,0:34:37.290
a deeper look into entertainment and

0:34:36.079,0:34:38.800
media

0:34:37.290,0:34:41.040
[Music]

0:34:38.800,0:34:41.839
our husband and wife team of pop culture

0:34:41.040,0:34:44.079
fanatics

0:34:41.839,0:34:44.879
are exploring all things from music and

0:34:44.079,0:34:48.800
movies

0:34:44.879,0:34:50.320
to television and fandom

0:34:48.800,0:34:54.560
we’ll look at the interesting and

0:34:50.320,0:34:54.560
obscure entertainment news of the week

0:34:54.720,0:34:58.160
we’ll talk about theme park and pop

0:34:56.720,0:35:00.079
culture news

0:34:58.160,0:35:02.800
we’ll give you the latest and greatest

0:35:00.079,0:35:05.119
on pop culture conventions

0:35:02.800,0:35:06.890
we’ll give you a deep dive into disney

0:35:05.119,0:35:09.440
star wars and much more

0:35:06.890,0:35:11.640
[Music]

0:35:09.440,0:35:12.800
check out our video episodes at

0:35:11.640,0:35:16.320
youtube.com

0:35:12.800,0:35:19.200
backslash insights into things our audio

0:35:16.320,0:35:19.200
episodes at

0:35:19.320,0:35:23.680
podcast.insightsintoentertainment.com

0:35:20.960,0:35:31.839
or check us out on the web at insights

0:35:23.680,0:35:31.839
into things.com

0:35:33.119,0:35:36.880
so one thing you must understand if

0:35:35.280,0:35:38.160
you’re trying to get out of a toxic

0:35:36.880,0:35:39.760
relationship is that

0:35:38.160,0:35:41.839
you really can’t change your toxic

0:35:39.760,0:35:44.560
partner you can’t change someone’s

0:35:41.839,0:35:47.760
decisions or how they decide to behave

0:35:44.560,0:35:49.280
but you can change yourself you can lead

0:35:47.760,0:35:51.599
yourself to behave

0:35:49.280,0:35:53.280
in different ways towards your partner

0:35:51.599,0:35:54.320
which could cause them to change their

0:35:53.280,0:35:58.640
behavior

0:35:54.320,0:36:00.560
um if you do it right so

0:35:58.640,0:36:03.040
one of the things another thing you can

0:36:00.560,0:36:05.119
do is calmly but firmly confront your

0:36:03.040,0:36:06.880
partner’s toxic behavior

0:36:05.119,0:36:09.200
you must also let them know that their

0:36:06.880,0:36:11.359
behavior is no longer acceptable

0:36:09.200,0:36:12.800
and to just alternative behaviors for

0:36:11.359,0:36:16.400
them

0:36:12.800,0:36:16.400
okay so

0:36:18.560,0:36:20.800
so

0:36:22.160,0:36:28.480
i don’t know i don’t know

0:36:25.680,0:36:30.240
i i think i i think in order to come to

0:36:28.480,0:36:30.720
that determination you kind of need to

0:36:30.240,0:36:34.400
look

0:36:30.720,0:36:36.240
at the relationship itself

0:36:34.400,0:36:37.599
find out what value you’re getting from

0:36:36.240,0:36:39.839
the relationship

0:36:37.599,0:36:41.760
and find out how much you want to invest

0:36:39.839,0:36:44.400
in a relationship

0:36:41.760,0:36:45.839
it’s possible like in the case of my mom

0:36:44.400,0:36:48.079
and dad

0:36:45.839,0:36:49.440
30 years down the line when you’ve

0:36:48.079,0:36:50.480
reached the point that you don’t want to

0:36:49.440,0:36:53.520
put up with

0:36:50.480,0:36:55.599
my father’s ridiculous rants and

0:36:53.520,0:36:56.640
and screaming you might look at that and

0:36:55.599,0:36:58.480
say well

0:36:56.640,0:37:00.320
we’ve been married for 30 years we’ve

0:36:58.480,0:37:03.760
got four children we’ve got a house

0:37:00.320,0:37:03.760
we’ve got this we’ve got that

0:37:03.839,0:37:07.520
i could i could i’ve put up with her for

0:37:05.599,0:37:08.000
30 years i can continue to put up with

0:37:07.520,0:37:09.520
it

0:37:08.000,0:37:12.079
because i don’t want to start over 30

0:37:09.520,0:37:13.119
years later whereas if you’re in a

0:37:12.079,0:37:16.320
relationship

0:37:13.119,0:37:18.480
in the early stages you may decide well

0:37:16.320,0:37:20.000
i don’t really want to spend the rest of

0:37:18.480,0:37:22.079
my life with someone who’s going to make

0:37:20.000,0:37:23.920
me feel miserable

0:37:22.079,0:37:25.680
and based on that you determine whether

0:37:23.920,0:37:27.119
or not you want to try and change the

0:37:25.680,0:37:31.520
relationship

0:37:27.119,0:37:34.240
so you kind of have to evaluate

0:37:31.520,0:37:36.000
the value you place on your partner and

0:37:34.240,0:37:37.760
the value that you place on the

0:37:36.000,0:37:38.480
relationship and what you’ve invested in

0:37:37.760,0:37:41.760
it

0:37:38.480,0:37:44.560
and determine is it worth saving

0:37:41.760,0:37:45.520
if it is what kind of effort do i have

0:37:44.560,0:37:48.160
to put into saving

0:37:45.520,0:37:51.040
what do i have to put up with what have

0:37:48.160,0:37:52.720
i put up with and what do i need to do

0:37:51.040,0:37:55.119
in order to correct things

0:37:52.720,0:37:56.079
because you have to remember just

0:37:55.119,0:37:58.000
because

0:37:56.079,0:37:59.280
your partner may fall into one of these

0:37:58.000,0:38:04.000
toxic

0:37:59.280,0:38:07.599
categories you might as well because

0:38:04.000,0:38:10.400
everyone has flaws so if you’re

0:38:07.599,0:38:12.000
toxic in your own way you may be

0:38:10.400,0:38:15.040
contributing to their own

0:38:12.000,0:38:16.720
toxicity of your partner so

0:38:15.040,0:38:18.320
if you find yourself in a toxic

0:38:16.720,0:38:20.960
relationship find out if you

0:38:18.320,0:38:22.000
feel like you know you can validate

0:38:20.960,0:38:23.760
whether or not you

0:38:22.000,0:38:27.359
fall into any of these categories and

0:38:23.760,0:38:29.119
then try to improve yourself

0:38:27.359,0:38:30.560
you make a very valid point that you’re

0:38:29.119,0:38:33.760
not going to change

0:38:30.560,0:38:35.680
your partner people do change

0:38:33.760,0:38:37.040
and they have to have a good reason for

0:38:35.680,0:38:39.680
changing yeah

0:38:37.040,0:38:40.240
and if they feel that the relationship

0:38:39.680,0:38:42.880
itself

0:38:40.240,0:38:43.760
is in jeopardy they may decide that the

0:38:42.880,0:38:47.599
relationship

0:38:43.760,0:38:49.839
and the partner is worth changing for

0:38:47.599,0:38:52.000
and making that effort and taking those

0:38:49.839,0:38:54.720
extra steps

0:38:52.000,0:38:54.720
people are

0:38:55.119,0:39:00.240
um habitual by nature

0:38:58.400,0:39:02.160
you know people fall into these habits

0:39:00.240,0:39:03.200
and they they always seem to fall back

0:39:02.160,0:39:06.160
into these ruts

0:39:03.200,0:39:08.079
where they’re comfortable and sometimes

0:39:06.160,0:39:10.240
a relationship is about

0:39:08.079,0:39:11.839
shaking things up and taking people out

0:39:10.240,0:39:14.079
of that comfort zone and letting them

0:39:11.839,0:39:17.280
know that the effect

0:39:14.079,0:39:18.640
that their level of comfort has on other

0:39:17.280,0:39:22.000
people

0:39:18.640,0:39:24.480
is detrimental and sometimes

0:39:22.000,0:39:26.079
illustrating to that that to people is

0:39:24.480,0:39:29.119
enough to make them

0:39:26.079,0:39:30.720
change or at least be more cognizant

0:39:29.119,0:39:32.800
you can’t expect to just completely

0:39:30.720,0:39:36.000
change people overnight

0:39:32.800,0:39:38.640
but you know people people can learn

0:39:36.000,0:39:39.599
so you really have to determine if it’s

0:39:38.640,0:39:41.119
worth

0:39:39.599,0:39:43.119
throwing the relationship out now the

0:39:41.119,0:39:44.560
relationship is very detrimental to you

0:39:43.119,0:39:47.599
if it’s physically abusive

0:39:44.560,0:39:48.079
if it’s mentally abusive you’re probably

0:39:47.599,0:39:49.440
better off

0:39:48.079,0:39:51.760
getting out of there and getting some

0:39:49.440,0:39:53.599
distance so that you can ground yourself

0:39:51.760,0:39:55.280
even if you do decide

0:39:53.599,0:39:57.359
you want to continue a relationship you

0:39:55.280,0:39:58.480
need some distance there to heal before

0:39:57.359,0:40:01.599
you can

0:39:58.480,0:40:02.960
summon the strength to combat that

0:40:01.599,0:40:04.960
situation

0:40:02.960,0:40:06.319
yeah another thing you need to keep in

0:40:04.960,0:40:08.480
mind when you’re trying to

0:40:06.319,0:40:09.599
help out a toxic relationship you need

0:40:08.480,0:40:11.280
to believe that you need

0:40:09.599,0:40:13.359
that you deserve to be treated with

0:40:11.280,0:40:16.240
compassion courtesy

0:40:13.359,0:40:17.920
and respect if you can’t have your

0:40:16.240,0:40:20.319
partner treat you like that then you

0:40:17.920,0:40:22.319
might need to end the relationship

0:40:20.319,0:40:24.800
your mental health comes first that’s

0:40:22.319,0:40:27.440
all i really need to say about this

0:40:24.800,0:40:28.640
that’s basically what this means you

0:40:27.440,0:40:30.960
need to desert

0:40:28.640,0:40:32.160
you need to believe that you deserve to

0:40:30.960,0:40:35.920
be treated

0:40:32.160,0:40:38.240
kindly with love and compassion and

0:40:35.920,0:40:39.680
if your partner can’t do that i’d

0:40:38.240,0:40:42.160
recommend it

0:40:39.680,0:40:44.800
should you should leave absolutely you

0:40:42.160,0:40:47.680
you know how you want to be treated

0:40:44.800,0:40:48.880
you know what makes you happy and and

0:40:47.680,0:40:50.839
you know what you can

0:40:48.880,0:40:52.319
provide to someone else in a

0:40:50.839,0:40:54.319
relationship

0:40:52.319,0:40:55.680
to try and offer that same thing in

0:40:54.319,0:40:57.520
return

0:40:55.680,0:40:58.880
and if the person that you’re in a

0:40:57.520,0:41:01.520
relationship with is

0:40:58.880,0:41:03.760
not interested in your well-being and

0:41:01.520,0:41:05.920
your happiness

0:41:03.760,0:41:07.440
then it’s not a relationship worth being

0:41:05.920,0:41:10.880
in like i know

0:41:07.440,0:41:12.319
you know i trust mommy implicitly

0:41:10.880,0:41:14.160
i know she’s not going to do anything

0:41:12.319,0:41:17.440
that will

0:41:14.160,0:41:19.839
outwardly harm me or bring me harm or

0:41:17.440,0:41:21.839
cause me any duress i know that she

0:41:19.839,0:41:24.000
would do anything she could

0:41:21.839,0:41:26.400
to stop that sort of thing from

0:41:24.000,0:41:29.760
happening and i’m the same way with her

0:41:26.400,0:41:32.079
you know yes there are times because of

0:41:29.760,0:41:34.079
the way that i joke around and try to

0:41:32.079,0:41:37.520
always make light of things

0:41:34.079,0:41:38.560
that i say stupid things and when i say

0:41:37.520,0:41:40.720
stupid things

0:41:38.560,0:41:42.000
and i say things that that might be

0:41:40.720,0:41:43.839
hurtful and

0:41:42.000,0:41:45.920
come to the realization afterwards i do

0:41:43.839,0:41:48.319
apologize for it

0:41:45.920,0:41:49.760
but it’s never done with the intent to

0:41:48.319,0:41:54.000
hurt

0:41:49.760,0:41:57.040
and anyone of these toxic personalities

0:41:54.000,0:41:59.760
they do things with the intent to

0:41:57.040,0:42:02.560
induce harm on you in order to get a

0:41:59.760,0:42:05.119
positive result for them

0:42:02.560,0:42:06.079
and anyone who’s willing to do that is

0:42:05.119,0:42:08.800
generally not

0:42:06.079,0:42:11.040
worth being with because they’re not

0:42:08.800,0:42:13.359
looking out for your best interests

0:42:11.040,0:42:14.160
yes so when you first try to confront

0:42:13.359,0:42:16.560
your partner

0:42:14.160,0:42:19.200
understand that they will probably

0:42:16.560,0:42:20.960
accelerate their controlling behavior

0:42:19.200,0:42:23.280
you must be able to handle whatever they

0:42:20.960,0:42:24.640
do if you need to repeat your request

0:42:23.280,0:42:26.480
then do so

0:42:24.640,0:42:28.800
if they refuse again think about

0:42:26.480,0:42:30.480
stepping away for them for 30 days like

0:42:28.800,0:42:32.640
you said taking a break

0:42:30.480,0:42:34.560
if after you repeat your request and

0:42:32.640,0:42:36.319
they still refuse then it’s time to end

0:42:34.560,0:42:39.119
the relationship

0:42:36.319,0:42:40.720
they just didn’t change but like you

0:42:39.119,0:42:43.440
said people can change

0:42:40.720,0:42:44.000
if you keep if you’re you just don’t

0:42:43.440,0:42:48.079
need

0:42:44.000,0:42:51.200
to set boundaries like

0:42:48.079,0:42:54.400
like if they still refuse then just take

0:42:51.200,0:42:58.640
30 days away and maybe they’ll decide

0:42:54.400,0:43:00.800
to change but if they

0:42:58.640,0:43:02.960
so something important to note you can’t

0:43:00.800,0:43:04.319
attempt to fix a toxic relationship

0:43:02.960,0:43:05.920
if you’re prepared to leave it that’s

0:43:04.319,0:43:07.359
the main thing you need to be prepared

0:43:05.920,0:43:09.920
to leave it

0:43:07.359,0:43:11.680
like you need to be mentally and

0:43:09.920,0:43:14.400
physically prepared

0:43:11.680,0:43:15.119
right like if you’re not prepared then

0:43:14.400,0:43:17.520
they could

0:43:15.119,0:43:18.560
like the guilt inducers can probably

0:43:17.520,0:43:20.640
just

0:43:18.560,0:43:23.119
well any of the toxic users can

0:43:20.640,0:43:26.400
guilt-induce you into staying

0:43:23.119,0:43:28.160
and you need to be prepared for that

0:43:26.400,0:43:29.520
right and the problem is is that they’ve

0:43:28.160,0:43:31.839
probably spent months

0:43:29.520,0:43:33.760
or years working on you to bring your

0:43:31.839,0:43:37.839
self-confidence down

0:43:33.760,0:43:40.560
to make you think that staying

0:43:37.839,0:43:42.240
is the better alternative where if you

0:43:40.560,0:43:43.760
leave you’re not going to find someone

0:43:42.240,0:43:45.520
that’s going to treat you as good as i

0:43:43.760,0:43:47.839
am or something like that or if you

0:43:45.520,0:43:50.079
leave you’re going to be alone

0:43:47.839,0:43:51.040
it’s that fear that these toxic

0:43:50.079,0:43:54.160
personalities

0:43:51.040,0:43:56.319
play on so

0:43:54.160,0:43:58.640
you’re right if you’re if you want to

0:43:56.319,0:44:02.160
invest the time and the effort

0:43:58.640,0:44:03.839
and the emotional energy to to solve the

0:44:02.160,0:44:06.480
problem

0:44:03.839,0:44:08.160
ultimately you have to understand and

0:44:06.480,0:44:11.760
come to terms with the fact that that

0:44:08.160,0:44:14.079
resolution may require you to walk away

0:44:11.760,0:44:16.319
from the relationship

0:44:14.079,0:44:17.839
once you’ve come to that realization

0:44:16.319,0:44:19.200
then you can go about solving the

0:44:17.839,0:44:20.160
problem because that’s one of the

0:44:19.200,0:44:23.760
solutions

0:44:20.160,0:44:25.200
yeah so there is one exception that i

0:44:23.760,0:44:27.680
definitely want to mention

0:44:25.200,0:44:28.400
if your partner physically abuses you in

0:44:27.680,0:44:30.880
any way

0:44:28.400,0:44:32.240
i wouldn’t try to fix it they might not

0:44:30.880,0:44:35.119
change from that like

0:44:32.240,0:44:36.160
mentally abusive can be fixed but

0:44:35.119,0:44:39.440
physically

0:44:36.160,0:44:42.400
like some scars may heal

0:44:39.440,0:44:43.280
others don’t that’s basically what this

0:44:42.400,0:44:46.480
is sort of saying

0:44:43.280,0:44:48.640
like meant like you can

0:44:46.480,0:44:50.880
easily fix your mental health but if the

0:44:48.640,0:44:54.000
person is physically abusive to you

0:44:50.880,0:44:56.079
and you’ve gotten many bruises from them

0:44:54.000,0:44:58.480
i wouldn’t recommend trying to fix it at

0:44:56.079,0:45:02.640
least step away for

0:44:58.480,0:45:06.000
a few months just just to get away from

0:45:02.640,0:45:09.520
that and if they do come and change

0:45:06.000,0:45:11.040
well actually um

0:45:09.520,0:45:12.800
the person who made this article

0:45:11.040,0:45:13.680
definitely said that no matter how sorry

0:45:12.800,0:45:15.520
they are

0:45:13.680,0:45:16.800
just don’t stay in the relationship your

0:45:15.520,0:45:19.280
safety comes first

0:45:16.800,0:45:21.839
and they’re right like i wouldn’t say in

0:45:19.280,0:45:22.240
any type of abusive relationship that’s

0:45:21.839,0:45:24.480
just

0:45:22.240,0:45:26.240
physically abusive that could cause

0:45:24.480,0:45:27.680
physical harm to anyone i wouldn’t

0:45:26.240,0:45:29.760
recommend staying in that relationship

0:45:27.680,0:45:32.960
no matter how sorry the person is

0:45:29.760,0:45:33.680
like i like i get again guilt they can

0:45:32.960,0:45:36.960
use it

0:45:33.680,0:45:38.640
they can and i i agree with you 100

0:45:36.960,0:45:40.079
there and the one thing that you have to

0:45:38.640,0:45:43.839
keep in mind in a

0:45:40.079,0:45:46.400
physically abusive relationship is

0:45:43.839,0:45:47.680
they’re not going to make you feel bad

0:45:46.400,0:45:50.640
emotionally

0:45:47.680,0:45:51.359
they’re going to hurt you physically and

0:45:50.640,0:45:54.240
and

0:45:51.359,0:45:55.040
physical violence in a romantic

0:45:54.240,0:45:58.960
relationship

0:45:55.040,0:46:01.760
can quickly escalate to dangerous levels

0:45:58.960,0:46:02.160
and especially when there’s a threat of

0:46:01.760,0:46:05.280
you

0:46:02.160,0:46:07.440
ending that relationship that could

0:46:05.280,0:46:09.359
very easily send someone who’s already

0:46:07.440,0:46:12.079
demonstrated their willingness to use

0:46:09.359,0:46:14.240
physical violence on you it could move

0:46:12.079,0:46:16.400
them to escalate that physical violence

0:46:14.240,0:46:19.920
to something even worse

0:46:16.400,0:46:22.240
so in the event of physical abuse

0:46:19.920,0:46:23.280
you need to get out of that relationship

0:46:22.240,0:46:26.319
immediately

0:46:23.280,0:46:28.400
yes i would even venture to say that you

0:46:26.319,0:46:29.280
need legal protection at that point as

0:46:28.400,0:46:30.960
well

0:46:29.280,0:46:33.440
because just walking away from that

0:46:30.960,0:46:34.079
relationship depending on how aggressive

0:46:33.440,0:46:36.560
they are

0:46:34.079,0:46:37.359
physically walking away from that

0:46:36.560,0:46:39.280
relationship

0:46:37.359,0:46:42.400
could put you in more danger if you

0:46:39.280,0:46:45.440
don’t take the necessary precautions

0:46:42.400,0:46:47.760
restraining orders court orders you know

0:46:45.440,0:46:48.960
having the police involved you never

0:46:47.760,0:46:50.960
want to see a relationship

0:46:48.960,0:46:53.280
get to that point unfortunately it

0:46:50.960,0:46:56.480
happens quite frequently

0:46:53.280,0:46:57.040
so understand that before you do walk

0:46:56.480,0:46:59.040
away

0:46:57.040,0:47:02.079
make sure you have those protections in

0:46:59.040,0:47:04.240
place so that they can’t escalate your

0:47:02.079,0:47:06.160
your partner cannot escalate that

0:47:04.240,0:47:09.680
violent part of the relationship

0:47:06.160,0:47:11.520
yes i definitely agree so if you are in

0:47:09.680,0:47:13.440
any kind of toxic relationship

0:47:11.520,0:47:14.800
whether it be family friends or your

0:47:13.440,0:47:16.560
significant other

0:47:14.800,0:47:17.920
it’s important to do something about it

0:47:16.560,0:47:19.280
you shouldn’t stay in that toxic

0:47:17.920,0:47:21.680
relationship

0:47:19.280,0:47:22.319
it can be talking to the toxic person or

0:47:21.680,0:47:25.680
seeking

0:47:22.319,0:47:26.079
outside help from others like any of

0:47:25.680,0:47:28.640
your

0:47:26.079,0:47:31.119
healthy friend relationships or maybe

0:47:28.640,0:47:34.720
even going to see a therapist or

0:47:31.119,0:47:36.319
um counseling just know that you don’t

0:47:34.720,0:47:37.359
have to be stuck in that relationship

0:47:36.319,0:47:39.440
forever

0:47:37.359,0:47:40.720
there is always some way out of it you

0:47:39.440,0:47:42.559
should take control of the toxic

0:47:40.720,0:47:43.119
relationship if it’s hurting you in any

0:47:42.559,0:47:46.480
way

0:47:43.119,0:47:50.559
it might not be easy but it’s possible

0:47:46.480,0:47:53.680
very well said yep so

0:47:50.559,0:47:55.280
that is all we have for today um we’ll

0:47:53.680,0:47:57.920
take a small

0:47:55.280,0:47:58.960
we’ll come back with my closing remarks

0:47:57.920,0:47:59.990
and shout outs

0:47:58.960,0:48:05.119
sounds good

0:47:59.990,0:48:08.480
[Music]

0:48:05.119,0:48:10.400
go for your closing remarks so i kind of

0:48:08.480,0:48:12.640
already said this before

0:48:10.400,0:48:14.480
thanks i kind of already said this

0:48:12.640,0:48:16.880
before but

0:48:14.480,0:48:17.839
if you are in any toxic relationship

0:48:16.880,0:48:21.599
just know

0:48:17.839,0:48:24.000
there’ll be a way out of it you can

0:48:21.599,0:48:24.880
you can but you have to be prepared

0:48:24.000,0:48:27.599
mentally

0:48:24.880,0:48:29.760
to leave the relationship if necessary

0:48:27.599,0:48:31.119
having a toxic partner being super

0:48:29.760,0:48:34.960
controlling

0:48:31.119,0:48:38.040
um is kind of hard to leave because

0:48:34.960,0:48:39.680
guilt is a very powerful thing many

0:48:38.040,0:48:42.319
people

0:48:39.680,0:48:43.280
emotional and mental manipulators use

0:48:42.319,0:48:45.760
guilt

0:48:43.280,0:48:46.960
in order to stay in that relationship so

0:48:45.760,0:48:50.480
that you

0:48:46.960,0:48:52.319
stay under control just please if you’re

0:48:50.480,0:48:54.720
in any toxic relationship

0:48:52.319,0:48:56.480
do seek some help and get out of that

0:48:54.720,0:48:59.520
relationship if you need to

0:48:56.480,0:49:02.880
or if you can fix it please

0:48:59.520,0:49:05.920
fix it okay very good

0:49:02.880,0:49:08.880
i think that was all we had today uh

0:49:05.920,0:49:10.800
before we go i would invite people to

0:49:08.880,0:49:11.680
check out our long form articles on

0:49:10.800,0:49:14.400
medium

0:49:11.680,0:49:15.920
and medium.com slash insights into

0:49:14.400,0:49:18.480
things

0:49:15.920,0:49:19.599
i would also encourage you to subscribe

0:49:18.480,0:49:22.960
to our podcast

0:49:19.599,0:49:25.520
we are on apple podcast spotify

0:49:22.960,0:49:26.319
google podcast stitcher i heart radio

0:49:25.520,0:49:28.880
we’re now on

0:49:26.319,0:49:31.839
amazon’s podcast as well we recently

0:49:28.880,0:49:31.839
listed on there

0:49:31.920,0:49:37.040
i would also uh ask that you give us

0:49:35.200,0:49:38.319
some of your feedback we’d love to hear

0:49:37.040,0:49:40.720
from you

0:49:38.319,0:49:42.160
on topics that we’re discussing did you

0:49:40.720,0:49:44.000
have any thoughts did you have any

0:49:42.160,0:49:46.960
topics you’d like to hear us talk

0:49:44.000,0:49:49.520
about you can email us at comments

0:49:46.960,0:49:52.160
insights into things.com

0:49:49.520,0:49:54.000
you can get us on twitter at insights

0:49:52.160,0:49:56.480
underscore things

0:49:54.000,0:49:57.119
you can get all of our videos hi-res

0:49:56.480,0:50:00.240
videos

0:49:57.119,0:50:04.800
on youtube at youtube.com

0:50:00.240,0:50:07.520
insights into things our audio podcasts

0:50:04.800,0:50:07.520
are available at

0:50:07.720,0:50:11.119
podcast.insightsinentertainment.i’m

0:50:08.720,0:50:13.760
sorry insights into teens.com

0:50:11.119,0:50:15.520
entertainment’s our other show yep uh

0:50:13.760,0:50:16.880
you can also get us on facebook at

0:50:15.520,0:50:20.079
facebook.com

0:50:16.880,0:50:22.079
insights into things podcast when you

0:50:20.079,0:50:25.119
are looking to subscribe

0:50:22.079,0:50:28.400
uh our audio podcast can be found

0:50:25.119,0:50:29.280
under insights into teens and our video

0:50:28.400,0:50:32.240
podcasts

0:50:29.280,0:50:33.440
can all be found under insights into

0:50:32.240,0:50:35.839
things

0:50:33.440,0:50:38.640
and you can get us six days a week

0:50:35.839,0:50:40.559
streaming on twitch at twitch.tv slash

0:50:38.640,0:50:43.520
insights into things

0:50:40.559,0:50:43.839
or conveniently enough you can get links

0:50:43.520,0:50:48.400
to

0:50:43.839,0:50:48.400
all those things on our website at

0:50:48.520,0:50:53.440
http://www.insightsintothings.com

0:50:50.079,0:50:55.200
and you and don’t forget to get

0:50:53.440,0:50:56.800
and don’t forget to check out our other

0:50:55.200,0:50:57.599
two podcast insights in the

0:50:56.800,0:51:00.240
entertainment

0:50:57.599,0:51:02.400
hosted by you and mommy and insight into

0:51:00.240,0:51:03.839
tomorrow our monthly podcast hosted by

0:51:02.400,0:51:06.240
you and my brother sam

0:51:03.839,0:51:07.599
very good that’s it another one in the

0:51:06.240,0:51:08.660
books bye everyone

0:51:07.599,0:51:31.129
bye

0:51:08.660,0:51:31.129
[Music]

0:51:34.839,0:51:39.440
so

0:51:37.359,0:51:39.440
you

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.