Insights Into Teens: Episode 74 “Family Problems”

Insights Into Things

This week we’re discussing some of the more common problems that teens face at home with their family. First we’ll discuss typical friction points between teens and their parents like teen independence, arguing with your parents, a lack of communication between teens and parents and the need for parents to set boundaries and teens to push those boundaries.

We’ll also look at how troubles in the home can cause issues for teens. How do parents who are experiencing interpersonal issues and the arguments that inevitably rise from that affect teens. We’ll talk about the academic pressures and the frictions failing in those expectations can cause. We’ll explore sibling rivalry and how teens competing against each other can be both a benefit and a hindrance.

Finally we’ll talk about ways to combat some of this problems and discuss how to help teens get through these troubling but some times unavoidable scenarios. Learning to negotiate, listen and work as a team are key techniques to solving these problems.

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Show Notes
  • Introductions
    • Insights Into Teens Episode 74 “Family Problems”
    • My observant and talented co-host Madison Whalen

[TRANSITION]

  • Common problems between teens and parents
    • https://teens.lovetoknow.com/Parent_Teenager_Problems
    • https://bit.ly/3haRJFt 
      • Asserting Independence
        • Teens are striving to find independence anyway they can.
        • From fashion to activities, teens want to control their lives.
        • Since teens are trying to learn how to be an adult and navigate the world without parental supervision, this is a common problem to arise.
        • Keeping the balance between letting your child make choices and keeping them safe is like walking a never ending tightrope.
        • Lean too far either way and you’re bound to lose.
        • To help keep balance, talk with teens and try to understand why they choose the music, clothes or activities they do.
        • Set limits that still allow teens to express themselves in safe ways like dying their hair blue or starting a garage band.
            
      • Arguing
        • Going along with asserting their independence, teens are ready to prove their point.
        • Whether they are told they can’t go out today or they need to do their homework, adolescents are ready to argue.
        • Not only do they want to discuss a perceived injustice, but many times they feel parents don’t trust them.
        • Rather than arguing, it is important to listen to your teen.
        • In a calm voice, try to understand the point that teens are trying to make and work to compromise rather than argue.
            
      • Lack of Communication
        • Many times, it feels like parents and teens are on two different planets or speaking two different languages.
        • Phrases like “you don’t understand,” or “it’s like you don’t even listen to me,” are phrases parents hear over and over.
        • Teens don’t feel that parents listen to them or understand their feelings.
        • To wander through the murky water of communication, it’s important to listen to teens.
        • Rather than blasting questions at them, make general conversation and listen to what they have to say.
        • It is also important to validate their feelings.
        • Rather than just saying, “no” listen to why they broke their curfew or want to attend that party.
            
      • Setting Boundaries
        • Boundaries are important for teens to grow up healthy and happy.
        • Teens, however, are testing their limits.
        • They are trying to push their boundaries and wade the murky waters of the adult world.
        • They want to see if parents trust them and find their limits.
        • Rather than setting unrealistic boundaries, it’s important for parents to talk with their child and set boundaries that are realistic.
        • These boundaries like curfew and cell phone use should be enforced consistently.
        • However, if rules are broken, you need to listen and understand why they were broke and modify the consequences based on that.

[AD 1: SSE]

  • Common issues that teenagers and family face
    • http://www.teensadvisor.com/teen-families.html
    • https://bit.ly/2CoBAxq
      • Parental Arguments
      • Troubles in school
      • Sibling rivalry
          
    • Parental Arguments
      • When Your Parents Fight
        • It is normal for parents to fight with each other.
        • These fights may be about money, the future, or chores around the house.
        • When parents have a disagreement, that does not include yelling at each other or raising their voices they are having an argument.
        • When the arguments get louder – they could be called fights.
        • These fights can be loud and things can be said that aren’t the nicest – and this can be scary for a kid or teen who is listening.
        • Sometimes, as a member of the family, a teen or child may feel that they had some part in creating the fight between the parents.
        • It is important for children to know that these fights and arguments are part of any healthy relationship.
            
      • What Does their Fighting Mean?
        • A teen or child may think that because their parents yell and scream at each other and have a fight that they do not love each other anymore or that they are going to get a divorce.
        • Often this is not the case.
        • Although parents may yell and say things that are mean to each other – they often regret this later on and apologize after they have worked it all out.
            
      • How does it affect me?
        • It is normal for a teen or child to feel upset when they hear their parents fighting.
        • They may feel upset, sad, angry at one or both of the parents or fearful of what the fight may mean.
        • This may end up interfering with the school work and social activities of the child.
            
      • Fighting Is Healthy!
        • In a happy healthy family fights occur.
        • Fights are a way for people to let out their feelings and keep from letting what bothers them stay all bottled up.
        • And in the end the people fighting usually come to an understanding of each other and feel closer.
            
      • Troubles in School
        Your teen is going through a lot of changes when they begin high-school. These changes may have an impact on their functioning both academically and socially. Here are some ways to make sure that these changes don’t have detrimental long-term effects.
          
      • Have you teens grades fallen?
        • You should talk to a teacher and try to discover the reasons.
        • It could be that your teen needs more time and structure devoted to school work at home.
        • Consider a temporary dip in grades as part of his/her adjustment if he/she has just started junior high or high school.
        • But if the drop in grades is dramatic and sudden, it may be a sign that your teen is depressed, abusing drugs or alcohol, or in some other kind of trouble.
        • Talk to your teen, with school officials, and, if need be, with a family counselor or psychotherapist to find ways to help.
        • If your teen has trouble making friends, listen and help him find ways to make contact with others (for example, participate in extracurricular activities or youth activities) to give him/her more confidence and more joy in his/her life.
        • If your teen isn’t interested in school, your interest and involvement may help to make a difference.
        • Participate in PTA activities, go to school games, encourage him/her to develop school spirit.
        • When your teen sees that what happens is worth interest, he/she might decide it’s worth his/her interest too.
            
      • Sibling Rivalry
        Sibling rivalry occurs when brothers and sisters fight with each other and don’t get along well. Often there is a certain amount of problems that arise out of one sibling being older than the other and being able to do more than the younger. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of any kid or teens life.
          
      • What’s Sibling Rivalry?
        • Sibling rivalry can be a good thing.
        • Competition is a healthy thing in anyone’s lives and rivalry is common amongst siblings.
        • Everyone experiences feelings of rivalry and competition.
        • Often rivalry involves arguing.
        • Everyone argues – adults and children, husbands and wives and even friends. It is important for you to remember that although you may argue with your brother or sister you still need to be fair and supportive to them.
            
      • Siblings fight for a number of reasons.
        • They fight because they want a parent’s attention, and the parent has only so much time, attention and patience to give.
        • They fight because they are jealous: “He got a new bike. I didn’t. They must love him more than they love me.”
        • They fight over ordinary teasing which is a way of testing the effects of behavior and words on another person: “He called me…” “But she called me…first.”
        • They fight because they are growing up in a competitive society that teaches them that to win is to be better: “I saw it first.” “I beat you to the water.”


[AD 2: ENTERTAINMENT]

  • Tips for resolving family problems
    • Agreeing to negotiate
      Usually, our first angry impulse is to push the point that we are right and win the argument at any cost. Finding a peaceful resolution can be difficult, if not impossible, when both parties stubbornly stick to their guns. It helps if everyone decides as a family to try listening to each other and negotiating instead.

      Suggestions include:
      • Work out if the issue is worth fighting over.
      • Try to separate the problem from the person.
      • Try to cool off first if you feel too angry to talk calmly.
      • Keep in mind that the idea is to resolve the conflict, not win the argument.
      • Remember that the other party isn’t obliged to always agree with you on everything.
      • Define the problem and stick to the topic.
      • Respect the other person’s point of view by paying attention and listening.
      • Talk clearly and reasonably.
      • Try to find points of common ground.
      • Agree to disagree.
          
    • Try to listen
      Conflict can escalate when the people involved are too angry to listen to each other. Misunderstandings fuel arguments.

      Suggestions include:
      • Try to stay calm.
      • Try to put emotions aside.
      • Don’t interrupt the other person while they are speaking.
      • Actively listen to what they are saying and what they mean.
      • Check that you understand them by asking questions.
      • Communicate your side of the story clearly and honestly.
      • Resist the urge to bring up other unresolved but unrelated issues.
          
    • Work as a team
      Once both parties understand the views and feelings of the other, you can work out a solution together.

      Suggestions include:
      • Come up with as many possible solutions as you can.
      • Be willing to compromise.
      • Make sure everyone clearly understands the chosen solution.
      • Once the solution is decided on, stick to it.
      • Write it down as a ‘contract’, if necessary.
          
    • Professional advice
      There are services available to help family members work through difficult issues of conflict. Seek professional advice if you think you need some assistance.

[TRANSITION]

  • Closing Remarks and Shoutouts
Transcription

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insightful podcasts

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by informative hosts

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[Music]

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insights into things a podcast network

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[Music]

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welcome to insights into teens a podcast

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series

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exploring the issues and challenges of

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today’s youth

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your hosts are joseph and madison whalen

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a father and daughter team

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making their way through the challenges

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of the teenage years

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[Applause]

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welcome to insights into teens this is

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episode 74 family

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problems i’m your host joseph whalen and

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my observant and talented co-host

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madison whalen hi everyone how you doing

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today maddie

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pretty good so today’s topic is kind of

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an offshoot

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from our q a session of last week

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i think a lot of the things we’re going

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to talk about here

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are things that you probably don’t

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experience thankfully

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but they are legitimate issues that

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teens do face

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and they are challenges that teens do

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tend to face

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so we’re going to be talking about

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common problems

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that teens and parents have such as

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arguing and lack of communication

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and stuff then we’ll also talk about

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issues that teens face with

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just family issues in general such as

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parents arguing

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or troubles in school or sibling rivalry

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stuff like that

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[Music]

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and then we’re going to talk about tips

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on how to maybe resolve some of those as

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well to try to help

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help kids out so i don’t think

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a lot of these apply to you from a

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first-hand experience standpoint

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which is good but i’d like to get your

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perspective on them

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and if you have any anecdotes of

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friends of yours that you may be aware

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of that are going through some of these

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that might

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actually help to lend some

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frame of reference to the topic as well

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alrighty

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so are we ready to get going sure thing

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all right here we go

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[Music]

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so the research i did here came from a

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website called

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love2no.com and they talk about common

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problems between

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teens and their parents and the first

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one that they talk about here is one

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that we’ve talked about on the podcast

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before

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and that is asserting independence they

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say

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teens are striving to find independence

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any way they can

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now before we go any further than that

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let me ask you

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how do you feel about your own

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independence do you feel

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you are free to exercise it do you think

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mommy and daddy smother you a little too

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much with

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control how do you think you feel about

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your own independence

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honestly right now i think i’m good i

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don’t think i need

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any more independence right now because

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that leaves more responsibilities on me

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that i don’t think i’m ready to handle

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just yet

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um and i definitely don’t think i need

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any

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less independence i’m at a pretty good

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standpoint right now

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you guys aren’t smothering me with

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control or

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like us but i mean now you guys are

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still

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i mean you guys are still worried about

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me especially

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with everything going on um you’re not

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gonna send me to

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um you’re not going to send me into the

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school this year

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you’ve we’ve just decided on that i’m

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not going into school this year so

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i’m going to be homeschooling this year

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hopefully

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by the time i get to be

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um a freshman in high school i might be

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able to go back

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so what about the less critical things

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like they talk about

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fashion and activities teens want to

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have control of their own lives

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how do you feel about

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those types of personal decisions you

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know do you feel that mommy and daddy

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kind of

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impose our will or do you have the

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freedom to pick your clothes and

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pick the types of activities that you

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want to do and stuff well

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i do have a good example for the

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clothing um

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when i was younger i would never like

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going to picture day because mario would

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make me wear a dress

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have my hair in a fashion i didn’t

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really like

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and over time i started to realize that

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this wasn’t what i wanted to look like

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as with a photo like i saw other people

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dressing all fancy and then there were

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some people that really didn’t see

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like especially in middle school there

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were some people that really didn’t seem

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to care what they wore

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and i realized that i didn’t really want

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to wear a dress

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i didn’t want to wear anything fancy

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because

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you don’t like wearing dresses right

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yeah i just think wearing dresses and

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skirts is just not my preference i also

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don’t like wearing

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any other shoes besides sneakers or

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boots well actually just mainly sneakers

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nothing really else um and

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at one and i also hated having my hair

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done any other way which is why i do it

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now

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um so i ended up telling you guys about

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it

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and you guys did come up with

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compromises

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um we had to come up with compromises

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because

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um some fancy gatherings where i would

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have to wear something fancy

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like at my sixth grade graduation i

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didn’t really want to wear anything

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fancy although we would technically

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permit it to

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so we went out to buy clothing then i

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actually felt comfortable

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in like a florally shirt and

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just some white shorts and in and we put

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my hair in a

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um ponytail or braid i don’t remember

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which one because i mainly

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preference for ponytails and braids and

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we compromised so that my hair wouldn’t

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have to be

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um down or in the style i didn’t like

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and um now i’m able to pick whatever

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clothes i really want to wear

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and on the last um on the latest picture

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day mommy just gave me a

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and i just was honestly the best picture

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day i had because mommy just put out

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like a space cat shirt t-shirt and some

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shorts

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and i’m like yes i don’t have to wear a

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dress or anything fancy

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like it wasn’t remotely fancy and i

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really kind of liked that

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well that’s good and it sounds like

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you’re concerned more

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are along the lines of

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practical and comfort rather than

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fashion and

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and you know looking nice pretty much

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and

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i think you really get that from daddy

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because i’m the type of person

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i mean you see how i dress on the

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podcast here it’s really about

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being comfortable i hate getting dressed

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up i own

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one suit and that’s about it

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you know and i that suit goes on

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for uh funerals weddings and job

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interviews and that’s pretty much the

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only time i wear a suit

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i used to have to get dressed up for

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work a long time ago

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and i tolerated it because they paid me

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for it but

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that’s just not the type of person i am

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yeah i see that

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so it sounds like we’ve come past the

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point

0:07:50.720,0:07:56.639
of robbing you of that independence

0:07:53.759,0:07:56.960
we went through a compromise phase and

0:07:56.639,0:07:59.520
it

0:07:56.960,0:08:01.280
kind of sounds like you got you’re

0:07:59.520,0:08:03.120
you’re

0:08:01.280,0:08:05.199
kind of allowed to do your own thing at

0:08:03.120,0:08:08.160
this point is would that be correct

0:08:05.199,0:08:09.599
i mean yeah you guys um now you still

0:08:08.160,0:08:12.319
want me to be safe

0:08:09.599,0:08:12.960
um so you don’t really let me go out and

0:08:12.319,0:08:16.800
let but

0:08:12.960,0:08:17.759
just well you let me go out but only if

0:08:16.800,0:08:21.039
it’s safe

0:08:17.759,0:08:23.759
like i’m i’ve been out um

0:08:21.039,0:08:25.120
during this whole thing but it was safe

0:08:23.759,0:08:28.960
i would wear a mask

0:08:25.120,0:08:31.199
and we’d stay away from people um

0:08:28.960,0:08:33.120
so we were being safe when we went out

0:08:31.199,0:08:34.159
but there are things that you guys don’t

0:08:33.120,0:08:35.919
want me to do

0:08:34.159,0:08:39.039
for instance school you guys don’t want

0:08:35.919,0:08:41.039
me to do that and considering that

0:08:39.039,0:08:42.959
and there was a good thing with the fact

0:08:41.039,0:08:44.399
that i didn’t really do any after school

0:08:42.959,0:08:46.320
activities because we don’t have to

0:08:44.399,0:08:48.160
worry about that now because

0:08:46.320,0:08:49.760
some like sports are starting to start

0:08:48.160,0:08:52.880
up now for the new school year

0:08:49.760,0:08:54.800
so we didn’t have to worry about that um

0:08:52.880,0:08:57.440
i know you mentioned activities as one

0:08:54.800,0:09:00.880
of the things as well as fashion so

0:08:57.440,0:09:01.600
for activities i think that where you

0:09:00.880,0:09:05.120
guys are

0:09:01.600,0:09:06.160
pretty d uh you guys uh are really

0:09:05.120,0:09:09.920
supportive of me

0:09:06.160,0:09:12.959
you guys really like the fact that i

0:09:09.920,0:09:14.480
um that i’m as creative as i am

0:09:12.959,0:09:16.959
you guys like the fact that i make

0:09:14.480,0:09:19.360
stories and i draw the characters and i

0:09:16.959,0:09:20.640
have good character design and now i’m

0:09:19.360,0:09:22.080
even taking one of my

0:09:20.640,0:09:23.680
apps that i create characters on

0:09:22.080,0:09:26.880
goshalife and making them

0:09:23.680,0:09:30.240
into little um movies based on

0:09:26.880,0:09:32.480
it based on different um themes so

0:09:30.240,0:09:33.839
very good so we’re giving you your

0:09:32.480,0:09:36.080
independence there then

0:09:33.839,0:09:37.360
yep so the next thing that they talk

0:09:36.080,0:09:40.560
about being an issue was

0:09:37.360,0:09:42.399
arguing now you and i play argue yep

0:09:40.560,0:09:44.000
but they say going along with asserting

0:09:42.399,0:09:46.560
their independence teens

0:09:44.000,0:09:48.560
are ready to prove their point whether

0:09:46.560,0:09:50.320
they’re told they can’t go out today or

0:09:48.560,0:09:53.600
they need to do their homework

0:09:50.320,0:09:55.040
adolescents are ready to argue not only

0:09:53.600,0:09:58.560
do they want to discuss

0:09:55.040,0:09:59.040
a perceived injustice but many times

0:09:58.560,0:10:01.279
they feel

0:09:59.040,0:10:03.120
parents don’t trust them do we do you

0:10:01.279,0:10:05.920
think we trust you

0:10:03.120,0:10:07.519
i mean yeah you guys have given me lots

0:10:05.920,0:10:09.279
of independence especially during the

0:10:07.519,0:10:12.320
middle school year you guys

0:10:09.279,0:10:14.880
let me cook food for you you guys

0:10:12.320,0:10:16.079
um trusted that i wouldn’t destroy the

0:10:14.880,0:10:19.279
house

0:10:16.079,0:10:20.240
and um i don’t think we really argue on

0:10:19.279,0:10:21.760
anything

0:10:20.240,0:10:23.680
um besides the little play fights

0:10:21.760,0:10:26.000
honestly the play fights

0:10:23.680,0:10:28.880
really don’t have a lot to do with our

0:10:26.000,0:10:31.120
overall family relationship i mean just

0:10:28.880,0:10:32.000
yesterday at dinner we were talk we were

0:10:31.120,0:10:34.320
arguing about

0:10:32.000,0:10:35.680
what kills with bacon and what doesn’t

0:10:34.320,0:10:37.680
go with bacon

0:10:35.680,0:10:39.839
so i’m pretty sure that doesn’t have to

0:10:37.680,0:10:41.040
deal with our relationship or anything

0:10:39.839,0:10:42.640
like that

0:10:41.040,0:10:45.519
now and i think a lot of the

0:10:42.640,0:10:49.839
quote-unquote arguing that we do

0:10:45.519,0:10:53.440
it’s more along the lines of

0:10:49.839,0:10:54.880
teaching you how to have a logical

0:10:53.440,0:10:58.399
discussion

0:10:54.880,0:11:00.640
you know we pose questions or problems

0:10:58.399,0:11:01.760
and then you pose counter arguments and

0:11:00.640,0:11:05.279
that

0:11:01.760,0:11:06.880
dynamic allows us to kind of

0:11:05.279,0:11:08.720
coach you and how to have these

0:11:06.880,0:11:10.399
conversations with other people without

0:11:08.720,0:11:12.160
actually arguing

0:11:10.399,0:11:14.160
you know they’re they’re kind of

0:11:12.160,0:11:17.360
structured debates that we do

0:11:14.160,0:11:20.320
that are ad hoc and on the fly yeah

0:11:17.360,0:11:22.079
and uh they’re kind of fun yep so the

0:11:20.320,0:11:25.680
next thing that they talk about is a

0:11:22.079,0:11:28.000
lack of communication many times

0:11:25.680,0:11:29.839
it feels like parents and teens are on

0:11:28.000,0:11:31.600
two different planets or speaking two

0:11:29.839,0:11:34.240
different languages

0:11:31.600,0:11:36.000
phrases like you don’t understand or

0:11:34.240,0:11:37.360
it’s like you don’t even listen to me or

0:11:36.000,0:11:39.760
phrases parents hear

0:11:37.360,0:11:41.360
over and over now i have to say i don’t

0:11:39.760,0:11:44.000
hear that very often from you

0:11:41.360,0:11:46.320
so i think that is a sign for doing

0:11:44.000,0:11:49.200
something right

0:11:46.320,0:11:50.800
they say teens don’t feel that parents

0:11:49.200,0:11:52.240
listen to them or understand their

0:11:50.800,0:11:54.480
feelings

0:11:52.240,0:11:56.000
to wander through the murky water of

0:11:54.480,0:11:57.839
communication it’s important

0:11:56.000,0:11:59.200
to listen to teens do you think mommy

0:11:57.839,0:12:01.120
and daddy listen to you

0:11:59.200,0:12:03.200
i mean yeah whenever i come home

0:12:01.120,0:12:04.240
whenever i went home with a problem from

0:12:03.200,0:12:07.040
school

0:12:04.240,0:12:07.600
you guys would let me talk about it and

0:12:07.040,0:12:11.120
um

0:12:07.600,0:12:12.160
you take your um work the problem

0:12:11.120,0:12:15.120
solution

0:12:12.160,0:12:17.839
and you’d help me work and you’d

0:12:15.120,0:12:19.760
basically help me work out the problem

0:12:17.839,0:12:21.440
um so i definitely think you guys listen

0:12:19.760,0:12:25.839
to me and you understand me

0:12:21.440,0:12:25.839
okay well that’s a good sign

0:12:25.920,0:12:29.600
so the next thing i talk about is

0:12:27.760,0:12:33.040
setting boundaries

0:12:29.600,0:12:35.360
so boundaries are important for teens

0:12:33.040,0:12:36.160
to grow up healthy and happy teens

0:12:35.360,0:12:38.720
however are

0:12:36.160,0:12:40.079
testing their limits they’re trying to

0:12:38.720,0:12:42.480
push their boundaries

0:12:40.079,0:12:43.920
and wade the murky waters of the adult

0:12:42.480,0:12:47.440
world

0:12:43.920,0:12:50.480
do we put boundaries on you i mean

0:12:47.440,0:12:52.079
as long as well i’m pretty sure i’ve

0:12:50.480,0:12:56.079
talked about this kind

0:12:52.079,0:12:56.959
now the way that you guys want me to do

0:12:56.079,0:12:59.200
in school

0:12:56.959,0:13:01.200
does that um is that kind of represented

0:12:59.200,0:13:04.320
as a boundary sure yeah why not

0:13:01.200,0:13:05.360
so you guys want me to get um decent

0:13:04.320,0:13:07.680
grades

0:13:05.360,0:13:09.920
although i’m push i’m technically

0:13:07.680,0:13:10.800
pushing past that hoping to get straight

0:13:09.920,0:13:13.760
a’s

0:13:10.800,0:13:16.079
which at times results in emotionally

0:13:13.760,0:13:19.279
conflicting moments in which

0:13:16.079,0:13:22.480
that i put myself down

0:13:19.279,0:13:23.440
um and you guys are perfectly fine with

0:13:22.480,0:13:25.200
my grades and

0:13:23.440,0:13:28.079
even if i get a b on my report card you

0:13:25.200,0:13:30.480
guys are perfectly fine with it because

0:13:28.079,0:13:31.440
um you know i’m still trying my hardest

0:13:30.480,0:13:33.519
and

0:13:31.440,0:13:34.880
you guys care about me and i appreciate

0:13:33.519,0:13:37.680
that you guys

0:13:34.880,0:13:38.320
um aren’t forcing me to get straight a’s

0:13:37.680,0:13:41.440
you aren’t

0:13:38.320,0:13:42.000
forcing me to do entirely well in school

0:13:41.440,0:13:44.639
and do

0:13:42.000,0:13:45.680
all these extra things in order to get

0:13:44.639,0:13:48.399
straight a’s

0:13:45.680,0:13:50.079
it’s just my own preference of doing it

0:13:48.399,0:13:50.639
well and that’s a good topic to talk

0:13:50.079,0:13:53.440
about it’s

0:13:50.639,0:13:54.800
academic boundaries there’s certain

0:13:53.440,0:13:57.120
expectations

0:13:54.800,0:13:59.120
that we have of you and those

0:13:57.120,0:14:01.199
expectations are basically to be

0:13:59.120,0:14:03.199
successful in school and success doesn’t

0:14:01.199,0:14:05.440
necessarily mean straight a’s

0:14:03.199,0:14:07.760
yeah so when you come home with straight

0:14:05.440,0:14:10.720
a’s consistently like you do

0:14:07.760,0:14:11.760
you obviously exceed those expectations

0:14:10.720,0:14:14.480
so

0:14:11.760,0:14:16.880
as a result we don’t have to put

0:14:14.480,0:14:18.639
boundaries on you like we normally would

0:14:16.880,0:14:20.480
like for instance those boundaries would

0:14:18.639,0:14:23.199
be

0:14:20.480,0:14:24.880
an early bedtime so that you get enough

0:14:23.199,0:14:26.240
sleep to make sure that you perform well

0:14:24.880,0:14:29.360
in school

0:14:26.240,0:14:31.279
it might be a certain

0:14:29.360,0:14:32.480
study regimen that you have to do you

0:14:31.279,0:14:34.160
know you come home and

0:14:32.480,0:14:36.560
you do your homework and you can’t do

0:14:34.160,0:14:38.399
anything else till you do your homework

0:14:36.560,0:14:39.920
but we generally don’t have to put those

0:14:38.399,0:14:40.639
boundaries on you because you put them

0:14:39.920,0:14:43.440
on yourself

0:14:40.639,0:14:44.079
because of your own expectations yeah um

0:14:43.440,0:14:46.880
so

0:14:44.079,0:14:49.839
you kind of make it easy on us as

0:14:46.880,0:14:53.519
parents when you do that because

0:14:49.839,0:14:55.279
we don’t have to to do the bad cop

0:14:53.519,0:14:57.199
side of things you know where we’re

0:14:55.279,0:14:59.440
telling you all right dinner’s done you

0:14:57.199,0:15:01.199
sit down and you do your homework

0:14:59.440,0:15:03.600
by the time we sit down and eat dinner

0:15:01.199,0:15:05.279
homework’s already done with you

0:15:03.600,0:15:07.760
we don’t have to follow up with you on

0:15:05.279,0:15:09.920
things you are on top of things for any

0:15:07.760,0:15:13.360
projects that you have to do

0:15:09.920,0:15:14.959
any books that you have to read

0:15:13.360,0:15:16.720
anything that you have to do for school

0:15:14.959,0:15:19.839
you’re pretty much on top of it from an

0:15:16.720,0:15:21.760
academic standpoint so it

0:15:19.839,0:15:23.120
the boundaries that parents normally put

0:15:21.760,0:15:26.320
in place

0:15:23.120,0:15:27.680
don’t apply because you hold yourself to

0:15:26.320,0:15:30.880
a higher standard than

0:15:27.680,0:15:31.360
than what we hold you to and i think

0:15:30.880,0:15:33.279
that’s a

0:15:31.360,0:15:34.800
that’s a kind of a tribute to you at

0:15:33.279,0:15:38.639
that point in time

0:15:34.800,0:15:40.160
so but let’s take a quick break we’ll

0:15:38.639,0:15:42.320
come back and we’ll talk about

0:15:40.160,0:15:43.440
some of the common issues that teenagers

0:15:42.320,0:15:54.959
face with

0:15:43.440,0:15:58.000
family in general for over seven

0:15:54.959,0:15:59.040
years the second sith empire has been

0:15:58.000,0:16:02.320
the premier

0:15:59.040,0:16:02.880
community guild in the online game star

0:16:02.320,0:16:05.920
wars

0:16:02.880,0:16:06.800
the old republic with hundreds of

0:16:05.920,0:16:10.160
friendly

0:16:06.800,0:16:10.959
and helpful active members a weekly

0:16:10.160,0:16:14.079
schedule

0:16:10.959,0:16:15.120
of nightly events annual guild meet and

0:16:14.079,0:16:18.079
greets

0:16:15.120,0:16:18.480
and an active community both on the web

0:16:18.079,0:16:22.160
and

0:16:18.480,0:16:24.800
on discord the second civ empire

0:16:22.160,0:16:26.959
is more than your typical gaming group

0:16:24.800,0:16:29.680
we’re family

0:16:26.959,0:16:31.199
join us on the star forge server for

0:16:29.680,0:16:34.320
nightly events

0:16:31.199,0:16:38.160
such as operations flash points

0:16:34.320,0:16:41.360
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0:16:38.160,0:16:45.680
guild lottery and much more

0:16:41.360,0:16:45.680
visit us on the web today at

0:16:48.839,0:16:55.929
http://www.the2ndsithempire.com

0:16:50.710,0:16:55.929
[Music]

0:16:56.000,0:17:02.759
so the next set of research that i did

0:16:59.600,0:17:04.000
for this topic was from a website called

0:17:02.759,0:17:06.959
teenadvisor.com which

0:17:04.000,0:17:09.199
we’ve used several times in the past and

0:17:06.959,0:17:13.199
they talk about three

0:17:09.199,0:17:16.720
common issues that cause

0:17:13.199,0:17:19.919
friction between teens and the family

0:17:16.720,0:17:20.559
the first of those is parenting or

0:17:19.919,0:17:23.760
parental

0:17:20.559,0:17:25.919
arguments and they talk about when

0:17:23.760,0:17:26.959
parents fight it’s normal for parents to

0:17:25.919,0:17:28.799
fight with each other

0:17:26.959,0:17:31.520
it’s normal for everyone to argue with

0:17:28.799,0:17:33.840
each other at some point in time

0:17:31.520,0:17:36.880
the fights may be about money the future

0:17:33.840,0:17:39.200
chores around the house or whatever

0:17:36.880,0:17:41.600
but when parents have an agreement a

0:17:39.200,0:17:43.520
disagreement that does not

0:17:41.600,0:17:45.200
uh that does not include yelling at each

0:17:43.520,0:17:45.760
other or raising their voices they’re

0:17:45.200,0:17:49.520
having an

0:17:45.760,0:17:50.720
argument so mommy and daddy do argue

0:17:49.520,0:17:52.559
from time to time

0:17:50.720,0:17:54.880
we don’t have heated arguments we don’t

0:17:52.559,0:17:57.280
yell at each other

0:17:54.880,0:18:00.960
we don’t get really angry at each other

0:17:57.280,0:18:04.559
over these things

0:18:00.960,0:18:07.280
but in some households that does happen

0:18:04.559,0:18:07.760
and when the arguments get louder they

0:18:07.280,0:18:11.200
become

0:18:07.760,0:18:14.640
fights and i came from a household where

0:18:11.200,0:18:20.000
that was pretty common my dad

0:18:14.640,0:18:20.000
was a yeller so he had

0:18:21.120,0:18:26.960
certain expectations and if those

0:18:24.880,0:18:29.919
expectations

0:18:26.960,0:18:30.720
however unrealistic they were weren’t

0:18:29.919,0:18:33.679
met

0:18:30.720,0:18:35.679
he would get angry unfortunately he

0:18:33.679,0:18:38.080
didn’t play by his own rules sometimes

0:18:35.679,0:18:39.679
so a good example is

0:18:38.080,0:18:41.679
there was an argument that he had with

0:18:39.679,0:18:43.200
my mom where

0:18:41.679,0:18:45.919
when he ate his dinner his dinner was

0:18:43.200,0:18:48.160
cold and he yelled at my mom

0:18:45.919,0:18:50.720
for serving them cold dinner now you

0:18:48.160,0:18:55.200
have to understand

0:18:50.720,0:18:58.080
my parents were very 1950s traditional

0:18:55.200,0:18:59.600
man goes to work and provides wife stays

0:18:58.080,0:19:03.840
at home and takes care of the house

0:18:59.600,0:19:07.120
it was a very different time back then

0:19:03.840,0:19:09.679
so my father thought that my mom

0:19:07.120,0:19:11.280
failed at her job as a wife to provide

0:19:09.679,0:19:14.640
him with a hot meal

0:19:11.280,0:19:15.039
well it turns out my mother made the hot

0:19:14.640,0:19:18.160
meal

0:19:15.039,0:19:20.080
the whole family ate the hot meal but

0:19:18.160,0:19:21.440
my father who happened to be an

0:19:20.080,0:19:23.120
alcoholic

0:19:21.440,0:19:25.039
decided he wasn’t ready to eat when

0:19:23.120,0:19:27.840
dinner was served because dinner was

0:19:25.039,0:19:29.679
served the same time every day

0:19:27.840,0:19:32.480
and he decided to go next door to the

0:19:29.679,0:19:34.480
neighbor’s house and have a few beers

0:19:32.480,0:19:37.760
and a few beers turned into a few more

0:19:34.480,0:19:39.760
beers and two hours later he comes home

0:19:37.760,0:19:43.200
quite inebriated

0:19:39.760,0:19:44.720
and wanted to eat well my mom had

0:19:43.200,0:19:47.120
already finished dinner the whole family

0:19:44.720,0:19:49.679
had eaten my brothers and i had eaten

0:19:47.120,0:19:51.440
she had cleaned up the meal and she

0:19:49.679,0:19:54.320
served them what was

0:19:51.440,0:19:56.240
left over and he got angry and he yelled

0:19:54.320,0:19:59.520
at her for

0:19:56.240,0:20:02.640
and to me i thought that was

0:19:59.520,0:20:04.400
kind of idiotic because it was his own

0:20:02.640,0:20:06.720
fault

0:20:04.400,0:20:08.720
so that’s just an example of some of the

0:20:06.720,0:20:10.640
petty things that my father used to yell

0:20:08.720,0:20:14.640
about

0:20:10.640,0:20:18.159
do mommy and daddy fight based on those

0:20:14.640,0:20:20.480
criteria i mean

0:20:18.159,0:20:21.360
not normally the only times i ever hear

0:20:20.480,0:20:25.360
you guys

0:20:21.360,0:20:28.159
like like disagree with each other

0:20:25.360,0:20:30.799
they’re normally just arguments i think

0:20:28.159,0:20:34.000
it’s very rare that you guys ever really

0:20:30.799,0:20:37.600
fight like maybe once

0:20:34.000,0:20:38.320
or twice that’s happened i can’t think

0:20:37.600,0:20:41.600
of when

0:20:38.320,0:20:42.960
but right i think um i

0:20:41.600,0:20:45.760
definitely think you guys don’t fight a

0:20:42.960,0:20:49.120
lot well and and the important thing to

0:20:45.760,0:20:50.720
to understand is that arguing is healthy

0:20:49.120,0:20:52.640
[Music]

0:20:50.720,0:20:54.000
not everybody agrees all the time and an

0:20:52.640,0:20:57.919
argument really is just

0:20:54.000,0:20:57.919
a difference of of opinions

0:20:58.000,0:21:02.159
and sometimes it becomes almost a sales

0:21:01.039,0:21:04.960
pitch

0:21:02.159,0:21:06.240
you know dinner okay that’s that’s a big

0:21:04.960,0:21:08.720
argument in our house

0:21:06.240,0:21:09.919
yeah especially on the weekends mommy

0:21:08.720,0:21:12.559
will say

0:21:09.919,0:21:14.840
what do you want for dinner and oh go

0:21:12.559,0:21:18.720
get that question

0:21:14.840,0:21:21.600
and you know mommy cooks dinner

0:21:18.720,0:21:23.600
six days a week one day a week she takes

0:21:21.600,0:21:25.679
off

0:21:23.600,0:21:27.120
i’d be fine if she took two days off or

0:21:25.679,0:21:28.400
however many days she wants to take off

0:21:27.120,0:21:30.640
and we’ll we’ll figure something out

0:21:28.400,0:21:33.840
we’ll fend for ourselves

0:21:30.640,0:21:36.799
but she puts the question out there and

0:21:33.840,0:21:38.880
it’s like okay well i know that what i

0:21:36.799,0:21:40.640
want for dinner my go-to for dinner is

0:21:38.880,0:21:42.880
not going to be what she wants

0:21:40.640,0:21:44.080
well i just want to say it’s technically

0:21:42.880,0:21:46.159
two days because

0:21:44.080,0:21:47.200
we have chinese night and we order

0:21:46.159,0:21:51.120
something that’s true

0:21:47.200,0:21:53.360
that is true yeah so i know that what i

0:21:51.120,0:21:56.960
want isn’t what mommy’s going to want

0:21:53.360,0:22:00.480
because i’m pretty you and i are both

0:21:56.960,0:22:03.520
pretty selective in what we like to eat

0:22:00.480,0:22:04.480
yep mommy tends to be much more

0:22:03.520,0:22:07.840
open-minded

0:22:04.480,0:22:10.880
yeah she’s she likes change you and me

0:22:07.840,0:22:13.360
we’re not into that no no i could eat

0:22:10.880,0:22:14.159
cheese steak for dinner every day of the

0:22:13.360,0:22:16.240
weekend

0:22:14.159,0:22:17.360
from now until the end of time and be

0:22:16.240,0:22:20.799
happy with it

0:22:17.360,0:22:23.280
yeah mommy likes to change things up yep

0:22:20.799,0:22:24.559
but the advantage to that is she’s very

0:22:23.280,0:22:27.120
flexible and what

0:22:24.559,0:22:27.679
she’ll eat too you know if mommy wants

0:22:27.120,0:22:30.559
to have

0:22:27.679,0:22:32.240
thai food for dinner well i’m kind of

0:22:30.559,0:22:35.200
left out there because i don’t eat thai

0:22:32.240,0:22:36.480
yeah and then if she wants to have sushi

0:22:35.200,0:22:38.080
well i’m kind of left out there because

0:22:36.480,0:22:38.960
i don’t need to so it’s like you know

0:22:38.080,0:22:41.760
that

0:22:38.960,0:22:42.480
i i recognize the fact that i’m i’m the

0:22:41.760,0:22:46.080
problem

0:22:42.480,0:22:46.960
here so she’ll ask what do you want for

0:22:46.080,0:22:50.159
dinner

0:22:46.960,0:22:53.120
and i’ll be like i want a cheesesteak

0:22:50.159,0:22:53.679
and she’ll be like all right i don’t and

0:22:53.120,0:22:56.159
then

0:22:53.679,0:22:57.760
it starts four hours of debate which is

0:22:56.159,0:22:58.400
why we usually have this conversation

0:22:57.760,0:23:01.760
starting

0:22:58.400,0:23:03.600
shortly after lunch but by the time we

0:23:01.760,0:23:05.200
we kind of come to the conclusion it’s

0:23:03.600,0:23:07.679
about dinner time yeah

0:23:05.200,0:23:09.360
and one thing that does happen sometimes

0:23:07.679,0:23:11.360
when we used to go out

0:23:09.360,0:23:12.880
like where do you want to eat that’s a

0:23:11.360,0:23:14.559
whole debate like we don’t even figure

0:23:12.880,0:23:16.559
out where we’re gonna eat by the time

0:23:14.559,0:23:18.000
like we know that we’re going to go out

0:23:16.559,0:23:20.720
to eat like

0:23:18.000,0:23:22.880
well and and there’s certain advantages

0:23:20.720,0:23:26.080
to that there was the one time that

0:23:22.880,0:23:27.200
we got in the car and mommy was like

0:23:26.080,0:23:29.840
where do you want to go for dinner i’m

0:23:27.200,0:23:31.679
like go that way

0:23:29.840,0:23:33.520
and we got the car and we drove and we

0:23:31.679,0:23:35.039
drove until we found something and we

0:23:33.520,0:23:37.280
found

0:23:35.039,0:23:39.200
a restaurant that we all really like

0:23:37.280,0:23:40.640
called chiantis and

0:23:39.200,0:23:42.320
you know we’ve been back to there many

0:23:40.640,0:23:43.760
times we were very lucky with that so it

0:23:42.320,0:23:44.400
was kind of one of those adventurous

0:23:43.760,0:23:48.080
times

0:23:44.400,0:23:49.440
yep but that adventurous spirit kind of

0:23:48.080,0:23:50.080
saved us from having to have that

0:23:49.440,0:23:55.279
argument

0:23:50.080,0:23:59.279
yeah so arguments are really

0:23:55.279,0:24:02.240
differences of opinion and eventually

0:23:59.279,0:24:04.559
nine times out of ten mommy and i either

0:24:02.240,0:24:07.679
eventually see eye to eye

0:24:04.559,0:24:08.400
or one of us usually compromises usually

0:24:07.679,0:24:10.720
me but

0:24:08.400,0:24:12.159
um one of us usually compromises oh you

0:24:10.720,0:24:15.360
don’t want to be saying that

0:24:12.159,0:24:19.039
you know she’s gonna see this

0:24:15.360,0:24:21.279
um yeah yeah you do what you have to do

0:24:19.039,0:24:22.799
you know to maintain domestic bliss i

0:24:21.279,0:24:24.960
guess

0:24:22.799,0:24:26.640
um so the next thing they talk about

0:24:24.960,0:24:28.320
with parents fighting is what does their

0:24:26.640,0:24:31.440
fighting mean

0:24:28.320,0:24:33.279
you know a child may think that because

0:24:31.440,0:24:34.000
their parents yell and scream at each

0:24:33.279,0:24:36.159
other

0:24:34.000,0:24:37.679
and have a fight that they don’t love

0:24:36.159,0:24:40.640
each other anymore

0:24:37.679,0:24:42.720
or that they’re going to get a divorce

0:24:40.640,0:24:46.159
often this isn’t the case

0:24:42.720,0:24:47.840
my parents yelled at each other for

0:24:46.159,0:24:49.919
probably 30 years and never got a

0:24:47.840,0:24:51.440
divorce came close a couple of times

0:24:49.919,0:24:53.600
though

0:24:51.440,0:24:55.760
so although parents may yell and say

0:24:53.600,0:24:58.080
things that are mean to each other

0:24:55.760,0:24:59.360
they often regret this later on and

0:24:58.080,0:25:01.600
apologize

0:24:59.360,0:25:03.200
after they’ve worked it all out now

0:25:01.600,0:25:04.640
you’ve experienced this with your

0:25:03.200,0:25:07.200
friends when you’ve

0:25:04.640,0:25:07.760
been in very emotional states where

0:25:07.200,0:25:09.919
you’ve said

0:25:07.760,0:25:11.840
things that you’ve not been happy about

0:25:09.919,0:25:14.320
later on haven’t you

0:25:11.840,0:25:15.679
i mean yeah so tell us tell us how

0:25:14.320,0:25:17.679
you’ve worked through those things with

0:25:15.679,0:25:21.120
your friends to stay friends with

0:25:17.679,0:25:23.679
i mean well by the time that i

0:25:21.120,0:25:24.640
do lash out it might be a little too

0:25:23.679,0:25:26.640
late

0:25:24.640,0:25:28.400
um there was one thing that always

0:25:26.640,0:25:31.600
annoyed me it seemed

0:25:28.400,0:25:34.400
like by the time i was um

0:25:31.600,0:25:35.200
that when i was emotionally unstable at

0:25:34.400,0:25:38.559
that point

0:25:35.200,0:25:40.080
and i had upset my friends there was one

0:25:38.559,0:25:41.760
thing that didn’t help with that which

0:25:40.080,0:25:44.720
is why i never really

0:25:41.760,0:25:45.200
could um forgive them like the exact

0:25:44.720,0:25:47.840
same

0:25:45.200,0:25:50.240
at the exact same time it was that

0:25:47.840,0:25:51.279
everyone else in the aftercare like the

0:25:50.240,0:25:53.440
teachers

0:25:51.279,0:25:54.480
would seemingly take their side and it

0:25:53.440,0:25:57.760
really didn’t help

0:25:54.480,0:26:00.080
at that point but um the good thing was

0:25:57.760,0:26:01.440
that i had recess and my friend mariah

0:26:00.080,0:26:04.480
who was able to help me

0:26:01.440,0:26:06.960
calm down and um also helped me

0:26:04.480,0:26:09.039
sometimes when i needed to

0:26:06.960,0:26:10.400
figure out how to apologize to my

0:26:09.039,0:26:12.880
friends and

0:26:10.400,0:26:15.200
um by the time it was aftercare i would

0:26:12.880,0:26:17.919
apologize to them and we’d make up

0:26:15.200,0:26:18.799
well that’s good and that’s important

0:26:17.919,0:26:22.400
that ability

0:26:18.799,0:26:25.360
to resolve those situations

0:26:22.400,0:26:26.720
so in the case of a of a mom and dad

0:26:25.360,0:26:28.480
fighting

0:26:26.720,0:26:30.720
we have to wonder how it affects the

0:26:28.480,0:26:32.799
kids they said it’s normal

0:26:30.720,0:26:34.720
for a teen or a child to feel upset when

0:26:32.799,0:26:38.080
they hear their parents fighting

0:26:34.720,0:26:41.600
made me feel upset sad angry at one side

0:26:38.080,0:26:43.919
or the other or both and fearful of what

0:26:41.600,0:26:45.760
the fight may mean

0:26:43.919,0:26:46.960
this may end up interfering with school

0:26:45.760,0:26:50.640
work

0:26:46.960,0:26:53.840
and social activities for the child

0:26:50.640,0:26:56.240
so sometimes that fighting has

0:26:53.840,0:26:56.960
a drain on the kids and it had a drain

0:26:56.240,0:27:00.400
on me

0:26:56.960,0:27:01.600
you know when my father would do that to

0:27:00.400,0:27:04.880
my mom

0:27:01.600,0:27:06.400
i felt very helpless um i felt very

0:27:04.880,0:27:09.760
angry at my dad

0:27:06.400,0:27:11.200
because i don’t you know i didn’t feel

0:27:09.760,0:27:12.240
like my mom deserved that kind of

0:27:11.200,0:27:15.520
treatment

0:27:12.240,0:27:16.559
and i was very protective of my mom and

0:27:15.520,0:27:18.559
uh

0:27:16.559,0:27:20.080
when my dad would go off on one of these

0:27:18.559,0:27:22.880
tirades against her i felt

0:27:20.080,0:27:24.480
very helpless that i couldn’t do

0:27:22.880,0:27:26.880
anything

0:27:24.480,0:27:28.720
uh when you see mommy and daddy argue

0:27:26.880,0:27:30.799
how does how does that affect you how

0:27:28.720,0:27:34.159
does that make you feel

0:27:30.799,0:27:37.919
i mean whenever i do see you guys

0:27:34.159,0:27:39.919
arguing like if you guys um

0:27:37.919,0:27:41.760
when it’s not normally about dinner and

0:27:39.919,0:27:43.919
it’s normally about something else

0:27:41.760,0:27:45.279
like i know you guys had an argument

0:27:43.919,0:27:48.559
about the cameras

0:27:45.279,0:27:51.760
um about um some cameras

0:27:48.559,0:27:53.760
um stuff going on and um

0:27:51.760,0:27:54.880
i mean i started to get a little worried

0:27:53.760,0:27:56.640
because i didn’t

0:27:54.880,0:27:58.159
i don’t like seeing you guys fighting

0:27:56.640,0:28:01.360
normally you guys get along

0:27:58.159,0:28:02.000
and seeing you guys um almost turned

0:28:01.360,0:28:04.720
against each

0:28:02.000,0:28:06.720
other it’s not very nice but i mean

0:28:04.720,0:28:08.240
mommy was just expressing her opinion on

0:28:06.720,0:28:10.559
it although

0:28:08.240,0:28:11.440
her opinion didn’t really go with your

0:28:10.559,0:28:15.679
idea

0:28:11.440,0:28:19.200
so um sometimes that stuff happens

0:28:15.679,0:28:20.720
and for different reasons but um

0:28:19.200,0:28:22.480
i know you guys still love each other it

0:28:20.720,0:28:26.159
never got to the point where i got

0:28:22.480,0:28:28.799
feared that you guys would split up or

0:28:26.159,0:28:30.720
that anything or that you guys didn’t

0:28:28.799,0:28:33.559
love each other i know you guys do

0:28:30.720,0:28:34.799
and you guys would have probably

0:28:33.559,0:28:37.760
regretted

0:28:34.799,0:28:39.760
arguing with each other at some point so

0:28:37.760,0:28:42.000
yeah i think one of the advantages i i

0:28:39.760,0:28:44.159
suppose i can take away from

0:28:42.000,0:28:45.200
growing up in a household where my

0:28:44.159,0:28:49.360
parents argued

0:28:45.200,0:28:51.919
frequently was the lesson learned of

0:28:49.360,0:28:53.679
when you get into that emotional state

0:28:51.919,0:28:56.000
and you’re agitated

0:28:53.679,0:28:57.279
and you’re angry and you’re very

0:28:56.000,0:29:00.159
emotional

0:28:57.279,0:29:01.120
you need to walk away you need to stop

0:29:00.159,0:29:02.880
arguing

0:29:01.120,0:29:04.399
you need to just walk away you need to

0:29:02.880,0:29:05.840
cool off

0:29:04.399,0:29:08.399
and you need to come back and look at

0:29:05.840,0:29:11.520
things from a rational standpoint

0:29:08.399,0:29:14.480
when you’re less emotional and

0:29:11.520,0:29:15.200
this is kind of something that i try to

0:29:14.480,0:29:17.520
observe

0:29:15.200,0:29:18.720
in general in life especially with

0:29:17.520,0:29:20.080
crisis management

0:29:18.720,0:29:21.840
you know there’s a lot of the stuff that

0:29:20.080,0:29:26.720
i do at work

0:29:21.840,0:29:29.840
um we deal with emergency problems

0:29:26.720,0:29:32.559
and you kind of have to divorce yourself

0:29:29.840,0:29:35.360
emotionally from these things because

0:29:32.559,0:29:37.679
the more emotional you get the less

0:29:35.360,0:29:41.360
likely you are to be able to make

0:29:37.679,0:29:43.440
sane rational decisions and arguing’s

0:29:41.360,0:29:44.880
the same way so when mommy and daddy get

0:29:43.440,0:29:48.080
to the point where we are

0:29:44.880,0:29:50.560
really arguing i

0:29:48.080,0:29:51.679
tend to shut down and

0:29:50.560,0:29:55.679
[Music]

0:29:51.679,0:29:59.200
walk away and then i can come back later

0:29:55.679,0:30:02.640
after i’ve had a chance to digest it

0:29:59.200,0:30:04.399
and realize that most of the time i was

0:30:02.640,0:30:06.240
wrong in my opinion and

0:30:04.399,0:30:08.799
i can come back later on and sort of

0:30:06.240,0:30:11.039
apologize and kind of tuck my tail

0:30:08.799,0:30:13.600
between my legs and

0:30:11.039,0:30:15.600
try to set things right again but if i

0:30:13.600,0:30:17.679
had kept fighting

0:30:15.600,0:30:21.039
you know me i’m the type of person that

0:30:17.679,0:30:24.159
in a competitive situation

0:30:21.039,0:30:26.320
i can be very vicious yep because it’s

0:30:24.159,0:30:28.159
not a competition unless you win unless

0:30:26.320,0:30:30.960
i’m winning exactly

0:30:28.159,0:30:34.399
so that’s the fear that i always have if

0:30:30.960,0:30:37.520
i get into an argument with someone

0:30:34.399,0:30:41.440
that i care about that

0:30:37.520,0:30:44.000
i’ll say or do things in the

0:30:41.440,0:30:45.679
moment with the intent of winning the

0:30:44.000,0:30:49.039
argument

0:30:45.679,0:30:52.320
that are vicious and mean

0:30:49.039,0:30:55.520
and mean-spirited that

0:30:52.320,0:30:57.679
will do more harm than good

0:30:55.520,0:30:59.039
i’ve had that happen in the past i try

0:30:57.679,0:31:01.200
to control that

0:30:59.039,0:31:02.960
aspect of my personality by simply just

0:31:01.200,0:31:06.000
shutting down and

0:31:02.960,0:31:09.840
and walking away and i find that that’s

0:31:06.000,0:31:12.880
safer that way i can

0:31:09.840,0:31:17.519
argue but i don’t like to fight

0:31:12.880,0:31:19.360
because when i fight i fight dirty

0:31:17.519,0:31:21.679
which is why i’m on my second marriage

0:31:19.360,0:31:24.559
now i think

0:31:21.679,0:31:26.399
yeah uh so the next thing they want to

0:31:24.559,0:31:27.679
say they talk about in here that i want

0:31:26.399,0:31:30.399
to talk to was troubles

0:31:27.679,0:31:32.799
in school your teen’s going through a

0:31:30.399,0:31:33.679
lot of changes when they begin high

0:31:32.799,0:31:37.039
school

0:31:33.679,0:31:37.440
which you will be soon these changes may

0:31:37.039,0:31:39.919
have

0:31:37.440,0:31:41.039
an impact on their functioning both

0:31:39.919,0:31:44.559
academically and

0:31:41.039,0:31:46.559
socially here are some ways to make sure

0:31:44.559,0:31:47.600
that those changes don’t have a

0:31:46.559,0:31:51.519
detrimental

0:31:47.600,0:31:54.720
long-term effect so

0:31:51.519,0:31:55.840
have your teen’s grades fallen now we

0:31:54.720,0:31:59.840
did have an incident

0:31:55.840,0:32:02.640
earlier in the school year where you

0:31:59.840,0:32:03.600
didn’t bring home an a tell us about

0:32:02.640,0:32:07.440
that

0:32:03.600,0:32:09.360
okay so i had started advanced math when

0:32:07.440,0:32:11.279
i was in sixth grade and

0:32:09.360,0:32:12.399
and seventh grade was my second year in

0:32:11.279,0:32:15.840
it

0:32:12.399,0:32:18.240
and in the beginning um

0:32:15.840,0:32:19.760
i was going through a lot of changes

0:32:18.240,0:32:22.799
moving to the middle school

0:32:19.760,0:32:26.159
i now had lockers i now switch

0:32:22.799,0:32:27.600
classes more often i now interacted with

0:32:26.159,0:32:31.440
more people

0:32:27.600,0:32:33.360
and just a lot was changing and i think

0:32:31.440,0:32:36.720
that had something to do with it

0:32:33.360,0:32:38.399
also with the fact that i had gotten

0:32:36.720,0:32:40.399
through a bit of stress

0:32:38.399,0:32:42.080
from that i mean it wasn’t as bad as it

0:32:40.399,0:32:46.159
was in sixth grade

0:32:42.080,0:32:49.440
um but it was still there

0:32:46.159,0:32:53.200
the i was going through

0:32:49.440,0:32:56.240
um many different things like

0:32:53.200,0:32:58.799
not just the change but also like

0:32:56.240,0:33:00.720
wanting to still bring home those a’s

0:32:58.799,0:33:03.760
although this class was

0:33:00.720,0:33:05.519
a little difficult um and when i

0:33:03.760,0:33:07.039
realized that i didn’t bring home an a

0:33:05.519,0:33:10.880
for the first marking period

0:33:07.039,0:33:13.840
i just couldn’t handle it it was like

0:33:10.880,0:33:15.840
my first bee i had ever gotten and i

0:33:13.840,0:33:18.480
didn’t like it because

0:33:15.840,0:33:19.840
um at the end of sixth grade i ended up

0:33:18.480,0:33:21.919
being one of the only

0:33:19.840,0:33:23.519
one of three kids who ended up having

0:33:21.919,0:33:24.559
all a’s through the whole school year

0:33:23.519,0:33:27.679
and

0:33:24.559,0:33:30.880
seeing that i got a b

0:33:27.679,0:33:35.679
after that amazing accomplishment

0:33:30.880,0:33:37.760
i lost it like i didn’t feel as though

0:33:35.679,0:33:39.120
like i didn’t really feel happy because

0:33:37.760,0:33:41.519
of like i didn’t

0:33:39.120,0:33:42.320
feel i just felt really sad because of

0:33:41.519,0:33:44.799
it like i had

0:33:42.320,0:33:45.919
failed and that you guys would be upset

0:33:44.799,0:33:49.600
at me since

0:33:45.919,0:33:52.720
i would since i used to be since

0:33:49.600,0:33:54.480
i thought that since i had gotten since

0:33:52.720,0:33:55.120
i had been one of the few kids who got

0:33:54.480,0:33:57.840
all

0:33:55.120,0:33:59.120
a’s for the whole school year i thought

0:33:57.840,0:34:02.320
for the six

0:33:59.120,0:34:04.320
um years i was at guntend that you guys

0:34:02.320,0:34:04.799
would be upset at me because i’d gotten

0:34:04.320,0:34:08.159
a b

0:34:04.799,0:34:08.800
my first my first semester in seventh

0:34:08.159,0:34:11.679
grade

0:34:08.800,0:34:13.520
well and and as it turns out that

0:34:11.679,0:34:17.440
dipping your grade was really just

0:34:13.520,0:34:20.800
an adjustment now that dip did not

0:34:17.440,0:34:22.079
it was not you sinking and failing it

0:34:20.800,0:34:25.280
wasn’t

0:34:22.079,0:34:26.720
you your grades bottoming out you got to

0:34:25.280,0:34:28.240
be

0:34:26.720,0:34:31.119
you know when it turns out that a b

0:34:28.240,0:34:31.119
isn’t all that bad

0:34:31.599,0:34:38.320
but you bounce back from that and

0:34:34.879,0:34:42.000
that dipping your grades

0:34:38.320,0:34:43.440
fortunately was not a bone of contention

0:34:42.000,0:34:46.800
that caused any problems

0:34:43.440,0:34:49.679
from a family standpoint

0:34:46.800,0:34:50.240
it was really you being very hard on

0:34:49.679,0:34:53.040
yourself

0:34:50.240,0:34:54.800
there you came back the rest of the

0:34:53.040,0:34:55.359
marking periods and you did perfectly

0:34:54.800,0:34:57.839
fine

0:34:55.359,0:34:59.920
yeah it even like improved my grade

0:34:57.839,0:35:01.760
afterwards because i was probably just

0:34:59.920,0:35:02.800
so traumatized from the fact that i

0:35:01.760,0:35:04.400
gotten to be

0:35:02.800,0:35:05.839
that i started improving my grade in

0:35:04.400,0:35:08.240
that yeah yeah

0:35:05.839,0:35:10.160
and i think from a scholastic standpoint

0:35:08.240,0:35:12.000
a lot of

0:35:10.160,0:35:14.000
the difficulties that you tend to run

0:35:12.000,0:35:17.119
into are

0:35:14.000,0:35:20.000
self-imposed more than anything

0:35:17.119,0:35:20.960
you have a tendency being as

0:35:20.000,0:35:23.680
intellectual

0:35:20.960,0:35:26.400
as you are you have a tendency of

0:35:23.680,0:35:28.320
overthinking a situation

0:35:26.400,0:35:30.560
you had gotten yourself all worked up

0:35:28.320,0:35:32.480
going into the new school about

0:35:30.560,0:35:34.160
not knowing where to go not being able

0:35:32.480,0:35:35.839
to get to your classes in time

0:35:34.160,0:35:38.160
not being able to hit your locker and

0:35:35.839,0:35:39.680
all this other stuff

0:35:38.160,0:35:42.480
and it turns out that none of those

0:35:39.680,0:35:44.560
things really were that big of a concern

0:35:42.480,0:35:46.320
maybe might have been an inconvenience

0:35:44.560,0:35:48.320
you know especially

0:35:46.320,0:35:50.000
when you had to what finish your gym

0:35:48.320,0:35:53.599
class and then go to your locker

0:35:50.000,0:35:54.960
or something like that but you know you

0:35:53.599,0:35:59.760
were

0:35:54.960,0:36:03.440
you kind of take the mindset that i have

0:35:59.760,0:36:06.160
for troubleshooting is i have to assume

0:36:03.440,0:36:08.400
the worst is going to happen so that i

0:36:06.160,0:36:10.480
can be prepared for

0:36:08.400,0:36:12.400
but if i prepare for the worst and it

0:36:10.480,0:36:15.440
doesn’t happen

0:36:12.400,0:36:17.280
then it wasn’t a wasted effort

0:36:15.440,0:36:19.280
because i still have that contingency

0:36:17.280,0:36:21.440
plan in place

0:36:19.280,0:36:23.839
and i think the problem you run into is

0:36:21.440,0:36:26.000
you plan for the worst

0:36:23.839,0:36:29.040
but you overthink it and you tend to

0:36:26.000,0:36:29.040
psych yourself out

0:36:29.359,0:36:33.440
but i think you’re getting better with

0:36:30.640,0:36:35.040
that i think it’s not as

0:36:33.440,0:36:36.560
much of a hindrance for you moving

0:36:35.040,0:36:38.079
forward now

0:36:36.560,0:36:39.760
and it’s one of those things with

0:36:38.079,0:36:42.640
experience

0:36:39.760,0:36:44.560
you’ll get progressively better at it

0:36:42.640,0:36:46.160
but for the most part

0:36:44.560,0:36:48.079
you’re not having troubles in school

0:36:46.160,0:36:49.839
academically

0:36:48.079,0:36:51.839
but it is one of the things that some

0:36:49.839,0:36:55.040
kids run into not just academics

0:36:51.839,0:36:58.240
some kids have disciplinary problems

0:36:55.040,0:37:02.960
some kids get detention a lot

0:36:58.240,0:37:02.960
some kids are bullies some kids

0:37:03.119,0:37:07.280
some kids have issues in school that

0:37:05.119,0:37:10.560
require their parents to get involved

0:37:07.280,0:37:13.280
very heavily in making sure that they

0:37:10.560,0:37:16.720
can overcome some of these issues

0:37:13.280,0:37:18.640
and those type of situations

0:37:16.720,0:37:20.000
are the ones that cause friction in the

0:37:18.640,0:37:22.160
family

0:37:20.000,0:37:24.400
because i’ll tell you if mommy and daddy

0:37:22.160,0:37:25.920
were getting calls

0:37:24.400,0:37:28.720
once a week from the school that you

0:37:25.920,0:37:30.320
were having discipline problems

0:37:28.720,0:37:31.839
we would probably have some issues that

0:37:30.320,0:37:33.839
we’d have to put those boundaries in

0:37:31.839,0:37:35.280
like we talked about earlier

0:37:33.839,0:37:37.119
we’d have to take away some of your

0:37:35.280,0:37:40.240
freedoms we’d have to do what we

0:37:37.119,0:37:43.200
thought we needed to do in order to

0:37:40.240,0:37:44.960
correct these problems and when you were

0:37:43.200,0:37:46.160
in your old school you had one or two

0:37:44.960,0:37:50.000
issues

0:37:46.160,0:37:54.160
that we were alerted to and we sat down

0:37:50.000,0:37:56.960
and we had a talk and we kind of came to

0:37:54.160,0:37:59.599
an agreement of how to deal with it and

0:37:56.960,0:38:02.720
we didn’t have any more problems

0:37:59.599,0:38:04.000
so we’ve been very fortunate that as

0:38:02.720,0:38:07.680
you’ve grown

0:38:04.000,0:38:09.599
and expanded in school

0:38:07.680,0:38:11.520
you’ve run into some of these roadblocks

0:38:09.599,0:38:13.520
but we’ve been very

0:38:11.520,0:38:15.359
effective at dealing with them so we’ve

0:38:13.520,0:38:17.520
not had to really crack down on you at

0:38:15.359,0:38:19.200
all so it’s it’s been helpful

0:38:17.520,0:38:20.720
how cooperative that you’ve been through

0:38:19.200,0:38:22.960
the whole thing

0:38:20.720,0:38:23.760
so that’s another thing to keep in mind

0:38:22.960,0:38:26.960
yep

0:38:23.760,0:38:30.560
and the last thing they talk about here

0:38:26.960,0:38:31.760
is another one that i think it’s a

0:38:30.560,0:38:34.240
little bit different for you and that’s

0:38:31.760,0:38:37.040
sibling rivalry

0:38:34.240,0:38:39.200
so sibling rivalry occurs when brothers

0:38:37.040,0:38:42.160
and sisters fight with each other

0:38:39.200,0:38:43.680
and don’t get along with often there is

0:38:42.160,0:38:45.839
a certain amount of

0:38:43.680,0:38:47.920
problems that arise out of one sibling

0:38:45.839,0:38:49.599
being older than the other

0:38:47.920,0:38:53.040
and being able to do more than the

0:38:49.599,0:38:56.000
younger sibling rivalry is a normal part

0:38:53.040,0:38:58.480
of any kid or teen’s life

0:38:56.000,0:39:00.480
so what is sibling rivalry what do you

0:38:58.480,0:39:01.359
think what’s your definition of sibling

0:39:00.480,0:39:05.359
rivalry

0:39:01.359,0:39:08.720
i’d assume sibling rivalry would be like

0:39:05.359,0:39:11.280
sort of like competition like either for

0:39:08.720,0:39:15.040
the parents attention

0:39:11.280,0:39:17.520
or for just being the dominant sibling

0:39:15.040,0:39:18.079
or to be the favorite child absolutely

0:39:17.520,0:39:22.320
that’s a

0:39:18.079,0:39:22.320
that’s really a spot on definition

0:39:22.560,0:39:27.440
they say sibling rivalry can be a good

0:39:24.400,0:39:30.320
thing competition is a healthy thing

0:39:27.440,0:39:30.720
in anyone’s lives and rivalry is common

0:39:30.320,0:39:33.839
among

0:39:30.720,0:39:37.040
siblings everyone experiences feelings

0:39:33.839,0:39:40.560
of rivalry and competition

0:39:37.040,0:39:43.839
often rivalry involves arguing

0:39:40.560,0:39:43.839
and everyone argues

0:39:44.400,0:39:50.320
but what it does is it pushes you to

0:39:47.599,0:39:53.280
try harder at something so if the

0:39:50.320,0:39:56.079
sibling rivalry happens to be

0:39:53.280,0:39:56.800
i don’t know sports for instance you

0:39:56.079,0:39:59.040
know

0:39:56.800,0:40:00.320
when i was a kid i was the youngest of

0:39:59.040,0:40:03.440
of um

0:40:00.320,0:40:05.200
four boys so there was four years

0:40:03.440,0:40:08.640
between

0:40:05.200,0:40:10.240
myself and my next youngest brother

0:40:08.640,0:40:11.839
then there was four years to the next

0:40:10.240,0:40:14.000
brother and then

0:40:11.839,0:40:16.160
so it was 10 years total to my oldest

0:40:14.000,0:40:19.599
brother

0:40:16.160,0:40:22.000
so i was always kind of in a sibling

0:40:19.599,0:40:24.079
rivalry with my youngest brother

0:40:22.000,0:40:25.920
and one of those rivalries happened to

0:40:24.079,0:40:28.720
be sports

0:40:25.920,0:40:30.000
uh he was he played football so i played

0:40:28.720,0:40:33.839
football

0:40:30.000,0:40:35.599
uh he played hockey so i played hockey

0:40:33.839,0:40:37.440
and it was one of those things that that

0:40:35.599,0:40:40.720
four year gap kind of really

0:40:37.440,0:40:42.880
left me behind until i got up to

0:40:40.720,0:40:44.319
you know my mid late teen years and i

0:40:42.880,0:40:47.760
could finally have the same

0:40:44.319,0:40:51.440
physical capabilities that he had

0:40:47.760,0:40:55.040
but that rivalry drove me

0:40:51.440,0:40:56.560
to be better and as i pushed myself to

0:40:55.040,0:40:58.880
be better

0:40:56.560,0:41:00.480
i found that my brother who i was

0:40:58.880,0:41:02.640
competing with

0:41:00.480,0:41:05.280
became much more supportive of me

0:41:02.640,0:41:09.839
especially playing football

0:41:05.280,0:41:12.640
i i sat out my my uh freshman year of

0:41:09.839,0:41:14.240
football i didn’t start playing football

0:41:12.640,0:41:15.839
until my sophomore year when i was in

0:41:14.240,0:41:18.720
10th grade

0:41:15.839,0:41:19.119
and i was pretty good at what i did i

0:41:18.720,0:41:20.560
was a

0:41:19.119,0:41:22.640
i was probably the biggest kid on the

0:41:20.560,0:41:25.040
team and

0:41:22.640,0:41:26.960
you know at the time i could i could

0:41:25.040,0:41:31.440
move i could run

0:41:26.960,0:41:35.520
and my brother at that time was out of

0:41:31.440,0:41:37.440
school he graduated and was was out

0:41:35.520,0:41:40.640
and when he found out that i wanted to

0:41:37.440,0:41:44.400
play he basically became my

0:41:40.640,0:41:47.599
personal coach and he

0:41:44.400,0:41:49.680
drove me he inspired me he helped me get

0:41:47.599,0:41:52.160
the equipment that i needed

0:41:49.680,0:41:53.040
and that rivalry that he and i had

0:41:52.160,0:41:57.200
became

0:41:53.040,0:42:00.000
almost a apprenticeship

0:41:57.200,0:42:01.520
that he and i had so that right that

0:42:00.000,0:42:02.000
sibling rivalry became something that

0:42:01.520,0:42:04.720
was very

0:42:02.000,0:42:05.440
worthwhile now with you it’s different

0:42:04.720,0:42:08.480
though

0:42:05.440,0:42:11.760
because with you

0:42:08.480,0:42:12.960
sam was around for a while when you were

0:42:11.760,0:42:17.280
younger

0:42:12.960,0:42:19.359
and then we kind of had some

0:42:17.280,0:42:21.280
family drama like you described it last

0:42:19.359,0:42:24.000
week

0:42:21.280,0:42:25.920
and then sam was out of the picture for

0:42:24.000,0:42:27.839
a couple of years

0:42:25.920,0:42:29.200
now he’s gradually coming back into the

0:42:27.839,0:42:32.000
picture

0:42:29.200,0:42:33.599
but you guys don’t really have that much

0:42:32.000,0:42:36.720
of a relationship do you

0:42:33.599,0:42:39.200
no not really so tell us sort of what

0:42:36.720,0:42:42.160
you guys have at this point in time

0:42:39.200,0:42:43.280
and probably since he was on you on this

0:42:42.160,0:42:47.200
podcast

0:42:43.280,0:42:49.280
a few months ago do you guys talk to

0:42:47.200,0:42:50.800
each other do you guys interact at all

0:42:49.280,0:42:54.720
do you guys

0:42:50.800,0:42:57.680
email tell us what you have i mean

0:42:54.720,0:42:58.000
the like the main conversation we had

0:42:57.680,0:43:00.319
was

0:42:58.000,0:43:01.440
just with the podcast but we’ve never

0:43:00.319,0:43:05.040
really

0:43:01.440,0:43:07.119
like really had a good conversation with

0:43:05.040,0:43:08.560
each other we just like would say hi to

0:43:07.119,0:43:10.800
each other when

0:43:08.560,0:43:12.800
he would pass by my room or when i would

0:43:10.800,0:43:14.400
pass by where he was

0:43:12.800,0:43:16.960
and that was pretty much it we wouldn’t

0:43:14.400,0:43:20.000
really say anything to each other

0:43:16.960,0:43:23.920
so what do you think

0:43:20.000,0:43:25.520
we as a family can do to try and change

0:43:23.920,0:43:28.640
that dynamic

0:43:25.520,0:43:29.359
well i i need to look at both sides of

0:43:28.640,0:43:32.640
the picture

0:43:29.359,0:43:35.440
for that for this to work out like

0:43:32.640,0:43:36.480
um neither of us have really took in a

0:43:35.440,0:43:40.079
move to get

0:43:36.480,0:43:43.280
like closer to the other and i know my

0:43:40.079,0:43:45.520
reason for it i’m just

0:43:43.280,0:43:46.880
it’s just been hard since it’s been so

0:43:45.520,0:43:47.280
many years since we’ve talked to each

0:43:46.880,0:43:50.319
other

0:43:47.280,0:43:52.480
and um you’ve said this a few times

0:43:50.319,0:43:55.119
before when i’ve asked it like

0:43:52.480,0:43:58.000
sam doesn’t know me now like the younger

0:43:55.119,0:44:00.000
sister he had before was just very keen

0:43:58.000,0:44:03.760
on wanting to see what he was doing

0:44:00.000,0:44:04.480
and um i just kind of thought of myself

0:44:03.760,0:44:06.160
as the

0:44:04.480,0:44:08.319
annoying younger sister although i

0:44:06.160,0:44:11.680
didn’t really annoy him too much

0:44:08.319,0:44:12.960
right and like now i remember seeing the

0:44:11.680,0:44:16.480
shock on his face

0:44:12.960,0:44:18.240
and the podcast when he asked me what my

0:44:16.480,0:44:20.480
favorite um if i wanted to be a

0:44:18.240,0:44:23.680
superhero or a villain

0:44:20.480,0:44:26.319
he didn’t expect me to answer with

0:44:23.680,0:44:27.119
an in-between one that was so incredibly

0:44:26.319,0:44:29.599
detailed

0:44:27.119,0:44:30.880
which i definitely think kind of turned

0:44:29.599,0:44:33.200
him off from trying to

0:44:30.880,0:44:34.480
get to know me because i’m a completely

0:44:33.200,0:44:36.720
different person now

0:44:34.480,0:44:40.000
yeah and well i don’t know if it turned

0:44:36.720,0:44:42.640
him off from getting to know you i think

0:44:40.000,0:44:43.599
i think it made him realize that you are

0:44:42.640,0:44:45.920
different

0:44:43.599,0:44:48.319
and and i think he was probably taken

0:44:45.920,0:44:51.200
aback trying to figure out

0:44:48.319,0:44:52.960
how to how to talk to you now because it

0:44:51.200,0:44:55.760
was a very different conversation than i

0:44:52.960,0:44:59.359
think he ever remembered

0:44:55.760,0:45:02.800
um so that’s not necessarily a bad thing

0:44:59.359,0:45:04.640
uh hopefully you know we’ll all grow a

0:45:02.800,0:45:06.400
little bit closer together

0:45:04.640,0:45:07.920
in the coming months and years

0:45:06.400,0:45:09.599
especially

0:45:07.920,0:45:11.839
you know with the covet 19 thing it

0:45:09.599,0:45:14.319
tends to put family and

0:45:11.839,0:45:17.200
and the important things in the

0:45:14.319,0:45:20.400
perspective you know

0:45:17.200,0:45:22.880
so that was all i had for

0:45:20.400,0:45:24.160
the friction part we’re going to take a

0:45:22.880,0:45:26.160
quick break and we’ll come back and

0:45:24.160,0:45:27.920
we’ll talk about some ways to

0:45:26.160,0:45:33.839
hopefully resolve some of the family

0:45:27.920,0:45:33.839
problems alrighty

0:45:37.680,0:45:41.760
insights into entertainment a podcast

0:45:40.079,0:45:44.110
series taking a deeper look

0:45:41.760,0:45:45.599
into entertainment and media

0:45:44.110,0:45:47.839
[Music]

0:45:45.599,0:45:48.640
our husband and wife team of pop culture

0:45:47.839,0:45:50.960
fanatics

0:45:48.640,0:45:51.680
are exploring all things from music and

0:45:50.960,0:45:53.690
movies

0:45:51.680,0:45:55.599
to television and fandom

0:45:53.690,0:45:57.200
[Music]

0:45:55.599,0:46:01.520
we’ll look at the interesting and

0:45:57.200,0:46:03.520
obscure entertainment news of the week

0:46:01.520,0:46:04.960
we’ll talk about theme park and pop

0:46:03.520,0:46:06.880
culture news

0:46:04.960,0:46:09.599
we’ll give you the latest and greatest

0:46:06.880,0:46:11.920
on pop culture conventions

0:46:09.599,0:46:13.280
we’ll give you a deep dive into disney

0:46:11.920,0:46:18.079
star wars and much

0:46:13.280,0:46:21.280
more check out our video episodes

0:46:18.079,0:46:22.400
at youtube.com backslash insights into

0:46:21.280,0:46:26.000
things

0:46:22.400,0:46:26.000
our audio episodes at

0:46:26.839,0:46:30.839
podcast.insightsintoentertainment.com

0:46:28.079,0:46:33.839
check us out on the web at insights into

0:46:30.839,0:46:33.839
things.com

0:46:39.599,0:46:45.200
so tips for resolving family problems

0:46:43.920,0:46:48.880
the first one’s probably the most

0:46:45.200,0:46:51.520
obvious and that is agree to negotiate

0:46:48.880,0:46:52.960
usually our first angry impulse is to

0:46:51.520,0:46:55.359
push the point

0:46:52.960,0:46:56.240
that we’re right and win the argument at

0:46:55.359,0:46:59.200
any cost

0:46:56.240,0:46:59.839
i know that’s my problem finding a

0:46:59.200,0:47:02.079
peaceful

0:46:59.839,0:47:03.520
resolution can be difficult if not

0:47:02.079,0:47:05.839
impossible

0:47:03.520,0:47:07.440
when both parties stubbornly stick to

0:47:05.839,0:47:10.960
their guns

0:47:07.440,0:47:13.280
it helps if everyone decides as a family

0:47:10.960,0:47:15.839
but try and listen to each other and

0:47:13.280,0:47:17.920
negotiate instead

0:47:15.839,0:47:21.280
so before i get into what the

0:47:17.920,0:47:23.520
suggestions are to accomplish this

0:47:21.280,0:47:25.440
how do you think we as a family deal

0:47:23.520,0:47:28.960
with our issues do you think that we

0:47:25.440,0:47:32.319
are level-headed and we negotiate

0:47:28.960,0:47:35.440
or do any one of us

0:47:32.319,0:47:37.119
sort of take a stand and

0:47:35.440,0:47:39.599
and decide that no matter what you’re

0:47:37.119,0:47:41.839
not going to move me from my opinion

0:47:39.599,0:47:43.760
um i definitely think that we are able

0:47:41.839,0:47:44.480
to compromise and negotiate with each

0:47:43.760,0:47:46.319
other

0:47:44.480,0:47:48.400
like another example like i’m going to

0:47:46.319,0:47:50.640
go back to the dinner example

0:47:48.400,0:47:51.520
we all want different things for dinner

0:47:50.640,0:47:54.559
um

0:47:51.520,0:47:56.319
and normally we are able to come up with

0:47:54.559,0:48:00.160
a compromise

0:47:56.319,0:48:04.240
usually um usually

0:48:00.160,0:48:07.359
um the compromise we

0:48:04.240,0:48:10.160
normally just order from one place

0:48:07.359,0:48:11.119
but i do remember that when we were

0:48:10.160,0:48:14.720
having

0:48:11.119,0:48:17.280
um that i remember

0:48:14.720,0:48:19.280
eating chinese and realizing that okay i

0:48:17.280,0:48:21.599
kind of want something different

0:48:19.280,0:48:23.680
um which was completely unlike me i was

0:48:21.599,0:48:26.720
just really tired of chinese

0:48:23.680,0:48:30.640
and um mommy was able to negotiate with

0:48:26.720,0:48:33.200
it and we start and she started like

0:48:30.640,0:48:34.640
um giving me diff she started like

0:48:33.200,0:48:37.359
allowing me to

0:48:34.640,0:48:38.880
order from different places and now i

0:48:37.359,0:48:41.359
just have like

0:48:38.880,0:48:42.720
um some leftovers or i just get

0:48:41.359,0:48:45.119
something else

0:48:42.720,0:48:46.720
so she is able to negotiate with that

0:48:45.119,0:48:48.559
and especially now

0:48:46.720,0:48:50.480
you’re honestly i think the only one who

0:48:48.559,0:48:52.240
actually orders chinese at this point

0:48:50.480,0:48:54.640
you get the chinese mommy gets your

0:48:52.240,0:48:56.800
sushi and i have something pizza related

0:48:54.640,0:49:00.400
or just any leftover that i had from

0:48:56.800,0:49:02.240
from um before i think you’re right

0:49:00.400,0:49:03.520
so a couple of suggestions that they

0:49:02.240,0:49:08.160
offer here to

0:49:03.520,0:49:09.839
uh to help with the compromise

0:49:08.160,0:49:11.599
is to work out whether the issue is

0:49:09.839,0:49:14.160
worth fighting over or not

0:49:11.599,0:49:15.839
and i think that’s a very good point yep

0:49:14.160,0:49:16.880
they say try to separate the problem

0:49:15.839,0:49:18.480
from the person

0:49:16.880,0:49:21.520
so if you’re angry the person for

0:49:18.480,0:49:25.359
something don’t let the problem

0:49:21.520,0:49:27.520
make it worse try to cool off first

0:49:25.359,0:49:28.800
make you feel too angry before so you

0:49:27.520,0:49:31.599
can talk calmly which is

0:49:28.800,0:49:34.480
what we talked about yep keep in mind

0:49:31.599,0:49:37.359
the idea is to resolve the conflict not

0:49:34.480,0:49:37.359
win the argument

0:49:38.319,0:49:42.839
remember that the other party isn’t

0:49:40.480,0:49:44.240
obliged to always agree with you on

0:49:42.839,0:49:47.200
everything

0:49:44.240,0:49:48.720
so everyone’s entitled to their opinions

0:49:47.200,0:49:49.680
define the problem and stick to the

0:49:48.720,0:49:51.920
topic

0:49:49.680,0:49:54.720
don’t get sidetracked which is something

0:49:51.920,0:49:56.640
that i’ve had a problem with in the past

0:49:54.720,0:49:59.040
respect the other person’s point of view

0:49:56.640,0:50:02.160
by paying attention and listening

0:49:59.040,0:50:04.319
talk clearly and reasonably

0:50:02.160,0:50:06.960
i’m not really sure what the alternative

0:50:04.319,0:50:10.160
to that is

0:50:06.960,0:50:12.000
try to find points of common ground and

0:50:10.160,0:50:14.720
eventually you may reach the point where

0:50:12.000,0:50:18.160
you just have to agree to disagree

0:50:14.720,0:50:20.800
and that’s typical interaction with

0:50:18.160,0:50:22.559
anybody it doesn’t have to be family

0:50:20.800,0:50:24.559
the next thing they suggest is try to

0:50:22.559,0:50:26.960
listen conflict

0:50:24.559,0:50:29.960
can escalate when the people involved

0:50:26.960,0:50:34.400
are too angry to listen to each other

0:50:29.960,0:50:36.319
misunderstandings fuel arguments

0:50:34.400,0:50:38.319
that’s one of the reasons why when i get

0:50:36.319,0:50:39.760
into that agitated seat i need to walk

0:50:38.319,0:50:42.559
away

0:50:39.760,0:50:43.920
because i can’t listen do you have that

0:50:42.559,0:50:46.400
similar issue

0:50:43.920,0:50:46.400
i mean

0:50:48.079,0:50:52.079
sometimes it’s not normally with people

0:50:50.000,0:50:55.119
but it’s like if i get angry

0:50:52.079,0:50:57.040
doing something i realize that i mean

0:50:55.119,0:50:58.559
at some point i realize that i’m angry

0:50:57.040,0:51:02.559
then i have to step back

0:50:58.559,0:51:03.440
and work it out like an example is when

0:51:02.559,0:51:06.720
i was building

0:51:03.440,0:51:08.480
um your one lego castle at some point i

0:51:06.720,0:51:10.319
had messed up a step and it was

0:51:08.480,0:51:12.160
late so i was kind of getting a bit

0:51:10.319,0:51:15.040
cranky and

0:51:12.160,0:51:15.599
at some point i did eventually get angry

0:51:15.040,0:51:17.440
at it

0:51:15.599,0:51:19.280
and then i realized that i had to step

0:51:17.440,0:51:22.640
back and to

0:51:19.280,0:51:25.280
calm down and then the next day i fin i

0:51:22.640,0:51:26.160
um realized my mistake and then i

0:51:25.280,0:51:28.160
finished it off

0:51:26.160,0:51:29.839
and it’s now sitting in the basement on

0:51:28.160,0:51:33.119
your desk yep

0:51:29.839,0:51:36.079
and it was a job well done

0:51:33.119,0:51:38.079
work as a team once both parties

0:51:36.079,0:51:39.119
understand the views and feelings of the

0:51:38.079,0:51:42.160
other

0:51:39.119,0:51:44.160
you can work out a solution together

0:51:42.160,0:51:46.400
they say come up with as many possible

0:51:44.160,0:51:49.760
solutions as you can

0:51:46.400,0:51:52.160
be willing to compromise make sure

0:51:49.760,0:51:53.200
everyone clearly understands the chosen

0:51:52.160,0:51:55.200
solution

0:51:53.200,0:51:57.280
and once the solution is decided on

0:51:55.200,0:51:59.680
stick to it

0:51:57.280,0:52:00.880
write it down as a contract if necessary

0:51:59.680,0:52:04.079
that’s kind of extreme

0:52:00.880,0:52:06.079
but i guess you can do that

0:52:04.079,0:52:07.520
but you know i think the biggest thing

0:52:06.079,0:52:10.480
to take away from this point

0:52:07.520,0:52:11.839
is we’re all on the same team here you

0:52:10.480,0:52:14.720
know we’re all looking

0:52:11.839,0:52:15.839
out for the best interest of each other

0:52:14.720,0:52:17.839
we’re looking out

0:52:15.839,0:52:19.119
to make sure that we’re all safe and

0:52:17.839,0:52:22.240
happy and

0:52:19.119,0:52:25.040
well provided for even though we don’t

0:52:22.240,0:52:27.440
always agree on how we reach those

0:52:25.040,0:52:28.800
objectives we’re all on the same team

0:52:27.440,0:52:30.559
yep

0:52:28.800,0:52:33.040
and and the last thing we talk about

0:52:30.559,0:52:34.800
here is professional advice

0:52:33.040,0:52:36.559
there are services available to help

0:52:34.800,0:52:38.640
family members work through difficult

0:52:36.559,0:52:40.559
issues of conflict

0:52:38.640,0:52:42.960
seek professional advice if you think

0:52:40.559,0:52:45.760
you need some assistance and

0:52:42.960,0:52:46.000
sometimes you have to do that you know

0:52:45.760,0:52:47.520
when

0:52:46.000,0:52:50.319
mommy and i were working through some

0:52:47.520,0:52:52.079
issues we went to a counselor and that

0:52:50.319,0:52:56.079
counselor

0:52:52.079,0:52:59.440
didn’t tell us how to fix the problems

0:52:56.079,0:53:02.720
what the counselor did was allow us

0:52:59.440,0:53:05.599
to look at ourselves and

0:53:02.720,0:53:06.559
see where the root of the problem was

0:53:05.599,0:53:08.640
and once

0:53:06.559,0:53:11.520
you know with any troubleshooting and

0:53:08.640,0:53:13.599
problem solving that you may do in life

0:53:11.520,0:53:15.119
you can’t solve any problems if you

0:53:13.599,0:53:16.240
don’t know what the cause of the problem

0:53:15.119,0:53:17.920
is

0:53:16.240,0:53:19.599
and a lot of times the counseling that

0:53:17.920,0:53:22.400
you go through

0:53:19.599,0:53:24.240
doesn’t solve the problems for you it

0:53:22.400,0:53:25.839
helps you to identify the source of

0:53:24.240,0:53:28.319
those problems

0:53:25.839,0:53:30.960
once you can identify that source then

0:53:28.319,0:53:34.160
you can work on a solution

0:53:30.960,0:53:34.559
so if all else fails don’t be afraid to

0:53:34.160,0:53:38.480
try

0:53:34.559,0:53:41.359
some type of outside counseling

0:53:38.480,0:53:42.000
so that was all that i had for the

0:53:41.359,0:53:46.480
podcast

0:53:42.000,0:53:48.720
this week um family problems happen

0:53:46.480,0:53:50.480
you need to be willing to compromise you

0:53:48.720,0:53:52.160
need to you need to want to solve the

0:53:50.480,0:53:54.240
problems and i think that’s really the

0:53:52.160,0:53:57.520
key

0:53:54.240,0:53:59.200
nobody wants to be angry at your family

0:53:57.520,0:54:00.960
members

0:53:59.200,0:54:02.800
sometimes it’s difficult working with

0:54:00.960,0:54:05.280
people who don’t want to compromise but

0:54:02.800,0:54:07.839
you need to be willing to compromise

0:54:05.280,0:54:09.839
if you’re not then there’s no point in

0:54:07.839,0:54:12.000
even having that conversation to start

0:54:09.839,0:54:12.000
out

0:54:12.079,0:54:14.960
we’re going to take a quick break and

0:54:13.760,0:54:24.240
we’ll come back and we’ll get your

0:54:14.960,0:54:29.119
closing remarks and your shout outs

0:54:24.240,0:54:31.520
go for your closing remarks alrighty so

0:54:29.119,0:54:34.160
we’ve said it before on um on the

0:54:31.520,0:54:37.440
podcast today and i’ll say it again

0:54:34.160,0:54:38.720
arguments are healthy um sibling rivalry

0:54:37.440,0:54:41.280
is healthy

0:54:38.720,0:54:43.839
it it can happen with anyone arguments

0:54:41.280,0:54:47.839
happen with all different relationships

0:54:43.839,0:54:49.359
and um it’s basically just an expression

0:54:47.839,0:54:52.079
of opinion

0:54:49.359,0:54:53.839
um as with family problems if it does

0:54:52.079,0:54:56.160
eventually get to the point where you

0:54:53.839,0:54:58.000
are gonna need outside help and

0:54:56.160,0:54:59.760
you’ve done everything that you could to

0:54:58.000,0:55:01.200
try and resolve it and it still hasn’t

0:54:59.760,0:55:05.119
gone resolved then

0:55:01.200,0:55:07.280
by all means do seek actual help um

0:55:05.119,0:55:08.319
we are not the best sources we are just

0:55:07.280,0:55:10.480
trying to

0:55:08.319,0:55:12.640
we’re just a father and the daughter who

0:55:10.480,0:55:16.240
just want to try and help out

0:55:12.640,0:55:20.000
um but if you do need um

0:55:16.240,0:55:23.200
any um extra help i would recommend

0:55:20.000,0:55:24.960
to go and see it um

0:55:23.200,0:55:26.720
just so that you can hopefully resolve

0:55:24.960,0:55:30.400
the problem at that point

0:55:26.720,0:55:32.319
okay very well said that was all we had

0:55:30.400,0:55:33.040
for today’s podcast i would invite

0:55:32.319,0:55:35.280
everyone

0:55:33.040,0:55:36.319
to check out our long form articles on

0:55:35.280,0:55:39.920
medium

0:55:36.319,0:55:42.319
at medium.com slash insights into things

0:55:39.920,0:55:44.319
we’d love to get your feedback uh you

0:55:42.319,0:55:46.160
can email us at comments at insights

0:55:44.319,0:55:48.480
into things.com

0:55:46.160,0:55:50.400
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0:55:48.480,0:55:52.440
underscore things

0:55:50.400,0:55:54.000
uh you can hit us on facebook at

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insights into things podcast we do

0:55:56.640,0:56:00.079
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0:56:22.079,0:56:26.880
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0:56:26.880,0:56:34.640
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and mommy

0:56:39.760,0:56:44.240
and insights into tomorrow our monthly

0:56:41.760,0:56:47.280
podcast hosted by you and my brother sam

0:56:44.240,0:56:50.560
you got it that’s it we’re done

0:56:47.280,0:56:55.599
bye everyone another one in the books

0:56:50.560,0:56:55.599
[Music]

0:56:56.839,0:56:59.839
bye

0:57:10.839,0:57:13.839
do

0:57:19.119,0:57:21.200
you

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